When I say I don't value my life people get concerned, should I?

[SeanshterMonster]

I have never valued my life. For as long as I can remember I've never ever valued my life. If I died today, tomorrow, or next week I honestly wouldn't care at all. I wouldn't cling to life but more welcome the end of it. (Have I attempted to end it before? Yes. Twice) I made a promise to never do it, and so I live day by day. Not really caring. There's not much of a future in this world. The economy is getting worse every day and I'll probably never make enough money to live on my own. I've never had any value in myself and it makes people concerned. But I feel nothing.

[IslaTheWitch]

so you already know your problem and and you know you illness makes other people really worried. Even if you don't feel it you can see it and understand it.

so now is the question. Even if you don't value your life, is it fair to hurt and traumatize people who care for you? It's not the question about emotions but about cold logic. Do your math. You are one, their are at least a few people. What you do makes them feel bad and impacts people around them. One person can make tens unhappy.

[IslaTheWitch]

so even if you don't feel nothing look at your math and try. Talk to the specialist. Make changes in baby steps. you can completely give up any time... but you know what? We regret the most things we didn't try.

And I was there. I know the darkness, the void, the thoughts, the stagnation and depression. I can at least partially understand the state you are in.

and again... we regret things we didn't do, things we didn't try.

under depression is intelligent brain (there is a reason why smart people get depressed). Use it. Make this minimal effort which now seems like running marathon and ask one of those people to find you a specialist. ASAP.

it's a first step...

[SeanshterMonster]

I know I need to see a specialist. I just don't have health insurance or the money to do so. Unfortunately it feels impossible to get help without some kind of insurance

[IslaTheWitch]

there are charities and organizations helping in such situations. ASK FOR HELP IN FINDING THEM.

[Sevenpointfive]

no. your life sucks. i know it and now everyone here knows it. the people irl know it.

but a lot of people like you have big hearts and would give their lives up in an instant to save someone. i think you're waiting for a redemption.

i wouldn't concern yourself with that right now. you'll know when the time comes. there are a lot of us out there in the same mindset. but i promise you. there will be a purpose for you.

[SeanshterMonster]

I hope so

[Sevenpointfive]

i'm holding out for mine. well not really. my sister won't let me end my existence, but i don't want it to end really myself. i just want it to get better. currently i'm just working to fuel my demise. and i feel she's prolonging my death for her peace of mind.

[SeanshterMonster]

Yeah. I feel that. I made a promise after my last failed attempt. So I only exist now cause of a promise.

[Sevenpointfive]

can i ask why you failed your attempt? or how?

[SeanshterMonster]

Branch snapped and I blacked out. My friend found me and forced me to get help and tell my parents. Obviously seeing the rope and self harm scars.

[Sevenpointfive]

that's not the best way to go. in the end it leaves you with doubt because the body struggles to survive whether you want to die or not. did you choose this as a punishment?

[SeanshterMonster]

I don't think so. I was pretty clouded minded and wasn't thinking straight. So I went out into the forrest at my favorite spot and tried. My friend knew where that spot wad and the only one.

[Sevenpointfive]

you can dm me if you want. i've pondered and found the most truly peaceful ways to go.

[lightbulb27]

Yes, it just means you haven't found a path that works for you yet. Sometimes, life is difficult. So you make the most of what you can do, grateful for, and do your best. All anyone can ask. You've got maybe 70 years and that's it...

Whatever you are doing is not fulfilling. So in spare time, do something else that is rewarding.

noones life is perfect... and it could be a lot worse.

[SeanshterMonster]

Nothing had been rewarding. And anything that I want to do is way to expensive anyway. I've always wanted to own and run a food truck, or a dinner. But that's never going to happen cause I don't have hundreds of thousands of dollars laying around.

[SeanshterMonster]

I love art. But I hate myself whenever I do it. Anything I do for a hobby I can't ever seem to improve at.

[lightbulb27]

Stuff is hard for me too. I just set goals, make them fun and do my best.
People are starting restaurants and food stands. I know a guy that for little money, bought a lemonaide stand and goes around to fairs and sells his lemonaide. He got bored with it and wanted to sell, but was making several hundred thousand a year.
The world is your oyster. A big challenge today is figuring out where to focus, as there are so many opportunities for young enterprising people. You may be the type that needs a mentor. I saw a top steak restaurant a guy founded. He'd worked as a waiter much of his life, raised a family doing so. After he left there, he decided he could do it all better, and started his own restauarant.
Maybe find successful people to get to know and hang out with, learn to mingle, get excited about opportunities that present themselves.
If you are a glass is half empty person, then it will always be half empty, and that's dispositon/emotional issue to overcome.

[lightbulb27]

noone is going to try and get you excited about life. You gotta want it. If nothing works, then maybe learn to pray for people, heal people, or care for people whom are much worse than you and learn to lift them up. That would be rewarding. Go to church and pray for others, do so online. Learn to be positive.

[SeanshterMonster]

If I try to open a diner, or a food truck. How do I know it will be successful? Cause if it's not then I'm screwed

[TommyMountainFigure]

You sound like a perfect candidate to join up to the army/ Navy. That way you could do good for your country and if you die doing it? Well you'll at least be remembered for something, as opposed to ending your life cheaply!

[SeanshterMonster]

Nah, while I don't value my life I don't want to hate my life even more. Fight for a country I don't even believe in anymore? No thank you.

[TommyMountainFigure]

I completely understand that!

How about fighting to stay alive then?

[SeanshterMonster]

Not that either. Honestly if someone had me a knife point or gun point I wouldn't even fight. If I die I die. Whatever.

[TommyMountainFigure]

You will get your wish one day.. Everyone dies. It's just I rarely encounter someone with no fight in them.

[SeanshterMonster]

I just don't see a point of fighting.

[TommyMountainFigure]

If you met someone out of the blue that liked you, and you felt the same about them, would that change your view on life?

[SeanshterMonster]

Maybe. Then my value of myself would be to make them happy and see them smile.

[TommyMountainFigure]

That's a start.