HONEST Guys only: What's a realistic approach to talking about weight...

[Anonymous]

In the process of my one-year relationship, I have gained about 12 lbs. Not because I "let myself go" because I "caught a man" but because I've had one of the most stressful years of my life - -working 50-60 hrs a week and commuting another 10. Anyway, I'm working on getting my weight back down, but I know it REALLY bothers my boyfriend. Not a day goes by that he doesn't mention my diet or exercise plans. Once, he even asked "Why is (my friend) still skinny and you aren't?" To which I explained that she's 5 years younger and also doesn't have a stressful job. Anyway, it irritates me -- I don't want to let him down or get so ticked off with his constant pressure that I lose track of my weight loss goals in frustration with him.

What's a way to honestly talk about my weight gain as a couple?

[Anonymous]

-Not a day goes by that he doesn't mention my diet or exercise plans.

Stop tolerating this. OMG you have gained a massive 12 f***ing pounds. You must be a super obese orca whale. I can't believe you've gained the equivalent of one maybe 2 dress sizes in a year. You must look drastically different from the day he just met you. Completely unrecognizable under all that fat.

(BTW I was being super sarcastic to illustrate the the complete ridiculousness of the way he's behaving over your weight. Because #1 you have not gained much weight at all. 12 pounds can be gained and lost within a few months so I doubt you look much different than when you met and #2 he's being a disrespectful ass. So why are you tolerating it?)

-Once, he even asked "Why is (my friend) still skinny and you aren't?"

My question to you is, why are you still dating him? He's being really mean and an a**hole. You shouldn't have to feel pressured to lose weight in order to keep him treating you nicely. 12 pounds ago it was all good, but now that you've put on a measly 12 pounds, you're just some sh*tty girlfriend who should be reminded of how "fat" she is on a daily basis and berated?

Wow you really need to lose a lot more weight by dropping him because he's dead weight.

BTW please don't make excuses for his behavior. People know when they're being rude and unacceptable, they're just hoping you'll take it like a good little girl and not say anything.

[Asker]

If he was mean, I would dump him. But he's not really mean ... he's just dense. He's an Engineer, if that puts it into perspective -- social nuances aren't his strongest skill. I actually appreciate that he is blunt rather than being a whiny manipulator like some guys I know. The truth is, ALL men hate when their girlfriend gains weight. The truth is the truth, no matter how harsh. I just need to find a way to help him realize that this isn't really me, I'm just really stressed.

[selfishstars]

Honestly, your boyfriend sounds like an insensitive d***. I wouldn't even be with a guy who said things like that to me. I'd drop him, drop the pounds (for myself), and find a guy who isn't a d***.

But if you are fine with a guy who acts that way toward you and want to talk to him about it, I guess I would say, "I realize that I've gained weight and my plan is to work to lose it. However, your constant comments about my weight are insensitive and not helpful. I would appreciate it if you stopped making them. If you want to help support me, you can do x, y, and z (anything that YOU think would actually be supportive; for example, working out/being active with you, helping you prepare healthy meals, avoiding keeping junk food in the house or eating it around you if that's something that he does). I feel angry/upset/frustrated/hurt/insecure (or whatever you feel about it) when you pressure me, so it has the opposite effect on me than you intend it to."

And seriously, lose weight because YOU want to lose weight, not because you're afraid to let your insensitive, un-empathetic, superficial boyfriend down.

[Orion]

Maybe just ask him to be more supportive rather than constantly badgering you about something that you're already concerned about becaue it's not making it any easier, and then have him work out with you so he can actually see your efforts... heck, maybe he could use a couple of laps around the block himself.

[Asker]

Unfortuantely, we are also in a distance relationship now ... which adds extra stress on me because I have extra time spent going to visit him. :S I just want him to know that I'm trying to get my stress under control and work on my weight loss, but it's hard for me to lose weight quickly when I'm this stressed, so it might be a "slowly but surely" process.

[Orion]

Well then the important thing is to get on a schedule and maintain it as best you can. Stress will often give you an excuse to skip things even things you WANT. And maintain your confidence that you will eventually get to your goal, that's helpful in giving you incentive to stick with it.

[Asker]

How can I accomodate him pressuring me to do workouts that I don't enjoy? Or, for instance, he'll take me to a bar and them complain later that I shouldn't drink beer if I want to lose weight. Etc. What's a good way to have this conversation? Or should I just do what he says most of the time?

[Orion]

Well first issue is going to have to be getting over not liking to work out (it's necessary and being more mindful of your diet especially in front of him will probably have to be something to consider). He needs to know that you're already trying hard, but also just straight out telling him that it upsets you to be constantly reminded of your weight. He's being insensitive to your stress but he probably thinks he's just being helpful by reminding you to stick to your diet.

[Asker]

I don't dislike working out altogether, I just don't really enjoy "Insanity" and the like. I would rather lose weight slowly and pleasurably than miserablly and quickly.

[Orion]

Yeah, I hear ya on that. Sadly if you aren't sweating you're not loosing the weight. If we could just sit back and let it melt off it would all be so much easier! Good luck though!

[Asker]

It's definitely possible to exercise to the point of strain, but not complete misery! I've gained weight like this once before when I was really stressed and took it back off. Prolonged good diet and moderate exercise WILL take off weight, just not as quickly as these "high-impact" things. I just need to get back on the wagon :)

[Anonymous]

I'm confused here. What is it that you're wanting to talk about with him? You've gained weight, he knows it and you know it. You're working to get it back down and surely he has to know you've been trying too?

[Asker]

Yeah, what's a good way for us to verify that I am working to get it back down. Having to "check in with him" on my daily progress would really become a drag to me and ruin the whole process.

[Opinion Owner]

Use your workouts as a topic to talk about sometime if you're comfortable with ti. As you're telling him about your day you can tell him you had a great workout today and you're feeling better and more energetic. Weight loss is a gradual process and he could learn some patience on the process of you working your butt off to maintain your daily life and shed a few pounds. Asking your girlfriend "Why is (my friend) still skinny and you aren't?" is mind boggling to me.

[Asker]

It was pretty boneheaded, but he's not really a jerk -- he's just a bit socially idiotic. One of the other problems is that my workouts right now aren't up to par with what he thinks I should be doing. To him, I don't really want to lose the weight. I do, but not at the expense of my sanity. Can I just be blunt and say "I'm NOT going to lose weight as quickly as you want and you can't force me to" I've already laid it on the table for us breaking up, but he says he wants to stay together.

[Opinion Owner]

Haha it sounds like he has something he could use work on as well. How long have you been doing your current workouts? Have you made any progress yet? If it hasn't been that long yet, I think telling him to chill out a little bit and give it some time to see the results is completely appropriate. I'm not sure what his rush is either considering you've got some distance between you now..I assume you don't even get to see each other as much as normal anyways.

[toulouse]

12 pounds is a very small amount of weight. he can't be bothered that much by it. I'm sure there's something else.

as for losing 12 pounds, you could easily do it in a month, if you try , a few months with barely trying. 12 pounds, is nothing. you don't even go from skinny, to fat in 12 pounds. you can gain 12 pounds & still be thin.

either you gained more than 12 pounds, or he's bothered by something else.

also he's being a real idiot. its your body, not his. you want to lose weight, he should support u. its certainly not appropriate for him to complain. id dump him. but that's me. he's a real sh*t imo.totally disrespectful. YOUR body.

[Asker]

Losing 2 lbs a week is healthy, but still not easy. I think it will take me 3 months or so to get my stress maintained and also get my eating habits back to normal. It's hard to do on the flip of a switch. He doesn't mean to be a dumbass, he was once fat and now is into staying fit, so he thinks he's being helpful. Whereas, I'm usually pretty trim, but sometimes flucatuate when I'm extraordinary stressed, so my plight isn't lack of knowlege of diet/exercise, it's learning how to chill.