Should I foot the bill for his kids?

[Anonymous]

I have been with my boyfriend now for over 7 months. We have been living together for two months. We haven’t had too many expensive trips to the grocery store. I usually go for some things then later he will go for a few (less) things.

He has two kids that he sees one or two days a week. And he buys them foods and drinks that they like, which is fine. He likes to keep certain things stocked for them.

My question is, if I am making a run to the grocery store is it fair for me to buy the groceries for all four of us? Keep in mind; I don’t usually have “extra” money to burn through. I feel if I let him know that I do not want to pay for their food that I am being selfish, inconsiderate and I am POSITIVE he will say something along the lines of me not caring about his kids.

I only have a few hundred dollars to get me through the rest of the month (bills are paid, I just need this money to last for food, gas and a few odds and ends). I am making a grocery run this afternoon and I am going to ask him if he needs me to pick anything up. If he names things for his kids, how do I let him know that I can’t afford it without sounding selfish? I can’t afford to buy too much, let alone foods for his kids. He could come back with "Oh, you can afford everything else EXCEPT what my kids need?" sheesh...

I am not sure if this next part is even relevant, but one day we went to a water park. It was $15 for each person. He paid for me, himself and his two kids (which he complained about). I almost felt like he was blaming me because it cost that much. afterward, I asked if he wanted to go out for a bite to eat. He said sure, but I had to buy (for all four of us). I feel like this early on, he should foot the bill for his kids. Is that wrong?

What do you think is fair in this situation as far as paying for the other person’s kids? Your opinions about this subject are much appreciated. I like hearing different feedback to maybe open my mind more about the subject or see it in a different light. Thanks!

[blackwaterhattie]

You two live together, I take it.

This is a crappy situation, one I am all too familiar with. I'll tell you what I would do: I would get what I needed for myself when the kids are there- and I mean ONLY FOR MYSELF. Like I would make my OWN dinner and do whatever and the only things I would do for his kids are what *I* chose to do. And I'll tell you why: because when I was in your situation, I took responsibility for my bf's kid, and I regretted it. Because the more responsibility I took, the more he gave me until I was babysitting constantly, and giving the kid a bath., and making dinner for him, and doing his laundry, and getting up in the middle of the night to change his sheets when he peed in the bed... all that sh*t became my job, and I would never do that to myself again. I ended up resenting that poor kid, and that wasn't right- it wasn;t the kid's fault. But I started to DREAD the weekends we had him and it was truly awful. So if I had it to do over again, I wouldn't do a goddamn thing for that kid, and my boyfriend would have to shoulder his responsibility himself.

I was nothing more than a free babysitter, and there is no way I will *ever* be put in that position again.

[Asker]

I appreciate your lengthy response. We are living together. I am the type that likes a clean house and I like to do things for him. Ialways keep the house clean with little or no hel from him. I used to do his laundry but have since stopped. He doesn't ask me to do anything for the kids. However, the wake up a few hours before he gets up. I get up earlier than him. He leaves sugar bars and chocolate milk out as their breakfast. Sometimes I get up and feel bad that they aren't having a good

[Asker]

breakfast, so I do cook for them. I used to enjoy the kids but after he told me that he does not want more, I am begininng to resent them. I see them and know I will never have that with him. So I really should do or pay for anything unless I want to. He is making a trip to the grocery store now and didn't ask if I needed anything (I went last night) so we will see if he only shops for himself and his kids where I was shopping for him and I. If that is the case, I will only buy stuff for myself.

[washize]

If you're uncomfortable with it, and can't afford it then no you shouldn't/

But you should know that this will cause problems later on, especially if you two are trying to get serious. His children WILL become your responsibility eventually, and YOU will have to fork out cash and time to take care of them.

Take that into consideration and decide from there. The longer you stay in the relationship, the eventually you will be financially responsible for his kids. He'll hold it against you and resent you if you do not.

In the mean time pay for your OWN things, don't ask him if he needs anything from the store. That way he can't complain about any excess expenses because of you. Hell, even pay him back the $15 for swimming.

[Asker]

The comment above was a response to your answer...I put it in the wrong spot.

[yaddayaddayadda02]

You're with him - You're with his kids. They gotta eat. Doesn't he ever buy you food when he goes to the grocery store?

[Asker]

I do know that they are the package deal. I usually do most of the grocery shopping for him and I. He will go out and buy things for him and his kids and a few things for "us".

If he spends $15 on me I should spend $30 on them to be fair?

[yaddayaddayadda02]

Do what you're comfortable with. If you're expected to cook for the extended family, get something reasonable (like spaghetti or something). It doesn't have to be a huge ordeal. If its way out of your budget you can mention to him that the grocery bill is getting expensive and out of your budget. Say it without saying it.

[Anonymous]

Ah, the problems with dating someone with kids that aren't yours. Most of the time it's a hassle, because the kids aren't yours and you're not married to him, and you feel that it's not your responsibility to pay for them.

If the kids come over, they have to eat. Period. Your boyfriend should ALWAYS pay for HIS kids, no matter what. You're not his wife, only his girlfriend. They're not your kids. Only pay for them if you truly WANT to out of the kindness of your heart, not because he's making you feel guilty.

But realize, if you two get married, you'll have to pay for them much more.

[Asker]

I don't want to invest too much time in to his kids. It sounds bad, but hear me out. A month ago, my boyfriend changed his mind about wanting more kids. I still want to start my own family. Our relationship will likely not last too much longer. Although I still spend time with his kids and goof off with them, I am not going to let the kids get to close to me. So, I guess they should stay his responsibility unless I feel like doing something out of the kindness of my heart (which I like to do).

[kereru]

I think if money is tight then he should pay for his kids things, you shouldn't begrudge buying the odd thing and helping out here and there, but it is his responsibility, they're his kids, not yours, you don't have any rights and neither do you have any obligations regarding them.

[Anonymous]

i think he's taking advantage of you and what good parent would complain about spending money on his own kids.

[Anonymous]

i think you got into it knowing he had kids you can't really complain now