Yep, at it again! (Yes, means bored 🤣) Just cuz it's about to be a new year, some things never change.... You'll still have to deal with my corny jokes cuz the year my change, but I'll still be the same....
So, read on and hopefully get a few laughs.....
New Year’s Eve
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local bar and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck 12, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
How do you lose 12 stones of unsightly fat for the new year?
A drunk man comes inside a bar and says, "Happy New Year everybody." and the waiter says, "We are in June you drunk man." And the drunk man says, "Oh my god my wife is going to kill me I have never been so late in my life
An Irish girl goes back to her father’s farmhouse for New Year’s Eve.
Her father asked: “Where have you been all this time? Why did you not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t you call?”
Crying, the girl replied: “Dad, I became a prostitute.”
“What!? Out of here you shameless harlot! You’re a disgrace to this family.”
“Okay, Dad. If that’s your wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $4 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for you Dad, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside, plus a membership to the country club and an invitation for you all to spend a fun New Years’ Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.”
“Now what was it ye said you had become, again?” asked the dad.
The girl, crying again, answered: “A prostitute, Dad!”
“Oh! You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant. Come here and give your old man a hug!”
New year resolution : First day at the gym
As a new year resolution, I, like million others decided to join a gym and hire a trainer. After some warm up, the trainer brought me to the equipment. a vertical row machine. He showed me how to use the machine and suggested that i exercise one arm at a time. Looking at my physique (if i can call that), he decided that the right weight would be 50 pounds, but i being cocky asked him to increase it to 70 pounds.The trainer said it would be too much, but i insisted.
I started the exercise just as he suggested. I was able to pull with one arm easily and finished 12 reps in no time. The trainer looked surprised.
Then i switched the arm. And suddenly the weights feel too heavy. I could hardly pull the weights. With much effort I was able to finish 4 reps. Couldn't finish the 5th one.
I started wondering why it was that I am able to pull the weights easily with one hand but was struggling so badly with the other. That's when it hit me
"I have been single for too long"
My New Year Resolution is to give up sexual innuendos;
Which is going to be extremely hard...
Me and my girlfriend are going to play a special game of "7 minutes in heaven" on New Years Eve
Except instead of a closet we'll be in a bed, and instead of a girlfriend it'll be my hand, and instead of 7 minutes it'll be 30 seconds.
I'm thinking to watch porn on New Year's Eve
Like only 2 seconds before clock strikes 00:00, I'll start the video.
So after 2 seconds, i can be like "I'm coming 2021
If you start having sex at 11:58 tonight, you might start off the new year with a blast
if you make it that long
For the upcoming new year I made a raunchy calendar involving buff, handsome men from the mines. I was arrested by the police.
For sexual or suggestive content involving Miners.
I lost my phone at a new years eve party
if you found it, that's not my penis in the pictures. I was just holding it for a friend
You don't have to wait until midnight to see my balls drop.
This woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a Christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh. The tatoo artist say thats an unusual request. "Why do you want two tattoos there?" So she says "Because my husband needs to eat between Christmas and new years."
I hope you enjoyed this take.... More than I'm going to enjoy a boring New Years:
May 2021 be a better year for us all...