Do you think single people hold inflated expectations of marriage?

[shaysh87]

I have spoken to a lot of single folks. All of them say that they won’t ever marry someone who can’t make them happy. They refuse to settle. They balk at the idea of marrying someone who can’t make them happy. Basically their expectation of marriage is something where they are happy 95% of the time.

on the other hand , I have also interviewed a lot of married people. The story that they tell me is very quite different. They say that there are very long periods within marriage where they aren’t happy but they persevere though it by working on problems. They say commitment is a choice rather than a joy ride where you decide whenever you wanna leave.

but the reality is , many single folks out there expect marriage to be a happy joy ride. They don’t expect to hit periods of unhappiness or long fights. If they do end up seeing such things , they just break up and say they don’t want to marry the person

[OlderAndWiser]

Absolutely! Most young people expect that every day of marriage is like an ice cream party in the park. They expect that their partner will make them happy (another person cannot MAKE you happy) but then ask them what THEY will do for their partner. They don't think of marriage as mutual commitments and responsibilities. They dont foresee that most of the time in marriage is spent going to work, coming hom, having dinner, cleaning the kitchen, shopping at the grocery store, cutting the grass, etc. Most of the time in marriage is NOT spent on vacations to Europe and lpong weekend getaways. When they get married and their illusion gets shattered, they blame their partner rather than looking inward and dealing with their unrealistic expectations.

You nailed it!

[OlderAndWiser]

Thanks for MHO!

[ohshee]

And I bet you a box of candy did they all settled because I want to get married so bad but you have to understand is there's nobody in this world nobody that can make you happy set for yourself you're the only one that can make yourself sad you're the only one that can make yourself happy now if you get a partner did like to do fun things and makes it all about you and all that kind of good stuff that adds to your happiness Within but nobody can make you happy except for yourself

[shaysh87]

Very wise words

[jennifer_bloom]

I would rather be single then in an unhappy marriage. My mom treats my dad like trash and has hated me since I was a child even though I was an extremely obedient, loving and hard working kid. She has Alzheimer’s now so might be dead in a few years.

[shaysh87]

a lot of unhappy times in a marriage are temporary. every married couple faces unhappy moments

[Lionman95]

I think happiness is a process where you get as a couple. So being a single man I tell myself that I'm well aware that there are may times where you're arguing or you're not happy because you have an argument over certain things.
I'm not looking for a person that can make me happy but for a person that I'm willing to work on certain things so that we both can be happy.
For me finding someone to date that gives me the feeling that we have the same values and the same picture of live is already hard enough for me because I have different issues to work on.
But I understand your point and I think you're right because watching all those couple goal videos on YouTube or other platforms one could get the idea that couples found themselves and have been happy since.

[Anonymous]

The marriage is made of the people in it.. unless you talk about it only in a religious way?
If people want a marriage where they are happy in a certain way they decide it for themself. And they change their mind and settle for what they got or take the consequence and get a divorce. Some are happy in love for a few years and those years of their life is not taken away because they decided the marriage had an end.
You don't define what people should get married for. Hopefully at least the two people getting married talk about it and define it together, so one does not expect a lifetime of commitment while the other only wants it as long as they are a good team as a couple.

[Dchrls78104]

People invest sizeable amounts of money buying vehicles, expecting years of trouble free performance; but the truth is that every vehicle has issues, whether major or minor, that will have to be dealt with, and much can depend on what you do in the event that said issue should arise. The fact is that some vehicles can be maintained successfully while some cannot and should be scrapped. Some are worth buying in the first place and some aren't. Ideally you should know the difference before you buy your vehicle. The same is true for relationships and marriage.

[Anonymous]

Yep, and that is the biggest reason marriage is disappearing. And I'm sorry to say it but women are mostly at fault. Half of marriages end in divorce and 70% of those divorces are filed by women. When you consider that, and the fact that divorce is very unfair to men, as are child custody settlements, it's clear that marriage is a very inequitable arrangement for today's men.

Marriage is disappearing and won't last more than another generation or two. That's not just sad, but also dangerous for western society as a whole.

[hahahmm]

Many people have never even been in a serious relationship but they don't realize it because they had some of the trappings of a serious relationship. They train their minds to settle for mediocre standards.

That said.. a lot of people are - obviously - not right for each other...

[shaysh87]

Because there is really no such thing as a perfect person. Wait for that perfect person , you will be single forever

[hahahmm]

Yes but... people should make themselves the best person that they can be. This will attract and make it easier to keep better people. Often, the people who say they're looking for 'perfect' have lots of imperfections that they could improve but they're too special/busy/blind to do that.

[Saville_Row]

I am a single person who does not want to settle for someone who don't make me happy.

And is exactly because of marriage being a combination of happy/sad/terrible moments that I want a person who makes me happy first. Who I learn to love, want and need. That I know will try with me during the hard times.

If is someone I settled for, that I didn't want in the first place, or if he didn't want me, we, for sure, won't put any effort. Why bother?

[shaysh87]

There’s nobody in life that is responsible for making you happy. You will realize this after you get married where you learn marriage has its miserable months and also amazing months.

[shaysh87]

Sometimes marriage can be even more stressful than single life. Your idea that there is someone out there who is supposed to be your main source of happiness shows you don’t have a clue what marriage is like

[shaysh87]

Currently almost half of all marriages end up in divorce at 46%. And one of the biggest reasons is because people walk into marriage believing that things should be a certain way “HAPPY”. Until the realty of marriage hits them, when marriage really isn’t as happy as it should be, they divorce.

[Saville_Row]

@shaysh87 There are several types of happiness. I'm responsible for my personal happiness, following my mental health. Both my work environment and myself are responsible for my career happiness. But in marriage or even any other relationship, both myself and another person are responsible for each other's happiness. You cannot give someone a pass based on things like: "You choose to be miserable"

Many divorces happen because they were doomed from the start. Begin a relationship for the wrong reasons and you will never put the effort, because you don't care enough. And that can happen to the other person as well.

Look at the people married for 50 years or more. It was not a walk in the park, but they were willing to make it work. Most of those couples were in love at some point, if not from the start.

[shaysh87]

people who have been in marriages for 50 years, follow their wisdom and advice. Most of them will tell you that there will be long periods of unhappiness, fall in land out of love. If you're not the type of person to weather it and expect everything to be happy, your marriage will not last.

[Saville_Row]

@shaysh87 I never said I expect to be happy always. You can see it in my first comment. I said you need to be happy with the person you choose in order to build foundation for your relationship. You cannot build that if you settle.

[shaysh87]

if you're not looking to settle, then you're never gonna find anyone. because reality is, there will always be things that you hate about your spouse or partner. If you have flaws, how would you expect your partners to not have flaws?

[JDAC2209199]

I think a lot of people nowadays don't want to be taken advantage of so they withdraw prematurely I think it's less about expectation and more about fear and insecurity as love leaves the biggest scars.

[JDAC2209199]

I had to shorten my answer dramatically as this got me thinking and I went on a two page tangent lol

[FreyaRed]

You can be single by your own choice, or you're single because you're no one's choice. I think someone's personal reference point in question of relationship and marriage differs on what end of the single-spectrum the person is.

[shaysh87]

This question was never to force someone to get married

[TheFlak38]

"Basically their expectation of marriage is something where they are happy 95% of the time. " add women to the equation and they expect to be 110% happy of the time. Men are walking away from marriage because it's rigged against them. Men lose everything and women win everything.

[DizzyDesii]

I dont expect marriage to be a walk in the park 24/7. However, if the majority of the time you’re more unhappy than happy, its time to go if talking things over aren't working

[shaysh87]

Many married couples say they experienced long periods of unhappiness such as 6 months or even years. They still stick to it. But eventually one day it becomes better again

[DizzyDesii]

Yea nah im not puttin up with 6 months of frustration. No disagreement/argument should outlast a week max

[shaysh87]

The truth is most marriages aren’t always happy all the time. If the first sight of unhappiness scares you, then don’t ever get married

[DizzyDesii]

And i clearly didn't say that. I said above that no one expects an always happy marriage. And i also said 6 months of pain is not worth it. If an argument lasts 6 months then thats clearly not the FIRST sight of unhappiness. Thats 6 months of bullshit

[shaysh87]

Ask Michelle Obama. She says there are months or even years where she wasn’t happy with Obama. But she says it’s worth it at the end when things are better. I’ve heard similiAr strokes from other married people. Some who have been married 30-40 years even say they fall in and out of love in marriage

Folks who don’t put up with it is the reason why Half of all marriages end up in divorce

[DizzyDesii]

You also have to know your worth and when its time to call it quits. So yes you try but 6 months of unhappiness? Still bullshit. Plus dont care for michelle so i wouldn't pay attention to much of the stuff she spits anyways

[shaysh87]

So why do you think half of all marriages fail? Because of people like guy

[shaysh87]

So why do you think half of all marriages fail? Because of people like you

[DizzyDesii]

Girl learn to handle an opinion. Are you married yourself? If so, go handle ya biz and be happy, if you even are. If not, talk to me more about it once you are

[shaysh87]

Ummm… statistics show 46% of all marriage ends up in divorce. I didn’t make that up

[horatiohornblower]

While a good number of people do have unrealistic expectations. I think what most are trying to get at. Is they don't want a marriage that'll be awful and end in divorce.

[shaysh87]

Divorce happens because of high expectations. They expect marriage to be happy. But marriage really isn’t always happy. There are married people who tell me they went months or even years being unhappy until issues resolved itself eventually

When reality kicks in and people find out marriage isn’t a fairytale, they divorce.

Why do you think our divorce rate is 46%?
Almost half of all marriages end up in divorce

[VikingWarLord]

Lifelong Monogamy Marriage is the BIGGEST SCAM (aside from religion) ever perpetrated upon humanity.

Read the book "SEX AT DAWN" by Cacilda Jetha and Christopher Ryan

[AncientWisdom]

Well it’s on the decline. Modern women do not have to depend on men so they are driving a return to polygamy.
You are right we are not evolved to be monogamous. How ever there is a chemical that is released during sex that pair bonds humans. This is one of the reasons monogamy got started , and why it’s attainable for humans. In polygamous society’s the majority still are monogamous.
However once again you are right in that society and religion pushes this on humanity because it’s good for governments and religion.

[oddwaffle]

Marriage is like a fortress besieged. The people outside want to get in and the people inside want to get out.

[AncientWisdom]

Yes many people these days have unrealistic views of all aspects of life.

[Mikeysoda]

Yes, and marriage is something one will not learn until in it!

[DarkWinterNights]

A. If you’re marrying someone to make yourself happy it isn’t going to end well.

[Andro36]

Absolutely
We've been told happiness is guaranteed and live will last forever and will make it all possible. All of that is nothing but lies

[Frauensindobjekte]

I don't want to marry anyone just an outdated concept.

[BestWoman]

mutsuz olmaktansa bekar kalmayı tercih ederim

[Mediterraneansoul]

Yes mostly modern women and their families

[Jmmmfi4]

I often wonder if i do this

[Anonymous]

thats called women lol

[Anonymous]

I dont know 🤷🏻‍♀️

[htmndg183]

Probably.

[In_Trance]

Not all of them