How to remodel your perception of marriage when your parents marriage has not been a good example of a healthy marriage?

[Anonymous]

My parents marriage is not a happy one. They don’t show affection, they don’t laugh together a lot and they argue frequently. My mum is sad and I’ve caught my dad out behaving a little bit more friendly toward other women than my mum, although I don’t think he would ever be one to cheat. I’m worried that because it’s the only example of marriage I’ve known and grown up with, that if I ever got married my marriage would be the same - I don’t want that. I can make conscious actions to stop it happening, but psychologically I’m worried I’ll fall into the same pattern that my parents marriage followed unknowingly. How do I remodel my perception of marriage and not follow my parents path?

[Anonymous]

Well the biggest thing was identifying it first. So that’s a start. Second I think you should wait for marriage till you feel you’re ready mentally. Whether that means reading, aligning yourself w other women who are married in your life that you may look up to. Even meeting strangers who are married that you see. Whether that’s at school, work, etc. Talk to them. If you feel as though they have a great marriage then inquire about it. Maybe grandparents. Take different things from different marriages that you think are great then incorporate that into your life but doing said thing. Meaning, you just can’t say oh Jane always cooks for her husband so I’d like to do the same. Saying as opposed to doing it are two different things. You have to want to willingly do it cause you love doing that. Not cause you feel like you’re forced to. I think counseling would be good as well because consciously you know the type of marriage your parents have isn’t what you want. But subconsciously if you can’t rewire that part of your brain there’s a good chance you’ll end up in the same type of marriage.

[Purpleronnie]

This is really quite a good questions, let me see if I can answer it based on my opinion and appropriately.


my parents marriage was a car crash , myself and my siblings were either mentally or physically abused by our father and the emotional turmoil around that and my parents relationship was always a feature. Arguments were many and volatile between them which cascaded to us to the extent that I never ever seen my parents happy ! The best I could hope for was quiet contempt or that they spend more time away from each other.
Perhaps because of that my view of marriage is far from positive and at the beginning of my adult life so was my view of relationships generally speaking.
So I have had to shape my view of relationships predominantly by myself. I have built that view through what I need and want as let’s be honest there are no model relationships really , no one-fits-all template.


My needs are the same basic needs as most look for , affection , acceptance , validation , security , trust , empathy , communication etc. I say basic as we all may prioritize these differently and at different points in our relationship (s). The wants change also , more time with friends or to do your own thing , romance , excitement , adventure etc


So , essentially what I’m saying here is if you haven’t got the role models or your think your perception of what a good marriage or relationship looks like , as many of us do , then look within yourself and build it out as you need and want.


It’s tough , but then nothing worth having comes easy in my opinion.

[DishLady]

You have to "skip back" or "skip ahead" to an example of a model marriage that is available to you. Find the components you like about that model. Look for a few additional models you appreciate… READ… possibly work with a therapist… and remodel to make sure you're cultivating a healthy, balanced sense of what a relationship is (not an overly idealized concept that will land you in lover's limbo).

[StarWarGirl]

We can change our perception by looking outside and inside.

Looking outside means looking other examples what proves it wrong.

Looking inside means, examining critically that where it went wrong, why this is like this and what could be solution how can we avoid or solve the problem.

[Flatmanlewis]

The fact you are having this conversation with yourself is already a huge step in the right direction. Make a mental (or written) list of relationship rules for you and whomever you are with and abide by them. Read some reputable books about healthy relationships and build from there.


Sometimes we learn how to be better from bad examples even more than good ones. Recognize their failures and steer away from any behavior that mimics theirs.


Also, recognize, a marriage is a deeply personal and private thing and anymore than your parents know all the depths of your relationships do you truly understand the depths of theirs. Be a little forgiving of their sad situation but definitely don’t allow it to influence your own life.

[exitseven]

Yes, my parents were not affectionate towards each other. I do not know how my brother an me ever got born. i had problems in my relationships because I never saw a good relationship close up. My father cheated on my mother. It was a real train wreck. I think that I saw how their marriage turned out and I wanted to do just the opposite. So far so good

[Sirius1]

We can’t live up to models. We can hardly live up to tradition.

We have to communicate, be understanding and forgiving, and try to live up to and do what we think is right. Having boundaries and your own set of standards is healthy when moving forward in relationships. As for treatment goes… you can’t have a standard or idealized person. Not everyone can live up to those as well as the models. That’s just the way I’ve seen it, and it hasn’t steered me wrong yet.

[Sirius1]

I’m sure there’s things about our parents we may not like either. They don’t pass our judgement and we want a better example to refer to. No model out there will be perfect. We have to go with our better judgement.

[ProbablyClueless]

Identify what they did well. Identify what they did poorly. Understand why they do the things they do. Model you own relationship based on that understanding.

I'm a big fan of taking notes and learning from others' mistakes.

[Anonymous]

It's not a given that you'll follow in their footsteps. You just need to be sure to choose wisely and for the right reasons, and live life to your own values.

[genericname85]

i mean it's your life, not your parents life. you can do what you prefer.

[jimmy2]

Well you know what not to do
Just do the opposite of them