Feeling undesired and like roommates after marriage—what should I do?

[kaleshigirl]

I’ve been feeling lonely and undesired after my wedding. I don’t really have friends to talk to, and I miss feeling emotionally close to my husband. We dated for 7 years before our marriage and after that it seems like I have been taken for granted. There are no efforts from him like before. We do have fun many times we have drinks go out etc. but I just feel more like a roommate to him than a partner now.

There is no eye contact, flirting, making out or even a heart to heart i love you. I dress up get ready but do not get any reaction from him. So now I stopped doing all and gone aloof, now he is asking what happened. What do I do. How do I tell him I feel undesirable. Does this usually happen after marriage or is something wrong here

[BCRanger10]

How long have you been married?

As a married man myself, I can tell you that yes, sometimes, my wife does seem more like a roommate than my wife. We have children as well, she works, and still is also able to homeschool our son. So I sometimes feel more like a roommate, even if she doesn't feel that way herself. In some cases, it depends on the circumstances and your life situation.

However, you also have to understand and acknowledge that the longer you're with someone, things don't seem as exciting anymore. When you get married and then first move in together and are intimate with each other, everything is new and exciting. But sooner or later, that excitement wears off, things aren't as surprising anymore, and the romantic tension that comes with adjusting to life with this person fades. But sooner or later, there's a season of renewal. You have a fight, you go on a trip or to a dinner party, or you just look at that person sitting next to you scrolling on their phone while you're reading a book and have a surge of appreciation for them. This season might last a few weeks or a few months and then, another season of routing and boredom will follow. But then, renewal comes after. It's a cycle.

So what's my solution?

So yes, this is a discussion that you should have with your husband. It's not just a one-time thing though, but maybe every two to four weeks. Think of it like doing a routine checkup at the doctor's office, tuning an instrument, or maintenance on your car; nothing is necessarily wrong. It should NOT with an air or tone of accusation! Do not - DO... NOT - tell him that you feel unappreciated. He might not think anything is wrong. You don't want to give him the sense that you're about to leave him, that he's failing as a husband, that you have needs or wants he can't honor or meet, or anything like that. Keep in mind that he might have things he wants and needs from you too, but he doesn't know how to express them or feel comfortable.

With my wife, our "meetings" start out with a prayer (we're Catholic). Then we honor each other by listing three things the other did since the last meeting that made us feel particularly loved or appreciated. After that, we ask each other how the other is doing; it can be anything, whether work, how the other feels in general, progress towards personal goals, and such. After you've lead with the positive, that's when you can start talking about the things that are bothering you. You have to know what's making you feel that way though, and more importantly, WHY. There is a degree of self-evaluation with which you should enter this meeting. You have to have the humility to ask yourself if you're nit-picking, if you're blowing something out of proportion, or if it's something legitimate. Assume good faith on your husband's part! Again, he might not think anything is wrong. You have to be able to communicate to him what you need from him and why and how it makes you feel desired, loved, and appreciated. And that's also a chance to talk about logistics, planning, calendars, etc.

And yes, you can and SHOULD talk about the bedroom too. It's not the end-all, be-all of marriage, but it is significant nevertheless.

The whole point of this discussion is to see how the other is doing in life, communicate your needs and desires, and learn to love the other person more and better.

[HawkPerception]

Communicate or nothing changes. Just tell him directly. It's really not as hard as you imagine it is. And once you tell him, you'll feel the weight lift from your chest because you'd have felt you did as much as you could.

Relationships need consistent effort and communication. Once people get married, they tend to fall into the lazy comfort zone. They think they already have their partner and don't need to work to keep them.

But here's the thing. It's not just the man that should make you feel desired. Men tend to mirror their partner's affection. So if he's not giving, it usually means he's not getting either.

Men in society are generally the initiators, but that can become draining in a relationship very quickly. Make him feel as loved as you want to feel.

[Screenwriter]

Sounds like something that COULD happen after marriage. Courtship is over. But it certainly doeen't have to. Sit down and talk to your husband and tell him this is not what you expected, nor want from marriage. Find out what's going on with him and what HIS idea of marraige is.

He may think once married all the rest of the chase ends. The fact is if everything ends, there also won't be a marriage. Good luck.

[Unycorn]

Tell him.

Ask what about a new hobby you experience together. What about dancing couple dances in a dance school? Just an example.

Find anything you do together. Inside, outside. Keep one fixed day per week for anything together.

Talk is key. Ask if he misses this also. If he sees the changes. Only examples because I don't know you both.

[ManOnFire]

I've never been married before so I'm no marriage counselor, but what I can say is that yes, it is extremely common for men to just stop caring after marriage. You would think marriage would excite them more and make them happy to have sex on end and keep you and not have to think about trying to keep a woman interested while dating, etc. but the opposite happens. They get lazy and figure they made it to finish line so they can just put everything on autopilot.

Tell him exactly how you feel.

[Levin]

There is a physical side and an emotional side.

It may be natural for the physical side to wane a little as you have been together for a long time. Of course, anything you can do to take care of yourself and your health is helpful here. Many people pack on the pounds when they get comfortable into relationships, for example. This doesn't help anybody.

But the bigger problem seems to be one more on the emotional side. Intimacy comes from understanding and communication. It's not just about going on dates or whatever, I appreciate that can keep the zest going. But if you're losing touch with each other while you're together, that is the issue. I think an open and honest conversation about how you are feeling, without any kind of judgement and blame, may be helpful.

[Nikki1989]

Common problem for many men. They only have so much gas in the tank, and once it runs dry, the marriage is doomed. Desire doesn’t disappear because something is wrong with you. It diminishes when one or both partners cease nurturing the emotional and erotic bond that once flowed effortlessly. All you can do is talk it out with him.

[loveyouoak]

7 years is a long time, so it’s normal for things to feel different after marriage. If you still care about each other, just tell him how you feel. Seeing a marriage therapist might help. And don’t think you’re undesired.

[molonski2]

Do you have any children? 7 years is NOT a long time , but you have 40 plus left , do it's best you seek professional help.

[bowenw]

It is not uncommon for the honeymoon stage to end and daily life and careers to become priorities in a relationship. Try to set time aside for each other and be sure to communicate your feelings.

[ABC1x1x]

You want to feel like more than romates then you should act like it. A man has been mowed in modern society. They cannot push boundaries. It's up to you. You want more, ask for it an take it. He isn't allowed.

[InknKink]

Show him this post. That's your starting point.

[Jersey2]

The famous 7 year itch. You need “date nights”. Research this. Have a conversation with him. And seduce him.

[ChicoFromThe305]

Tell him exactly what you told us, if he wants to make things better, he will

[LiamS95]

That is so sad, posdibly you can find a way to light the spark again. If you're feeling lonely feel free to dm me anytime.

[whosnumber_1]

I'm really sorry to hear about your struggles there. Have you talked to him about it?

[nomomrnice]

It's going to be communication that will give you the best resolution

[TonyMetal___86]

Tell him the truth so that you can both fix these issues and regain your happiness again...

[Mike_Hum]

So then you be the change you want to see. Marriage is 50/50. Take control of your half.

[Kingofkings1992]

Sounds like another made up gag relationship story lmao

[LiamJHayden]

The Love Dare. It takes 40 days.

[jahaims]

You didn't communicate with your husband?

[Honeyateleven]

separate maybe? 🤔

[robocop666]

sounds like a divorce will happen