My fiancé says we moved too fast and admits he proposed partly to keep me. Am I wrong for feeling hurt?

[Anonymous]

I’m 25 and recently moved to NYC to live with my fiancé. We got engaged in Paris in September after a fast-moving relationship.

Before proposing, he’d discussed marriage, asked for my ring size, and made me believe we were on the same page. Days before proposing, he suddenly questioned whether we should wait. He proposed anyway, but now says he has doubts about marrying so quickly and admits he partly proposed to keep me and make me happy. That really hurt.

He’s Indian and I’m not. His parents initially had reservations about us. His father recently visited after spending a weekend with him in California, during which my fiancé was distant.

His father wanted to stay in our small one-bedroom apartment. I wasn’t comfortable hosting someone I’d never met, especially given the family tension. My fiancé agreed, but his father repeatedly questioned why he couldn’t stay, making me feel like the bad guy.

During lunch, his father questioned why I wanted to marry his son. I became emotional and said things would probably be easier if I were Indian. I ended up leaving in tears. Now my fiancé says he’s hurt that people can’t stay overnight.

My fiancé also frequently attends networking and social events without me. I understand couples need independence, but I’ve moved to a new city without my usual support system and often feel excluded.

He’d also promised for over a month that I could join his London work trip and we’d have our own hotel room. Now those plans are uncertain.

He tends to withdraw when processing his feelings, leaving me feeling like I’m walking on eggshells. I never know what he’ll question next.

I love him and know we’ve moved quickly, but I’m starting to feel insecure about our future.

Am I unreasonable about his father and wanting more quality time? Is it normal to question marriage after proposing, especially when he admits he proposed partly to keep me? Would you postpone the wedding?

[HollyK21]

Gosh, what a hurtful situation. First and foremost, I find it completely understandable that you’re hurting, and you’re not being unreasonable at all. I would strongly, strongly advise against marrying into a situation where your partner doesn't stand up for you, his family has such heavy reservations, and he admits he only proposed to "keep" you. I think that when traditional family expectations enter the mix, the pressure can be immense. If he’s already struggling to back you up, it’ll likely lead to a gradual decline and built-up resentment down the line. It sounds like he feels a heavy burden of guilt because you moved for him, rather than a genuine, ‘ready to marry’ desire.

I’m so sorry you made this massive leap only for things to unfold this way. But please remember that you’re never stuck anywhere and can always choose your own path. I highly recommend postponing the wedding and taking a step back — whether that means getting your own place or moving back home with your support system — while you evaluate the future of this relationship. You deserve to feel secure, respected, and completely chosen.

[Screenwriter]

There seem to be too many unresolved issues to go glibly into marriage with this man. I have no idea why his father was trying to push himself on staying in your small apartment while he visited. It would be different if you had an extra bedroom and space, but it doesn't sound like you do.

And he admits that he thought you'd leave him if he didn't propose! Wow... Not a compliment. I'd give his ring back until you feel sure and know this man better. Six more months or a year should make you feel more sure. Might make his parents also feel sure. Good luck.

[Bianca_Italy]

Break up with him, now!

Why the heck do you even love him? He's not giving you any valid reasons to be loved.

He's just human trash, toss him away like an empty can.

I so hate the fact that most women have no self-esteem and love such losers, then women wonder why ''the bar is on the floor''. Wake the fuck up.

[Nikki1989]

You are not wrong at all. Men use women in this way all the time. Unfortunately, it usually happens once the damage has been done and the woman is left to dig her way out of it.

[Danny_dan92]

I mean… it makes sense why you are hurt from him saying that. The better question from that is, is his reasoning credible?

[Asker]

Credible how?

[Danny_dan92]

Have you ever actually lived together at any point prior to him proposing?

[In_Trance]

If he didn't propose at all, would you have been happy or not?

[Asker]

Yes I would have been fine but that’s not the point. The point is he led me on and proposed and is now taking it away

[In_Trance]

So... What you're say is, is that it didn't matter which decision he made; you were going to feel this way regardless

[Abbycado]

Not at all wrong.

[Anonymous]

What’s your ethnicity