I proposed to my boyfriend of years & he shuts off his phone. Did I make a mistake - we'd been talking of a future, etc. - together?

[Anonymous]

We've been talking for some time and it's like you know what if he's not going to "man up" when we've been talking of kids & holidays & houses together & everything else that comes with marriage - and have been for 8-12 months - I'm just going to do it.

I realize I may have ruined the "this is a man's thing to do" but at the same time I'm 38. If I have kids I want them sometime in the near future not another 2-3 years. And if he's not willing to take the plung then I am literally wasting my time.

[SteveSmith1985]

Holy shit! My jaw just almost hit the floor. I'm going to say..."something crazy happened to explain this".

I sure hope so anyway. Because there is no excuse in the world for him shutting off his phone. None. I'm thinking something ridiculous. Like he literally dropped it in the toilet or some random shit. Especially if you had been talking about a future together. Were talking about marriage and kids, and have been together for almost a year.

He is allowed to say that he's not ready yet if that's how he feels. On the other hand, he should have made the timelines he was thinking about during those talks about the future more clear. You probably should have too. But that's really besides the point. That doesn't in any way excuse him shutting off his phone.

I still want to believe on the "crazy random" bad-timing explanation. Because it's hard for me to imagine anyone doing that to their girlfriend. Even guys who are assholes. I have trouble even imagining most asshole-guys ever doing this.

If you're right, and he did literally shut off his phone. Then you didn't make a mistake. Not at all. This guy is a piece of shit. Only a piece of shit could ever do that NO MATTER WHAT he felt when you asked him. It's fucked up.

It's the equivalent of saying nothing... but turning and fleeing at full-speed; if this were an in-person proposal. It's an unacceptable reaction. Regardless of the sitution; it's just not acceptable. You can't literally run away like that. It's not something people DO. He did the over-the-phone version of that. (I'm assuming this is maybe long-distance or something and that's why you did this over the phone).

If this guy is that... fucked. You honestly did yourself a favor here. You do not want to spend the rest of your life with THAT guy. I understand that's far from how you see it now. But it's true nonetheless.

No decent guy would ever do that to someone. To anyone.

And, while admittedly your timelines are scary-fast in my opinion as well. It's not so fast that it's totally inappropriate. Just... fast still. He has no right to be that freaked out by it.

This has got nothing to do with it being the man's job. I can almost guarantee it.

So what the fuck? Now what? You have to wait and wonder when or if he's ever going to call? That's bullshit.

This is wrong. I'm sorry this happened to you. 🙂

[Asker]

@stevesmith1985 - I think I also did it because at times he has been a bit whisy washy. And it's like you know what it's nice to TALK about a future but if you're not willing to HAVE a future why am I spending anymore time with you?

I'm going to give him a few days and if he doesn't respond wish him luck & wash my hands of the situation. I work in medical, was training to be an IT specialist in university before switching. I am extremely logically & I've analyzed "us" a few times before doing this.

[SteveSmith1985]

While I may disagree with you philosophically on this. I don't think you did anything "wrong" by any means. You don't need to justify why you did. It was arguably maybe too fast, but not so fast as to be crazy or inappropriate or anything. Certainly nothing warranting his turning his phone off.

I like your plan to give him a few days to get his shit together. Otherwise, move on. That sounds like an excellent plan. I hope he at least has the balls to fix this. Even if he isn't ready to get married. What's he going to do. Just ghost you after a fucking year? I hope he responds. You certainly deserve that much.

[Wade12345]

I'd say "move on". Sounds like your man can't "man up" after all.

I agree with Ez-Bri-Z. I never bought intot the idea that it was always the man's responsibility to propose or make a first move either. Equal love should have equal responsibility.

[Ez-Bri-Z_v2]

I dont think you made a mistake at all. I never bought into the whole it should be a guy asking a girl out/asking to marry anyway. His reaction however is very weird. If he's mad about you asking first then he's being childish and if he's been wasting your time, well at least now you know and you can start to move on.

[Asker]

He's prone to childish responses to deeper emotions. He's an engineer. He can figure out some very impressive technologies... but emotions can sometimes be entirely beyond his grasp.

[Ez-Bri-Z_v2]

I work in IT so I know the type you are talking about. He has to have it make logical sense to him and the emotional side isn't logical. Do you think he has a chance of coming back from this?

[Asker]

Yeah I understand - I was training in IT/engineering before switching careers in university - and that's why I tried to put it forth as logically as I could. And yet he still did this. So I am not sure if it's sheer shock, panic or he was just running his mouth & leading me on.

I look at it I'll leave him for a few days to process it & if he doesn't respond, etc. just wish him luck & wash my hands of the situation. Even if he says "no thanks" at least I'd have an idea where he stands.

[Ez-Bri-Z_v2]

That's probably all you can really do honestly. I hope everything works out one way or another for you. Good luck

[Asker]

Thanks a bunch.

[JazzGirl27]

Oh wow, I completely understand the time frame thing. But I don’t think I could propose to a man. I applaud your courage

[driven159]

the only mistake is making him your boyfriend, but you can fix that by moving on.