The Answers That Will Save Your Life

Recently, I've considered something. Why does this site have so much activity and yet never seems to make anyone feel better or really give much of a perspective. The reason, I believe, is because we need a better foundation. We need to take a step back and realize the most basic false premises with which so much dissatisfaction is built upon...

You are not special. Nothing you've ever done is unique; nothing you'll ever do is unique. There is someone smarter/dumber, prettier/uglier, richer/poorer. Nothing you change about your life will ever be anything that no one else has changed about their life. Even your physical makeup is nearly identical to someone else in the world given limited genetic materials. The world doesn't need you, even if you invent something that changes the world YOU yourself are not NEEDED for its survival. You are not preordained by anything or anyone to do anything. If you make a difference, it will make a difference but you will still be you and that person will not be exceptional.

WHY THIS IS A GOOD THING: You're allowed to live for yourself. You're allowed to live without any pressures to do anything. If you want fame, money, or some other success that's fine! If you want just enough money to raise a family while being able to spend the majority of your time actually with them that's fine. If you prefer to live alone and never have children that's fine. Nothing will change for anyone else and you won't be disappointing anyone because, again, no one really needs you to do anything even if some may try to force your hand believing you're the key.

You are not a natural anything. If you posses a skill it's only because you've failed more times than most people have failed at it. Maybe you failed as a kid. Maybe you failed in your free time, but you failed and you learned. The relative difference in IQ is not so great as to make the learning process that much faster, in general. Even if you have an extremely high IQ, a skill is still something that takes experience.

WHY THIS IS A GOOD THING: You can stop using you're just not that good at it as an excuse. You can become great at anything if you're willing to fail. Again, this has to be something that makes you happy not something that will prove yourself to others. You'll never prove enough because you aren't special.

You will never be better than you are now. Self-help books won't improve you even if you follow them to a tee. This is because there is no better version of yourself. There is no person existing that is incomplete. You are already a complete, fully human entity. You can improve your finances, you can improve your appearance, you can even improve your personality, but you cannot improve yourself.

WHY THIS IS A GOOD THING: You don't have to feel like you need to fill the missing pieces anymore. Who you are now is as good as it's going to get. This re-frames your mind from looking to the future to experiencing the present. It also gets you way from dangerous circular thinking where in reading self improvement books, you further cement your feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. I love self improvement clearly as I've written nearly 200 if not more takes for absolutely no money or prestige. Yet, when self improvement becomes a need rather than an interest, the new message is you're not good enough and probably never will be but read this if you want, loser. Accepting that you're as good as you're going to get take the pressure off of having to change yourself into something more whole. Expand yourself but don't replace yourself.

You already have too much. You don't need any more. More is a lie you're fed and you eat. This can come in the form of eating fast food, spending almost all your paycheck at the mall, being in a relationship where you never quite feel like your SO gives you as much love as you'd like. You're conditioned to want more even when you have more. You're conditioned to believing when you get more you'll be happier even when you get more and are not happier. Fantasy replaces reality and the knowledge that more is not as sweet as it sounds is something akin to having a great dream and waking up in prison.

WHY THIS IS A GOOD THING: If you live in the US i'd bet you have TOO much. By this i mean you have more than you need to survive. It's not a bad thing to have too much but it can be if you become obsessed with the things your money or power can get you. Entitlement has become a cliche word to target young people but that's only because young people are too inexperience and innocent to defend themselves. Everyone you know feels they deserve more of something and they wake up every day trying to get it.

You don't deserve anything but what you have currently and maybe not even that. Even from your parents, you don't deserve more of their love. More of their love won't actually make you happier since, unless your parents absolutely despise you, getting more love will eventually just want you to want even more love. Like the girl in the bluest eye, the thing you want will be replaced by something as else as soon as you get it. Consider yourself rich right now because you are.

pavlove is a GirlsAskGuys Editor
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Most Helpful Girl

  • I can get behind the idea we don't need more and we aren't special but I think we actually need a bit of pressure to push ourselves. If you simply accept that you're just you and there's nothing more to it, I think that often leads to a lethargic mediocre life where even if your goal is to just have that family and exist in the suburbs, it leaves no room for goals and dreams and to accomplish things outside of that.

    Also the whole idea that a self help book never helped anybody is rather misleading. If you feel the need to change, and some people really do need to make changes in their lives and become better versions of themselves (ex. dead beat drug dealer dad, alcoholic mom, abusive friend), part of getting those books is trying to find some knowledge that you don't already have within you, to help guide you on a path to help yourself. It's a lot like if you don't know how to cook, you might pick up a cookbook to learn how to do so. Not everyone possesses some kind of magical inner being that knows what to do all the time with every situation... actually no on possesses that.


Most Helpful Guy

  • Yeah, sorry, I don't go with the "you can't ever improve" and "everyone's okay exactly the way they are" BS. It's a big reason why we've become a nation of slugs.


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What Girls Said 1

  • such good advice, Pavlove
    I think I already knew this, but it is good to be reminded:)


What Guys Said 1

  • I already knew most of this but thanks for telling me some of the things I didn't realize until now :)