Intro:
Hey, guys, I'm back! I'm uhh sharing random writing from my childhood today. I'm sorry that I can't give EXACT dates. I only know the age I was because I was weird and only wrote down ages.
Also, a lot of this will be unedited because I want to preserve my growth or well the original work if that makes sense. So sorry if anything is screwed up punctuation wise and etc. I'll add pictures to help the reading go smoother though.
As always, Enjoy or not. Ps: I was a weird and screwed up kid so sorry if I freak or gross some of you out.
Age 12: My Father Leaving Poem (Warning, Pretty Sad.)
I remember when I was called a little princess; she thought as other girls had their father embrace. I mean it wasn’t like I cried right? To scientists, kids can’t truly think for themselves till at least age eight. He left with the wind; gone with the wind.
I had my tears but it numbed my heart as the songs blasted in.Time and time again; i had to move on cause while you were out my mom was in. She’d hit me too; like you did but it was love not abuse. I loved her so much i wanted her love not abuse.. It kept me from knowing, going, and exploding.
Or so i thought till first grade came in humming. I heard the screams then, but where were you? She brought a new man in and i had to settle in my blue. He was under my room; he heard it all. And offered suggestions; why am i bleeding right now? Oh right. She slapped me another lesson.
Then sometimes i think i miss you, but i can’t find a care left. Why don’t i want a father? Because he left me. He couldn't find a care left. Why weren't you there? Why did you let her hurt me? Why did you let those guys do that to me? Why am i alone? I wish I was alive again.
Age 13: Diary Entry
(I was really into philosophy and psychology at this age.)
Well, recently a friend asked me what was the meaning of life. They asked because it was pointless and what we tell ourselves to make it have some purpose is all a lie. You know, since it's constant suffering all around us. And it made me think, what if there IS nothing out there? No purpose and all chaos. Everything is cold, dark, and pointless.
I couldn't give him a real answer then. It was baffling to me even though I think about such a topic constantly.
But, today....it's like an answer came. I can't even word it really. Perhaps it's an emotional factor as well. However, I think maybe life is simply to live and end. As a wave from the ocean does. A raindrop falling from the sky. And all the things in-between. And the purpose is as abstract a the person themselves.
It's like right now. One thing that makes everyday life worth living is the small stuff for me. I mean I have thousands of reasons, but just everyday stuff makes me really love life. Like listening to the rain, and chimes from the wind chimes outside. They help me sleep and bring peace. Doing my hobbies and relaxing. Taking showers and being with nature. Being with others...it's just like it tells a million stories and lessons.
Hell, I mean sometimes breathing makes me smile. It's like wow, I'm really here. I'm alive and able to breathe with no struggles. I'm conscious. The thought makes me cry sometimes you know? For some reason, I feel like I've wanted to be here for a while. So being able to live in general gives me peace.
And yet, so does dying. I am content and happy with the thought. I don"t want to die now of course. I feel like I still have things to do. But dying gives me ease just as life does. I still get scared of those things sometimes. But it's just like a break almost. Despite life being the way it is there is a ton of pressure from everything. Hell gravity can be tiresome. So death is like a nice peaceful sleep. I wish to die in my sleep in a good way, but if I die another it's like some kind of relief I guess.
Retirement after working so hard at living.
Age 14: Weird Life Poem
My father was a Ghost.
My mother a blind sinner.
But she’d bend her knees and bow her head every Sunday.
Sunday was Family night; Family Dinner.
As for I, I was young and ripe. My mind swelled with thoughts like a fruit combusted of juice.
I could walk into a room like a wave to hush the crowd. Squeaks of plastic eyes turning. Drool of the silence from their mouths.
I was too proper to be what I was. Too pretty to be smart. Too intelligent to be stupid. And so they’d stare from afar.
Few gave me their names. I choked on them like spit, but I wouldn’t remember them anyway.
I took kindly to their faces, the shapes of their faces. Twists and turns, even spotted dots on their skin cases.
Their eyes as rainbows, though some took close to coal. I’d smile quite slightly, and keep quiet in my pose.
Age 14: Diary Entry
It's around 3:00 Am for me and some weird shit happened. It caught me off guard, and I must admit. I'm a coward right now...
I seriously wouldn't go downstairs to turn off the light in the kitchen because of this. Don't judge me, but I'm scared a ghost down there lol. Shoot something down there and my dog doesn't like it. I'm crying right now on the low. But anyway, I was basically sipping my literal tea, and writing some chapters for my books... All of a sudden my dog looks up and starts growling. Like viciously growling.
If you know my dog (whoever is reading my dumb diary) then you know he's the nicest dog you could ever meet. He only growls when conflict happens and when fights break out. He hates negative energy. So for him to just growl at a corner in the kitchen like that is scary. I had to look up like -
I saw NOTHING, but on my fucking toes and hairline, I felt a big rush of adrenaline. It scared the hell out of me and I got up so fast I almost spilled my damn drink. I love my tea! That's how you know I was scared to death. When my dog got up too he started backing away from the kitchen and growing defensively. I looked around near the kitchen
Again I saw nothing, but I felt weird. I just imagined the ghost in there looking at me like ole boy from that movie Sinister.
I said fuck it and started screaming my moms name. She told me to shut up and go to bed but that's not the point lol. This shit freaked me out and caught me off guard. Like I ran upstairs so fast if I had a wig it would have flown off, flew out the window, and landed all the way across the world from the amount of speed I used.
I went to my mom and told her what happened. She told me again to shut up, go to sleep, and TURN OFF THE KITCHEN LIGHT...
She just never wants to listen to me, smh. She only loves me when it's half past five guys. I'm not appreciative at this point. This shit really scared me. What if I died of a heart attack? And she kept trying to force me to go back down there to turn off the light and go to bed.
I mean I eventually went down there (it was unwillingly lol. She threatened to take my books), but I brought my dog down there with me. He kept growling my soul away and the whole time I was screaming as I cut off the lights. I'm bawling a bit right now. I just use humor to help deal.
I'm hiding out in my room right now too...
by the way, I'm using some meditation to help calm myself down. I think it may make the ghost stay out of my room lol.
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That's all for now, I'm sure too much is overwhelming and annoying. I'll post another if you guys like this one but I'm gonna see how this does first. Take care GAG.
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