Loneliness is my Happiness

[Royalsarcasist]

We all have those friends that can't without a boyfriend or girlfriend, they can't be alone for too long without feeling like they need someone. Maybe you are one of those people, it's not always a bad thing. I envy people who can share their life so easily. Some people, however, are on the opposite end of the spectrum. People who are so independent that giving away any part of your life to another person means losing freedom and autonomy. People like me. Where as its normal for people to always be coupled up, isolationism is looked down upon in society. But for me its the only way to be happy in life.

As a child, being independent is seen as smart and intellectual, someone who just wants to focus on themselves. Growing up however, things start to change when you aren't like everyone else. I wasn't dating, not because I couldn't, I just saw past it I guess, I didn't see the point. Thanksgivings get more uncomfortable, and friends leave you out of couples nights. I got tired of hearing about how I should be getting married, or friends saying they will set me up with so and so. I don't care about living my life with someone else, just for myself. Of course thats selfish right, not wanting kids or a husband, thats selfish. Thats what they say anyway and it never made any sense, not then or now. How could it be selfish for someone to just want to live their life as they want to live it? Well thats society for you, maybe not online society, but its the society you really see, and its how people really see you. People look at an unmarried 40 year old woman with distain, or pity, at least in the back of their mind. it shouldn't be that way though, elective loneliness isn't a mental disorder, just a personality trait.

I have been with a few people, here and there, nothing lasting more than a few months. I hated every second of it. It takes effort to have a good relationship, and usually the other person is just looking for something to take, and even if they aren't, you still give something away in the end. For me it felt like I was putting on a mask, pretending to enjoy something that made me want to runaway. I felt sick to my stomach lying to them and to myself. I knew it would never work, but I wanted it to, so badly, just to see if thats what I was missing. I don't know if they saw through that, but either way it always ended the same. A quick cutoff, with no real reason except that it wasn't for me. I'm only just now understanding that. And I'm not the only one, but I'm certainly in the minority.

The Freedom that being by yourself brings is endless, doing whatever you want whenever you want because you want it. There is no one to tell you no, no one to impress with your decisions, and no one to decide for you. Giving that up is something I don't think I could ever do. And everyone says "well if they love you and you love them it won't matter" but it does. Its not your decision anymore its our decision, which isn't remotely the same.

However just because I'm happy alone, doesn't mean I don't get lonely. It's still there, that biological emotion telling you to be with someone else, but thats all it is. I have people I care about deeply, and I wouldn't give my friends up for the world. They would do anything for me, and wouldn't expect anything in return, contrary to a relationship, this is where a friendship is far superior.

I'm curious how many people like me there are, people who can't see themselves with a second half. People who value freedom more than anything else. I always see future visions, picturing myself in the future, and none of those visions include a partner, they never have. I wanted to put this out here as a PSA for anyone like this to know that its okay to be alone and happy, no matter what your grandmother Judy says.

[SomewhereElse]

I could find myself in some of what you wrote, but I think your title is slightly misleading. "Solitude" might be more accurate than "loneliness", since loneliness means that one is sad because one is alone.

I've been in a few relationships, and while I really cared about my partners, I craved time alone. I've craved spending time by myself for as long as I can remember. I do enjoy spending time with people as well - but I really enjoy prolonged periods of time spent in complete solitude. It's hard because while some of my friends understand that, my family does not and worries if I do not reply for more than 2 days.

Having said all that, I can absolutely see myself having a relationship again. It would just have to be a person who understands that I just want to be alone sometimes, and that it doesn't mean I don't love them less.

I'm curious - when you were in a relationship, did you try to conform to the norm (seeing your partner as often as possible), or did you try to live according to your preferences? Did you talk about your preferences with your partners?

Also, at least to me, I do have expectations of my friends. I've had far too many flaky friends who expect me to be there for them in their time of needs and care about their shit, yet not even bother to check in when I need them.

[Royalsarcasist]

I agree solitude would have been a better title but it wasn’t as catchy lol. Um when I was in relationships I tended to conform because that’s the only way I knew how to please people. I do that with a lot of people, and it’s not a good habit. Put on a different mask to fit the room. But I enjoy being alone.

[Justcallmealy]

I've always felt better with myself than with anyone else. Fun part is I feel much better single than in a relationship, more confident, I feel prettier, smarter, funnier, wiser,... 😀

[Justcallmealy]

@Adelphïné Totally 😀

[Imcmullan]

I find this ideology to be impossible for a person who is emotionally and mentally in tact... ... the fact is, we are biologically made up to have feelings for people. Its basic human emotions to be attracted to people, be in love, care, n want companionship. Maybe you've had an experience that makes u think you want to be alone forever... maybe deep down you're afraid... I understand wanting your personal time but in a healthy relationship, you can still be you. We are on the earth with a zillion people bc we are ment to share our life with others. I was in a relation ship that was controlling so after we broke up I had PTSD... n if I felt for one second someone was trying to control me or take too much time, I left. Personally think that when people say they're better off alone they are either lying or they are lacking human emotion

[Royalsarcasist]

Probably the lacking emotion then. I have no bad traumatic experiences.

[Anonymous]

Ok im going to keep this real. You don't think I've tried too. put myself out there. trying too make a friend. i've been trying for 20 years damn it

So when people tell me too. get a hobby, activity etc. it's still not going to make a difference. You could be really nice and say. mind if i join your game. but i can guarantee you that person is going to say piss off. or something else negative. that's going to make you feel shit. and then what. exactly. your doing your hobby, activity all alone.

Don't get me wrong being alone is fine sometimes. But is it too much too ask for just 1 friend. preferably one that doesn't think our friendship means nothing

[Royalsarcasist]

I never said friendships simply relationships romantically

[Levin]

Very interesting. To me, honestly, the high I get from (true) love is insurmountable. It's like a feeling of bliss and ultimate contentment. Just laying there, with a woman, snuggling.

So I find your perspective interesting. The psychologist in me would be interested to know where this stems from. The childhood dynamics. Maybe the incidences where you felt loss of freedom? Why freedom is such a big thing?

[Royalsarcasist]

I don’t know I have always felt independent. But the worst part is when I try to be dependent on someone else. My whole body turns against me, it’s like I’m having an allergic reaction to a person. All I want to do is get away. I’m not sure what it is, but the only antidote is being alone.

[Levin]

Relationships aren't about dependence though. Co-dependent type relationships are kind of like the lowest ones you can have.

Did you have any issues with abandonment? Maybe you're scared to open up for fear of pain it may reopen?

Well, you have to do whatever is right for you. But life has a funny way of teaching you a lesson :) We get many opportunities to heal some kind of deep rooted trauma. One can only bury it for so long.

[Levin]

And be assured, you will be a happier, more complete person at the end of it. There is nothing to fear.

[Royalsarcasist]

I don't think this is trauma related, my parents have been together since high school and have been married for 20 years plus. None of my relationships, if I can call them that, ever lasted more than a couple months, and it was painful. I really wish it was an abandonment issue or something like that, then I could try and work on it. But this is something embedded in my code or something.

[Royalsarcasist]

And what makes me incomplete without a guy? Thats exactly what society tells us.

[Levin]

I suppose you're right. There is no one truth. Just for me, I can't imagine anything more important on this Earth than true love.

Yeah, sod off with your sick bucket :P

So you don't want connection at all? This is hard for me to understand. But I don't judge you for it.

[StingRayxoxo]

I enjoyed my solitude but I no longer want it completely or need it.
Thanks for sharing!

[Hannah591]

I enjoy having a relationship but I very much value my alone time away from him and from work, but as long as you make that known and you date someone who also values alone time, it kind of works out.
I feel similarly to you, even before I was dating again, I had no real desire to date anyone. I enjoyed coming home from work to re-energise and chilling out and doing what I like. Now, I have to fit that around seeing my boyfriend too, but that's okay.
I just wish that being alone wasn't always viewed upon negatively or like there's something wrong with you because you don't need human attention. People are always expecting me to be out all the time when I l love nothing more than being at home, doing my creative hobbies or doing whatever I like. I've been planning on meeting up with some fellow uni students and although I know I would likely find it quite a good experience, the idea of doing it doesn't really excite me. When you have chronic illnesses on top of that, you worry about suddenly becoming very tired or getting brain fog. I find it mentally draining to be sociable with acquaintances and I dislike most people, whereas with my boyfriend, I can fall asleep and that's okay.

[selfesteemguy]

Here I am. I used to live as a lonely person and I generally prefer "solitude" term instead of "loneliness" because loneliness means that "being sad because you are alone".

I am 22 years old. Never had a partner. And I don't want any, to be honest. I don't understand about romance & relationships and all that stuffs. I am an aroace (a. k. a. "aromantic asexual"). I never feel sexual desire for someone. I prefer animal companionship rather than human companionship. My best friend is my cat. People have shuttered my trust already. I use my solitude (or if you want to call it "loneliness") as my strongest weapon. Relationships are bullshit to me. None of them makes sense at all. And I am going to turn girls down, if they will ever offer me something because of the reasons I have mentioned above. I like my independence. Nothing can take the place of my freedom. I couldn't do the things that I am doing now if I was in a relationship just because of trying to keep that relationship going and overthinking about it.

[JackSmy]

Who ever said that a woman needs to be married and have children, to define her, and be of 'value' as if that is some measure of worth.
Who ever said that a man has to be a father, have children, and pass on the Family Name?
I don't know if it is wanting 'freedom' or just not giving a FCK, about established, social norms, but I think a lot, like you said, in your post.
I have had WONDERFUL, AMAZING people, visit my Life-path, and I have loved every second of the experiences with them, for that short time, that 'walk'.
Life is a journey, a road we walk. Some choose to walk the road, to see where it goes, meeting some, along the way. Others, like the little 'villages' they find, and settle.
To each, their own path, their own journey.
My dear Aunt told me, one time: "Happiness is an internal job!"
On whatever journey you choose, you can decide to have happiness in your heart, along the way.

[GiveitaShance]

I am the same way too. From time to time I do get lonely but I am happy I with being by myself. I dont want to date anyone. If it's not something you are comfortable with than I advise against doing it because it's not what is going to make you happy especially in the long run. If people close to you try to set you up just tell them as such. Communicate with them that you hate being in relationships and that it's not something that would make you comfortable or happy over time. They should try to understand that you enjoy your freedom and space.

[Phanta]

Excellent My Take. I agree with almost everything that's said. However, men have a sex drive whereas women don't. So there's always that biological pull to find somebody. I wish that would completely vanish, as the chance of me finding a lifetime partner whom I'm compatible with is virtually zero. For me, either females would reject me outright, or be interested in me, but want to change me. None would ever accept me as I am. I have authored a dissertation on the single life. It is Chapter XXIX (29) on my website: www.thezap.net

[Royalsarcasist]

Women have a sex drive trust me. That’s the hardest part of being alone. It’s just me and that’s all I have to think about, sex dives are biological not what I actually want

[Phanta]

A drive is an urge that is as strong as the desire to eat, drink, sleep, or use the washroom. You don't have a sex drive, trust me.

[19magic]

I definitely agree with @Royalsarcasist we do have a sex drive, where you're fidgeting in your seat cause you want something so damn much, or you get irritable if you don't get off

[GraveDoll]

Im the same. as a child, I have always been ok being alone. Was told it not normal. I have a few friends and I prefer it that way. I value friendship more than anything. It a choice and that loyalty are pure with no rules/conditions attached like relationships..

I have no strong desire to ever procreate or marry or any of the other stuff that I feel I should want because of ideology push on to me.

And yes the world makes one feel like they are freaks for it. I pay my own bills and depend on nobody. But I feel like it more of a punishment. Than a skill that value by others. But I can't fake or be bothered with pretending. probably why I have no facebook etc...

[SA9946]

I can totally relate. I know how much isolationism is judged and looked down upon in society. Sometimes even our friends don't understand. My best friend is so hellbent on getting me a boyfriend. It is so annoying, too a point where every new guy I meet even for friendly banter she dismisses them as having the 'bf' potential. I hate it and I find it so patronising. I also despise that most of my friends go for getaways and I can't join them because they are only for couples. It's ludicrous. Also at one point my best friend was so desperate for me to get a boyfriend that she started making a tinder account for me. I lost my wits then and there. She told that she just wants me happy but I found it really spiteful. Honestly society can't stand the idea of being independent and single. It is good that you can be strong for you and take care of yourself because you can't count on anyone being there for you.

[Starshine85]

I'm an adult but I don't really have freedom or independence due to a condition/illness I have. Probably due to the fact I've been isolated for so long and rarely able to see many people for so long, I haven't managed a really serious relationship or one that lasted. I always thought its a bit much kind of just being with one person though and spending so much time with and investing so much hope and trust in one person.

By the way, I read something on tinybuddha once which implied actually being in a relationship is selfish. I think it meant expecting so much from one person. I can't remember exactly but it made sense whereas before I read it, that concept was alien to me.

I don't want to be on my own in the future, but I can't see what would happen to me.

[Katebfun]

I agree with you and feel the same. I spent 7 years of my 20s by choice to be single. People did judge and wanted me to get married n have kids. That life is not for everyone. Honestly looking back I've had 2 serious relationships that were toxic and hurt my self esteem. Being alone is great because I have the power and my self esteem is higher. I've always been somewhat of a lone wolf. And when I was younger family/society made me feel bad for it. Looking back now, I see that I was being true to my authentic self and possibly spiritually advanced than others. Life is awesome, having loving friends n family is sometimes enough. Relationships are meant to be a reflection of good n bad in your self, it's not love n daisies. Love is strongly profound and force you to look within and change.

[FatherJack]

You really need to re-title this " Solitude is my happiness " , and I can fully relate to you... alone does NOT mean lonely !! Was married , now a single dad , working FT , so busy most of the time. After the marrige I ended , I could never let a woman into my life , other than arms length platonic friends only , no bitterness , just no desire to date and certainly never another another relationship.

More women than men now choose to stay permanently single , own gender friends meet female emotional needs far more than a man can , and , on average , women desire men far less than vice versa , & also celibacy is no problem for most women.

[Anonymous]

I like being alone, never understood that concept of move in with someone and do everything together from that time... My friends usually say they do what she likes and pretend they like it...

My last relationship I spent so much time talking to her and going to somewhere together.

It felt good and all that, but inside I was screaming, because I had no time alone or not even one day without no contact... Yes it ended suddenly.

I just do not understand why I have to be with someone all the time like most people?

I like occasionally seeing somebody, but not 24/7.

[Jjpayne]

I am honestly glad you stand up for what you believe and maybe this is just a season for you but either way it is good to have your own path and not be swayed by what people are telling you to do. You are directing your life and are making your own choices. Good For You!!! and thank you for being bold enough to share this!!

[Browneye57]

TLDR - seems you've simply hit on introversion verses extroversion.
Extroverts are energized by socializing. Introverts are worn out by it - they need their alone time to recharge.

About 75-80% of the population, both genders, are extroverted. They actually think there's something wrong with introverts.

[i1T2daty]

I think you should consider the term solitude rather than loneliness as the latter has a built in unhappy connotation- as if it weren't by your own choice.

I enjoy solitude and often crave it after being social too long. Society offers too little time for reflection, for introspection w/o which life can be pretty superficial

[ThisAndThat]

If your loneliness is your happiness you would have loved my life then. When I say I've been alone I'm not kidding you no relationships or friends for the majority of my life. When women say that have no friends they mean to say the list has dropped to under 100 or so. Mine has been mostly zero. I've heard many women say they don't need anyone in their lives to make them happy and they are usually divorced women that got sole child custody. And their false claims are automatically BS because when you have children they fill up those lonely voids in your life and we men aren't that lucky, we have the short end of the stick. We don't have tons of females lining up to get our number, we don't have tons of females liking our pictures and everything we share on social media. Most of us, we truly only have us and that's usually it.

[Anonymous]

I've given at least half of myself if not 100% to my SO. Then we had one kid (another half or taking part from my SO...), its really giving 100% to them. And then 100% to my next kid. Yes, I have given so much to them of my time, dream pursuits, etc., but they have given me a lot more back. Sharing a life with them is like having a life times four. It definitely is a struggle and some might find tedious, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.
A day off skiing somewhere or doing something on my own is fun too. I can always have days like that if I manage it correctly.
My wife says she would have been cool being on her own, but then she met me.
Live the life and love the life you've got. Settling for something you don't necessarily want isn't right either.

[Truthatanycost]

I'm exactly the same, but what you described is not loneliness, it's solitude. The thought of pairing up makes me feel tired already...

If you want to take it to the next level, try mastering some form of Mushin. I find that being able to have gaps in thought, or times where I have absolutely no thoughts adds to the ease of solitude and the enjoyment.

[Royalsarcasist]

Solitude wasn’t as catchy but you are correct it is more that

[Question_Everything]

With the comments that can only be described as a cacophony, you do you. It is the best solid piece of advice for this kind of thinking. Know that it is okay to be asexual and not want a romantic relationship.

I am glad to hear someone knows themselves well enough to have found what they want!

[DiegoO]

Been asexual doesn't imply that a person doesn't want a relationship. Asexuals are asexuals but not Aromantics. Their attraction towards a potential partner is romantic, not sexual.

[RawIronhide]

Ill be honest i didn't read everthing so i should say anything but i won't lol, hate me if you want. If you like being alone than you haven't been alone long enough, we need people, you can manage it for a short time if you still socialize with the outside world but those people won't always be there forever, you need someone for then too.