Loneliness is my Happiness

Loneliness is my Happiness

We all have those friends that can't without a boyfriend or girlfriend, they can't be alone for too long without feeling like they need someone. Maybe you are one of those people, it's not always a bad thing. I envy people who can share their life so easily. Some people, however, are on the opposite end of the spectrum. People who are so independent that giving away any part of your life to another person means losing freedom and autonomy. People like me. Where as its normal for people to always be coupled up, isolationism is looked down upon in society. But for me its the only way to be happy in life.

As a child, being independent is seen as smart and intellectual, someone who just wants to focus on themselves. Growing up however, things start to change when you aren't like everyone else. I wasn't dating, not because I couldn't, I just saw past it I guess, I didn't see the point. Thanksgivings get more uncomfortable, and friends leave you out of couples nights. I got tired of hearing about how I should be getting married, or friends saying they will set me up with so and so. I don't care about living my life with someone else, just for myself. Of course thats selfish right, not wanting kids or a husband, thats selfish. Thats what they say anyway and it never made any sense, not then or now. How could it be selfish for someone to just want to live their life as they want to live it? Well thats society for you, maybe not online society, but its the society you really see, and its how people really see you. People look at an unmarried 40 year old woman with distain, or pity, at least in the back of their mind. it shouldn't be that way though, elective loneliness isn't a mental disorder, just a personality trait.

I have been with a few people, here and there, nothing lasting more than a few months. I hated every second of it. It takes effort to have a good relationship, and usually the other person is just looking for something to take, and even if they aren't, you still give something away in the end. For me it felt like I was putting on a mask, pretending to enjoy something that made me want to runaway. I felt sick to my stomach lying to them and to myself. I knew it would never work, but I wanted it to, so badly, just to see if thats what I was missing. I don't know if they saw through that, but either way it always ended the same. A quick cutoff, with no real reason except that it wasn't for me. I'm only just now understanding that. And I'm not the only one, but I'm certainly in the minority.

The Freedom that being by yourself brings is endless, doing whatever you want whenever you want because you want it. There is no one to tell you no, no one to impress with your decisions, and no one to decide for you. Giving that up is something I don't think I could ever do. And everyone says "well if they love you and you love them it won't matter" but it does. Its not your decision anymore its our decision, which isn't remotely the same.

However just because I'm happy alone, doesn't mean I don't get lonely. It's still there, that biological emotion telling you to be with someone else, but thats all it is. I have people I care about deeply, and I wouldn't give my friends up for the world. They would do anything for me, and wouldn't expect anything in return, contrary to a relationship, this is where a friendship is far superior.

I'm curious how many people like me there are, people who can't see themselves with a second half. People who value freedom more than anything else. I always see future visions, picturing myself in the future, and none of those visions include a partner, they never have. I wanted to put this out here as a PSA for anyone like this to know that its okay to be alone and happy, no matter what your grandmother Judy says.


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Most Helpful Girls

  • 18 d ago

    I could find myself in some of what you wrote, but I think your title is slightly misleading. "Solitude" might be more accurate than "loneliness", since loneliness means that one is sad because one is alone.

    I've been in a few relationships, and while I really cared about my partners, I craved time alone. I've craved spending time by myself for as long as I can remember. I do enjoy spending time with people as well - but I really enjoy prolonged periods of time spent in complete solitude. It's hard because while some of my friends understand that, my family does not and worries if I do not reply for more than 2 days.

    Having said all that, I can absolutely see myself having a relationship again. It would just have to be a person who understands that I just want to be alone sometimes, and that it doesn't mean I don't love them less.

    I'm curious - when you were in a relationship, did you try to conform to the norm (seeing your partner as often as possible), or did you try to live according to your preferences? Did you talk about your preferences with your partners?

    Also, at least to me, I do have expectations of my friends. I've had far too many flaky friends who expect me to be there for them in their time of needs and care about their shit, yet not even bother to check in when I need them.

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    • 18 d ago

      I agree solitude would have been a better title but it wasn’t as catchy lol. Um when I was in relationships I tended to conform because that’s the only way I knew how to please people. I do that with a lot of people, and it’s not a good habit. Put on a different mask to fit the room. But I enjoy being alone.

    • 5 d ago

      I've always felt better with myself than with anyone else. Fun part is I feel much better single than in a relationship, more confident, I feel prettier, smarter, funnier, wiser,... 😀

  • 18 d ago

    I find this ideology to be impossible for a person who is emotionally and mentally in tact... ... the fact is, we are biologically made up to have feelings for people. Its basic human emotions to be attracted to people, be in love, care, n want companionship. Maybe you've had an experience that makes u think you want to be alone forever... maybe deep down you're afraid... I understand wanting your personal time but in a healthy relationship, you can still be you. We are on the earth with a zillion people bc we are ment to share our life with others. I was in a relation ship that was controlling so after we broke up I had PTSD... n if I felt for one second someone was trying to control me or take too much time, I left. Personally think that when people say they're better off alone they are either lying or they are lacking human emotion

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Most Helpful Guys

  • 18 d ago

    Ok im going to keep this real. You don't think I've tried too. put myself out there. trying too make a friend. i've been trying for 20 years damn it

    So when people tell me too. get a hobby, activity etc. it's still not going to make a difference. You could be really nice and say. mind if i join your game. but i can guarantee you that person is going to say piss off. or something else negative. that's going to make you feel shit. and then what. exactly. your doing your hobby, activity all alone.

    Don't get me wrong being alone is fine sometimes. But is it too much too ask for just 1 friend. preferably one that doesn't think our friendship means nothing

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  • 19 d ago

    Very interesting. To me, honestly, the high I get from (true) love is insurmountable. It's like a feeling of bliss and ultimate contentment. Just laying there, with a woman, snuggling.

    So I find your perspective interesting. The psychologist in me would be interested to know where this stems from. The childhood dynamics. Maybe the incidences where you felt loss of freedom? Why freedom is such a big thing?

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    • 19 d ago

      I don’t know I have always felt independent. But the worst part is when I try to be dependent on someone else. My whole body turns against me, it’s like I’m having an allergic reaction to a person. All I want to do is get away. I’m not sure what it is, but the only antidote is being alone.

    • Show All
    • 19 d ago

      And what makes me incomplete without a guy? Thats exactly what society tells us.

    • 18 d ago

      I suppose you're right. There is no one truth. Just for me, I can't imagine anything more important on this Earth than true love.

      Yeah, sod off with your sick bucket :P

      So you don't want connection at all? This is hard for me to understand. But I don't judge you for it.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • 16 d ago

    I enjoyed my solitude but I no longer want it completely or need it.
    Thanks for sharing!

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  • 17 d ago

    I enjoy having a relationship but I very much value my alone time away from him and from work, but as long as you make that known and you date someone who also values alone time, it kind of works out.
    I feel similarly to you, even before I was dating again, I had no real desire to date anyone. I enjoyed coming home from work to re-energise and chilling out and doing what I like. Now, I have to fit that around seeing my boyfriend too, but that's okay.
    I just wish that being alone wasn't always viewed upon negatively or like there's something wrong with you because you don't need human attention. People are always expecting me to be out all the time when I l love nothing more than being at home, doing my creative hobbies or doing whatever I like. I've been planning on meeting up with some fellow uni students and although I know I would likely find it quite a good experience, the idea of doing it doesn't really excite me. When you have chronic illnesses on top of that, you worry about suddenly becoming very tired or getting brain fog. I find it mentally draining to be sociable with acquaintances and I dislike most people, whereas with my boyfriend, I can fall asleep and that's okay.

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  • 17 d ago

    I got used to it. It's certainly nice being alone.
    Doesn't last for too long for me however.
    I mean I'm totally fine being alone - even if I will die alone. I however would really prefer a nice lady by my side. Love and sex feels like a verge between a want and a need. Because why not, Oxytocin and Serotonin are really nice.

    It is understandable and relatable what you are saying. I had a time, where I felt the same. Those were my MGTOW days.

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    • 17 d ago

      Yeah but after you get those hormones and are done, what’s the point? You just cater to someone else just to feel good for a few seconds. It just seems trivial to me.

    • 17 d ago

      Not for me. It doesn't end there.
      I love women. I do what I love and love what I do.
      So long it's true, it keeps repeating.

  • 17 d ago

    I think you should consider the term solitude rather than loneliness as the latter has a built in unhappy connotation- as if it weren't by your own choice.

    I enjoy solitude and often crave it after being social too long. Society offers too little time for reflection, for introspection w/o which life can be pretty superficial

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  • 5 d ago

    I am honestly glad you stand up for what you believe and maybe this is just a season for you but either way it is good to have your own path and not be swayed by what people are telling you to do. You are directing your life and are making your own choices. Good For You!!! and thank you for being bold enough to share this!!

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  • 2 d ago

    Ill be honest i didn't read everthing so i should say anything but i won't lol, hate me if you want. If you like being alone than you haven't been alone long enough, we need people, you can manage it for a short time if you still socialize with the outside world but those people won't always be there forever, you need someone for then too.

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  • 18 d ago

    I love to be alone in certain environments but if I'm feeling some type of neglecting I become depressed. But i love being by myself. Sometimes i dont even think when I'm by myself i just observe nature and life or the moment that I'm breathing in because i love love love space

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  • 16 d ago

    TLDR - seems you've simply hit on introversion verses extroversion.
    Extroverts are energized by socializing. Introverts are worn out by it - they need their alone time to recharge.

    About 75-80% of the population, both genders, are extroverted. They actually think there's something wrong with introverts.

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  • 4 d ago

    I am like this too. I find watching romantic shows so cute and i love them so much but when it comes to having a romantic partner myself i can’t imagine it. I didn’t know why i felt so weird but i think that now i got an idea why

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  • 17 d ago

    With the comments that can only be described as a cacophony, you do you. It is the best solid piece of advice for this kind of thinking. Know that it is okay to be asexual and not want a romantic relationship.

    I am glad to hear someone knows themselves well enough to have found what they want!

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    • 17 d ago

      Been asexual doesn't imply that a person doesn't want a relationship. Asexuals are asexuals but not Aromantics. Their attraction towards a potential partner is romantic, not sexual.

  • 4 h ago

    The introvert in me doesn't just enjoy being alone, but needs it. It is where I recharge.

    But then, I get all these thoughts and ideas in my head, and if I didn't have people in my life I could share them with, I'd go insane

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  • 5 d ago

    Honestly, this is very relatable. I defenitly see it. I'm the same. To the point sometimes I even isolate myself from my friends and family because it's SUFFOCATING. I love them to death but I can't stand having people always there 24/7, 365 days of the year. I like my alone time WAY too much.

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  • 18 d ago

    I'm exactly the same, but what you described is not loneliness, it's solitude. The thought of pairing up makes me feel tired already...

    If you want to take it to the next level, try mastering some form of Mushin. I find that being able to have gaps in thought, or times where I have absolutely no thoughts adds to the ease of solitude and the enjoyment.

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  • 17 d ago

    Who ever said that a woman needs to be married and have children, to define her, and be of 'value' as if that is some measure of worth.
    Who ever said that a man has to be a father, have children, and pass on the Family Name?
    I don't know if it is wanting 'freedom' or just not giving a FCK, about established, social norms, but I think a lot, like you said, in your post.
    I have had WONDERFUL, AMAZING people, visit my Life-path, and I have loved every second of the experiences with them, for that short time, that 'walk'.
    Life is a journey, a road we walk. Some choose to walk the road, to see where it goes, meeting some, along the way. Others, like the little 'villages' they find, and settle.
    To each, their own path, their own journey.
    My dear Aunt told me, one time: "Happiness is an internal job!"
    On whatever journey you choose, you can decide to have happiness in your heart, along the way.

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  • 1 d ago

    a lot of pepole here like you, even if they dont admit it honestly like you.

    all of us here get this place to escape to clear our mind, jelp each other,

    loneliness is not good for you or any of us thats why we are here giving advices to each other but none of them to ourselves 🙃

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  • 14 d ago

    I DO understand what you're saying up until the explanation of "loneliness" being the result of a 'biological emotion'. I believe your emotions stem from your thoughts which function on a higher level, not your body which functions on a lower one. I don't understand how you can be truly "happy" by yourself, and with your friends, yet still "feel lonely". Perhaps loneliness is not the right word for what you're experiencing?

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  • 17 d ago

    I've literally never related more to someone more then once. I was the “anon” rape writer lol

    2 times in a row.

    I think you should look into astrology. Honestly finding out your natal chart will help you understand yourself even further, its fascinating and scarily true.

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  • 18 d ago

    I'm kind of like this too. Just me surrounded by the universe, you get a kind of odd connection with all that is especially when far out in the wilderness. I won't say it's normal though, I will surely take myself out of the gene pool this way.

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  • 7 h ago

    You can count me in there sweetie, I just always want to share everything with someone n do stuff together who I now have. He knows I need space too coz him being overweight but wants gastric sleeve fitted too n he doesn't wanna make me cranky when I am asleep too. He is happy giving me as much space as I need n he is my best friend for life tooneven if we broke up. We promised to add OK ways be there fir each other, if not physically, then by phone or Internet n to talk everyday too. XXXXX

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  • 5 d ago

    I love being alone, I’m not very lonely, I have my cat, she helps me a lot. I have a boyfriend too. I have social anxiety, cuz I have Aspergers, I also have sensory issues, I go out, but not a lot anymore. I’m happy staying home more, I have friends online, I play games, do stuff on my iPad.

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  • 16 d ago

    I like space and get worn out NY people, but love having someone around. For now it's my roommate and her dog. Before moving I was on my own. It was meh. Not do much lonely, but solitude can suck. I have my own spsce, but it's nice having someone around.. Then again. We get along pretty well sooo.

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  • 17 d ago

    If you find a relationship to be a burden, you are indeed better off alone. I am lonely my self but I manage a different perspective. Due to things I haven't accomplished yet is better for me to stay off from romantic relationships. A relationship is a responsibility.

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  • 18 d ago

    Yeah love is sacrifice. But I can understand what you Are talking about. I go years without trying, and sometimes I get interested in girls again, sometimes it was only sex, but I get bored Of that quickly too. I do find awesomeness in a woman and keep that excellence in my life as long as I can sustain the buzz of that inItial love. The women of my life have taught me everything about relationships that are great and so worth Being in a relationship for.

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  • 18 d ago

    I used to think like this. I never saw a man in my dreams. People would always tell me "when you get married... when you have kids..." I would always reply "who said I was?"
    I think once you find the right one things change though.
    Now I'm in a relationship... where my decisions affect him, and we move together as one. It's nice to have that. Nice to have that peace and that unconditional love thing going on. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

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  • 18 d ago

    It is looked down upon because most of those people who choose to isolate themselves from the world, are mostly ones who don't know anything about being an actual person, they don't know/don't want to know what self-improvement is, they find staying where they are a good thing which is unhealthy in the longrun, they barely contribute to society, they're aggressive and unstable when they have to deal with others, they're too lazy to step out of their comfort zones, they're aliens/freaks, while being isolated MIGHT be good in certain rare cases, it's mostly negative.

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    • 18 d ago

      Not always I don’t isolate myself. I have friends, and go to college. I isolate myself romantically

    • 18 d ago

      Yeah I'm not talking about you, sorry I forgot to mention.

      I was mainly talking about people who negatively isolate themselves from the world.

  • 1 d ago

    There is a reason we are created the way that we are. Just like there is a reason for everything that happens. I don't believe that we are meant to be alone. Not that it's a bad thing to be alone but i believe that we all have a significant other. Maybe you just haven't found him yet.

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  • 1 d ago

    I honestly skimmed some kf what you wrote because I haven’t slept and am falling asleep but the title is what made me.. to the point
    People who experience true loneliness dont want to be alone but me at least dont know whata to so anymore
    And people who aren't comepletly lonely want to be alone so its a vice versea glass haf full thing

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  • 3 d ago

    Feel the same as you about this stuff. I used to try relationships and often found I was bored or feeling manipulated, used or short changed. The worst thing for me is a guy who expects me to be always available and wanting to see him when he wants to see me, with no thought to how I might want more or less me time.

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  • 15 d ago

    I deffs want a relationship, but like u, i value autonomy and most people are casual about romance and I wouldn't waste my time like that. For me its a huge sacrifice to be with someone so it better be worth it

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  • 17 d ago

    I do agree with some of our points, I love being free and feeling free and having my space and being alone from time to time. But I would love to have someone by my side who I love very much

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  • 18 d ago

    Being solo and alone s not bad thing but believing that being alone only gives you happiness is wrong you should spent quality alone as well as with good people they need not be boyfriend or girlfriend to know how people are and also to know how to be in society and grow up in all respective like opportunities career etc

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  • 18 d ago

    You're happy only because it's your choice and you can leave it whenever you decide.
    For people like who can't leave it, loneliness is a burden I carry whether I want it or not.

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  • 5 d ago

    Yeah I've got two friends, that's it. We rarely speak to each other. I'm mentally detached from my girlfriend and my family, I feel ok though, everyone around says I'm depressed, but that's just how I am

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  • 14 d ago

    I've been alone most of my life and only have depression unrelated to being alone. So I'm fine.

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  • 18 d ago

    no that's insane, you can't have happiness with loneliness,

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    • 17 d ago

      you CAN have happiness with being single (not lonely), but you can't have a fulfilling life

  • 16 d ago

    I'm an adult but I don't really have freedom or independence due to a condition/illness I have. Probably due to the fact I've been isolated for so long and rarely able to see many people for so long, I haven't managed a really serious relationship or one that lasted. I always thought its a bit much kind of just being with one person though and spending so much time with and investing so much hope and trust in one person.

    By the way, I read something on tinybuddha once which implied actually being in a relationship is selfish. I think it meant expecting so much from one person. I can't remember exactly but it made sense whereas before I read it, that concept was alien to me.

    I don't want to be on my own in the future, but I can't see what would happen to me.

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  • 17 d ago

    Solitude doesn't necessarily mean lonely. I feel you.

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  • 15 d ago

    I want to not be alone, but people either ignore me, or take advantage of me when I try to form a bond with them. Some people aren't meant to be happy, maybe I'm one of those people.

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  • 16 d ago

    I am the same way too. From time to time I do get lonely but I am happy I with being by myself. I dont want to date anyone. If it's not something you are comfortable with than I advise against doing it because it's not what is going to make you happy especially in the long run. If people close to you try to set you up just tell them as such. Communicate with them that you hate being in relationships and that it's not something that would make you comfortable or happy over time. They should try to understand that you enjoy your freedom and space.

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  • 18 d ago

    Im the same. as a child, I have always been ok being alone. Was told it not normal. I have a few friends and I prefer it that way. I value friendship more than anything. It a choice and that loyalty are pure with no rules/conditions attached like relationships..

    I have no strong desire to ever procreate or marry or any of the other stuff that I feel I should want because of ideology push on to me.

    And yes the world makes one feel like they are freaks for it. I pay my own bills and depend on nobody. But I feel like it more of a punishment. Than a skill that value by others. But I can't fake or be bothered with pretending. probably why I have no facebook etc...

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  • 2 d ago

    I want a relationship but I know there's a lot of risks involved. Risks such as him cheating on me

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  • 2 d ago

    Its difficult to gibe an opinion, because of the simple fact that everone is made differently, have different, urges, desires and/or contentment in the way they believe or act.

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  • 3 d ago

    I agree with you and feel the same. I spent 7 years of my 20s by choice to be single. People did judge and wanted me to get married n have kids. That life is not for everyone. Honestly looking back I've had 2 serious relationships that were toxic and hurt my self esteem. Being alone is great because I have the power and my self esteem is higher. I've always been somewhat of a lone wolf. And when I was younger family/society made me feel bad for it. Looking back now, I see that I was being true to my authentic self and possibly spiritually advanced than others. Life is awesome, having loving friends n family is sometimes enough. Relationships are meant to be a reflection of good n bad in your self, it's not love n daisies. Love is strongly profound and force you to look within and change.

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  • 4 d ago

    I will go back to this road. When i was younger and without boyfriends and these crap I was so much happier. I'll go back to this state to find my peace

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  • 5 d ago

    Excellent My Take. I agree with almost everything that's said. However, men have a sex drive whereas women don't. So there's always that biological pull to find somebody. I wish that would completely vanish, as the chance of me finding a lifetime partner whom I'm compatible with is virtually zero. For me, either females would reject me outright, or be interested in me, but want to change me. None would ever accept me as I am. I have authored a dissertation on the single life. It is Chapter XXIX (29) on my website: www.thezap.net

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    • 5 d ago

      Women have a sex drive trust me. That’s the hardest part of being alone. It’s just me and that’s all I have to think about, sex dives are biological not what I actually want

    • 4 d ago

      A drive is an urge that is as strong as the desire to eat, drink, sleep, or use the washroom. You don't have a sex drive, trust me.

    • 3 d ago

      I definitely agree with @royalsarcasist we do have a sex drive, where you're fidgeting in your seat cause you want something so damn much, or you get irritable if you don't get off

  • 5 d ago

    I cannot fully relate to this. but if it makes you happy, great.

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  • 14 d ago

    I am happier normally by myself and people normally just annoy me.

    But that been said i do want one person to be with.

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  • 16 d ago

    I like me time and the occasional one nightstand with a girl.

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  • 18 d ago

    You really need to re-title this " Solitude is my happiness " , and I can fully relate to you... alone does NOT mean lonely !! Was married , now a single dad , working FT , so busy most of the time. After the marrige I ended , I could never let a woman into my life , other than arms length platonic friends only , no bitterness , just no desire to date and certainly never another another relationship.

    More women than men now choose to stay permanently single , own gender friends meet female emotional needs far more than a man can , and , on average , women desire men far less than vice versa , & also celibacy is no problem for most women.

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  • 15 d ago

    I feel the same. Many of my friends and their partners are always trying to set me up or push me into dating. But I'm not interested in that.

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