We all have those friends that can't without a boyfriend or girlfriend, they can't be alone for too long without feeling like they need someone. Maybe you are one of those people, it's not always a bad thing. I envy people who can share their life so easily. Some people, however, are on the opposite end of the spectrum. People who are so independent that giving away any part of your life to another person means losing freedom and autonomy. People like me. Where as its normal for people to always be coupled up, isolationism is looked down upon in society. But for me its the only way to be happy in life.
As a child, being independent is seen as smart and intellectual, someone who just wants to focus on themselves. Growing up however, things start to change when you aren't like everyone else. I wasn't dating, not because I couldn't, I just saw past it I guess, I didn't see the point. Thanksgivings get more uncomfortable, and friends leave you out of couples nights. I got tired of hearing about how I should be getting married, or friends saying they will set me up with so and so. I don't care about living my life with someone else, just for myself. Of course thats selfish right, not wanting kids or a husband, thats selfish. Thats what they say anyway and it never made any sense, not then or now. How could it be selfish for someone to just want to live their life as they want to live it? Well thats society for you, maybe not online society, but its the society you really see, and its how people really see you. People look at an unmarried 40 year old woman with distain, or pity, at least in the back of their mind. it shouldn't be that way though, elective loneliness isn't a mental disorder, just a personality trait.
I have been with a few people, here and there, nothing lasting more than a few months. I hated every second of it. It takes effort to have a good relationship, and usually the other person is just looking for something to take, and even if they aren't, you still give something away in the end. For me it felt like I was putting on a mask, pretending to enjoy something that made me want to runaway. I felt sick to my stomach lying to them and to myself. I knew it would never work, but I wanted it to, so badly, just to see if thats what I was missing. I don't know if they saw through that, but either way it always ended the same. A quick cutoff, with no real reason except that it wasn't for me. I'm only just now understanding that. And I'm not the only one, but I'm certainly in the minority.
The Freedom that being by yourself brings is endless, doing whatever you want whenever you want because you want it. There is no one to tell you no, no one to impress with your decisions, and no one to decide for you. Giving that up is something I don't think I could ever do. And everyone says "well if they love you and you love them it won't matter" but it does. Its not your decision anymore its our decision, which isn't remotely the same.
However just because I'm happy alone, doesn't mean I don't get lonely. It's still there, that biological emotion telling you to be with someone else, but thats all it is. I have people I care about deeply, and I wouldn't give my friends up for the world. They would do anything for me, and wouldn't expect anything in return, contrary to a relationship, this is where a friendship is far superior.
I'm curious how many people like me there are, people who can't see themselves with a second half. People who value freedom more than anything else. I always see future visions, picturing myself in the future, and none of those visions include a partner, they never have. I wanted to put this out here as a PSA for anyone like this to know that its okay to be alone and happy, no matter what your grandmother Judy says.