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How To Properly Bath Your Cat - The facts you never knew

Some people say that cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk, dislodging the dirt where it hides and just whisking it away.

How To Properly Bath Your Cat - The facts you never knew

I have spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage, and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace. The time comes, however, when you must face reality; when you must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a porta-potty on a hot day in Juarez!"

When that day arrives in your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might want to consider as you place your feline friend into your loving arms and head for the bathtub.

How To Properly Bath Your Cat - The facts you never knew

ADVANTAGES YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT

First, know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and the lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe her in an open area where she can force you to chase her. Pick a small bathroom where you have the advantage.

If your bathroom is more than ten feet by ten feet square, then I recommend that you get in the tub with your cat and close the sliding glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. Remember, a simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply plastic shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.

How To Properly Bath Your Cat - The facts you never knew

DON'T IGNORE THE WARNINGS

Never forget that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself.

I recommend canvas overalls tucked into steel-tipped high-top water-proof construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, a bullet resistant army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long sleeved flak jacket.

ALWAYS PREPARE FOR THE WORST

Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Now draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure and that the towel can be reached, even if you are forced down onto your back in the water.

How To Properly Bath Your Cat - The facts you never knew

DON'T FORGET - TIMING IS EVERYTHING!

Now use the element of surprise! Lovingly pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if you were simply going to carry her to her supper dish. Cats will not pay attention to your strange attire. They have no fashion sense as a rule. if she does notice your unusual garb, just explain to her that you are practicing a new training exercise for the Search and Rescue Team that you recently joined.

Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to your survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt her with shampoo.

You have now begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life!

How To Properly Bath Your Cat - The facts you never knew

THE SLIPPERY TRUTH ABOUT CATS

Cats have no handles. Add the fact that she now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded!

Do not expect to hold on to her for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you do have her in control, however, you must remember to give her another squirt of shampoo and then rub like crazy while you have the chance! She will inevitably spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing herself off. The national record for cats is three latherings so don't expect too much your first time.

How To Properly Bath Your Cat - The facts you never knew

NOW THE FUN PART

Finally, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, as humans are generally worn out and exhausted at this point, whereas the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have been through so far. That is because the cat is now semi-permanently affixed to your leg.

Now you simply pop the drain plug with the foot of your other leg, reach for your towel and wait. Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clawing her way up the back of your flack jacket to the top of your army helmet determined to perch herself there for dear life. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake her loose and encourage her to sit still while you try to dry her off, at which point she will again attach herself to your leg.

How To Properly Bath Your Cat - The facts you never knew

In a few days, your cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. She will then usually have nothing to say for the next three weeks, spending most of her time with her back to you. She may even become psycho ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster of Paris figurine.

You will even be tempted to think that she is angry at you. This isn't necessarily the case. As a rule, she is simply plotting ways of getting through your defenses so she can injure you for life the next time you decide to give her a bath.

But, at least for now she smells a lot better!

How To Properly Bath Your Cat - The facts you never knew
How To Properly Bath Your Cat - The facts you never knew
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Most Helpful Guy

  • Lliam
    LMAO! That was so funny and the photos killed me!
    I've never bathed a cat. My wife and I have had several and never had a need to. None of them ever became stinky or left dirt smudges on rugs or furniture, although they do leave fur. To manage the fur, all you have to do is brush them, which they usually enjoy.

    I'll backtrack on never having bathed a cat. I once rescued a 5 week old kitten from the middle of a busy highway moments before it was turned into a wet spot by an oncoming tsunami of cars. When I got it home, it was filthy - covered with oil, dirt and fleas. My wife and I bathed her thoroughly. She was a kitten, though, and not feral, so we managed without of either of us needing hospitalization.
    Is this still revelant?

Most Helpful Girls

  • kymberz
    bhahahahahahha! oh bhahahahahah! oh me bahahahahah! goodness bahahahaha! ok - THAT just made my day! that is the funniest thing i have read in a long time. oh and the dry wit and humour - oh killing me! man that was funny! thank you so much! bahahahahah! (i'll be laughing all day over this one!)
    Is this still revelant?
    • Thank you so much!

      myTakes are a lot of work and it is always great when someone really likes them.

      Now you have made my day as well and you definitely deserve the Gold Star! :)

    • kymberz

      no really - like the effort that you put into that is very evident and then all of the pics are hysterical and then the dry way you say things like "In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have been through so far. That is because the cat is now semi-permanently affixed to your leg." - like - bahahahaha! and that's definitely not the best or funniest line - they are all funny! and i am so glad to have made your day because MAN - did you make mine and now i am re-reading this and it is funnier now than it was before - bahahahahah! you really nailed this! you should have your own meme or something but it wouldn't all fit! but thank you!

    • kymberz

      thank you very much for MHO! i really appreciate it!

    • Show All
  • ChgzDaniel
    This was hilarious. I've never bathed my cat but now I absolutely must give it a go lmao
    Is this still revelant?

    • Thank you, I am so glad that you liked it!

      We must always take good care of our feline friends :)

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What Girls & Guys Said

1220
  • Flower7
    This was very funny, and also true! I really enjoyed reading it, and it made me laugh a lot. This is the reason my cat goes to the groomer for baths.
  • MrOracle
    How to make it easier and somewhat less dangerous- buy an aluminum mesh screen big enough for the cat to stand on. Put it in the sink/tub. The cat will instinctively claw on to the screen, and if you maintain gentle rearward pressure, the cat will stay in place and you will only need to avoid it's teeth - the claws will be neutralized. It works even better if the screen is tilted slightly upwards, as it increases the cat's instinct to grab on to it.
  • NineBreaker
    "Dear Cat Diary,
    " My human tries to drown me periodically, and I do not understand why. She is kind, gentle, and provides for me, so I do not understand her motivation for doing this. I am beginning to suspect that she is trying to sacrifice me to a water-deity, since she worships said deity daily herself. Other cats have auggested that this is the human attempt to bathe us, but that is illogical, since I bathe myself with my tongue all the time."
  • DeeDeeDeVour
    Awesome!
    Meanwhile, not a single one of my cats was ever happy about getting washed, dried & groomed.
  • You're making this way more complicated than it has to be, get an old, empty bottle of miracle grow, fill it with dish soap, and hose that nasty pussy down, switch it over to soap for a second, then back to water, clean kitty.

    No having to worry about catching, or clawing, if you need more range use a pressure washer ;) Also who has a bath tub bigger than 10 feet by 10 feet? Jeeze Louise I want to swim around in your tub lol.
  • Juxtapose
    It is absolutely not folklore.

    I've had cats that have lived for over 10 years without a bath and they smelled pretty good, especially when you compare them to dogs.
  • Tunasub
    That is absolutely genius and highly accurate. I just got a kitten and have been wondering how big of an ordeal this would be... thank you. You have prepared me for what is to come. My advantage is having read this little marvel as well as the element of surprise.
  • MannySimms
    Never bathed a cat I've lived with. Their longevity ran from 10-20 years in good health. So... No.
    • On rare occasions, they get fleas or smell off.. Then it's required. Maybe once a year.. If you start when they're kits, they might get used to it... Caution is the better part of valor. I still have claw marks from a long ago cat washing before those great anti flea drops were created...

  • DanOh2018
    Just gave this guy a lion cut for hygiene reasons. Some cats are just bad at grooming.
    • Little guy looks cute af! 😄

    • Cats that don't clean themselves well either have a muscle/neurological problem or a mother cat that didn't clean them well as kits, so they never learn...

  • Mandari
    I find it that my old cat didn't like cold water but will tolerate Luke warm. It makes bathing her easy and she was a small cat so... I have control in the sink lol
  • Moonchild714
    I've been blessed with ats that love water they take showers with us everyday. Right now my Husband get that luxury. I miss my baby girls...
  • The only time i bathed my pussies was when they had fleas it was simply an awful experience for everyone involved.

    cats stay clean without a bath if they are indoors and have no parasites
  • purplepoppy
    I just stick mine in the washing machine on a cool short wash.
  • Daniela1982
    Some don't mind a warm bath but a cold one? Would you like a cold bath?
    Just great! As if I can't clean myself.
    Just great! As if I can't clean myself.
    A little to the left please.How do you like MY bath sucker?
  • Elliegirl
    Omg! That second to last pic give me such a good laugh. That cat’s expression is priceless!!
  • worldscolide
    I've never washed my cats.. I tried it once (warning exaggeration ahead for jokes) and I needed a team of trained surgeons to save my life..
  • TCredo
    I am so allergic to cats I sneezed when I saw the question in my feed :)
  • Yes. I am usually afraid my cat will claw me up if I gave her a bath. That's why I don't do it. I might wet her a little but no full bath.
  • Brings back so many memories of my sister's cat. 😂😂😂
  • SuccessfulHornDog
    I used to wash my cat in the utility sink. it is deep and harder to get out of.
  • Liam_Hayden
    Slip him a Mickey Finn, wait for him to pass out, wash him, dry him off, and wait for him to wake up.
  • I love cats my cat passed away 5 months ago :'(
    • Awe... I am so sorry to hear that you lost your cat :( I love cats too

  • Lol!!! Those pictures!!! You just made my day :)
  • I don't have a cat lol but good read
  • GraveDoll
    DIED!
    those pictures LOL
  • I never bathe my cats
    • May help keep their dander down and any allergies you might have, plus remove stubborn fleas that the drops/collars don't affect...

  • mred2u
    Them are some pissed off cats... lol
  • JKingOff
    Cats are evil and should be bathed in fire.
  • TravelerNikki00
    Cats are great weapon.
  • Lionboy79
    Interesting aspects!
  • wildbilly123
    Interesting
  • Anonymous
    Best way I have found😁
    • Hopefully you don't do this to a smaller cat because those siphon toilets can suck down some big things.

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