How do you process loss/grief?

Question

I got woken up at 1:49am to the news that one of my best friends, my ex, my soulmate had passed and I still don't think I'm fully processing it. He just called me Saturday morning. I was in the middle of something so I told myself that I was gonna return the call. I forgot. That was Saturday. And today he's gone. I think I'm on shock. I've loved him since we were 15 years old. He can't just be gone. What the fuck do I do now? My heart is literally shattered.

KennethNoisewater · Accepted Answer

Well , I hate sharing my technique with getting past times like these. Not because I don't want you to feel pain or sorrow but because I know what your going through and it's miserable. Most of my 20s have been getting over the loss of someone close to me. It almost sounds like a fictional story when I tell people about how many and who they were in my life. And not a single death left in pairs. It's been less than enjoyable and I cringe when I hear or see someone who lost someone close. It's extremely heartbreaking.

To answer your question isn't fun either. I wish I had a way to get you to the end of the pain. I wish I had a fast-forward button for you. I wish I could take the pain your feeling right now and suffer for you so you don't have to do it. Unfortunately there is no easy or quick way to get over this. The thing that cures a broken heart in any degree is time. Time will heal what you are feeling but time will seem a little slow for a little bit. You just need to hang in there. I believe in you.

I've had plenty of opportunities to try and figure out any combo of life to help this process but you just got to keep your head right. Don't get off track. Keep your nose down and your chin up. Surround yourself with good people and if you need help with something ask one of them for help.

I am a firm believer in doing whatever extra curricular activities. Do what you got to do to feel good in life. Everything in life revolves around moderation. And that's key. UNLESS you're GOING THROUGH WHAT YOUR GOING THROUGH. This is the worst time to try and balance yourself self medicating. I don't drink a drop of alcohol during those times. I won't smoke. Nothing. It is the easiest time to spiral out of control. I don't know your habits like that but I beg you to take a break for a little bit if you do partake.

I wish I could do more for you. If things get super heavy on you, feel free to shoot me a message at anytime. I'm rooting for you. Keep your nose down. And your chin up

TheSpaceGnome · Accepted Answer

You don't proccess grief, you suffer from it until you get so frustrated that you distract yourself to try to not think about it, and eventually, doing that over a span of years, the memories fade, the grief fades, and it just kind of goes away on its own.

Afterwards, you rarely might have a moment of grief once a year or two, but then after that happens several times, it's completely gone, and you are at peace again.

Granted, if he was your ex, saying he is your soulmate is locking your mind into a corner of "no one else is right for me" and thats unhealthy. He is your ex, so logically, he wasn't the right fit, and you need to keep the mindset that you will find someone who is right for you, and when you do, you will feel a lot better.

That said, grief over losing a friend is normal, and can hurt just as much, and you are going to feel "what if i just did this while he was still here" type of regrets, but don't do that to yourself, you did nothing wrong, you can't predict everything, and no one should have that kind of weight on their shoulders.

DarkCarousel · Accepted Answer

I’m so sorry for your loss. Take it day by day. Tomorrow, just tell yourself that all you have to do it get through the day. Then the next day and so forth. Take time in your day to sit with your grief— it will be painful but the pain will come either way. Take that time to think about the loss and what it means to you. Think about ways you could honor his memory. Plant a tree or something in his name. It would give you something to take care of as well. (When I was dealing with grief, I was taking care of a young child and was forced to keep going because it was bath time or dinnertime, etc.)
Acknowledge when you are going to focus on other aspects of your day. Tell yourself— “I need to work on this project for at least 2 hrs.”

When a loss is so big, it’s because the person meant so much. Grief will hit out of nowhere. “Firsts” (birthdays, holidays) are very hard and you’re just trying to get through it— to survive. “Seconds” are harder though because the reality really settles in that the person is gone and not coming back. I don’t say this to be harsh but sugarcoating grief doesn’t help anyone.

Hang in there, delicate heart. Embrace the sun when it does shine on you.

SaoirseS · Accepted Answer

I'm so very sorry for your loss. When it's unexpected or sudden, it's a little tougher to get through - at first - and what you're going through is understandable (and normal).

While there is a trove of information about understanding grief and what we go through, there is unfortunately no scripted or one-size-fits-all solution concerning how to deal with it. Grief is an individual matter, and often unpredictable in ways that sometimes baffle even ourselves.

He clearly meant something to you, so you might consider reflecting on how he affected you positively, and how you became a better person for having known him. Tell his story. Celebrate the life he led. In a way, coping with unexpected death is not unlike a breakup with someone in whom you had an emotional investment. We never forget, and we never really get over it completely, but we learn to cope with it and adjust to life without those who meant something to us. Each day will get better, and you will be fine.

No words of mine can convey it as powerfully as this quote in a MyTake:
Coping With the Loss of a Loved One: The Least You Need to Know - GirlsAskGuys

melanieeeB · Answer

Talking about it helps, journaling is always helpful for me and otherwise going to the funeral and saying your goodbyes. And time helps you to learn to live with it. 🙏🏼 Wish you all the best!

If you need someone to talk to, please know that you can for sure text me

oliversamuel · Answer

Wow, I can't imagine how terrible you must be feeling. I'm so sorry about your friend.

One of my first experiences with intense grief was when I was six years old. I remember playing with a bouncy ball with my older sister when my mom came over and told us that my aunt - her sister - had just been diagnosed with a form of BRCA-related pancreatic cancer (it was a late stage. my mom visited her house every night until she died months later.). I remember just standing there while my sister sobbed against my mom, and feeling sad, but not crying.

Many years later, I realized this: when I experience grief, I go into a period of denial, self blame, and guilt which can continue for a long time. After she died directly after my seventh birthday, I would pinch myself and say it was all my fault and that I never loved her enough or spent enough time with her. I hated myself.

I think that people grieve in so many different ways, but no matter what I think it's important to just feel what you're feeling. In my case, I was taking the blame for something that I had nothing to do with in order to feel a sense of completeness - it's hard to tell a little boy that his aunt died. It doesn't feel complete. But it doesn't have to feel complete, because no matter what, your loved ones will still be there with you.

menina · Answer

I'm really sorry to hear this. May he rest in peace.
I lost a dear friend in July 2021 who could have been much more than. It still doesn't feel real and it hurts so much. I miss him every day and I'm always wondering why he died so soon.
Give yourself time to process everything, to cry, to be sad and if you have someone to talk with please talk to them. One of the worst things that you can do now is keeping everything to yourself. Speak to a grief advisor or join a grief group if you can. You can also be with people who knew him and loved him like you did/do.
Just remember that he will always be with you and your love for him is eternal even if you can't see him.

ChrisMaster69 · Answer

Really sorry for your loss, been there a few times.

You are right it’s a lot of that initial shock and denial, yes guilt at not doing xyz.

Its pretty much the same for everyone.

A lot is down to acceptance and giving yourself time and space to grieve in your own way, it’s what works for you.

I find remembering them works well, all the fun things, all the crap things, just put them there and remember.

Then let your grief flow and accept they are gone.

I tend to remember fallen friends on New Year’s Eve, however whatever works for you.

again, really sorry for your loss.

@SaoirseS comments?

t_time · Answer

I know what you're going through. One of my ex's died. We were broken up by that time but we still we're friends. You have to forgive yourself for the times where you were too busy or you Simply forgot to call back. its life, it happens. I'm sure if he didn't end up passing away you would be thinking twice of it. There is absolutely no way predict this kind of thing happening. You got to think too. How many times in his life has he done that. You're not doing it on purpose it's just like I said life. do not blame yourself. Surround yourself with family and friends to help get you through this. Only when your ready

Kaneki05 · Answer

To get perfection to only lose it, the wicked joke of life.
Never have been in that situation so haven't a clue. My dad's side Great Grandad died, same for my great grandma on my mum's side but these deaths to me were more like their old I didn't expect nothing less I was waiting and already knew it was coming. And while I liked them I don't think I ever had that connection of love to anyone in my family.
So I just feel indifferent when they die.
Honestly I feel more sadden and empathy towards you than I do from their deaths which I dunno what that say's really.

Preston_Tatum · Answer

This is the best that I can offer. I went through a divorce in 2014 and it took a This is the best that I can offer. I went through a divorce in 2014 and it took 2 1/2 to 3 years to get over it. Hope it helps.
You have to go places that you guys did not go together. You have to establish new memories in new places. I would say don’t dwell on past mistakes but I do that sometimes. If there is anything that you need to say symbolically, then do so. Ask the Lord for peace and he will do so. Scripture says you do not have because you do not ask, but if you ask with wrong intentions you still will not have it. That passage is found in the book of James. The best I can say along with those two is to take one day at a time. Some days Will feel easier and others won’t. But you will make it through. Time heals everything, time shows everything. Just do your best and even in times that it doesn’t feel it, always remember and NEVER forget; Gods grace is enough.

Razp_Sorbet · Answer

Not a week goes by that I don't think of my friend who passed in December. I spent a lot of time with family, I think it helped in a way that they were grieving his loss too. Seeing how many people cared about him helped too. Now when I'm driving around town and see an old American car the first thing I do is look for a heart on the back to see if they knew him (everyone with an American vintage car who attended the funeral was given a red heart vinyl sticker with "RIP FOMO" on it) so it's on everyone's cars now, which is like a piece of him is everywhere. It takes time to process, honestly some days are really hard and others are barrable. But it does get easier.

nik4play · Answer

You'll never get over it, all you can do is manage the pain. It does get easier and you learn to live with it, but the pain is always there, I lost both parents at a young age, I never thought I'd ever cope, but here I am 20yrs later, but you need to process it yourself in your way, we are so individual, what works for one, won't always work for another. You need to focus on the good times, the laughs, and cherish those. Your soul mate would not wish you to suffer. Bless you and you'll get there.

megabamse · Answer

Well, at first you just feel. What ever feeling that comes to you. Let it. Don't try and push it down. Cry, be angry, be sad, laugh, do what ever you need to get it all out. You will hear all sorts of advice, but take your time. Get busy, workout, do something that disteact you. Talk to your friends, talk to a grive conselur. You will at some point get used to it. The pain will at some point get better. But there will be days, even years from now where you still get sad thinking about it. But the good days between will be longer and longer.

TransAm85 · Answer

I've lost a lot of loved ones and friends in the past 10 years, but my first big loss was my Grandpa when I was 16. U grieve and then u have to accept they are gone. I became really hard hearted when my Grandpa died since he was the only father figure I had. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

Agape93 · Answer

I'm sorry for your loss lovely.

I handle it 9/10 by giving myself a week or two to grieve. Then come next Samhain, I celebrate their life before saying my goodbyes for good and wishing them well. But one person I care about if he were to die, I'd be gone within the next couple hours.

iamjustaman · Answer

Death is referred to in the scriptures as an enemy for this very reason. We are powerless to stop it. Time will make it easier, as will forging new relationships and strengthening old ones. We all hurt when we lose someone we love. Even Jesus wept at the grave of Lazarus, right before he brought Lazarus back to life. Soon we will be reunited with our dead loved ones. In the meantime, know that God is near to the broken-hearted. Also, you are not alone.

Biya21 · Answer

i was deeply in love with someone who not only mistreated me but he tried to use me to make a girl jealous he was in love with, he talk to me on social media for sometime and then he gave that instagram id to some other guy and for one whole year i was talking to someone else thinking that i am talking to that particular person. he just talked to me for few days to make his girlfriend jealous and i was so much in love with him that it broke me from inside and i became spiritual and religious after that hurt and cheating. he was also very abusive , he use abusive language. it took three years for me to get over that pain. i cried daily for three years. but then i decided to move on.

MickHardin · Answer

(I am no stranger to personal loss.)
Would that person want you to be hurting from their passing, no.
Your friend is telling you now to be strong for his sake, don't add any sorrow to my passing, honor me with your happiness. You know that's what I want you to do, because I love you, too.

TallAnon · Answer

Sorry for your loss.
I don't think there is an answer. Loss doesn't fade, you carry it and absorb it. Grief comes from the feeling of care, don't throw that away, treasure it and their memory. Remember them and listen to your feelings.
I hope that helps, stay strong.

lrina · Answer

i don't have any advice for you, since thankfully i haven't lost a loved one yet (and hopefully won't anytime soon). but i really hope that you'll be able to heal from it fairly soon, and that life will return to normal for you.

AviatorTom · Answer

Accept that everyone grieves in their own way, but everyone hoes through the same steps, as explained here:

DizzyDesii · Answer

Damn i didn't know. Im sorry for your loss. Losing mine is still something i hope to not face anytime soon. I hope you’re okay and may he rest in peace 🙏

DaveToo · Answer

I lost my wife back in 1988. Cancer took less than two months from diagnosis to death. We barely had time to say goodbye. Even after all this time I still expect her to walk into the room or be here when I get home. It takes time, and even then it will be a while before your life will feel normal again.

Guslove · Answer

I’ve had it happen a lot over the years here one minute gone the next you just try and understand that’s part of life does it suck oh yes it does. It will hurt for a long time trust me your friend that passed away wouldn’t want you to be sad but it’s really hard not to. Just take one day at a time if you need someone to talk to I’m a listener..😊

jamesgoldman · Answer

My paternal grandfather I was too young to remember

My maternal grandfather I ended up with a phobia of going downstairs (living in a bungalow probably wasn't a help) so took to doing it backwards also hearses

My maternal grandmother I was too busy dealing with the car crash the f'ed my back up on same day then alcohol, painkillers and solvents *my habits weren't really connected to the passing itself*

My paternal grandmother I just carried on

My antique dealer I own several momentos bought in her shop that I won't part with for love nor money and invaluable conversations engaged in that'll stay with me

The couple of school associates I didn't know that well so as to care too much

cdaniels0330 · Answer

My dear my sincerest condolences on your loss. There's nothing that can make grief pass quickly, it runs its course with everyone different, some people it takes months to others years. Just always keep strong people around you that have your best interest in mind and you'll be fine you seem very smart.
Again sincerest condolences on your loss you must be devastated.

May Karma Smile upon you soon 🌄

Massageman · Answer

Sorry to hear of your loss. First, don't blame yourself. Second, call 1-800- A- FAMILY and speak to a counselor to help you sort things out. They should be able to provide a referral to a local counselor as well. We will pray for you. Good luck.

mb120101 · Answer

Only time can heal your heart I’m very sorry for your loss❤️ At least you know you impacted his life for the positive. I wish you the best, ❤️

Exterminatore · Answer

Reading this nearly made me tear up. I have no advice for you, only to say I’m sorry this happened and you’re going through this. Perhaps seek out therapy if that’s an option.

Zolly99999 · Answer

It is very tough to get over some times.. I lost my soul mate in November of 2021 . And im still struggling.. I try to think of all the happy times we had. . I still have a few cries.. but I think each day it gets a tiny bit easier...

AvaOneLasTime · Answer

I am so sorry... Condolences...  There isn't an advice good enough I can give you...

Jmz123 · Answer

I guess there isn’t a specific way to process grief as it is different for everyone. Some people don’t grieve and try to get on with their lives as a way to avoid emotions. Some people grieve so badly that they can’t get out of bed. I guess it depends on the individual and how they handle it. If you think you’re struggling, I suggest talking to someone and getting help

Sour-rose · Answer

Let the emotions do their thing. Eventually, they'll stop and you'll get on with life.

My dog just left me like a year ago and the emotions came. And he was the only one. Two people of my family that I kinda knew died... and there was no grief for neither of them. So emotions will do waht they do.

RebeccaBI2000 · Answer

I usually bury myself in work and find myself going to the gun range. Taking the pain out on the range helps a lot for me

DermalPunch · Answer

I usually get really numb and happy right away. It's our psyches natural defense mechanism. The once that wears off, I get weak and breathless like I am about to die. Sob uncontrollably and force myself to eat. After that I will make tons of art and just brace myself for the ever lessening waves of despair.

leestella1999 · Answer

I mediate and go our mix around with people. I will learn to move on slowly and on off. Then slowly join society and be a strong will. Learn new skills in community or do a part business on arts. Maybe take a skill up.

boggboss · Answer

You mourn the loss then get back to life its super shitty putting it that way but thats literally all u can do

xJayleenx · Answer

I cry a lot and tend to freeze more often. I’m sorry about your loss :(

England4eva · Answer

I am so sorry. Grief is something that cannot be sped up, it takes time to get over.

Jessegirl1998 · Answer

Get together friends with drinks and tell stories about the person.

LilBrazyBaby · Answer

He's in a better place and ain't suffering anymore so you should think about that you know what I'm saying I mean it might hurt you're always going to love him or this or that but if he passed away you know you can't do nothing about that

motownplayer2000 · Answer

I would make an appointment with a therapist. If you realize you aren’t handling it well. That will help

Selena1987 · Answer

sorry for your loss The universe is so great and there are many guys suitable for you He is gone and you’re alive Try to forget him and continue and enjoy your life

johnnygodeep · Answer

Poorly, I process it deeply and with much debilitating grief.

Anonymous · Answer

I don't. I don't care when someone dies. I also don't develope emotional attachments to anyone, we are only here temporary and everyone you know will either eventually abandon you or die... It's dumb to develope an attachment to anyone

princeofromance · Answer

I do not process it very well. I can tell you that much.

katiesmuff · Answer

It can take a very long time to process and get back to normal again

TDTD123 · Answer

I embrace it as much as possible for reality to really hit, cry and then mourn. That way the full experience will give your whole self to it and you can continue with life.

Iwantcowsandgoats · Answer

As a Christian know that God has their place.

spiralshape · Answer

Read an inspirational quote by a celebrity or scientist. Einstein for example

Creampiekarl420 · Answer

High intensity strength and endurance training it works every time

collie22 · Answer

i still cry , Jesus helped me with my mom passing

douride2 · Answer

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Stay strong.

Neilbud · Answer

Time is the healer of all wounds.

Jamie05rhs · Answer

I am so sorry. 😥

FreyaRed · Answer

I play down their importance for my life.

arshiaseddiqi · Answer

cry it is the best way

brezzybaby · Answer

I don't process either very well. Nn

noohair · Answer

What happened, accident?

OddBeMe · Answer

What happened to him?

Prg11 · Answer

What's your ethnicity?

Kurdistan1991 · Answer

By praying to Allah and taking refuge in Allah.

ivyjuniper21 · Answer

I dont

How do you process loss/grief?

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How do you process loss/grief?

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