How do you put up with toxic mother?

[Rose00]

My mom ever since High School, I realize my mom is toxic. I don’t like to talk bad about my mom. But she is negative, she acts immature and she can be controlling. I’m actually 23 I’m in my last year of College my 5th year. I’m the youngest in my family, but she still treats me like I’m a teenager. She gets mad when I spend my own money and she compares me to my other friends. She is small minded and doesn’t understand me. She likes my sister more than me it’s been like that. When my mom talks to me she gets mad and starts being out of control. Like today I was was talking to her and I told her I wasn’t going to do something bc I have work to do. She just got mad and walked away. I mean she not entirely bad. But a lot of times she doesn’t make me feel good or she doesn’t understand that her words hurt me. She wonders why I never tell anything bc we can’t have normal conversations without her judgement and what she has to say to me. I think she is against me she like an enemy. I don’t know why she that way.

[NitroExpress]

Your mother does not see you as an actual person, with thoughts, emotions and free will. She sees you as an 'object', one that is malleable to her will and that she has full ownership over.

When you try to express yourself in a way she disapproves of, she gets upset because you're shattering that image.

There are very few ways to deal with an emotionally immature parent.

Opening up a dialogue isn't likely to work. Emotionally immature parents have the emotional processing capabilities of a child, they cannot see any perspective other than their own, and they are unwilling to admit to any intentional wrongdoing, emphasis on intentional as they might vaguely admit to having made 'mistakes' in the past, without ever clarifying what those are. It's how they avoid seeing themselves as a bad person, and prevent their egos from collapsing. Still, you can always try if you like.

My suggestion is to establish intransigent boundaries with her: decide exactly what sorts of consequences her actions deserve, and use those consequences everytime she behaves in the ways you've described, until she learns to treat you better. Now that can mean anything you want, maybe everytime she's bad to you, you'll stop talking to her for a day, a week, a month... or something else entirely. The goal here is to shift the balance of power in your relationship. Again, it's a lot like dealing with a child.
Needless to say, I hope, that you should only ever use this strategy as a last resort against toxic people.

My second suggestion is to get your own space, if you haven't already. You can't thrive when you're surrounded by negativity. Take a break from your mom, maybe limit contact with her for a couple weeks, try it out and see how you feel afterwards.

I wish you well, if you have any other questions, feel free to ask.

[Rose00]

I have my own space I’m moving actually bc of work and I’m trying finish up part time school rn. I’m visiting my parents this summer. Also my siblings because I don’t see them that much.

[Sonorous]

Well, I attempt to engage in debates. Debates that turn into arguments because her emotions are very... out of control... Then I usually just end up lecturing her when she tires out. Sometimes I've even had to gray rock her. Give her just enough to keep the peace.

But I imagine how someone should handle it should depend on their goal & the context.

[AmandaYVR]

Do you live with her? Try to create some space from her. You can try having a sit-down with her and be direct but constructive, about how she makes you feel. But it sounds like it's way beyond that and she would not agree and would not care. So at this time in your life, you're entitled to get some space and go and live your own life. But if you're living under her roof, that will be impossible.

[dustybiker]

You don’t really give enough details about interactions to say. But one things stands out. People fight and argue when they care. She might care in a different way than you. But she does love you. If she didn’t you would be free range and you would only get silence on her end. You can work with what you have. You just need to learn how to talk to one another.

[Rangers]

Simple, don't. Move out and never talk to her again, block her number or change your number, protect your personal information so she can never re-establish contact with you.

That's what me and my girlfriend will be doing with most of our family members