How do I set boundaries?

[soulbabe]

My family is toxic my mother being a major roll in my abuse

I moved out a month ago i moved 5 hours away.

As much as I want to hate my mother I can't I want to hete her but I can't despite every bit of hell and pain she gave me I love my mother and I can't stand to hurt her.

I don't care if she visits me but I need her to put the fucking bottle down and I know she can't that bottle has always been more important to her.

I haven't told her Ware I live yet she knows the town but not the address I haven't told her my address because I don't think I'm strong enough to tell my mother to get out of my house when she tries to start something.

She lives 5 hours away if I kick her out she will drive drunk and it's not a few blocks away I don't want to be responsible for my mother dieing in a car accident because I told her to get out

I'm also scared that if she doesn't give up I'll be forced to get a restraining order against her and the thought hurts

She has been texting me recently

""U know what I've never done anything except fight my ass off for u given u everything I ever could I will not bother u again. No worries I won't come visit uY u treat me like this."

I haven't replied to her

I honestly want to vomit and I don't know what to do I just feel so weak

[normalice]

Yeah, only meet her publicly. She obviously wants to continue to control you and it is very important that, above all, you establish a boundary and do not let her get a foothold in it.

The trouble seems to be she doesn't like other people having boundaries so getting a foothold in yours is going to be the one and only thing she'll want to do. But she will never be able to admit to her own soul her real reasons why, so you can expect every grievance it is possible to imagine as she tries.

She is, for all intents and purposes, in a coma. And her zombie is walking around causing trouble. You are waiting for her to wake up but she is trying very hard to stay in that coma. Alcoholism is ultimately just escapism, after all. I don't know what she is escaping from but if you really must perhaps consider introducing her to a different vice? They make THC infused drinks now, for example. Far more calm results that alcohol.

In any case, it is important to guard your boundaries above all. Don't let her make you think that you are destroying your relationship by setting and maintaining those boundaries - she saw no problem with her setting and maintaining her own boundaries or you would have forced her to stop drinking years ago. If she can't handle being told no then she isn't actually there and, sadly, it is time to start the mourning process.

[normalice]

Oh, as to how just hold to not giving out your address. You can get a PO box for mail, if you'd like.
In any case a 5 hour drive is a pretty good boundary, by itself. But it can work both ways - like if she drives all the way to see you and then claims she can't find a hotel. She would put you on the spot for inviting her to your house. Be prepared for that worst case scenario. Absolutely do not meet her if she shows up until you have confirmed she is staying somewhere else.

And also absolutely do not go back home. You have a clean break, here. But that means both the good and bad is behind you. You can't pick put the good bits. In all the cases of people who have managed to remove themselves from a bad situation, going back for even an instant has never once worked out in their favor. I don't care if you have a billion dollars buried in your back yard. It's gone now. Stay out.

[normalice]

Oh, also keep in mind that if your whole situation was bad that your mother is also a product of that situation just as much as a contributor. If she does visit it's possible she might be able to shed all that, too. But it's not likely. I don't want to get your hopes up. Start with mourning her. Then it can just be a nice surprise if she wakes up again. You have outgrown her now and that's not the way it's supposed to be. All possible roles of a mother require that she is more mature than her children. And that simply isn't the case, so you don't have a mother. Addiction has stunted her mental growth. What you have is more of a sibling - albeit and older sibling. It is up to you to decide if you actually want a sibling.

[abc3643]

Reply to her with something like this:

"Mom, right now, I just need to take a break and sort of my life in my new home. I don't hate you or anything like that, but, right now, I need to concentrate on me and getting my life stabilized. When that happens, I will be fine talking with you more regularly. But, again, right now, I need a break from my old home so I can concentrate on my new life in my new home. Please respect that and I will call home every now and then so we can see how each other is doing. I still love you, _________."

[abc3643]

*
"Mom, right now, I just need to take a break and sort OUT my life in my new home..."

[soulbabe]

Well that unfortunately would go horribly

[abc3643]

It doesn't matter. You need to assert your adulthood.
You live 5 hours away which is a good safe distance.
She won't be visiting you that much because that will cost money in travel costs and time which she will need for other things.

Worse comes to worse, file a restraining order against your mother, then she can't visit you or call you or text you.

[soulbabe]

You are incorrect my mother is a contract nurse she can go anywhere she wants she can get a job a near by hospital if she really wants

[abc3643]

So, she doesn't have a home to keep?

Look: Time to grow-up. Either you let your mother be in your life or not. If not and you want to ensure that, then you get a restraining order. If she violates it, then she practices nursing in prison.

[dustybiker2]

It's the alcoholism you hate not your mother. Your mother is the part of the disease which is so desperately trying to keep in touch with you. Love your mother, not the disease. I hope things get better for you and your mother gets some help. Be safe.

[soulbabe]

It's a lot more than a alcoholic she is crazy to begin with the alcohol just makes it worse

[dustybiker2]

I'm sure. But she shows she's in there trying to care.

[rosemilk]

tell her the truth of why you will be cutting contact. and tell her everything she did and how she made you feel. and then just go once everything was explained. i mean, you live 5 hours away now, you'll be okay.

[soulbabe]

Telling my mother anything wouldn't change anything in her mind she wouldn't even hear the words honestly.

Also she is a contract nurse the five hours isn't as safe of a distance as you would think

[rosemilk]

okay, if you can't tell your mom anything and it wouldn't change anything, how are you going to set boundaries? your question negates itself then.

[soulbabe]

Im probably just going to tell her if she wants to drink she will have to stay at a hotel

[rosemilk]

that's a good start

[Lynx122]

You're doing it right now. No boundaries can be set unless you're willing to have a confrontation over them or just walk away from the other person. That's the hard part that's why people struggle with it because they can't enforce it. But you're setting a boundary by not telling her where you live which is probably smart since you might not have the strength later if she comes to visit you to tell her no. But often setting boundaries can be painful but it could spare you a lot more pain later on. You should be able to feel safe in your own home so I think it's good to not invite chaos and trouble in.

[Agape93]

You have to be firm. Set a boundary, if they violate it, tell them that was the only warning. Do it again and you'll be cut out of my life. If they do it again, cut em out without warning and don't go back on it.

[NathanDavis]

directly and clearly

and then actually have them

[Jennz6]

Must suck to be you, sorry

[soulbabe]

Being me has never been a good thing