What does it mean when a guy friend constantly tries to define the relationship?

[Anonymous]

Does he think I secretly like him or something? I have a guy friend who I was close to a few years ago. When drunk or feeling good, he would say things like 'I can see us getting married or being best friends down the line' or 'this is how our future children would be'. Well nothing happened, he started talking about other random girls to me (then start jokingly accusing me of being jealous) and we drifted apart.

We still kept in contact but not as much as before (say once a month) and that's when he switched his tone to comparing me to his sister (he doesn't have any real sisters). Again he kept defining us without me asking or even flirting. Instead he would send cheesy love songs to me randomly then tell his friends that I am like a sister so they better not flirt with me.

Now he shifted again. He would compliment me ("You're lookin' smokin'!") I would say thank you then drop the subject. It's a compliment, nothing more than that. But then he'd be like "I love our new relationship. I'm like your gay best friend!" New relationship? Gay best friend? Wha? And when I asked about his friend, he asked if I was interested. I said 'why? jealous?', I was teasing since that's how he teased me about those previous girls. He replied with 'Hardly. I have someone'. But...I was just teasing! Like he did! Why take it so serious?!

So I'm confused. Why would a guy keep defining our relationship? Its not like I am constantly messaging him or flirting with him; in fact he is the one who would send me random 80s love songs or text me that I'm looking good. I don't get it. Any idea?

[islands7]

Defining a relationship - as constantly as this

smacks of

Insecurity

Dream land fantasies

and eventually

locking the other person into a formal deal, similar to "going steady", engagement, friends for life, eventually marriage, etc. All of which have rules, some sort of commitment, a future, expectations.

You have to decide if you want the same things before you can play this game.

The way he's playing it may be confusing, in that he conceals his motives and will continue to do so until you show signs of acceptance in further defining "it".

[MrOracle]

This guy simply has no idea how to close the deal. He's unwilling to risk rejection, despite the fact that you've let him make all of these suggestive "definitions" of your relationship without correcting him, as you would if you didn't have any interest in him. He's waiting for a more direct sign from you that you ARE interested, because he's unwilling to take any risk. He needs to learn the motto of the British SAS (elite special forces):

"Who dares, wins."

I agree; he's still a boy, and not yet a man. That's all too common today.

[stubbsy]

Its because he likes you, he thinks that because your close, he's in for a chance, so he's testing the water and bringing up scenarios of you and him together, just to see your reaction, but obviously not reading them correctly, so this is a crush he has on you, and his mates will have to know that your a no go zone because he's trying, but puts it as the sister thing, so really, he's gonna be around for as long as it takes, a little like forest gump really,x

[Asker]

Admittedly, during the second scenario, when he compared me to his sister to his friends and told them to stop flirting with me, I started dating one of them a week later. I just don't want to be on his backburner. If he isn't snatching me up then he better realize someone else will. I know it is horrible of me but I am guessing that I burned that bridge by dating his friend for a few weeks, didn't I? Is that why he answered that way when I asked about his other friend?

[Asker]

When I asked about his other friend, I asked because I thought I saw him at a mall; turns out it wasn't his friend. But when I did ask him ('did your friend go to so-and-so mall') his first instinct was to reply 'why? are you interested?')

[stubbsy]

He is very interested in you but has no balls to come out and say it, and everyone your interested in, he will want to know about, he might not do anything, but he will want to make sure they treat you right, but he can't bring himself to express his feelings for you, this guy really likes you, unless he is gay, then he is just confused and over protective,x

[bonedust]

He might have feelings for you and is just completely oblivious when it comes to expressing interest. He still has feelings for you if you had anything.

[Asker]

You really think so? I figured I shut that door when I dated his friend for a few weeks, which is why he got all weird when I asked him about another friend. ;P

I do have something, at least I think I do, but I also need a bit more respect from him.

[Anonymous]

Shame. Sounds like if this guy would man up with the balls to actually just ask you out, you might be interested.

Instead, he just beats around the bush hoping that you'll do something. Silly, stupid man.

[Asker]

I completely agree. It is a shame. And its not like I haven't tried...but nope he's a kid. Not ready for a real woman yet I guess.

[Anonymous]

Guys who are "friends" with a girl, often secretly like the girl. And as a result, project their feelings on to her.

It sounds like he's gotten over you, but still has residual feelings - enough that it's a sort point if you try to joke about it.

[Asker]

That's a shame. Something would have happened if he actually said something. Instead he tried to get a rise out of me by telling me about he crushes on all of those random girls (that he never mentioned again after the first time) so I backed off. And the person that did ask me out (his friend) actually succeeded in 'getting' me. I had a sense that my guy friend was keeping me as a back burner, which is not something I tolerate.