How do you define love? How do you know if you are in love? There are as many ways to answer this question as there are stars in the sky.
Psychologist, Robert Sternberg developed a theory that I believe best explains the many different elements of love. He believed that love is comprised of three main components:
1) Intimacy- Feelings of attachment, closeness and sharing
2) Passion-Intense sexual attraction, desire and enthusiasm
3) Commitment- The decision to remain together
In his own words, "The amount of love one experiences depends on the absolute strength of these three components, and the type of love one experiences depends on their strengths relative to each other."
In other words, different types of love combine two or more of these components in various degrees, which is why everyone experiences and defines love differently. If you take a look at the following diagram you will get a better understanding of Sternberg's theory:
As you can very well see there are seven different types of love according to Sternberg. It is likely that we have all experienced at least one of these. There is also Non-Love, which we encounter most often in our casual friendships and acquiantences; this is a lack of all three components of love. Now, let's delve a little deeper into each of the seven types shown on the pyramid.
Liking- Friendship falls under this category. You feel close to your friends (intimacy), but there is no passion nor a sense of commitment.
Infatuation- This is where romantic love usually gets its start. You are sexually attracted to another, but there is no intimacy or comitmment. You could also place one night stands in this category.
Empty Love- This is where romance goes to die. You feel a sense of comitmment to another, but the intimacy and passion has fizzled out or was never there to begin with.
Romantic Love- As you can see, romantic love involves both feelings of intimacy and passion. When you love someone romantically, you feel connected to them on both an emotional and physical/sexual level, but you are not necessarily commited to one another.
Fatuous Love- Combines passion and commitment (odd combination, if you ask me). This best describes whirlwind marriages. You meet someone, feel an extreme passion for that person, but do not take the time to get to know them on an intimate level before making a commitment to them. This type of relationship is not likely to last, because once the passion has faded there is no intimacy to sustain it.
Companionate Love- A duo of intimacy and commitment. You see this type of love in marriages where the passion has fizzled out, but you still feel bonded and commited to one another. It can also describe the relationship between two very close friends and the type of love between some family members.
Consummate Love- When all three components are present: intimacy, passion and commitment. This is the type of love most people strive for, but is difficult to achieve. This is a complete love and represents what most would see as the ideal relationship. Couples who have this type of love will work to sustain it because they know how very precious and rare it is. That is not to say that this type of love is permanent. If any of the three components fade, the love fades with it. So, as difficult as it may be to achieve, it may be even more difficult to maintain.
As Sternberg himself cautions, "Without expression, even the greatest of loves can die."
So, no matter where your love falls on the triangle take time this Valentine's Day to express that love.
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