This isn’t the first post about friends feeling forgotten when someone gets a new beau and it certainly won’t be the last, so I decided to put my own two cents in.
I’m currently going through this with one of my friends now. We’ve known each other for three years and we got close last year. We supported each other: she was going through roommate drama and I was at a low point and needed someone. We talked for the whole summer and I was excited to come back to school in August to see her. We don’t live with each other but made time to hang out. Then she got her new boyfriend and POOF – I haven’t seen her since. It’s been about six months now. We barely talk; anything I know about her life is from social media. When we do talk it’s like old times again but the conversations rarely last long and are far and few between.
I’m happy for her. Very happy in fact. She hadn’t been with anyone in years and after some really bad moments with a guy she was talking to, she finally got with a guy from her hometown. This is exciting for her and I’m glad she finally found someone she could connect with. BUT….
I’m also sad and very upset with her. We’ve made many plans to go out or just chill and every time she doesn’t go through. Just last night she wanted to see me but later told me she was sick. She was with him. She wanted to reschedule for today and I said sure but I haven’t heard from her since. If you’d rather hang out with him then that’s fine, I understand – but tell me that instead of not replying or coming up with an excuse.
I know I sound like a raging b****, but my feelings are actually hurt. I haven’t seen this girl in months and I was excited to finally get some time with her. I don’t know when I’m going to hear from her or get the opportunity to see her again and I think that’s what hurts the most.
I pretty sure some of you have been in this position before. Most of the time the other person doesn’t know how you’re feeling and you don’t want to spoil their happiness because you’re hurting. But sometimes enough is enough. It’s time to get our feelings our there.
People, relationships are great. But completely ditching your friends is not. This argument has been made so many times yet it’s a valid one. So to all of you out there that have been cutting your friends out of lives, here’s a few things from someone whose been feeling left behind:
We are happy for you.
Don’t think for a second that we’re not. We know we’re not going to see you as much during the honeymoon phase and that’s perfectly normal. You have someone new in your life that’s very important to you and we do understand. It’s definitely an adjustment for us but nothing we can’t handle. We’ve been here for you before the relationship. We’re here to support you and help you grow. That’s what friends are for right?
Make time for us.
That being said, don’t completely forget about us. The new relationship excuse gets old. Shoot us a text. Call us some time. Do the things we used to do when we hung out. We’re not trying to tear you away from your boo, we just miss you and we want to see you. If we have to set aside a day sometime in the future that’s cool too. But don’t make it as if you have to find time to schedule us in. Honestly that sounds awful and we might be turned off if it’s really that big of issue. We don’t want to feel like we’re second choice. BUT…
If you want to spend all your time with your SO, we understand.
Just don’t expect us to be there. Not for the hard stuff, the happy stuff, any of it. That sounds b****y, but it’s true. It’s not fair to expect us to be when we haven’t heard from you in what feels like forever. I’ve had plenty of people tell me that these things happen and I need accept that things may not be the same. I get that. I’ve also had people tell me that if I care about my friend then I’m going to be there no matter what. That I definitely don’t agree with. A friendship, just like a relationship, goes both ways. We’re going to be there to listen and rant and rave with you. We’re going to keep initiating contact and attempting to make plans. But expecting us to always be there when we’re not getting the same effort in return is BS. There were times when we needed you but you weren’t there and you didn’t try to be and we’re going to remember that. We’re not going to be waiting around forever and we’re not going to be there to pick up the pieces when you finally feel like you’re ready; we’re eventually going to move on and find new friends. We don’t hate you. We just needed to find our way to deal with the situation.
Understand and respect our feelings.
If it gets to the point that we approach you and tell you that we feel like you completely dropped us, DO NOT tell us it’s nothing. Do NOT tell us to get over ourselves. Our issues are real too. The way we feel isn’t coming out of the blue. More than likely we’ve been feeling like this for a while and finally had the courage to say something. Instead of immediately getting offended listen and try to understand why we’re feeling the way we are. This one conversation could reveal so many feelings and get misunderstandings out of the way and hopefully bring us back together.
I don’t think anyone is a bad person, and maybe I don’t understand because I haven’t been in a serious relationship before. But I do know that you don’t forget the people who have been there for everything. We get you’re in love and enjoying it but don’t use that as an excuse for being a crappy friend.
What Girls & Guys Said
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2Opinion
Awesome, I hope people read this. A friend did this to me and his friends who I didn't really know. End result, I lost 1 friend and gained 3. Then he tried to hang out again later. Too late my friend, damage done.
My best friend. I've know him for 6 years. We hang out every Friday. No girl can take that away. If I got a girlfriend after a while I'd introduce them to each other. I can balance both.