“Can men and women be ‘just friends’?” is an age-old question, but I’m here to answer it for you. If you aren’t interested in reading too much, I’ll save you the effort - the answer is NO! Most guys know this, but most girls don’t seem to.
Before you disagree, though, we must agree on some definitions and situations, and we must acknowledge that every rule has the occasional exception. Yes, exceptions exist, but they’re rare, and thus we’re talking about the RULE - what is, by far, the most likely outcome.
Most women don’t have a lot of trouble being “just friends” with guys, and so women frequently answer this question with “of COURSE men and women can be ‘just friends’” - but they’re wrong. Part of that, again, is agreeing on what we’re really talking about.
A “friend” is someone you CHOOSE to have a close relationship with and spend a lot of time with. We aren’t talking about colleagues, your buddy’s girlfriend, children of your parents’ good friends, etc. In other words, these aren’t people you see because someone else has paired you up on occasion - these are people you go out of your way to see and spend time with.
A “JUST friend” is someone you have a close friendship with, who does NOT have any desire to have a romantic or sexual relationship with you. Notice I said DESIRE, because the presence of desire is enough to completely change the nature of the relationship - you don’t have to take overt action, such as asking the other “friend” out, in order for desire to affect the friendship.
And when we say “men”, we’re talking about men who are straight (or, perhaps bisexual) and single (or not above cheating on their SO). Men in a happy, monogamous relationship already could potentially be “just friends” with women - but in practice, it’s pretty rare. And some of these things may also apply to homosexual relationships too, but we’re focusing on heteros here.
Okay, so we all understand the kind of relationships we’re talking about, right? Right. So, here’s a major difference in how men and women work:
Both men and women look at (singles of the) the opposite sex that we meet in the world, and we put them into 3 main “relationship” categories. For men and women both, the first and last categories are the same, but the middle one is vastly different.
Women put men into one of these three categories:
1. Men I’m very attracted to/have feelings for/want to be in a relationship with. (This is a very small percentage of single men, perhaps 3-5% max.)
2. Men I don’t have feelings for, but who are interesting in some way and so I’d like to potentially be “just friends” with them and have them as a resource and source of attention. (This is roughly half of all guys - we’ll call it 45-47%.)
3. Men I have no attraction to of any kind, and thus have no interest in whatsoever. (50% of men.)
Men put women into one of these three categories:
1. Women I’m very attracted to/have feelings for/want to be in a relationship with. (This is a very small percentage of single men, perhaps 3-5% max.)
2. Women I don’t have feelings for, but I find physically attractive, and thus would like to have sex with. (This is roughly half of all girls - we’ll call it 45-47%.)
3. Women I have no attraction to of any kind, and thus have no interest in whatsoever. (50% of women.)
As you can see, that middle category is VERY different between men and women. But WHY?
It’s pretty simple: in each case, the desire matches perfectly with what is most advantageous for that person.
Women, as a rule, aren’t interested in casual sex - most may make a very RARE exception for a super, ultra-hot guy or a guy with gobs of charisma that all her friends like too, but otherwise, girls are only interested in sex once they’ve already established an EMOTIONAL CONNECTION with a man. But women are still very much interested in male attention, and in having men available to listen to her problems, give her emotional support, and to help with physical work. So, being “just friends” with guys gives her a number of advantages and benefits, and hardly any downside.
Men, as a rule, aren’t interested in being “just friends” - because there is little-to-no upside for a man to be “just friends” with women from a man’s point of view. We already fix our own cars, take out our own garbage, work on our own houses, open our own pickle jars, and when we’re in a relationship, have our own women’s problems to listen to. Most women don’t bring much if anything to the table as “just a friend” from a man’s perspective, but there is lots of effort and obligation that comes with that package.
And when a man is single, his #2 priority (just after physical survival) is HAVING SEX. When we’re single and not having sex, the most important thing - the thing that drives us - is HAVING SEX. Sure, we have other priorities too, but they’re lower on the list, and we can’t give them our full attention if we aren’t having sex. Men are also different from women in that we don’t NEED to have an emotional connection to have sex or to enjoy it. Sure, sex WITH emotions is better - much like food with spices is better than plain food - but no guy wants to starve to death waiting for spiced food. We’ll always prefer SOME sex over no sex at all, even if it’s not ideal. That’s because sex is a lot higher on men’s priority list then on women’s - for women, their top priority after survival is an EMOTIONAL CONNECTION - very different from men. (I should also mention here that some guys ARE hoping for a relationship/emotional connection from his “friend” too - but that’s less common.)
So, how does this affect “friendships”? Simple: women, every one of your male “friends” wants to have sex with you. Some also have feelings for you and would like a romantic relationship. They may not overtly act on it, and they may deny it when asked, and they may (rarely) even turn down sex if offered (if they know there will be other consequences), but in almost every case, it’s true. And, believe me, that desire greatly affects your relationship!
“But that’s crazy!” you say? Yeah, it kind of is. A lot of men - the kind that aren’t already getting laid - will go against their instincts and become “just friends” with one or several women, and spend time with them and give them attention and do favors for them, all in the (usually vain) hope that she’ll suddenly realize “hey, he’s a great guy - maybe I’ll sleep with him today!” Of course that almost never happens, but the HOPE keeps things alive. And, as shameful as it is to admit it, some guys, so desperate for sex, will also stay in a “friendship” on the off-chance that she’ll break up with her boyfriend, or otherwise have a hard time emotionally, and seek “comfort” and validation from him that he can turn into a sexual encounter - and THAT happens more often than anyone would like to admit (but still not that often).
What, you don’t believe any of this? Well, I have a simple test that you can use to see if it applies to YOUR friendships. Ladies, tell your “guy friends” that, while you value his friendship, things will NEVER, EVER go further. Essentially, kill all hope of sex or a romantic relationship.
In most cases, what will happen is that your male “friend” will start to fade out of your life. Why? Because for him, it was never about being “just friends”, it was about getting laid (and much less often, about getting a girlfriend). Once you kill that hope completely, most men are going to realize that the hopes that kept them in the relationship are gone, and they no longer have interest in what’s left.
That sounds cold and awful - and it kind of is - but it’s the TRUTH, and women especially need to be aware that this truth exists, or she’s going to have the wrong perception of what her “just friends” relationships actually are - and she’ll say things like “sure, men and women can be just friends!” Sadly, that’s just not the truth.
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I can see how this works with the average basement dweller who doesn’t get a whole lot of contact with women in general, but this does not apply to 99% of the guys I know personally.
I’ve been friends with, and still am friends with, plenty of guys. During our friendship they’ve gotten in and out of their own relationships, and so have I. Sometimes I’ve even given them advice on how to get the girl they want. I matched two of my friends together, and they’ve been in a relationship for several years now.
We’ve hung out at school in groups, been to parties, hung out one on one, texted and called each other. Not once have any of them tried to make a move or express any sort of attraction. Neither have I. This is also the case with my brother, and his group of friends that consist of both girls and guys. My parents also have a massive group of friends, all of which are either married or single. It totally works.
So I dunno if this is just an American thing but where I’m from, it’s the norm to have friends of the opposite sex and to not just see them as a potential partner or person to fuck. We’re capable of seeing each other as just friends, and to really value these friendships for what they are.
So. I completely disagree. Everywhere around me I see working friendships between people of the opposite sex. Does that mean that it works all the time? Of course not. Sometimes feelings do get in the way of friendships. But in my experience, majority of the time it works. And I’m not just saying that because I’m a woman who doesn’t ”get it”, and the guys around me apparently disagree and just hide it.
Yeah the my take is basically bs.
"Not once have any of them tried to make a move or express any sort of attraction."
As I clearly explained, that's irrelevant. MOST of the time, the guy makes no move nor does he express any overt attraction. That's the whole POINT of this take: women believe that in the absence of these actions, a man must not have sexual attraction to her. But that's usually not the case.
I don’t think you quite understand how my guy friends work. Like I already said, they’ve been in and out of relationships with other girls. I even matched one of my guy friends with one of my girl friends. Had they been attracted to me at any point, I’d have known.
You should ask them. I'm not saying it's impossible that they weren't attracted to you - rather, I'm saying that there's a good chance that, despite everything you think you know, you might be surprised. Maybe they're exceptions, and maybe not.
We’ve already talked about attraction and stuff, and they always mention other girls (who are not even in our group of friends). We’re pretty close so they wouldn’t have a hard time telling me if they had any sort of feelings. But we’ve always seen each other more as siblings.
i have female friends who are straight like me buy neither of us have even the slightest bit of attraction towards each other
Lumos, swnd all your guy friends a text "wanna fuck?" and see how many "yes" texts you recieve,,, including "at what time?" " your place or mine?" etc. You will find out op was right
@lord_chilled pretty sure all of them would laugh and ask if I was high. We just aren’t like that.
Well what if you tell them that you aren't high. What would their response be?
You say " we" aren't like that, since you know 'you' aren't like that but you can't completely know whats on other peoples minds.
Friends or not , a man is a man. And you can't change male nature, they can fight it, or hide it, but no one can get rid of it.
I think you make a good argument, but you do sound a bit naive about guys. We hide a lot of our desires because we know they aren't acceptable in polite society.
@lord_chilled you have quite a negative outlook on men, which is funny considering that *I* have been called a manhater on here loads of times. Some of these guys I’ve literally known for like 10+ years, and they’ve told me that I’m like a sister to them. And even if some of them do want to fuck me, according to you, then so fucking what lol? We’re still friends and have been for several years without that somehow getting in the way of things. If attraction really was as destructive as MrOracle says, then we wouldn’t have been friends for literally almost half of our lives.
Also I think I know my friends better than some random dude on the internet who claims he knows them, just cause y’all have a penis.
@HikerDude sorry but nobody, man or woman, is so good at hiding something so huge for several years. At some point this type of shit starts ripping through the seams.
why would people think your a manhater
Not true. My sex drive is antisocial, which is why most of it is hidden from most people I know. In fact, most people hide their true sexual feelings because they aren't acceptable. They lead to ostracization if revealed in most situations.
"pretty sure all of them would laugh and ask if I was high. We just aren’t like that."
No, you just THINK they're like that. Most girls do - and they're usually wrong.
Seriously, send a text to your guy friends that says. "I'm feeling really lonely and sad - and I haven't had sex is forever. I *really* just need some sex to feel better. Would you be willing, no strings attached?"
Watch how fast you get "sure, I'll be right over" replies.
It isn't a negative outlook. I mean, i am a man. I dont think its a bad thing to want sex. As a man, one of our main drives in life is to have sex. Which makes sense, since reproduction is an important part of life.
And in contrast to girls, oftentimes we have to compete and fight for it. So, i dont necessary think its a bad method for a guy to become friends with a girl , hoping that it may get deeper at some point (which sometimes happens)
It is a bit shady i admit. Personally, i dont do it. But my direct approaches produce much more of a direct yes/no result, with no second chance. And its mostly a no. Being friends would sometimes land you in more of a "safe zone", where they still have to be careful of making a move, but at least they are much more likely to be forgiven as well.
Now i guarantee that every one of your male friends has tought of you sexually at least a couple of times (if he is in fact straight)
Now you ask me if that changes the friendship. Well,
You can still be friends, i mean it has a loose definition, everyone can have their own definition of friendship.
To me, my friends haven't tought of fucking me, and i have never tought of fucking them either.
I also dont have gay/bi friends, so i am sure of the above. So in my opinion, me and these guys have a pure friendship. With no underlying tones of sexual or romantic nature.
To me, this is what friendship is. Now you could still define friendship more loosely, including people that may find you sexually attractive. But then that also blurs the line between friendship amd other kinds of relationships. If you dont have a problem with that i guess its ok. I have a very clear distinction and boundaries regarding different types of relationships. Which is why i dont believe that stariaght man-woman relationships fall under "friendship"
I legit wouldn’t be able to text any of my guys that because I’m in a relationship. They would tell me to cut the crap and talk to my boyfriend.
@lord_chilled that’s ok but to me friendship isn’t so black and white, and I don’t see the possibility of attraction as something that taints a friendship, unless it’s literally so strong that it does ruin it.
Like I’ve already said, I’ve been friends with these guys for so many goddamn years. If they had any feelings whatsoever that could ruin the friendship, it would already have been ruined.
In that case to each their own. Since everyone can personally choose where the boundaries are, regarding friendship, i guess we can both be right. Altough we may not mean exactly the same thing
@Tanisha69 It's mainly a collection of American prejudices.