#justfriends #menandwomenaredifferent
“Can men and women be ‘just friends’?” is an age-old question, but I’m here to answer it for you. If you aren’t interested in reading too much, I’ll save you the effort - the answer is NO! Most guys know this, but most girls don’t seem to.
Before you disagree, though, we must agree on some definitions and situations, and we must acknowledge that every rule has the occasional exception. Yes, exceptions exist, but they’re rare, and thus we’re talking about the RULE - what is, by far, the most likely outcome.
Most women don’t have a lot of trouble being “just friends” with guys, and so women frequently answer this question with “of COURSE men and women can be ‘just friends’” - but they’re wrong. Part of that, again, is agreeing on what we’re really talking about.
A “friend” is someone you CHOOSE to have a close relationship with and spend a lot of time with. We aren’t talking about colleagues, your buddy’s girlfriend, children of your parents’ good friends, etc. In other words, these aren’t people you see because someone else has paired you up on occasion - these are people you go out of your way to see and spend time with.
A “JUST friend” is someone you have a close friendship with, who does NOT have any desire to have a romantic or sexual relationship with you. Notice I said DESIRE, because the presence of desire is enough to completely change the nature of the relationship - you don’t have to take overt action, such as asking the other “friend” out, in order for desire to affect the friendship.
And when we say “men”, we’re talking about men who are straight (or, perhaps bisexual) and single (or not above cheating on their SO). Men in a happy, monogamous relationship already could potentially be “just friends” with women - but in practice, it’s pretty rare. And some of these things may also apply to homosexual relationships too, but we’re focusing on heteros here.
Okay, so we all understand the kind of relationships we’re talking about, right? Right. So, here’s a major difference in how men and women work:
Both men and women look at (singles of the) the opposite sex that we meet in the world, and we put them into 3 main “relationship” categories. For men and women both, the first and last categories are the same, but the middle one is vastly different.
Women put men into one of these three categories:
1. Men I’m very attracted to/have feelings for/want to be in a relationship with. (This is a very small percentage of single men, perhaps 3-5% max.)
2. Men I don’t have feelings for, but who are interesting in some way and so I’d like to potentially be “just friends” with them and have them as a resource and source of attention. (This is roughly half of all guys - we’ll call it 45-47%.)
3. Men I have no attraction to of any kind, and thus have no interest in whatsoever. (50% of men.)
Men put women into one of these three categories:
1. Women I’m very attracted to/have feelings for/want to be in a relationship with. (This is a very small percentage of single men, perhaps 3-5% max.)
2. Women I don’t have feelings for, but I find physically attractive, and thus would like to have sex with. (This is roughly half of all girls - we’ll call it 45-47%.)
3. Women I have no attraction to of any kind, and thus have no interest in whatsoever. (50% of women.)
As you can see, that middle category is VERY different between men and women. But WHY?
It’s pretty simple: in each case, the desire matches perfectly with what is most advantageous for that person.
Women, as a rule, aren’t interested in casual sex - most may make a very RARE exception for a super, ultra-hot guy or a guy with gobs of charisma that all her friends like too, but otherwise, girls are only interested in sex once they’ve already established an EMOTIONAL CONNECTION with a man. But women are still very much interested in male attention, and in having men available to listen to her problems, give her emotional support, and to help with physical work. So, being “just friends” with guys gives her a number of advantages and benefits, and hardly any downside.
Men, as a rule, aren’t interested in being “just friends” - because there is little-to-no upside for a man to be “just friends” with women from a man’s point of view. We already fix our own cars, take out our own garbage, work on our own houses, open our own pickle jars, and when we’re in a relationship, have our own women’s problems to listen to. Most women don’t bring much if anything to the table as “just a friend” from a man’s perspective, but there is lots of effort and obligation that comes with that package.
And when a man is single, his #2 priority (just after physical survival) is HAVING SEX. When we’re single and not having sex, the most important thing - the thing that drives us - is HAVING SEX. Sure, we have other priorities too, but they’re lower on the list, and we can’t give them our full attention if we aren’t having sex. Men are also different from women in that we don’t NEED to have an emotional connection to have sex or to enjoy it. Sure, sex WITH emotions is better - much like food with spices is better than plain food - but no guy wants to starve to death waiting for spiced food. We’ll always prefer SOME sex over no sex at all, even if it’s not ideal. That’s because sex is a lot higher on men’s priority list then on women’s - for women, their top priority after survival is an EMOTIONAL CONNECTION - very different from men. (I should also mention here that some guys ARE hoping for a relationship/emotional connection from his “friend” too - but that’s less common.)
So, how does this affect “friendships”? Simple: women, every one of your male “friends” wants to have sex with you. Some also have feelings for you and would like a romantic relationship. They may not overtly act on it, and they may deny it when asked, and they may (rarely) even turn down sex if offered (if they know there will be other consequences), but in almost every case, it’s true. And, believe me, that desire greatly affects your relationship!
“But that’s crazy!” you say? Yeah, it kind of is. A lot of men - the kind that aren’t already getting laid - will go against their instincts and become “just friends” with one or several women, and spend time with them and give them attention and do favors for them, all in the (usually vain) hope that she’ll suddenly realize “hey, he’s a great guy - maybe I’ll sleep with him today!” Of course that almost never happens, but the HOPE keeps things alive. And, as shameful as it is to admit it, some guys, so desperate for sex, will also stay in a “friendship” on the off-chance that she’ll break up with her boyfriend, or otherwise have a hard time emotionally, and seek “comfort” and validation from him that he can turn into a sexual encounter - and THAT happens more often than anyone would like to admit (but still not that often).
What, you don’t believe any of this? Well, I have a simple test that you can use to see if it applies to YOUR friendships. Ladies, tell your “guy friends” that, while you value his friendship, things will NEVER, EVER go further. Essentially, kill all hope of sex or a romantic relationship.
In most cases, what will happen is that your male “friend” will start to fade out of your life. Why? Because for him, it was never about being “just friends”, it was about getting laid (and much less often, about getting a girlfriend). Once you kill that hope completely, most men are going to realize that the hopes that kept them in the relationship are gone, and they no longer have interest in what’s left.
That sounds cold and awful - and it kind of is - but it’s the TRUTH, and women especially need to be aware that this truth exists, or she’s going to have the wrong perception of what her “just friends” relationships actually are - and she’ll say things like “sure, men and women can be just friends!” Sadly, that’s just not the truth.
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