7 Active Listening Skills for a Better Relationship

MandyRuth
7 Active Listening Skills for a Better Relationship

#Communication #Listening #Relationships

When people ask "what is the most important factor in a relationship?", I always say communication. Yes, of course there are many other factors that are important in relationships, but communication is absolutely necessary in healthy relationship. Quite often, relationship problems aren't people problems, but rather a problem with communication. In fact, studies have shown that poor communication is one of main reasons couples seek therapy, and it is one of the top reasons couples divorce.

The ability to communicate effectively is dependent on listening as much as it is on speaking. Sure, it is easy for anyone to listen when someone is speaking, but ask yourself; are you listening with the intent to reply, or are you listening with the intent to understand? While you may think you are listening to understand, you may be just waiting to respond.

7 Active Listening Skills for a Better Relationship

Active Listening

Active listening (or deep listening) is different than passive listening (or simply waiting to reply), in that you are fully concentrating on what is being said, understanding what is being said, responding to what is being said, and then remembering what was said. By actively listening, you are communicating to your partner that you care about what they are saying, and in turn, they will be more inclined to listen to you.

Active listening is the cornerstone of empathy; the ability to understand and feel what another person is experiencing from their perspective (i.e. to put yourself in their shoes). Empathy is essential in forming a deep, meaningful connection between you and your partner. Research shows that when we understand our significant other's feelings and acknowledge their emotions (and vice-versa) our relationships become more satisfying.

7 Active Listening Skills for a Better Relationship

Becoming an Active Listener: 7 Basic Skills

Here are 7 basic skills that can help you improve your active listening. These skills are the same communication techniques that are used in counselling and conflict resolution, and have been empirically supported by research.

It is important to note that these skills should be used with both Intention and sincerity. Simply "faking" them is counterintuitive to a true empathetic relationship. Likewise, overuse of these skills can diminish their effectiveness, so make sure to use them with purpose.

7 Active Listening Skills for a Better Relationship

1. Attending

Attending is one of the most important skills of active listening. It is a non-verbal way to convey to your significant other that you are interested in, and paying attention to, what they are saying; you are communicating, without using words that you are listening, This involves being aware of your body language and using physical cues. This can include:

Eye contact - maintaining eye contact is one way of conveying interest. That is not to say you should "glare" at them (as this can make them feel uncomfortable) but rather looking at them naturally.

Posture - Be aware of your posture. Be relaxed and sit in close proximity to your partner. Face them, and lean inwards.

Gestures - Your body movements can communicate a lot. For example, holding your hands open, or on your partners hands communicates openness, whereas crossing your arms may communicate a sense of coldness and detachment.

Facial expressions - Facial expressions can help indicate responsiveness (i.e. smiling, raising your eyebrows, etc.)

Part of attending also involves paying attention to your partner's physical and verbal cues (the tone and inflection in their voice, their posture, their eye contact, etc.). On a subconscious level, you may notice you are mirroring (copying) your partner's body-language, which also signals that you connected to them.

7 Active Listening Skills for a Better Relationship

2. Minimal Responses

Minimal responses are another way of showing your partner that you are listening to what they are saying, and encourages them to continue speaking. These include verbal utterances such as "uh-huh", "right", "oh?" and "yeah", as well as non-verbal minimal responses, such nodding in agreement. Again, these responses must be used with intention and sincerity, and overuse of minimal responses can diminish their effect.

7 Active Listening Skills for a Better Relationship

3. Reflecting

Reflecting is simply repeating the speaker's words back to them exactly as they had been said. It shows the speaker that note only heard what they are saying, but also the feelings and emotions that they are expressing. This can involve reflecting back a sentence, or even one or two words that had been said.

Reflections can also be used to bring attention to, or clarify our understanding of what the speaker has said. For example, suppose your partner says: "I hate when my mom and sister fight. I am so angry with her". In order to clarify who they are referring to when they say "her", you might reflect back the "her". In response, the speaker may say "Yeah, my mom, I am so angry at her". This is another way of clarifying what was said without asking a question.

As with other active listening techniques, over-use of reflecting can sound too much like redundant parroting, and can diminish the effectiveness of the technique.

7 Active Listening Skills for a Better Relationship

4. Questioning

Questioning is another way to understand or clarify what the speaker is saying. It also shows your partner that you are engaged and interested in what they are saying. When asking questions, open-ended questions (i.e. "What do you like about her?") are better than closed-ended questions (i.e. "Do you like her?"). Open-ended questions are more likely to elicit a response that will help the conversation continue to flow, as opposed to simple "yes" or "no" responses elicited by closed-end questions.

Like other active listening skills, you should be mindful of when and how often you use questions. Asking too many questions can make the speaker feel like they are being interrogated.

7 Active Listening Skills for a Better Relationship

5. Paraphrasing

Paraphrasing is another method to convey understanding of what the speaker is saying. Unlike mirroring, paraphrasing is repeating what the speaker says, but in your own words, based on your understanding of what was said. These can include phrases such as:

"let me see if I’m following you correctly"

"it sounds like…"

"I’m hearing that…"

7 Active Listening Skills for a Better Relationship

6. Clarifying

Clarifying is making sure that you are accurately following what the speaker is saying. Clarifying is a form of questioning that often includes paraphrasing. For example: "When you’re saying…I’m hearing you say….am I hearing you correctly?"

7 Active Listening Skills for a Better Relationship

7. Summarizing

Summarizing is similar to reflecting and paraphrasing, but it involves taking all of the main points of what has been said, and reiterating them to the speaker. This shows your partner that you have fully understood what they are saying and gives them a chance to correct you, if necessary. You can summarize both content (what was said) as well as feelings (emotions expressed). Here is an example:

"So, from what you have been saying, you and your sister got into a big fight last week and it’s weighing heavily on you. You feel lonely because she isn't talking to you anymore and you don’t know if you should call her or not.”

This summarization highlights both the content of what was said (i.e. got into fight with sister) as well as the emotions expressed (i.e. feeling lonely and weighing heavily on them).

7 Active Listening Skills for a Better Relationship

So, next time you hear your significant other say "Why don't you ever listen to me?!?" , perhaps you need to improve upon your active listening skills. After all, we all want to feel heard in a relationship. Active listening is something that takes practice, but eventually, being able to effectively use these basic skills will drastically improve communication between you and your significant other. In fact, not only can active listening skills help improve communication in your relationship, but they can also help improve your overall communication skills, in your social life and work life as well.

7 Active Listening Skills for a Better Relationship

7 Active Listening Skills for a Better Relationship
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