The conflicting feelings of attraction to someone other than your partner can definitely feel uncomfortable and maybe even guilt-inducing. However, I’m here to tell you these feelings are actually completely normal, in my opinion.
While I don’t adhere myself to the train of thought that monogamy is “natural,” I also don’t assign myself to the belief system of having multiple partners either.
I believe people are fully capable of having many loves, as surely plenty of us have had multiple partners well into our adult lives who we, at a time, loved.
So, why is it so hard to believe you can not only feel attracted to someone else, but connect with them while loving another person?
Many will argue if you “truly love your partner” that you should be unable to feel desire towards anyone else - which is a ridiculous concept. These same people are the ones who see bad movies just for a chance to see Channing Tatum’s muscles or Scarlet Jo’s curves.
The thing is, is that monogamy is a choice, not a natural state of being. While it may have roots in many natural environments and throughout evolution, it doesn’t completely eliminate our ability to seek multiple partners should that relationship end.
If we are so capable of having multiple partners, then, suffice to say, being in a relationship doesn’t prevent you from having feelings towards other people because you have been proven capable of loving more than one person.
Flat out: your partner isn’t the only attractive and endearing person in the world.
While you may say they are your “one and only,” this isn’t truly because no other person could be good for you or even better, but rather because you made the commitment to stay with this person personally. To me, I think this is far more flattering than simply being seen as the “best someone will ever get,” because if you value your partner as much as they value you, you aren’t going to believe that notion. If they are valuable to you, surely someone else would also find them valuable.
This begs the question: what does it mean if you find yourself attracted to or intrigued by other people?
The argument will undoubtedly be made that its a clear indicator of issues in your relationship, and that argument has merit. However, this isn’t necessarily true in every case.
Plain and simple, as much as you love your partner, there may be other things in other people you find interesting or attractive in another person that your partner simply doesn’t possess. Maybe an interest in similar music, a different sense of style, a different, unique body type - lots of things.
Or, possibly, this person may actually be extremely similar to your partner, and this may be what you find so appealing.
The problem is we romanticize relationships, basing their success on outdated notions and Hollywood concepts. There’s this idea of “one true love,” “my one and only,” “my forever, my heart and soul,” which is very cute, but it doesn’t erase the fact that any one person could have thousands, if not billions, of potential partners if you surveyed the entirety of the human race. It’s mathematically impossible unless you CHOOSE a person to be your single, monogamous partner. It doesn’t mean they’re the only suitable person for you, it means you decided that despite every other possibility in the world, you want to try and make a relationship work with this person.
It sounds less romantic, but it’s both true and as I said, I think it makes monogamous relationships more meaningful than they would be under the concept that the only reason you’re together is because you are destined and there are no other variables involved.
We are naturally curious as human beings and this applies to sex and love. So, if someone crosses your mind who isn’t your “bae” and the thought of being with them or just plain screwing them pops up, it doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner or that there’s anything wrong with you. It’s natural to find others attractive, being with someone else doesn’t limit your interests and sexuality to being inclusive to one person - and anyone who says otherwise is either lying or suffering from self-induced delusion.
Where you cross into dangerous territory when it comes to your attraction to others is when you start to prefer the idea of being with them over your current partner, or if your desire to be intimate with them starts to become a real-world prospect rather than a fantasy. What do you do in that situation?
Make a choice and move on.
If you want to give things a go with someone else, break it off and try. However, if you hesitate and don’t want to leave your partner, then either learn how to silently appreciate someone or cut them off if the temptation is too much.
Also be sure that you’re respecting your partner. While it’s fine to occasionally scroll through someone’s selfies or catch a glimpse of their glorious butts when you cross paths in public, its another thing to do things such as liking all of their bikini or shirtless photos, or engage in sexual/suggestive conversations with them.
I am a firm believer that HARMLESS FLIRTING is fine as long as it’s limited, but if you’re crossing over into full-blown flirting with someone to where it seems like your intent is very clear, that’s a problem.
I personally think having a healthy appreciation of others can lead to a stronger relationship, because you know you’re choosing to stay with a person for true reasons rather than thinking they are your only option.
Let me be clear that I am not implying my views include you going out and fucking whoever, blatantly ogling or flirting with people without any conscious of how that would impact your partner.
What I am saying is enjoying conversations with a cute colleague, or catching a subtle glimpse of somebody you find sexy and having the odd naughty thought isn’t the work of the devil himself - it’s human nature and its nothing to be ashamed of.
That is all.
~ Jane
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