Relationships

A Love Story: Letters to the One I Will Always Love (Letter 1)

Anonymous

What is this?

These letters I will write everyday during this week is for the one I loved, and I lost. Our story from the beginning to the end, as a way for me to finally accept my feelings.

I hope you follow and read them, and feel how I felt, and how I am feeling. I will be talking about love, respect, hope, disappointment, hardship, breakup, heartache, modern dating, hooking up, music, lyrics, movies and many things. But first, let me introduce how we met, and how I feel right now writing this.

My first letter... How we met... Because I remember all the details, as you are worth to remember

12:05 AM.

Looking at a computer screen...

Aimlessly with a void in my heart. After 4 years...

I am supposed to work, finish projects I am lagging behind, answer emails I am procrastinating to not answer, clean my house, work out and swim to cleanse my brain.

Yet, here I am after another horrible first date being unmatched, and stood up with no notice.

And I am thinking about the day we met.

The first time I had seen you. You were wearing a purple Star Wars tee and gray plaid short, with a dark green-black Burton backpack. Yes I remember all the details. First, you entered the room, and then four of your friends M,B,A,C,D in order.

You were not my type at all. I wouldn't even look at you normally. Yet, I had seen you and I knew something was special about you. Then D and A found out that we were from the same city, and wanted to introduce me to their little gang.

We sat across each other on the table, eating our turkey sandwich. Well I was vegetarian at that time, had my tofu sandwich, which you made fun of. I told you you looked like Steven Hyde from That 70s Show, and you thought that was an insult.

Well, he was my favorite character, and that was a low-key compliment.

Then, I don't know how I ended up at your place because you lived with D and she invited me to your house party starting at 5 PM. I am the geek, who is always punctual. I showed up at 5 PM, nobody was there and D was taking a shower. You took me around, started talking about your sister, her artwork, and your dad, your mom, what you like, this and that and this again. I barely talked to you, and I remember saying "God he is so fucking talkative. Shut him up please"

And you kept talking to me. At finance class, where you sat next to me and started talking constantly in the class. Then economics, and then other common classes. You were everywhere, by force entered into my life, and all in my class project teams.... Everywhere. I was bothered but somehow I liked that I was bothered.

Then you kept talking. On Facebook, over emails, for a month. You kept running into me in the library, in the dining hall, everywhere.

I liked that but I was so scared to show any feelings. Anything that you may think I really liked you. Now I don't even know why I lost that one month with you before everything happened. I would give anything to get that one month back and would not run away from you, just tell you that I really liked you.

That night, you decided to walk me home from the party. We talked even more, and when we arrived at my place, your story was unfinished. I invited you inside so you finish your story. I got you a cup of coffee, I learnt that you were lactose-intolerant. We talked until 4:30 AM, and after that time I couldn't let you walk alone back home, and there was no cab, no Uber, or Lyft was invented at that time. And I had no bike either. I told you to stay with me, my bed is big. I never thought you would think it is as an invitation to sex, well because I was virgin. I was just really concerned about your well-being if you'd gone home alone in the dead of the night.

I got dressed in my bathroom. My pajama with big teddy bear on them. Clearly, I was not near "inviting slut mode" at the age of 22. Clearly I was a virgin.

I laid down on the right side of the bed. You asked me if you can take your shirt off. I told you to make yourself comfortable, and said you can even take off your pant if you're going to sleep more comfortably.

Void in my head. Not even thinking you would have misunderstood.

Here in the dark, you are in your boxers, laying next to me; and I am still talking about the last road trip to Grand Canyon, my face turned to the wall.

I turned my body and my face to you, kept talking. Then you put your hand on my cheek, leaned closer, and wanted to kiss me.

I never kissed anyone until that day. I didn't kiss you either. I slapped you and asked what you are doing.

You were shocked. You said you thought it is appropriate, and you apologized a thousand times.

Then I noticed I was such an idiot, giving you all the signals, but not noticing them at all because I always thought of as a virgin.

22 year old virgin. Untouched. Not even kissed. Not know how to touch her own body. Always suppressed because she was always mocked being rather "manly" because she was good at math, and science, and she was a nerd, she listened to weird music genre, she was quiet, she didn't talk much. Pure nerd. Weirdo. She will die alone as a virgin.

So girl, better channel your energy into your education, into your academic achievements. You are not worthy of any guy's attention.

22 year old. Virgin. Never been kissed. Never been touched. Never been loved. Locked all those things in a dark place to not think about them. For 22 years.

Here you were, wanting to kiss me, following me everywhere, loving my music style, loving my energy, loving that I was a nerd reading comic books, loving that I played computer games, loving that I was good at math, loving that I was "manly" enough to not ask you to open the door for me, loving the way I dress...

And I just slapped and pushed you away. I was scared. Yet, for a minute. Then I held your hand, kissed it, and rub my hand on your cheek, put a kiss good night on your forehead, took your arm, just to cuddle, and be your small spoon.

Best night of my life, it was. Now I realize everything looking back.

I knew I loved you for 22 years before I saw you. Almost like The National says in Slow Show:


Sincerely,

The One Who Loved to the Point of Burning Alive.

A Love Story: Letters to the One I Will Always Love (Letter 1)
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