I had the worst fight with my girlfriend - and it could have saved our relationship

Last night has been one of the worst nights of my life.

I had the worst fight with my girlfriend - and it could have saved our relationship


My girlfriend and I were supposed to have sex, and we ended up screaming at each other.


For her there was no problem, in her view I was arguing for the sake of arguing. But I was sick of telling her stuff she kept brushing off like I was being a petulant child, without even bothering to consider my point.
Sex has always been a subject of contention for both of us - we managed to work out our other differences very well and with satisfying compromises for both of us, but with sex we never reached a proper agreement.
For her sex is the most important thing in our relationship, surpassing even communication and other interactions at times.
For me sex it's still important, but there are a lot of other important things - communication, sharing impressions, spending time on other activities.

I had the worst fight with my girlfriend - and it could have saved our relationship

I have to do a little mea culpa and admit that sometimes I have been outright disinterested about it and even neglectful.

She was very upset by this, I recognized she was right and so I anted my game - leaving work sooner to spend more time with her and dedicate her attention almost every evening. She outright admitted she has nothing to complain at the moment and it's "perfect for her".
And this made me happy.
What made me upset was that after indulging her in her array of requests and whims, some of which I had to step out of my comfort zone to satisfy, she got very dismissive of my admittedly smaller requests.
They were indeed so modest, she said to my face she doesn't consider it sex and "I'd be better off doing by myself" so we'd spare the "time to do her important stuff".

I had the worst fight with my girlfriend - and it could have saved our relationship

The argument broke out because I wasn't enthusiastic enough and so I was "ruining it for her".


That's when I got angry. I had stepped up to change my behavior to accomodate and meet her needs, and not only I hadn't got not even a "thank you", but I was getting shushed, made fun of and everything had became about her.


At first she tried to laugh it off, then she got angry because I was ruining the evening and we "should have been busy already".
A good hour was spent screaming at each other, her because she always screams when angry and I because she wouldn't let me talk. Then it was me trying to overcome the wall she had put up - she genuinely didn't understand or didn't want to, kept motioning her head as if saying "no" and her rebuttals being"But I like it that way" "It feels so good for me" "What it matters to you, as long as you finish?".


My frustration reached it's climax (not in that way) when she blubbered she doesn't want to break up and she's not even considering it, because for her it's perfect. I just quipped "But I might be consider it".

I had the worst fight with my girlfriend - and it could have saved our relationship

She went ballistic.
Furious anger, crying, threats, begging, she did it all.
I didn't take any of it. I let her calm down and reassure her it's not a certainty, only that I might, if she doesn't care to change. But if I'm not a complete moron and know her well at least half the way I think, she'd be willing to.
So we talked all night long, smoking and cracking open cold beers.


She conceded that I had changed my behavior for her while she didn't, and she has no intention to lose our relationship over this. We agreed to, at least sexually, to start over.


We had sex in the early morning, as a way to "seal the deal", promising each other to start right this evening. And I'm sincerely hopeful things will get better - she's a very thoughtful and kind woman, even if sometimes she loses herself, a bit like me.

Thank you for reading,

Jean-Marie

I had the worst fight with my girlfriend - and it could have saved our relationship
21
26
Add Opinion

Most Helpful Guys

  • ChurchOfIron

    If a fight with your girlfriend was the worst night of your life, I really wish I had your life, dude. Your worst night is probably comparable to my best night, really.

    Holy shit. The girl in the first pic looks exactly like my ex.

    That said, you learned a valuable lesson. You're the man. You decide what needs changing and what doesn't. You don't do everything she tells you to do. She's fighting for the power in the relationship, but she doesn't really want it. You're the leader, not her.

    Threatening to break up with her was the single best thing you could have done. She felt like she was the dominant one in the relationship. Like she had you wrapped around her finger and dedicated no matter what. By showing her that you were willing to walk away, that flipped the script and made her realize that she doesn't have all the power.

    I hope you learned from the exchange. Don't let women walk all over you. You are the man, not them. They're lucky to be with you, not the other way around. You are concerned with their needs, and you want them to be happy, and you will do what you think is best to achieve that, while taking their perceptions into account; but, your needs come first. Exactly how she was playing it.

    Romance is all well and good. I wished for a long time to find an equal to share my life with. But it doesn't work like that. It's raw animal instinct.

    As an incidentally, I'd refer you to the ManoSphere to learn more about how other men have dealt with relationships. There's a lot of great information on how to keep a woman happy and stay in control of the relationship, so that you both are fulfilled by it, rather than just one of you.

    And it really revolves around you being "the man" of the house. Which doesn't just mean abject domination, but a mix of playfulness, leadership, fulfilling her needs, but fulfilling *your* needs *first*. Stuff like that.

    I wish what society told us was true. But it's not. Men and women are primates, higher apes. If we want fulfillment, we have to play the roles nature gave us. Otherwise, we're just fighting against the tide.

    But when we know what fulfills us and our partner, then we can live a mutually fulfilled life, where both of us are at least content and glad to be with each other.

    2 likes
    • I can say I generally have things going well, it's just on this side of my life I'm having problems.
      Some people (my sister included) told me I was giving her too much leeway, and I brushed them off.
      But her behavior just got too much in the last period, especially in some areas, and I couldn't take it anymore.
      Especially when she uses the excuse of her being slightly older as a way to dismiss my opinions.

      I just made it clear to her I want the same care and respect I give her, and not being just dismissed, especially since the things I ask are far smaller than the ones I regularly do for her.
      I admit I too have had and still have my flaws and things she'd have the right to complain about - but I want for the both of us to work on our flaws and issues to make the relationship work.

      I don't want to be the only one making efforts to make things work while she just sits down and waits for things to sort themselves out.

    • DizzyDesii

      Everytime i want to hate the things you say Church, i just facepalm instead because its so close to the truth. Around 90% correct 😂

    • @DizzyDesii Awesome.

      First step: not hating
      Next step: liking
      Last step: Loving everything I say.

      :D

  • Lance1965

    I had the same argument with a ex who thought sex was the cure and the answer for everything. We could be fighting but if we just had sex everything would be fine again in her eyes. It was a imbalance and it sounds like you are going through the same thing.

    1 likes
    • I think so.
      We are dealing with this but I think I'm the one who's really getting pressured by this.

    • Lance1965

      Some relationships can end up one-sided and once that happens it can be difficult to get it back into balance. I hope it works out for you but it does take some work, especially if your partner is stubborn.

Most Helpful Girls

  • fauchelevent

    Glad to hear that you managed to work your way through the argument and you've reached an agreement to try harder. I hope everything goes well for you <3

    5 likes
    • Thank you for your kind words 🙂.
      I'm hopeful too, we'll see in the next days.

    • @ChocolateBrowny I dont think its emotional abuse. I think perhaps if this was going on for a long period of time and either of them felt they couldn't voice their opinions then perhaps but to me, this is just an argument. Also I understand what he says and I dont think it's a waste of time.

    • @ChocolateBrowny As other people already told you, nobody was asking opinions on this - it was just sharing the experience.

    • Show All
  • Saffygirl

    About time you did it.
    You need to take charge sometimes, have you seen what happens when you do?

    5 likes
    • Yes.
      Hopefully this aspect of our relationship will improve.

    • Saffygirl

      LMAO she deleted my comment
      monika confirmed

    • Oh my 😂😂

    • Show All

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

What Girls & Guys Said

1924
  • You have been too attentive to her needs at the expense of your own needs. An imbalance in a relationship only leads to bad outcomes. Sometimes, an argument is necessary to vent feelings and to help your partner to understand how important an issue is to you.

    The important things to remember is that an argument need not be a fight. It should be constructive so there are a few rules that help you to have a "good" argument:

    1. No name calling.
    2. Stay focused on the current conflict and don't dredge up previous conflicts.
    3. Agree to take turns talking and listening (and I have an idea that will be very difficult for a traditional Italian woman!)
    4. If you find yourself repeating the same comments, suggest taking a break for a few minutes.
    5. The goal is NOT to decide who is at fault, but to find a solution to the conflict.
    6. Do not involve anyone else - family or friends - in the argument.
    7. Reassure your partner that you love her despite the current conflict.
    8. Never give your partner an ultimatum unless you are prepared to follow through when your partner does not cede to your demand.
    9. Put some focus on how your relationship will be better if you can resolve this conflict in a mutually satisfactory way.

    Good luck!

    8 likes
    • You are absolutely right my friend.
      I think it may have went a bit too far tonight, although I haven't broken any of the rules you stated, I may have walked on the line by telling her I'd start reconsider the relationship.

  • Glad to hear that you guys made a change and have worked things out from it.

    6 likes
    • Let's hope it goes on!

    • Why have you completely ignored that screaming and shouting is emotional abuse. Oh it’s because she’s a woman so it’s ok 🙄

    • I have not ignored that she was screaming and shouting. The user did not ask for opinions on this topic-- he was sharing his experience.

    • Show All
  • I'm glad you worked things out.

    5 likes
    • even with a peaceful comment like yours we get downvotes.. lel

    • @sarahburberryy It was a brigade of socks of someone who didn't like it

    • bailey11

      @sarahburberryy That's what I noticed! There are too many people who like conflict and strife (because "misery loves company") and are uncomfortable when someone says something positive (as opposed to all the negative comments on this thread).

    • Show All
  • Im glad to hear you two are still together.

    2 likes
    • Thank you.
      I honestly thought it was the end of the line at a certain point.

  • gititboi

    ))) For her sex is the most important thing in our relationship, surpassing even communication and other interactions at times (((

    This wording implies that sex ISN'T "communication" and that it doesn't meaningfully qualify as an "interaction".

    Uh. About that.

    Sex is THE highest bandwidth form of BOTH of those things. A few SECONDS of sexual interactions (hey, look at that word I used) will reveal MANY layers of your partner's personality traits, values, insecurities, mental roadblocks, and emotional/interpersonal skills.

    The same is true of relatively awkward, abortive, or otherwise uncomfortable sex. Just because there are bugs doesn't mean the program is running at any less of a turbo high speed.

    And, ironically, 'meaningless' sex is some of the most deeply meaningful indeed, especially as far as revealing exactly what your partner will or won't do in contravention of certain expectations. How strong are her wants? Will she subvert them to arbitrary social conventions that there's no clear/concrete/immediate payoff for following? What balance of those traits can you hang with, short term? Long term?

    Open your eyes. And your ears, and your heart, and your soul. And, hopefully, your mouth. <3

    1 likes
    • Have you read the whole myTake?
      I stated explicitly I'm doing my best to do it every time she wants and satisfy her fantasies and endure her brutalities.
      The point of contention was another.

    • gititboi

      I have.

      The best sign that you're starting to win this game is when there are less and less of "her" and "your" (i tuoi) fantasies, and more and more of "your" (i vostri) fantasies.

      This is no different from other kinds of 'fantasies'.

      Imagine how creepy it would be if you were engaged to marry some woman, with a decently longish and deep relationship history, but she still imagined HER weird third-grade faux-royal conception of a wedding. Rather than a wedding that would be designed as yours together.
      That'd be REALLY creepy, right? (and I hope you wouldn't marry that one)

      Once you've had a sexually intense relationship for more than a short time, it's a similarly bad omen if HER fantasies are all still just HERS.

    • I understand, and you are right on that.
      Although some of her stuff rubbed off on me and same happened for her, we are still adjusting to it.

    • Show All
  • Shezadi

    I didn't understand anything. Why did you guys fight? A man should be the bigger person in the relationship and make sacrifices. Buttering a woman's ego a little bit can make a woman feel ready to take a bullet for her man. A woman does so much for a man, she leaves her parents and gives birth to her partner's children. Yes, women can be annoying but without women, a man's life feels empty. When men leave women, they start to miss that nagging, and then they realise how lucky they were to have someone who nagged them.

    8 likes
    • I basically explained it through the myTake.
      She has moments she takes everything for granted and treats me as piece of meat.
      I'm not a sex toy, and although I'm happy it's all "perfect" for her, I'm a bit less happy she hushes and treats me like a child.
      After all I work two jobs and some people already complain I'm enable her too much.

    • Kakella

      Agree he should make sacrifices, but that girl is too spoiled and treated him like a object.
      He doesn't owe sex to her because she's his girlfriend nor should he accept such treatment.

    • @Kakella Pretty much.

    • Show All
  • tiajoka

    It sounds to me that you two have different love languages, and she might not be understanding that. The same way she feels love with physical touch, is the same way you feel loved with quality time. I am also someone who needs quality time, and on my test I got a 0 for touch. But I also know its important to let your partner feel loved like you do, and you seem to have realized that without even knowing the 5 love languages so kudos to you.

    9 likes
    • Lliam

      Wise words, tiajoka.

  • Kurαȷ

    I wouldn't rejoice just yet.
    My relationship of 5 years fell apart exactly because of this reason.

    You can't fix sexual incompatibility that easily, because to some people, sex is be-all end-all when it comes to relationships.

    4 likes
    • I know, but I want to work on it.
      She's already satisfied while it would take very little to satisfy me as well, I hope she understood that.

    • Kurαȷ

      Yeah, that wasn't at all what I meant.

    • @Kuraj , don't worry, I already got this.

  • Kit_Kat88

    My exes would describe me almost exactly how you’re describing your girlfriend. My last ex would tell people that I was insane and maybe psychopathic. I like to mention that he constantly criticized me for everything, and shouted at me often. I do admit to displaying your girlfriend’s behavior but on different areas, not really sex. I’ve changed and learned how to behave better in a relationship. I hope she changes for the better for the sake of your relationship

    3 likes
    • I understand what you mean.
      She's generally a very kind, generous and thoughtful woman, it's only with this area we are having problems and frustrations.
      I admit I too have had and still have my flaws and things she'd have the right to complain about - but I want for the both of us to work on our flaws and issues to make the relationship work.

    • Kit_Kat88

      Does she show you her bad side often?

    • Generally when she's stressed or in a bad mood.
      Our recent problems are only in bed even though things are going well for her, I just think she has gotten complacent.

    • Show All
  • Lliam

    Some of the worst arguments my wife and I have had were on this subject, except our positions were reversed.

    I would highly recommend that you both read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman that tiajoka mentioned.

    I'll also mention that couple's counseling is valuable. My wife believes in it. I wasn't interested at first, but now I agree with her. She actually had us go to a relationship counselor before we got married, not because there was a problem, but just to learn more about each other.
    Since we've been married, we have gone to councelers a couple times over the years, sometimes once a month for several months. It sometimes helps to have an unbiased moderator who can observe, sometimes ask questions and give advice. This is particularly true when you two have an unresolved point of contention that continues to lie beneath the surface of your relationship.
    It can also help both of you to see the communication errors you are making. You can learn communication skills that make it easier to resolve issues on your own without hurting each other's feelings.

    But you don't only have to see a counselor when you have a conflict. My wife and I have done it at times just to learn more about each other and keep our relationship fresh and healthy. Maintaining a strong relationship takes work. And seeing a counselor isn't a sign of weakness. It's a sign of commitment.
    I have learned a lot about myself and my wife by seeing a counselor. Doing so sometimes forces you to go deep to discover things that you didn't realize about yourself. And the more you and your partner learn about each other's pasts, your personalities, what you need, and what motivates you, the closer you become.

    My wife is also interested reading books about personalities and relationships. We sometimes have conversations about those topics. I generally have other interests, but I a'm grateful for her commitment to our relationship, her honesty, and her wisdom. To a great extent, it's because of her that we are best friends and cohorts for life. We really, really love and trust each other. Our relationship is cemented with Superglue and it's not because either of us caved on our values or desires. It's not because either of us are perfect, either. But we both contribute to making each other better people.

    Best of luck to you. I hope you and your girlfriend remain very happy.

  • over_it

    Wow this is a lot, I think, like others are saying, she just might have been a little spoiled and thought she deserved that "perfect" situation while you were being taken for granted, but I think it sounds like you guys are working through it now, I think it will take more conversations, more compromises and lots of communication but it sounds like you guys are on track to create a beautiful relationship out of something that wasn't working exactly right. Please let us know what happens with this, I would love to know the future for you too, and good luck!

    3 likes
    • Thank you for your kind words and understand ing, I wholeheartedly appreciate them!
      I think it will takes some time and trials to gets things right, but it's heartwarming she's willing to put the effort in it.

      Maybe I spoil her too much. I think she deserves her perfect situation, but I want to have it too.

  • Anpu23

    She sounds like a manipulative bitch. If she apologizes but doesn't change her behavior, seriously consider leaving her. This is classic abusive behavior.

    2 likes
    • I'm giving her the chance to change for now

    • DizzyDesii

      Dang i relate to this take and these comments sommuch... story of my life 🤦‍♀️ I've been manipulated so much i hardly recognize how to fight it these days

  • debi2622

    It was good of you to step out of your comfort zone to please her. She should have not been so dismissive, but glad you tow could laugh and talk it out coming to admission and a positive way forward. Communications is everything. Along with listening and truly hearing/understanding the other perspective.

    Sex with my boyfriend is important. It bonds our minds and hearts in intimacy that is unparalleled. Then all the other non-sexual bonding comes into play to fill in all the other aspects to create a tight relationship seal.

    1 likes
    • I completely agree with you.
      To work, sex in a relationship must be a mutual and satisfactory experience for both parties.
      This way the already present good feelings are further reinforced.

  • devilman666

    Sounds kind of typical of women to me, they almost always put expectations on men that they dont want on themselves. This shows up mostly in the fact that you have to make them happy but they don't have to do the same.

    1 likes
  • spartan55

    Sounds like there is a rarely a dull moment at your place... Man, I was getting stressed out just reading about it... Godspeed my man...

    1 likes
  • up_64

    You have the upper hand now and have compete power. She admitted she wasn't even considering a break up. You didn't. Know she's in the begging position maybe use that to change her behaviour

    1 likes
    • I just want for her to understand I too have my needs and a right to talk about them

    • DizzyDesii

      Lmao i hate comments like this but theyre so true. When i realized indidnt have the power with my ex anymore, i gave him the upperhand. But he drove us into the ground. He didn't know wtf he was doing. And wasn't willing to compromise like i at least used to. I shouldve stayed in the lead 🤦‍♀️

    • @DizzyDesii I understand what you mean.
      In my case it's only that I want a 50/50 instead of the usual 80/20 in her favor.
      I'm fine giving her the leverage almost always and doing what she wants, but I'd like to do what I want too once in a while.

  • lightbulb27

    do you understand what is actually going on, want me to try and explain it? there was a simple way to handle this which would have been less painful, unless you are trying to not have intercourse with her until marriage.

    your threat to leave is a problem, it could drive her to cheat. do you understand why?

  • pinkhoodie53

    I love this. You’re really smart and seem to know what you want. I think I’m more like you, sexually, I’m not that interested in it and I feel other activities are too but other guys are sooo (them>me I guess) anyway; sexually I definitely feel like you were/are being neglected. She can be a phenomenal person but if sex is the most important thing to her and she mistreats you in that way for it you might have to find someone who doesn’t hold sex able simple thing like dinner or watching a movie together.

    2 likes
    • Thank you for your kind words and understanding, I wholeheartedly appreciate them!
      You are perfectly right. I understand that sex it's important to her, but sometimes she always purs it first and foremost she puts her sexual needs first.
      She has moments she takes everything for granted and treats me as piece of meat.
      I'm not a sex toy, and although I'm happy it's all "perfect" for her, I'm a bit less happy she hushes and treats me like a child.

    • I’m proud that you spoke up for yourself. That’s a major step in emphasizing your needs and making sure they are met.

  • luvstoned4him

    So glad you both reached a compromise and I sincerely wish you all the best with your relationship.

    2 likes
  • GraveDoll

    Ayo! seem like a bad night on the sea with a hurricane. im glad you guys were able to come a conclusion. Conversation is always good rather it through heated debates or other means.

    3 likes
  • hahahmm

    You’re getting to wound up in ‘romance’. She’s using you. Now I ain’t saying she’s the first woman in history that used a guy. But don’t be a fool & make her your top priority in life or think she’s loyal. She can get sex anywhere.

    3 likes
  • Angelwithnowings

    I was so nervous, I thought something bad was going to happen lol! I'm happy everything is okay!

    1 likes
    • Thankfully it all went well in the end, and as an additional luck the other work project got postponed, so we have more time to spend together.
      Now we are enjoying the night together.

  • Kiran_Yagami

    "she's a very thoughtful and kind woman, even if sometimes she loses herself"

    Uhm... wut? She sounds like a spoiled, petulant, bitch to me. I'd drop her like a bad apple.

    1 likes
  • rjroy3

    Good read. Cool to see things reach a point of agreement for you two

    1 likes
  • themomo84

    She controls you and you allow it. Change it or don't complain.

    1 likes
  • smg99

    What a roller coaster night at least it was worth the stay up to bond. So glad you both had the deep convo ;)

    1 likes
  • Kakella

    Happy to know you are dealing with this the right way.
    Remember that sex it's about you both, not just her.

    1 likes
  • Tigarian

    Well if you shout at each other then you don't respect each other. Love without respect is temporary. It will surely end. So if you want to be together start off with respect. Yes couples fight. Its healthy. But being disrespectful is not. You can have difference of thoughts and opinion. That's was the first reason you got together to learn about each other more and fall in love as well. Hope it makes sense to you other wise it is an opinion. Take it or leave it

  • YHL6965

    Holy shit, she sounds very selfish. I hope you can sort this out, but i would be bailing if someone did not want to invest herself in a relationship at least a little or if she would not be grateful.

  • catj9999

    Dont worry girls r dumb cu*** and take guys back no matter what

    1 likes
    • Is that dumb twat you?

    • catj9999

      Yeah so what? I'm a dumb cu** too

    • I'm glad i dont like guys as much as you lol

    • Show All
  • joshctlee

    At least your girlfriend has sex with you. My last girlfriend started refusing sex, and it only exacerbated things we eventually broke up. That bitch.

  • Exterminatore

    Well... hope it works out. I would have just dumped her but I can’t stand drama. Best of luck.

  • Ah man. I gotta ask... what’s keeping you around?

    2 likes
  • EuropeanChick

    sorry but
    you are both fucked up

    4 likes
  • I wish you best of luck, try not to argue tonight.

    1 likes
    • Thanks, tonight it should go well hopefully.

    • How did it go

    • It went quite well, thank you for asking!
      We have a romantic and intimate night and same will be tonight.

    • Show All
  • wantagf

    Oh why

    1 likes
  • ConfusednClueless

    I am glad you guys worked it out.

    1 likes
  • Secretgardenblood

    Good take

    1 likes
  • Amazing

  • Anonymous

    "... after indulging her in her array of requests and whims". Whims? It may be a whim to you but it may be important to her.

    "... when she blubbered she doesn't want to break up". Blubbered?

    I think you're the same guy who was asking about new massage techniques to try on your girlfriend (on another post). So it sounds like you care. I hope things work out.

    1 likes
    • And you are right, but I want for her to understand my needs too are important, not only hers.

  • Anonymous

    Never argue with a girl

    3 likes
  • Anonymous

    Don't worry about it too much. Women love drama more than they love men. They go as you said ballistic. Crazy!

    Women are like that. Your next rollercoaster ride like that can range from tomorrow to a year at most.

    1 likes
  • Anonymous

    It seems to me that your girl has anger issues and is a liittle bit spoiled..

    sometimes, when we find ourselves with someone like you, we tend to forget we have our part of responsability and kinda take the person for granted. you're obviously the Mature One here, so she's taking advantage of that!! i've been there before and i know what it's like.
    anyways im happy you managed to solve this problem and hopefully she'll learn from her mistakes before it's late. Patience has its limits ;)

    4 likes
    • I understand, thank you for your opinions and kind words!
      I admit she has a bit of anger and jealousy issues, and although I do like to spoil her a little, I draw the line when she starts treating me like her servant.

    • Anonymous

      thank u for mho u. u

Loading...
Loading...