Men should NOT have to pay for everything in a relationship!

[fashionguy17]

Introduction:

Wow. I have not written one of these in a long time! Hope everyone is keeping well, despite the current world affairs! The reason why I am writing this myTake is because of what I see on social media.

Even though I do not use social media in my personal life, one of my side businesses is social media management. That means I do a lot of work for clients on platforms like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat. When I'm bored, I will sometimes just view random profiles, and I have seen one recent trend that I would like to discuss and get feedback on.

Now, I always like to begin with this statement - I am not bashing all women. I say this, because people get defensive when you mention their gender. I am not writing this to be offensive, so please don't take offense to anything in this myTake!

So, what is the trend I've seen on social media? I see a lot of women saying the following (I am quoting them word for word):

-"If a man can't help pay my bills, I don't want him."

-"A man should pay for everything I do. He should handle all the bills, all of our dates and be able to afford gifts on a whim."

-"A woman should have her own money and a man should have his own money. But a man should be able to pay for everything I do while I save and keep my money. That is what my father did with my mom and that is what I expect my man to do."

You see those 3 points above? Those are actual quotes from women on the subject. There are many more examples I have, but those quotes signify exactly why I'm making this myTake. Maybe I'm a "new school" man, but I don't think a man should pay for anything a woman does. This has nothing to do with chivalry. In fact, let's take this back some decades. Let's take it back to the 1950s.

A brief look at history:

In the 1950s, it was expected for a woman to stay home and raise the kids while the man worked and made money. With this logic and the way things were back then, it made sense that a man would pay for everything, right? Now, let's take it to present-day.

In 2020, men are working full-time jobs and women are working full-time jobs. Men have their own money and women have their own money. Women are also working hard to be equal to men, and in many cases (especially in my own personal life), I know a lot of successful women who are making way more than. This notion that men need to pay for everything seems outdated and outrageous, wouldn't you agree?

Respect and equality, what's that?:

I don't know about you, but when I am in a relationship with a woman, I need to look at her as my equal. If I am paying for everything, how is that woman my equal? How can I respect someone that doesn't put in anything or contribute? To me, when it comes to relationships, EVERYTHING should be 50/50:

-A man and woman should pay bills equally.

-A man and woman should pay for dates equally.

-A man and woman should pay for their kids equally.

-If you want material items (such as clothes), that should be on you and you should use your own money.

Partners, in my opinion, need to be equal and there is nothing equal about one person paying for everything while the other person just sits back and watches.

In addition to that, if a man is paying for everything a woman does, he holds the power in the relationship and he will feel he can do whatever he wants since you're not contributing financially. I have seen this happen many times.

Take my mom and dad for example. My mom works and my dad works. My mom doesn't pay for anything. My dad pays all the house bills, he pays for both of their cars, he pays for the groceries and everything. Since my dad pays for all this, my dad decided to only put his name on the deed to the house (since he paid for the house himself and pays all the bills) and he also put my moms car and her phone under his name as well, since he pays for that.

In this entire relationship, I have seen my dad do some shady things and he doesn't really respect my mom. He is always telling me how she doesn't contribute to anything and I know he feels a type of way about this. Also, since my dad pays for everything, that means my mom DOES NOT own anything except the clothes on her back. Everything is in my dad's name, since he pays for everything. So, if a man pays for everything you do, in an actual sense... HE OWNS YOU!

Final Notes:

I apologize if this myTake isn't well written. I am under a time crunch, but I just wanted to get my thoughts out there! So, here are my questions to you:

-Men... would you respect a woman if you had to pay for everything she does?

-Ladies... do you expect men to pay for your lifestyle and all the bills? What are your thoughts on this?

-Ladies and gentlemen... in this modern day and age where BOTH men and women are working, do you expect everything to be paid for a split 50/50?

[btbc92]

While I agree with your stance, I think you miss the mark with a lot of things. But the main points are both correct, but irrelevant to the actual argument.

1. If a man is told he has to pay for everything, and he does it, then he is sadly not a man. A man is the head of the household. It doesn't matter if it is 1950 or 2020. A man's job is never done like a woman's job is never done. If he courts a woman and asks her out, yes, he should pay. Should he spend unreasonably? No. And he shouldn't do anything above his means. Any good woman would understand that and would if she could, also offer to contribute especially if she cares about him. So I think you're missing the very point with both sexes. Most MEN today just refuse to do anything, like MOST WOMEN refuse to be told what to do, sacrifice, or even invest in the men she says she wants. A selfish man will just attract selfish women. You don't see those with similar values have these problems. It is a mismatch.

2. " To me, when it comes to relationships, EVERYTHING should be 50/50:" NO. Realistically speaking relationships are 100/100% NOT 50/50. It doesn't work and both parties will always feel like one or the other isn't putting much work. I should know. My parent's marriage was just like that. Somebody will be expecting to do the 50, but the other to do 120 and behind. OR both try to do the 50, get to a 100, and then get mad with the other for not giving the same amount. It sounds good on paper but in practice, it doesn't work in real life. And my married friends and those who were married and varify.

3. "-A man and woman should pay bills equally.
-A man and woman should pay for dates equally.
-A man and woman should pay for their kids equally.
-If you want material items (such as clothes), that should be on you and you should use your own money."

The only thing I agree with is the last one about material items. If you want something to pay it yourself. When married, you do it together. With the other 3, it should be between the couple to figure that out. But with the kids, it's, however, can and is the breadwinner to do so if the other can't. Kids should NOT have to be negotiated. Take care of them. You can't do it, don't have CHILDREN. That's all.

Other than that, I have to agree with a few but disagree with a lot. Your father made the choice to control your mother. That is not your mother's fault that she married him thinking he's going to take care of her. That's his job. He married her knowing this, therefore he needs to stop whining like a child and giving you a false perception of what a healthy marriage should look like. Just because both partners work, it doesn't guarantee everybody is going to be happy or less miserable. It's common sense. An upstanding man takes care of his woman. And a respectful woman honors her husband in all things. What your describing concerning women as a whole are spoiled shallow women who have entitlement because she is a female. And the men your talking about are not men. But are doormats who doesn't even know their worth. They're just chasing after females. Bad ones at that. They're the female equivalent of naive girls who chase after bad boys.

[Giselleboss]

Well written!

[Aaron_Stone]

I'm quite impressed 👍

[SadBoiCari96]

Straight facts

[Anonymous]

I strongly believe in splitting things fairly in a relationship. It's not that each bill is split 50/50. It's more like we take turns paying for things so money never becomes an issue.

I actually prefer to split a first date 50/50 too, especially if I'm not sure if I will want a second date. In the past, I've felt guilty if I went on a first date with a guy, he paid for an expensive meal, and then I decided I didn't want to keep seeing him. I think some guys interpret this as girls just wanting a free meal, and I don't want to be part of that thought process. When I split the bill on a first date, I feel completely free to make any decision about whether or not to keep seeing someone without feeling a sense of guilt or obligation.

[Tmoney0305]

I honestly don't think men should pay for everything either because at some point the man will have everything in his name and if he wants a divorce theoretically the man would get to keep everything because, it's all in his name all the woman would get would be the clothes on her back but if in a relationship you pay for things equally this sets up a balance to where you can spend your own money on yourself and on your partner I personally think that in a relationship the man should pay half of his money towards the bills and groceries same as with the women sorry if what I have just typed offended you cause if it did you need to grow up. Guys you don't have to pay all the bills by yourself and you don't have to get your girlfriend and or fiance or significant other whatever they want if they want it tell them to pay at the minimum 25% on the expensive jewelry they want or balance it out and get you something for yourself as well and ladies dont always expect a man to pay for everything if you also have a job as I had said earlier if I offended you I'm sorry but still you need to grow up.

[Giselleboss]

You’re 17 lol

[Tmoney0305]

@Giselleboss and your point is

[Hermes-Paris]

My best friend recently ended his marriage because he was paying for everything putting his step-kids through college, paying for animals, cars, clothes, blah blah... and his needs were always secondary. One conversation with a South American friend stopped him cold. She said and I quote because I was there. "You are not a good father... You are not a good husband... You are not a good example to any of them. Do you know what you are? You are their slave. You choose to live as their your slave and you will die as their slave and none of them will ever love you for that!" He filed for divorce two weeks later. Good for him. Read Osho on love and relationships. Dependency is not love.

[hi_it_is_me123]

Was the wife a housewife?

[Hermes-Paris]

@hi_it_is_me123 She just didn't feel like working and neither did the kids. Couldn't be bothered with it and spent the days just staring at their phones. He was working 60 to 70 hours a week to keep them all going. When I saw him he looked like he aged 10 years in less than two. It was killing him.

[Paul09]

I hope he kicks them out when they reach 18? 🤔

[mistixs]

So where's the equality when the woman's the one going through all the work to bring a child into the world? As per the cost of surrogacy, by carrying a pregnancy, a woman is contributing $50,000 worth of value. The man is contributing nothing.
Traditionally the man contributed by paying for the necessities and hospital bills. I think that should be expected during pregnancy. This makes sense because studies show that working full-time is damaging to a pregnancy.

[Giselleboss]

I don’t understand why they call themselves “men”. That title is earned through BEING one.

[SadBoiCari96]

Thats not fair. How can a man share child birth? That sound stupid as hell. Although I do agree that medical bills for the birth of his child should be paid but anything else after that should be a team effort.

[mistixs]

@SadBoiCari96 he shares by contributing $50,000 worth of value to the pregnancy, whether that be paying for shelter, food, medical care, or anything else that benefits the pregnancy.
That way he contributes equal value to the pregnancy.

[SadBoiCari96]

Yeah but the way you said it kinda seemed odd like you was upset that men couldn't share the pain of child birth or something 😂

[msc545]

oh works his ass off to pay the medical bills? NOT YOU.

[mistixs]

@msc545 Yes, he needs to contribute equal value to the pregnancy.

[msc545]

That IS equal value.

[errorgoodnameunfound]

Well, fact is, nobody is forcing two people to bang each other. If it was by consent, the woman knows what she is getting into and should probably make sure she A) has a sort of personal income like labor leave, not being reliant on the man in case he bails and/or B) Do her best to make sure she doesn't fuck the sort of guy who would impregnate her and then leave if she gets pregnant. Problem is, it seems B) is all too often ignored and that's where women get all upset but I have zero sympathy in that case. If a man and woman want a kid SO badly, but pregnancy is a worry, use condoms, birth control, abstinence, etc. as well as ADOPTION. Problem solved.

[msc545]

Bullshit. The man winds up supporting the woman AND the child, living with them or not, for a verry long time.

[errorgoodnameunfound]

@Giselleboss If that's the case, shouldn't the title of "woman" be EARNED too? Equality is equality.

[Username737]

Facts lol

[MrNameless]

But the man is contributing. He's helping her out with her needs, and he's going to work paying for the bills, while she is off getting ready for pregnancy as well as post pregnancy. That's ideally how it should be. There's no doubt that child brith is tough, but To say a man is not contributing for being a man is asinine

[Xoxocutekitty]

I am a strong proponent of financial equality. My interpretation to equality however involves equity. I believe in the beginning of the dating process (before the what are we relationship talk), it is valid to each pay half of dates or to have a you get this one, I'll get the next date sort of attitude.

However, I firmly believe that when couples start "becoming an item" start spending more time together, and building a lifestyle together, then they should be contributing proportional amount financially. If one person (even the woman) makes 2x what their partner makes, then to "achieve" fairness and sustainability, should either be willing to cut their spending habits to match that of the lower income partner, or be willing to subsidize their partner financially in order for them to "keep up" with their acquired shared more expensive lifestyle.

It is not fair to expect a person to be able to match the dollar amount of your "leisure expenses" particularly if it takes them twice as much time to earn those same dollars. This is what I would call opportunity ratio. If you both value the same things, and value the time spent doing those things, one partner should not hold a person's income against them. Both partners should have similar proportions of their differing incomes set aside for savings, for leisure, for bills. Forcing someone who only makes 30k a year to pay 50% of a bill while their partner (making 80k) who only likes to go to 5 star restaurants is not sustainable. It is demeaning and asks much "more" from the lower income partner who very directly has less leisure money left for family, or vacation, or friends, or hobbies. The wealthier partner is not affected at all and remains ignorant of the new "Standard" of inadequacy set upon them by the relationship.

[sagevalentineee]

Each to their own opinion. It depends on the dynamics of the relationship. If your parents earn a similar salary, yes I think to hold her own respect your mother should have some of the financial burden. But for example, between my parents, with only a father working, my mother cannot pay for half of everything. But it's not like she doesn't work, my father is a CEO and travels extensively, I think without my mother he would be a huge mess. My mother is incredibly smart, but she never worked after graduating, as my Dad has the type of job where it consumes him she's the one that takes care of everything that people don't see. She also adores cooking and is an excellent networker. Naturally my Dad should pay for everything, and there have never been any issues with it.

My boyfriend has never expected me to pay for anything. We typically alternate on meals, but we don't really keep track and he doesn't really care that much. He would pay for the big things like hotels and flights, that's because he's older and wealthier.

[ManOnFire]

I agree with this entire Take. But you did not need to include "Now, I always like to begin with this statement - I am not bashing all women. I say this, because people get defensive when you mention their gender." - That is their problem if they take it that way, my friend. We must stop letting ourselves be made to feel that we're insulting or despising the other gender just because we're saying something about them. Which is why I do not include disclaimers like that in any of my Takes and have not done it in a long time. If people can't be mature enough to realize what's being said - even "in general" - about a gender, then they're failing to grow with the message.

Having said that, as a man who formerly believed in the guy paying for everything, the dates, the gifts, and her comfort and well-being in a relationship or marriage, this Take further helps me to keep moving away from that mindset. I used to think all that was right and beautiful for a man to do, but about a year or 2 ago after I entered that kind of relationship I started questioning it and began to see where a lot of guys are coming from who oppose having to pay for the date and wanting the woman to pitch in.

Also, women's expectation for the guy to pay on the date or even in the relationship is imbalanced: on the one hand they don't want a guy to expect sex from her on a date, but then they expect the guy to pay for her. It seems to be in many areas that women don't like men thinking they can get an opportunity at sex with them by doing something for her, yet they think it's okay to expect men to do something for her benefit.

So yes. I now agree that men should not have to pay for everything in a relationship.

[hi_it_is_me123]

What? Many male gaggers get triggered when I make a question about the male gender in my experience. And if you want a traditional woman, you have to pay, if you want a woman who also pay, you should be also be ok that you do cooking and household chores. I think many men here prefere traditional women, so i dont understand why they even complain about women not paying. I mean are you not the one who want traditional women? I am confused

[hi_it_is_me123]

Sorrry. Dont reply. I read it now. He does not even bash women, he just critisizes some women's behaviour very NICE without shamimg tactics or hate. I am just suprised and did not except that

[hi_it_is_me123]

I like how did not offend anyone

[ManOnFire]

@hi_it_is_me123 You should've read the whole thing to begin with.

[cutesweetday]

I come from a country where men are very traditional. You asked ladies if we except men to pay for everything, here it doesn’t matter what we expect. Men want to pay for dates with their girlfriend and later bills for their wife and kids. My dad is like yours without the complaining. What do I want? To have enough money of my own to buy myself clothes, food, live in a beautiful apartment... What do I want from my boyfriend? To feel comfortable and loved when I’m with him, to have fun with him, and to have good communication. Money should never be a foundation of a relationship, it should be a bonus. Men should spend their money on who they want and on what they see fit. Women should never put claim on anyone’s money nor have expectations regarding it.
If you want to split everything with your girlfriend, find a girlfriend who wants to split everything with you. If a woman wants a man who will pay for everything she wants, she should find a man who wants to pay for everything. I don’t encourage either though, base a relationship on love you feel for each other not on spending rules.

[thegirlfromthething]

I wouldn’t expect a guy to pay for everything and we would both work so we should both contribute financially. But I think instead of going 50/50 all the time,
each of our contributions to major expenses like buying a house should be proportional to our share of our combined income. For small things like meals or homeware it’s fine to split the cost evenly or take turns paying. I agree with this for my own relationships because I would feel embarrassed and infantilized if I had to rely on him to take care of me like that, but this does work for some couples and they shouldn’t have to change if they can be satisfied in that kind of relationship.

[archiz]

I mainly agree with what you're saying, especially the part of being owned and dependent on the person.
I just want to add that some people actually still seek a traditional lifestyle so for them I think it's fine to have your own preferences but don't impose it on others and vis versa as well.
Now I have been raised with really traditional views. In my culture we get a bad idea from a guy who doesn't offer to pay for the first date, it's custom for us.
I usually prefer if he pays for the first date if he is the one who invited me which is most of the case. The first date is usually coffee so it's not smthng expensive but it shows initiative and that he is taking it srsly.
For the next dates I can return the favour then and invite him and so on. When we get into a relationship it can be mainly 50/50 unless someone feels like treating the other with a nice gesture to keep the romance going.

[Anonymous]

Yeah I am the man, I am 11 years older than my girlfriend and we have two kids under 4 years old. I love it but there is also a responsibility I have. I do pay almost all bills, including rent, car insurance, gas, car repairs, buying new cars, and on and on. I do not care because she is the best stay at home mom (she does work part time) I could ask for, she supports my hobbies, and she loves sex as much as me. She tracks doctor appointments and preschool levels and buying new clothes. I need her and she needs me just like my kids need her and need me.

[silvermoon84]

Actually when I’m on a date I prefer to just go dutch. I can pay for my own meal/ movie ticket/etc, I pay my own bills, if I want something, I buy it myself. I handled it myself while I was single so why expect a man to pay for me. Admittedly I can be a little high maintenance, and I’d rather just handle that myself in moderation rather than make him pay for me.

with that said, if he wants to treat me to dinner once in a while that’s fine as long as he’s okay with me treating him as well

[realmodhours]

I am completely the same way, I agree with this.

[msc545]

@realmodhours Nice!

[Ellie-V]

Yawn. All I know is I have my money, been taking care of myself since I was a teenager. I require that their ambition match mine. Little details like who pays for what are so boring and trivial. I’ve been paying my own way. That doesn’t change if I’m a relationship.

[crazy8000]

Growa pair of ball's.

Doesn't take that kind of shit from female's that isn't even quality and think they are.
(if she put up some drama just make her a laughing stock. like she was the biggest comedy joke ever, the more she kept on going the more should you find her a a huge comedy joke until she gets quite and leave. the other one is stupidify her by confronting everything in a logical way and repeating what she said with a twist what it means also like you are her slave and she should use you. you should repeat it as a question. majority of female's can't handle it and makes a fool of themselves)

Haven't paid for any female on a date. not gonna. never will.
Those that expect it gives extremely bad vibes and red flag's about a lot of bottom scrapings variants, haven't been taught in the right way by her mother how to be. (lacks manner)
Mentally messed up in abad way.

[KaylaJoy]

I’ve always been uncomfortable with the idea of letting men pay for everything. When I go on dates I prefer to either pay for my own food or switch off talking turns paying for the date.

[Twalli]

I say that if you are married and not dating you don't have separate bank accounts. Your money is shared. Granted if you sign a prenup or some such, it's different, but generally your money is their's and vice versa. My parents do/did this. If I an with a woman who expects me to pay for everything, she can have NO personal money whatsoever. She must be like women were before they were allowed to work. If you are dating I don't think payment should be 50-50. I think it should be 60-40 where the guy pays for things 60% of the time. We are moving towards equality, but we aren't there yet.

[Anonymous]

Many men prefere traditional women here, so if you dont want to provide/pay, dont except her to be a housewife or traditional. You can't have both and dont be hypocritical. I personally dont have a problem with providing a man because i prefere submissive men

[Opinion Owner]

You said you want your equal. So that means also raising a kid like a woman usually do? Anyway i like your take. It is well and nice written. I thought you were an mgtow incel , who name call women, before reading the take. Fortunately, i am suprised and like the take so much. I like how you critisize some women very nice and objective without hate and shaming tactics. Just wow. So thank you for the take

[Opinion Owner]

I dont understand the dislikes. I think that a woman also should pay for the dates, if she is progressive aka work. So both should pay equally like writer of the take said.

[Unit1]

I think you got them butthurt. Good. They are probably too weak anyway.

[lostminds]

I know quite a few men who have gotten full custody of their kids in a divorce and have done very well taking care of them.

[geonator]

We should not be expecting women to undergo lesser degrees of challenge than men. Women are also meant to challenge themselves and be unselfish. If a woman has the attitude that men are supposed to pay for everything for them, those women believe they are entitled. We should get all men to avoid those women so they learn a lesson.

I really appreciate some dating advice I got recently which is, that if she never even offers to pay, you should mention that you don't mind paying, but appreciate a woman who is willing to also contribute to the relationship

[Broken_doll]

I didn't read all this, but they should only pay for the first few dates to show chivalry. After that, the woman should be prepared to pay her share. And if the man decides to pay for everything, then that's his thing.

I paid for the first date for a guy because he was poor. I still liked him. But if a guy has money and doesn't pay for the first date, he's out

[Username737]

Honestly I think the romantic thing to do after the first few is to take turns. Splitting the check just isn’t romantic but the guy shouldn’t have to pay ALL the time

[Unit1]

Gold diggers want your money. Don't feed them any. It's better spent on prostitutes any day anytime.

LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

😍😍😍😍😍

[MountAverage]

Any man who has an even remotely hard time in 2020 finding a woman who doesn't want these things to be equal between the partners, is either extremely dumb or there's something really wrong with him. In my 15 years of dating (since 2005) I have never - I repeat, never, not once, - dated a woman who expected the man to pay anything. Including my current and past girlfriends, obviously.

[SadBoiCari96]

I agree. After you've made up in your minds that this is the person you wanna be with then you split everything. Especially if you're married. I feel like it should be the rare occasion of the guy paying for everything when it comes to anniversaries, her birthday, valentines day, and any other special occasionally involving him and his gf/wife.

[Dargil]

Past tradition had men being primary or sole providers and "he pays" grew out of that.
Where we earn similarly in an ongoing relationship, cost sharing is reasonable.
However.
I think the man should solely pay for new startups until the relationship is seen as ongoing.