myReview

The things I want to say to you but I can't

Anonymous
The things I want to say to you but I cant

I'm not good at talking. For talking is necessary to be firm and be able to withstand the confrontation, something I'm still not completely able to do.

I'm slightly better at writing, maybe because the confrontation is avoided or at the very least delayed.

I hate discussions, confrontations and arguments, and that's why I prefer to get some distance when that happens.

Last night that wasn't possible. It was yet another argument regarding the fact that very often I don't sleep in that bed with you but prefer to lay off the heat in the living room. You got angry, sat there and wanted to see why I'm on the computer or just drooping around for good part of the night while you sleep.

The things I want to say to you but I cant

I don't like to argue and hate to raise my voice, so I went to grab my car keys to go out. You shouted even louder and blocked the door, and when you asked if I was going to another woman or driving up and down the mountains like last time we argued like that, I stupidly quipped out of anger that I was just going to drive off a bridge.

That's when you lost it and jumped on me, grabbing my keys and throwing them away and keeping me down with that maneuver I think it's used on unruly patients. I didn't struggle much because I didn't want to hurt you, and also because the whole thing paralyzed me psychologically.

After some ten minutes we calmed down and you let me go, but we barely talked and in the morning you drove me to work, since for you I can't be trusted with my car.

I have to recognize that we both have reasons to be angry with each other.

You are angry with me because of my flipflopping attitude, because in your opinion I'm soft and warm one moment, and cold and indifferent the next. You too are like that though - soliciting and a bit goofy with me, and inhumanly icy with many others.

It's exactly for your treatment of those other people that I do find myself resenting you and unable to accept or forgive some things you did, yet I still can't hate or wish you harm for that. You are just like the moon, warm and light on one side, dark and cold on the other.

The things I want to say to you but I cant

While you probably resent me because I put a lot of importance on appearance and other shallow things that you don't care much about. You have all the right to be angry at me because after almost a year of relationship I'm still very stiff and hesitant about being close and intimate with you, that I'm still very cautious and easy to turn off, that despite your best efforts to foster my interests and appeal to my tastes, I'm still too ashamed to happily reciprocate.

You are much more open about those things and many others of your passions, and I admit I genuinely admire that part of you. And I have to admit that many of these things really intrigue and interest me, while at the same time they positively terrorize me.

The things I want to say to you but I cant

Every time one such argument happens, I propose taking some distance and maybe break up. Every time you answers with a dry "no", because you say that the moments of bliss that we enjoy during ups are worth fighting for, and even if yet again I'm uncapable of saying it, I do agree with you. And it's true that on many things we understand each other far better than anyone else ever did. While everyone would shout, scorn or ridicule us, we understand each other and are the only ones capable of welcoming and understanding each other.

The things I want to say to you but I cant

And it's true that while you admitted your obsession with me, I'm obsessed with you the same way even if I don't admit it. I understand that my behaviors and fears both hurt and confuse you, and despite my wish of doing my best it seems I can only do the wrong thing.

Under all my sarcasm, I do believe we can have a future together, and this hope actually scares me. Because sometimes good things are far more difficult to accept than bad ones.

This is what I'd like to say to you, but I probably won't.

The things I want to say to you but I can't
19 Opinion