Girls, If Women Say They Want a Nice Guy, Why Do So Many Ignore the Quiet Ones?

[Shy_Steve]

I’m not writing this to complain or ask for pity. I’m just laying out the reality, because most people have no idea what dating looks like from the perspective of a shy guy. And frankly, it’s nothing like the romantic comedy image people love to believe.

Confidence is Everything, and That’s the Problem

Let’s be honest. In today’s dating world, confidence isn’t just attractive — it’s the barrier to entry. If you don’t show up bold, charming, and smooth from the start, you’re basically invisible.

Before anyone says, “Just work on yourself,” the truth is, we do. Many shy guys are emotionally intelligent, respectful, loyal, and genuinely thoughtful. But none of that matters unless it comes packaged in confident delivery.

Most Girls Don’t Even Notice Shy Guys Exist

We’re not saying anyone owes us attention. But let’s not pretend everyone gets a fair shot. Shy guys are skipped over constantly, not because we’re bad people, but because we don’t match what dating apps or nightlife culture rewards.

You want honesty? Here it is. Being polite, observant, and soft-spoken won’t get a swipe. A shirtless gym selfie and a cocky line will.

We’re Not Waiting to Be Saved — We Just Stopped Playing a Rigged Game

We’re not expecting women to approach us, and we’re not asking for rescue. What many of us have done is step back. Not because we’re weak, but because we’re tired of being overlooked for not fitting the mold.

And let’s be honest — the mold favors extroversion, not depth.

Think What You Want, But Don’t Pretend It’s Equal

If you prefer bold and outgoing guys, that’s completely fair. But don’t say you’re looking for a “nice guy” while consistently ignoring him when he doesn’t open with a slick joke or flirty smirk.

Not everyone is loud. Not everyone is flashy. Some of us express love quietly, and that used to matter.

Now, silence gets you nothing.

[Vneila21]

I think this is very perceptive of you! I get called shy often, and yes, I'm introverted. But I don't let that take over me anymore if you understand. I tried to fit in before and felt standoffish. I couldn't even get a word in without it falling on deaf ears or getting interrupted, I came to family gatherings so I wouldn't hear them say "where's Perry?" So, I feel your pain. I like being by myself, it's way less lonely than before. Being myself and not worrying what other's think (specifically my family) feels freeing. I've recently tried to find people who were open minded enough to talk about deep things. Almost everyone likes the surface level because it's deemed the safest. We usually see conflict as fighting and most conflict from the deep topics, and people are scared of being vulnerable which is why the dating system is screwed.

[TheRealPepperPotts]

Interesting take!

I can't speak for anyone else, but for me, it's more difficult to connect with a quiet guy. I seem outgoing in social settings, but I'm actually very introverted. It's difficult for me to relax if I am carrying the entire conversation. The lack of interaction can make me feel like I am annoying to a guy, or that he'd prefer I left him alone. I also feel intimidated if he isn't responding to any of my cues to engage, like asking him about what he enjoys doing. If I'm getting monosyllabic responses, I assume he's not interested in a conversation. Just my perspective.

[Shy_Steve]

That's okay to Guys to have that perspective.
Guys are not angry at Women just because they have a certain perspective.
They are angry because most Women do not care about their perspective

[DishLady]

"Nice guy" and "quiet guy" aren't the same thing. A guy can be nice (gentlemanly, smart, etc.) but also charismatic. The quiet guy tends to be emotionally distant and may come off as preoccupied and/or boring.

[Moirine]

I read all of your replies to the responses.

First you must know that shy and shy aren't compatible. I'm shy and have been approached by shy guys and I knew from the onset that it wasn't going to work even if we tried, you need the opposite to complete or compliment you. I agreed with everything everyone said "just because you're shy and quiet doesn't mean you're nice."

Secondly, you sound angry and mad at women even though you highlighted that you are not. I some how believe that you're also the type to play quiet and nice but then double down on your woman, make her feel like sh*t and eat away at her confidence. Remember this is what I'm getting from your message and replies.

Women experience what guys experience as well, being quiet, shy and not 🚫 being conventionally attractive is hard for women because you're at the back, forgotten about and remembered when someone needs something but you don't see us mad at men. We go out and find people we're compatible with.

People have preferences and you can't be mad at that but we somehow find a way to be mad at everything.

[Shy_Steve]

Thanks for your reply, but I think you’re making assumptions. Just because I’m pointing out a double standard doesn’t mean I’m angry or bitter. If a shy woman spoke about being overlooked, no one would accuse her of secretly being toxic.

And saying “shy and shy don’t work” is your experience, not a rule. Plenty of introverted couples connect deeply.

Shy women are still approached. Shy men often aren’t even noticed.

That’s the imbalance I’m talking about.

[Moirine]

Personally, I don't think it's a double standard. It's all about approaching people that you think might like you, just because you think they might doesn't mean they will or have to. No one owes you their time and I hope you get it and stop thinking that being nice and shy should automatically qualifies you to be liked by women. Put yourself out there and be the best person you can be and be genuine while at it.

I never said it was a rule 😐... The opposite not only attracts but compliments one another.

You think I was noticed in a group of gorgeous and extroverted girls? Never but I knew that there had to be someone out there who will love me for me.
You should have the same mindset

[Shy_Steve]

I actually agree with a lot of what you said — especially about not being owed anything and staying genuine. You're right that we should put ourselves out there and hope to find someone who appreciates us for who we are.

But I do think there's still a difference. Shy women like you may not be noticed first, but you're still more likely to be approached. Men, especially shy ones, are usually expected to do the approaching — or we stay invisible.

So yes, I get your mindset and respect it. I just think the starting line isn’t the same for both sides, and that’s the part I was trying to highlight.

[Brittanyrunner06]

Most girls like guys who are comfortable in social situations. A lot of quiet guys, or even girls, are quiet for a reason and usually (not always but a lot of the time) it’s because they feel socially inadequate and uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s due to anxiety issues or depression, and some people just never developed social skills because they were always quiet and unsocial. Like maybe they had really difficult upbringings. Good social skills are a sign of healthy emotional growth and poor social skills can def signify the opposite. Again, I’m not saying every quiet loner type has mental health issues (because they don’t) but I think a lot of them do (even if they’re just minor issues they can overcome).


In school there are also a lot of people so, if you’re open to trying to find someone, you typically want to approach someone who comes across as easily approachable. A lot of girls are also shy about being the one to begin talking to someone and want to be the one who gets approached. Quiet people can sometimes seem unapproachable.

[Anonymous]

This was a good read, thanks for sharing your experience served well chilled.
I wonder what you think of the connotations behind “the nice guy” from a dating perspective…

I don’t know shit about this from experience but I think we live in an extrovert’s world; and that bleeds into the lack of levels of connection that is pursued from the getgo. It’s almost like you need to pass the shallow waters to even get a chance to go into the deeper ones when the deep seas are far more wider and interesting 🧐

[Caroline91]

I think it just takes longer to get to know a shy guy. So he may need to look for a match in a different kind of environment. He might not standout at a purely social event like a party, but really show to advantage maybe in a volunteer position at an animal shelter, for instance.

[Shy_Steve]

I appreciate the thoughtful reply, but that still puts all the burden on the shy guy to find the perfect setting just to be noticed. Meanwhile, extroverted or confident guys get attention no matter where they are. If someone truly values character over flash, it shouldn’t take a carefully curated environment to see it.

[anon1903]

Because women also care a lot about looks. Not to mention, some of these guys aren't funny. Some of the nerds are the biggest misogynists you'll ever meet in history.

[Shy_Steve]

That’s fair some guys aren’t funny or respectful. But let’s not pretend that’s exclusive to shy or nerdy guys. The 'hot' or 'confident' ones women often chase can be just as toxic, if not worse. Yet they keep getting picked. So maybe the issue isn’t just how shy guys act, but what women are choosing to reward in the first place.

[anon1903]

If course. We tolerate the jock types bc they're handsome

[anon1903]

I've never done it, bc well I don't have anything in common with the jock types lol

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

If he’s quiet, how are we supposed to know he exists?

[Shy_Steve]

Funny how women always notice the loud guy across the room but claim they can’t notice the quiet one standing right next to them. Being quiet doesn’t mean being invisible.

It just means you weren’t looking unless he was performing. That says more about what you respond to than his existence.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

If someone made a point of blending into the walls, of making sure they’re NOT noticed, you wouldn’t notice them. That’s basic human brain chemistry. If you’re noticing women who make that same point, I could easily make the argument that you’re a creep looking to encroach on their space if you REALLY want to do this argument and, frankly, I don’t

[Shy_Steve]

So let me get this straight — when men don’t notice quiet women, we’re creeps. But when women don’t notice quiet men, it’s just 'human brain chemistry'? That’s not logic, that’s bias. You just proved my point without even realizing it.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

If you go out of your way to look for someone who is making a point of not being looked at, I would call that invasive at minimum.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

This whole thing is just the “nice guy” argument repackaged for your specific situation, and you’re smart enough to recognize that. Being quiet is not the only reason you can’t get a date, I promise you

[Shy_Steve]

Funny how when women want attention, being quiet is seen as mysterious or deep. But when a guy is quiet, suddenly he's creepy, invisible, or 'invasive' just for existing near someone. You don’t get to claim moral high ground while applying totally different rules to the exact same behavior based on gender. That’s not insight that’s selective reasoning, and it’s exactly why genuine quiet guys get overlooked while loud manipulators thrive.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Yeah, shocker, society has double standards. We been knew about this. It doesn’t change the fact that the advice is the same regardless of sex: if you’re lonely and want people to notice you while you’re just sitting there like a wallflower, you’ll be there forever. You have to make a move.

[Chocolatetwopointtwo]

how do we know a man is nice if he's quiet? js bc a man is quiet doesn't mean he's nice

[Shy_Steve]

You are right. Being quiet does not automatically make a guy nice. But it is interesting how quickly some women assume a quiet guy is not worth their time just because he does not go out of his way to impress them. That mindset is part of the problem. Women say they want a 'nice guy,' but offer zero opportunity unless he is confident and charming from the start. That is not being cautious. That is being dismissive and, honestly, a little rude. Then women turn around and say there are no good guys left. Maybe they were there - you just ignored them.

[Chocolatetwopointtwo]

no its not? women dont owe u shit js bc ur too much of a pussy to approach them.

[Shy_Steve]

So women do not owe men anything, yet still expect men to do everything. Approach first, take the risk, carry the conversation, and prove their worth just to get a sliver of attention. Then the same women turn around and insult the guys who do not play that game as weak or pathetic. That is not strong boundaries. That is hypocrisy. You cannot demand effort while offering nothing but attitude in return.

[Chocolatetwopointthr]

we never expect u to do that, nobody ever asked u to do that either. no ones forcing u to do anything.

[Shy_Steve]

@Chocolatetwopointthr The fact is we have to do that.
Otherwise we wind up alone.

[lyrem04]

Quiet guys doesn’t equal a nice guys.

[Shy_Steve]

Neither do Loud Guys.

[lyrem04]

Obviously

[Shy_Steve]

It just makes Women look delusional when they go after louder Guys then.

[lyrem04]

Umm if you say so… idek what you mean by “LOUD guys” ones that are more confident? It has nothing to do with being nice.. any guy whether introverted or extroverted can be NICE that’s just about your morals and values not confidence. You can be nice and “quiet” or “loudl

[Shy_Steve]

Exactly, Being loud or confident doesn’t mean a guy is moral either. But it’s funny how the so-called ‘nice guys’ get mocked, while the confident ones get excuse after excuse after they cheat, lie, or ghost. If morals mattered more than bravado, women wouldn’t keep learning the hard way.

[lyrem04]

Okay imma go on a rant… And so would so called- “nice guys” they would also cheat, lie, abuse and be given dozen of chances and that’s worse cuz you don’t expect it from them… it has nothing to do with being nice or confident and to me only entitled people would view themselves that way “I’m such a nice guy, I’m quiet and treat women well, why don’t they treat me the same and appreciate me and give those guys all the chances boohoo my life is miserable” and that’s why the “nice guy” persona seems so fake to me…a real nice guy wouldn’t even expect anything in return they would just know to be nice out of character and things won’t always go their way… so people pondering on this is confusing to me.. and they would know if they’re getting mocked it’s not bc they’re “nice or quiet” it’s either bc the people they encounter are crap and they should look elsewhere or there’s genuinely something about them that rubs people the wrong way. I hate that saying so much “nice people finish last” people are just dumb and down bad ash so they will stay with who they think they deserve if it’s a crap guy a woman stays with that’s on her… she can find a nice guy who is confident or wtv she wants him to be and will treat her well

[Shy_Steve]

I get where you’re coming from, but this is exactly why guys like me feel overlooked. I’m 42, still single, and have always been shy. I’ve never claimed to be entitled or expect women to give me a chance just because I’m ‘nice’.
I just wish being decent mattered more. But the truth is, women usually don’t notice us shy guys at all. It’s not about being fake or bitter, it’s just reality. If confidence is the first filter, then character barely gets seen. That’s why so many of us feel invisible, Not entitled.

[lyrem04]

It does matter people are just dumb and lack self love and will accept anything and same I’m always overlooked but don’t compare with other duche bags that are given chances