Is it ok for male and female friends to say "I love you" to each other?

[Anonymous]

I have male friend who went through some bad things in his life and decided that he needed to tell the people he cares about how he feels. I also love all my friends as I have few and cherish the ones I do have. We exchange I love you's when parting but have an absolutely platonic relationship in all other aspects. We have never even joked about having a relationship or anything beyond friendship. I don't understand why it is any different than telling my female friends I love you. My boyfriend has broken up with me over this.

Updates

+1 y

Update: Is it ok for me to thank you guys and gals. :)

[Anonymous]

The problem with mix gender platonic relationships is that they often blur the lines of what is friendship and what is romantic. For a lot, if not most, there are just some things you do and say that are only for your lover. Kissing on the lips, certain touches and hugs, sex, and some expressions of love. Saying "I love you" is one of those. Perhaps they may be the fault of the English language, but "love" does have all sorts of meanings. Like you said, you love your friends. It's not unusual. People love their families. Their pets. Their cars. But the meaning can be misinterpreted if said to another male. And I can see where your ex is coming from. As I'm sure you would feel insecure if he said it to a female friend. Don't lie, you would. It's human nature. We all would. All these actions that blur that line are fine when you're single. Half the time they're covering up for deeper feelings anyways, whether one-sided or not. But once you enter a serious relationship, yes, compromises and changes do have to be made. It's the commitment to the relationship. I think some people fail to see that when you're in a relationship you're not single, so you can't act like you are. You are now sharing your life with someone and both people need to readjust their lives. If you're not willing to make little changes here and there, then you're not ready to share your life with someone because honestly, this argument that you and your ex had is petty sh*t.

[Anonymous]

generally, its definitely okay to tell your guyfriends and female friends I love you...they can just be a pal, a bud, a bro/sis...ive said it to my guyfriends when they were there for me...

however when you're in a relationship with someone else, or live in together, or engaged, or married...as much as it sucks, you can't have the same friendships with the opposite sex anymore...you can't hug them or hop on their back, or push them in a lake or say I love you like you used to even though there is no attraction or wants beyond friendship. Sometimes people who do go against this norm..they eventually end up cheating on their partner and develop feelings...it sort of comes from a guilty conscience, like now that you're tied down with your partner, you know for a fact you can't date anyone else, but you want what you can't have, therefore you cross the limit. Especially with guys...who are all about rage and excitement and hunting, men are known to cheat more than women because they like crossing their limit. Anyways, I hope this helps, personally, I think guyfriends and female friends are only temporary. You can only be 'just friends' for so long...and then once you start falling for them, things get complicated and you can never be the same again. Ever heard of the saying 'love is friendship set on fire?'

[mfnconvict]

I think you can absolutely express your love whether in a relationship or not. As long as both parties are clear that it is platonic then it shouldn't be a problem, if the partner doesn't understand that then he doesn't trust the bond of his own relationship and that is a problem in itself.

[thisfinefeline]

I have no problem saying I love you to all my close friends, guys and girls. You can say I love you to brothers and sisters so I don't see why you can't say it to friends who are as close as siblings. I do only say it to friends that I don't have any emotional tension with though. There is a guy friend I have and we've been on and off very friendly friends, I don't think I could exchange I love yous with him because that would just feel a little weird because of how our relationship is. I do tell my other guy friends I love them occasionally because I know we're like brothers and sisters. I would be careful about saying this if I had a boyfriend because if I were in his place I'd be a little uneasy. I guess it depends on where everyone's understanding is.

[palek]

In my experience, it's absolutely unhealthy for men and women to establish frienships, without any anticipation of something more developing. Further, in my opinion, it's flat-out relationship-suicide for a man or woman to maintain a friendship with the opposite sex when s/he is either married or in a commited relationship. You may wish to disagree with me on this, yet this will be hard, since you boyfriend left for this very reason. Going to the point of exchanging, "i love you's" with your male friend, is more than I can begin to fathom. Each man gets one woman, each woman gets one man. Those are simply the rules, Always have been, always will be. Men and women are hard-wired for physical attraction, which precludes any possibility of the aforementioned. All the best.

[nova2k]

So seclusion is the only way to a bright and sunny future with only one person? From what form of medieval philosophy does that come about? Relationships vary like any other social structure. You don't point all your feelings at one person, alone. Maybe her boyfriend was too insecure to accept that she can "love" a lot of people on various tiers.

[palek]

You might do well to note, that every other respondent to this post disagrees with you. You might also consider, that the boyfriend of the woman posting the question has left her as he was unwilling to deal with the situation. You're partly right in associating the cause and effect in question with medievil mindsets, as this type of behavior has bred discord for as long as humankind has walked the earth. This will not change, as we are predisposed to it.

[nova2k]

What I note...is a lack of perspective. We all have friends we love. Some of them are members of the opposite sex. It doesn't mean you're one drunken night away from social disaster. If you can't accept that a person has emotions tied up in something other than just yourself, then you can't fully understand or appreciate the bond between the two of you. And if you feel that you are predisposed to living by these "rules", then enjoy your self-fulfilling prophecy. Seems like the boyfriend did..

[palek]

We can all choose to make our own "rules", at our own peril. For instance, I could choose to marry, and then decide that I'm far too enlightened to bother coming home every night. After all, shouldn't my wife trust me. Why "seclude" myself next to her in bed every night, when I might have other places I'd rather stay on a given night. Why should I be tied down like some kind of possession. I'm not going to surrender my individuality for the sake of her lack of trust. Is that gonna fly?

[nova2k]

If you married someone on the pretenses that you wouldn't be coming home most nights, then..yeah. It'd fly. And if you marry someone on the grounds of an open relationship, it's the same situation. You enter into any relationship with certain understandings and agreements. If the questioner and the boyfriend agreed upon this kind of behavior from the beginning, then there would be no argument. She obviously was unaware of his feelings on the subject. He may have been as well.

[palek]

It's certainly a free country, and people are at liberty to spend whatever portion of their lives trying to pound square pegs into round holes. We can see from the similarity of the responses to this question, how most people feel as to the subject. But, each to their own. It just puzzles me to see people wandering in the dark, and wondering why their lives have left nothing but failed relationships in their wake. I was happily married for 26 years, with rarely a disagreement of any kind. You?

[nova2k]

Square is round to other people. What works for you isn't true for everyone else. Failed relationships don't necessarily mean a failed love life, in that you learn something from each experience and can still get a lot out of it before the end. She learned something about communication and boundaries in this one. I don't think she did anything wrong, and if he was unwilling to deal with her expressing those sentiments to other people than he'll have to find someone who feels the same way.

[palek]

I agree in a sense. She seemed honestly puzzled over the reaction of her b/f, and I only meant to point out that if she wants to have male friends on the side, especially ones she exchanges "I loves you's" with, this is going to drive-away the great percentage of men she might otherwise have a serious relationship with. Perhaps it's as it should be in this. It might be a good policy in the future to tell any prospective b/f, if you ever ask me to choose between you an my male friend, or friends

[palek]

You might as well know going into this, I'll choose them over you. This should save a lot of wasted time and heartache.

[nova2k]

That's probably the best way to go about it. In a tight-knit group, your friends will usually come first, and if that kind of sentiment drives a percentage of people away, then maybe it's for the best. But if you're willing to compromise in order to sustain a new relationship, then...that's the choice you have to make.

[Dollface-86]

Bullsh*t. I know that since you are old and part of another generation the rules were different. Its 2009 and the rules are different. personally think you are a moron if you actually think that guys and girls can't just be friends. I have a few guy friends in my life that I would practically consider siblings. There are totally and completely just platonic. I mean the thought of being with them in a sexual way actually kind of makes me pretty nausiated. And they feel the same about me that way

[Dollface-86]

I wouldn't wanna get into a relationship with someone who was willing to drop all of his friends just because they were female. As long as we both know that I'm the only one you wanna be with I could care less. Its just an ignorent stone age mentality. What would concern me is if he did dump all his female friends. It would make me think that maybe he couldn't control himself or had some kind of psychological issue. I'm not going to dump the people in my life that care about me and have had my back.

[palek]

Don't hold back, just say what's on your mind! lol. I'm relatively old, but I've spent much my life in the music biz, so I've seen a bit. Let me clarify. Men and women may well have "friends" of the opposite gender, but, once they enter into a long-term, commited relationship (say, marriage if this isn't too stone-age) the dynamics change. If you choose to spend regular alone time with one, or many, of your male friends, and not welcome your husband to be involved, you're asking for trouble.

[palek]

Marriage necessarily requires both sexual and emotional fidelity. You may have heard the stone-age allusions to a husband and wife as being "joined together", or your mate being referred to as 'your other half", or "the two shall be as one". If your mate isn't included, or invited along into your circle of friends, then trust will eventually erode. Marriages are built on trust, but it must be maintained. Just reference the questions relating to this issue on this site alone.

[20Questions]

'Men and women are hard-wired for physical attraction'

I think this line is true & says it all.

[palek]

Sure medieval thinkers uniformly believed the world was flat, but they also knew that should a man stick his hand in a fire he'd get burned. Some things don't change as they're part of the grand design, and sexual tension between men and women is one of them. Try as you may to have it your way you'd might as well pee in the wind always hoping for a different result.

[seannn_broww]

who ever said that guys and girls can't be friends is stupid, I think that being secluded to only one sex of friends is more of a hinder that a help. most of my friends are girls.. my best friend is a popular girl may age, she has a boyfriend and we exchange X's and O's along with a kiss emoji and an I love you every night... we go out to movies and at the end of the we hug and say i love you. her boyfriend knows this and is fine with it, if you are going to do this just tell her boyfriend that your not going to be a threat. it works with almost any boyfriend.

- S

[nova2k]

I call bullsh*t on this. Unless you are so insecure that you can't see the difference between platonic and romantic relationships, then there is no reason to get upset. People love their friends. People tell their friends. People display physical, non-erotic (or in some cases, merely humorous-erotic) gestures of their affection towards their friends. Ceasing to do so once you are in a "relationship" with someone is to deny yourself the character traits that make you who you are. It's a selfish notion to presume people will withhold affection from other people they care about for one person.

They are your friends. They will probably be around longer than most lovers. Enjoy them.

[XxSunshinexX]

I agree.

[PintoCat]

I agree, if you both are comfortable with it.

[NelsBells69]

Well you brought that break up on yourself. You just SHOWED your now ex that you were not 100% committed to that relationship. You not only showed and told your guy friend that he may one day have a chance with you but you also stepped outside of your relationship and severely disrespected your now ex.
No it is not normal to tell friends of the opposite gender that you love them. It's inappropriate. Also, it's one of the top indicators that the person saying it to their opposite gender friends WILL cheat in. the future or already are, maybe not physically but emotionally, most definitely. When I was in Infidelity Trauma Therapy, we were educated on what is considered cheating. Even keeping lose contact with an ex is cheating as there are unresolved issues there is another one and so is keeping your exes or former hook ups on social media and also commenting on their posts or liking their pictures on instagram or snap. But yeah you committed emotional infidelity right in front of your now ex. That is trashy behavior.

[Dollface-86]

I agree with nova2k. I have a best friend named david. though he is very good looking we are completely platonic. He has had my back and been a great friend to me since day one, and vice versa. We care about each other very much. We are like family. And yes we say "love you" or "i love you and I'll talk to you later" all the time. Doesn't mean we secretly do love love each other. I tell my girl friends I love then and some of my guy friends I love them. People need to know the difference between I love you's between friends and when its meant in a romantic way. I mean seriously. Does he get mad when you tell your dad, grandpa, or male cousin that you love them? Its just dumb and chilish.

[Anonymous]

I have plenty of male friends that I say "i love you" to, and those relationships are completely platonic. Because just because they are male doesn't make them any less significant to me than my female friends. I love all my friends and I don't see why it is such a big deal "to love them" as friends. Maybe your boyfriend just felt insecure about it. Did you try explaining to him that you only "love" them as friends, just like you "love" your female friends? My ex boyfriend didn't really like it so much that I told my male friends that I loved them, but he learned to accept it because I had told them that I loved them long before me and him ever knew each other.

[random-ren]

When my male friend said he loved me, it brought up a lot of confused feelings from me towards him. Even though from his end it was purely platonic, I overthought about it and it cause me a lot of stress. But I'm the type that takes 'i love you' seriously in the romantic sense whenever it comes from a male. Coming from my female friends though, there's no problem. Sure I don't say it back since I feel psychologically restricted to only use it in a serious relationship, but I show I appreciate them with other words.

[mfnconvict]

I too take the 3 magic words very seriously. Though in recent months I've realised that there is more than one form of love. I would never say it unless I meant it, even to my mother, which is sad I guess. However now I've realised after recent events that it is important that the people you care about know it, whether they be romantic or platonic. I love certain friends of mine who are guys and girls and I let them know about it. We are clear that it's platonic and that is all that matters.

[FunkyMonkee]

Perfectly fine!! In college, I was a member of the Art club and, anytime someone came or left the art office, anyone in it would give them hugs and in some cases, profess their love for them. We had a semi-monthly art journal called, "Luv-E-Chuther".

[sweet17]

I once had a guy friend. Both of us said "I love you" to eachother. We were really good friends...that's it.

You see, it all depends on how you mean it.

[Anonymous]

I think it's fine so long as all parties are on the same page about what it means. On the other hand, it makes sense that a sigificant other would feel threatened by that. In that case, I would refrain from saying it, out of sensitivity to the partner.

[20Questions]

I think its a non-issue outside of a relationship. But it definately breaks the laws of intimacy between a couple within. How would you feel if your man told a platonic female friend 'I love you'?

[NelsBells69]

Thank you! I said the exact thing of how would they feel if I said to one of my male friends. I got my purse thrown and my things broken and was told to "Get the F out."

[Reeses-pieces777]

i only say 'i love you' to my boyfriend and I expect him to say it only to me- of course sometimes he and I can sarcastically say it to a member of the opposite sex but I only say those words to my boyfriend who I do love so.

[SamiiStarr]

Well then your ex was a total jerk. I say I Love You to my male friends all the time. So, if you're ex had a problem with that he was probably an insecure LOSER ! You were also probably too good for him. ;)

[OneViewpoint]

The problem is that one or the other often can't just keep it platonic and they cat feelings at some point. But yeah, it's theoretically fine if it stays platonic.

[Anonymous]

My best friend is a girl and we say that to each other very frequently. We also call each other cute, pretty, etc. but at the end of the day we aren't romantic. From how I see it, it's completely fine to say "I love you" if both friends know that the love in this context is friendship.

[NelsBells69]

So you're like ok with a non committed relationship? Because if you do this when you have a girlfriend, she's going to feel so disrespected that she's going to cheat on you.

[punkxxeve]

that's ridiculous. I too tell my friends that all the time. me and my ex even tell that to each other sometimes, which is a different story, but it means the same as it does with my girlfriends. he sounds waaaaay to insecure.

[007kingifrit]

men and women are never friends, this is progressing into a relationship if you are saying this. which is fine

[boobliker]

then he is the one that has the problem of love?

[mommymommy]

No, it's not

[Anonymous]

yes