I don't feel deep, consuming passion for my boyfriend?

[helpha]

We are best friends, he treats me better than I've ever been treated, and he is perfect as a boyfriend. We get each other 100% and everything is alwyas great, BUT I always feel like there is one thing missing. In past relatioships I've had moments where my body tingles, I feel soul-connected to exes by looking them in their eyes, and I don't NEED words or cheesy things to fulfill me, because I feel that deep-love connection. WIth my current guy there IS romance and affection, but not the deep, consuming, unforgettable kind. I

I know he wants to possibly marry me one day, and I can imagine it sometimes too, but I NEED that feeling. Waht do you think I should do? I don't want to break up with him, he's my closest person and I love him. SHould I assume we just won't get married because of this lacking element? Would marrying someone who gives me all the comfort and happiness in the world but little passion be considered settling?

Updates

+1 y

My last relationship was the MAX of passion, almsot every moment was deep, serious, and touching, and this one is lighter and brings me more happiness but less of that spiritual close connection. I don't know if it's my mind confusing passion for instability from past relationships, but I don;t know why i don't feel it for my current guy the way I have in the past.

[dolphiny]

how long have you guys been together? you might just be going through a phase where you're a little "bored", but still love him of course. i feel the same way as you, other than something missing. the way you described your relationship is pretty much just how i feel about mine. i think there have been times where i have felt like maybe something will go wrong.. maybe it's not meant to be.. but that was just my anxiety, and feeling worried for the future. i've always had a deep passion for him and i think i always will, no matter what!
you guys sound really great together, and this is something really special. i think maybe you feel like you're too good together, so you think it's not right. you know what i mean?
i think marriage can enhance your relationship and bring you closer, since you are already really close as a couple. but i wouldn't use that as a reason to get married. you've gotta really want to be with him and feel comfortable with the idea of marrying him.
i don't think that would be considered just settling. i think you may be going through a little phase like i said, or the passion is just something you both need to work on!

[helpha]

we have been together 10 months, but i felt this way about 6 months through. He is very verbal, goofy, and baseline with romance and i'm very deep and spiritual, its the only difference we have

[dolphiny]

after reading your comments on other opinions, i think maybe you feel a little bored with the relationship only because its so much different than what you're used to. you're not getting as much attention maybe through the fighting and partying and whatever else. you may be confusing the passion with the excitement of the relationship. talk to him about how you feel, and see if you two can work on it together.

[little_bird1]

You are dumb and have high expectations. Why do you NEED that feeling? Are you gonna die without it? Sure, you can go get a new guy and have that feeling, but I assure you it will disappear after a while. And then what did you do? Do you really think that couples that have been married for like 20 years still have that feeling? Nope. You are immature and you live in a fairy tail. How about you grow up and settle with someone who loves you, respects you, and with whom you the connection. If this worries you then break up with him and let him find someone better, you don't deserve him.

[helpha]

If you believe that marrying someone without passion or romance that's deeper than surface level than you have a close-minded and empty life and relationships. Deep human interaction is really important to me as a person.

[little_bird1]

Then why the hell did you got in a relationship with him in the first place? How long have you been together? If you didn't feel it at all from the start, then ye dump him. But if you just "lost" it then you are wrong. I'm just never even getting into a relationship without passion or romance, and like 2 weeks are enough to know if it's there or not.

[9mfeo]

Have you ever raised this concern with him? "I love you but I don't feel any passion for you so I don't know if I could ever marry you." Maybe he feels the same way.

[alfonsosloan45]

She needs to explain why she doesn't feel passion.

Love is a journey not a moment. You can very well feel passion for someone later on in life.

[9mfeo]

@alfonsosloan45 that's not been my experience. If I am not passionate about someone in the beginning, I never will be.

[alfonsosloan45]

Then describe how one gets passion? If you answer is "it just comes to you" then that is a juvenile answer because it doesn't just magically appear. Magic doesn't exist.

[alfonsosloan45]

@9mfeo

[9mfeo]

@alfonsosloan45 if I am not attracted to someone in the beginning, I never am. Attraction is mostly involuntary. For me, passion is deeply tied to attraction.

[truthbeknown]

Sounds like this guy is 90% perfect for you as a lover, and 100% perfect for you as a really good friend. As of right now, if you did marry him, you would be "settling." This doesn't mean you would never be able to find what you are looking for with him. It may develop later between you two. You are only 20. Marriage should come a bit later. I would reevaluate this in a year or two.

[helpha]

Im worried if I stay with him for a few years I will be very attached and still feel the same way, knowing i can never marry him. I'd feel so guilty if i wasted his time too, he's 27 so he's in that place.

[truthbeknown]

Ah, I see. Rock and a hard place, for sure! Do you know how he feels?

[helpha]

Yes, we talked about it last night and he said by the time he's 30 he's already too old to be a dad, so he feels short on time. I know he thinks we're perfect together and I know he wants to marry me. He told me last night "Im with you until you tell me no, even if you don't want to marry the memories with you are worth it".

[truthbeknown]

Ok, well I think 30 is the minimum age to start a family, not maximum, but whatever. This is where maybe the age gap is starting to show up as a problem. You are also in different points in your life. I am sure at 20 you are still in school or just getting done and starting fresh in a career? Not the best time to start a family. I don't think him pressuring you in any way to start a family, because his biological clock is ticking, is a solid reason to stick it out with him. The whole thing just seems messy and now rushed too.

[helpha]

Well, i would never ever rush into marriage, thats the thing. i want to marry my soulmate and i wouldn't marry unelss i was positive of my choice. he seems different though, he's just looking for a companion to marry.

[truthbeknown]

Yep, red flag right there. I hope you are able to figure something positive out!

[JuicyBrain]

Maybe you should stop for a moment to think and realize what you have. You sound like someone who's been offered a bmw but doesn't like the color. It almost sounds like you need more drama. Like he is so kind to you that he's boring. What should he do to awaken the tingle? What is it that is missing exactly?

[helpha]

That's the thing. Past relationships were always unstable, so i confuse that with excitement. we are VERY comfortable and safe and friendship-based, which i'm not used to. I'm used to relationships where I party, fight with the person, break up, get back together, fight for attention, etc, and with him it's actual normal and safe. I'm not sure how to fix my mindset or bring in more excitement to our relationship. Also, i'm 20 and he's 27 so there's an age barrier.

[JuicyBrain]

You can see by yourself that it is wrong. Why not channeling that into a sport or a passion like rock climbing or something? Try to find a different way of getting what you seek. Maybe you could try role play to add some spice into the mix?

[alfonsosloan45]

Describe how one obtains this passion? If you can't describe it then you are living in fantasy land because the ideology of "two souls connecting" comes from Hollywood. You don't simply look at someone and feel passion.

Love is a journey not a moment.

[helpha]

I think it's just there. It's a soul, deep connection and it's excitement and intensity. I don't feel excitement with him, that's where the problem comes in.

[alfonsosloan45]

@asker The problem is with you clearly because what you are describing comes from romance novels. I know this because of your explanation "it is just there." Passion is not just there. It doesn't magically appear. With the very same logic you might as well say you believe in magic. Romance novels and movies portray a connection that is implied in most of the media they create, which is what creates this situation.

[helpha]

But I have felt this feeling before, very strongly, but I don't feel it with him..

[alfonsosloan45]

Just because you have felt this feeling before means nothing. That doesn't mean it exists. You could be mistaking it for another feeling like respect, attraction, or anything else. @asker

[alfonsosloan45]

@asker it also hurts you current relationship because you are going to end it for a reason that you don't even fully understand yourself.

[Anonymous]

"Would marrying someone who gives me all the comfort and happiness in the world but little passion be considered settling?"

Yes, it would indeed. You can't stay with this guy, and I think you know that deep down. Stop wasting his time -- and yours. Give him the freedom to be with a woman who adores him as much as he deserves.

[Anonymous]

I think you should search for that feeling you are missing because honestly it is worth it, even if that means finding a new man.

[helpha]

I have had that feeling in the past, very strongly, but there's never been safety and comfort with those people. I'm worried if I leave my guy now I'll regret it forever because we are completely perfect together but our views on passion are different - his is very goofy and baseline and mine is deep and spiritual.

[Opinion Owner]

Go with your gut, if you feel it is right then do it.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like it's lacking romantic and sexual chemistry

[Anonymous]

Talk to him about it

[helpha]

I have. He has made small adjustments but its' not enough