My husband sufferers from retroactive jealousy and it is wearing on our relationship, how does he live in the now with us?

[Anonymous]

Let me start off by saying if you have nothing constructive to say please don't post. I'm not here for you to tell me or my husband negative, destructive comments. We are seeking different options and this is something else we are trying. So two years ago my now husband and I had become friends, we technically knew each other for 4 years. But a little over two years ago I was dating someone else, who I had been with for about 9 months already, way longer than I should considering how he treated me. But back then I had become friends with my current husband, we spent a good amount of time together considering we shared the same passion and in the process naturally got to know one another. During the time of being friends we knew one another was a great person, hence the reason we were such good friends. After a couple months of being friends and my boyfriend being such a leech that making me feel bad about myself, I searched for my own place and finally got one once I was able to financially afford it. My best friend being my best friend was there for me the few days after I finally got out of that bad situation. What we didn't expect was that once we hung out and really got to connect on a even deeper level that we would fall in love within the week. After that we agreed we felt like each other was the one and it was start of the perfect relationship. We are truly wonderful together. Last year we got married because we know we want to spend the rest of our lives together. This year we have been dealing with an issue of retroactive jealousy, he is currently resenting me for the time we were friends because he says that he started having feeling for me the couple months before we dated. He feels like I chose my ex over him because he was laying there thinking about wanting to be with me I was sleeping with my ex. We don't want to end our relationship. He doesn't feel like I put him first back then, even though he is my world now. I don't know how he "let's go" of this?

[Ddwow566]

I completely understand what he’s feeling and as someone who suffers from retroactive jealousy I know that just saying “it’s in the past” doesn’t work. You should try to get him to relate to you. Maybe you didn’t leave your ex because you were afraid so he can relate to something he was afraid of too. I think it’s important for you not to judge him for suffering from this it’s something that can't always be helped but for sure he should put some effort on his end to let go of the past. He can also do some personal payback where he can think of a girl he’s had sex with and see her as better than you that way he “wins” in his own head just to calm things. Ofcorse not tell you about it though.

[Cmasterson]

I would say that even though he was feeling this way, how were you to know that you two would've worked, how could you leave your relaltionship just because you knew him and enjoyed him, you were comfortable in that relationship thats why it lasted as long as it does, doesn't mean you were inlove but you were scared to not have anyone I guess. How could you have put him first when you had someone, it's not fair however you did make steps to change which is why you two are married now. The past is something you can't change and you can only work on being better now. Tell him that

[Anonymous]

I guess u can't make him change the way he thinks about this point yet u can prove to him that he is ur priority maybe if u don't have his babies yet u can think of this?

[Asker]

I do try to make him feel like a priority, I treat him like he has never been treated before and do things I have never done for anyone. I love him unconditionally and support him, willing to do anything for him, I make his life better at least that's what he tells me. I have taken him to see the world, and for the first time want to be married and have a family. Thank you for your advice

[Opinion Owner]

it sounds awesome what you are doing. As a guy , my girlfriend argued with me when I asked her to quit talking with a guy I disliked. she was so protective about him. Even though she stopped I kinda felt stupid and worthless when she protected him because he was her friend (which I later learned to realize) but guys get hurt as much as girls do. Since he brings it up often then he seems to get stuck in the past which is weird since u do all of those things. Good luck and u are welcome.