Grass is greener syndrome, regretting letting me go, or closure?

[Anonymous]

Here's the story:
I broke up with my ex 2 years ago. He tried to get me back for a year, but I wasn't ready. After that year passed, I met with him because I felt like I owed him an explanation, not to try to get back together. It was then that he told me he was in a relationship. So I let go and walked away. He started texting me telling me how much he missed me. So we met again and I told him I'd be open to trying things again. After a month of thinking about it, he decided to stay where he was. Out of the blue, a few months later he would text "hi" and nothing else. When I responded, he wouldn't say anything else. So, I tried to talk to him once more, and he said he would not change his mind. So I let go completely, didn't contact him again, only responded. A week later the "hi" text shows up again, and then again until I get upset and ask him what he wants... he says is it wrong to say? I say "not its not, hi"... so months pass, he texts me for my birthday, Christmas, and New Years which I ignore for moving on sakes... a week ago, I get 2 missed calls from him and he asks me was he really that bad of a bf? Says he was thinking about things with us, and his role in the breakup... He has not broken up with her... how should I interpret this? Whats his deal? I thought we had closure already when he chose to stay in his relationship... so... whats happening here? Why would you continue to contact an ex who is ignoring you? And why would you still be questioning your last relationship if you're confident in your new one?

[ak666]

I embarrassingly did similar things when I was brokenhearted.

First I tried to repeatedly broadcast that I was happy with my new relationship (while with a girlfriend I couldn't really have feelings for, since I was still in love with my ex). It was a childish tactic, trying to make her kind of jealous and hiding my vulnerability.

I was also simultaneously trying to lie to myself and try to convince myself that I liked the new girl I was dating, when in actuality I was getting depressed about all the things she didn't have in common with my ex.

I let her go eventually when I realized I was incapable of having any real feelings for her beyond "she's pretty and nice" and was using her just to avoid the lonely prospect of an empty bed.

I don't know if your ex is doing this, but it sounds like he might still feel for you. I started to get over my ex when I finally completely cut her out of my life, threw away all her pictures, e-mails, even moved to a new place from where I was living since walking around even made me remember the footsteps we took together. It's kind of cruel to remain friends with someone who still has feelings for you, even though you probably don't mean to be.

[Asker]

Thank you for your input. I'm honestly not trying to be his friend. I told him I wanted to work things out and I still do. I have not initiated any contact with him, just responded but he keeps contacting for one reason or another. He chose to stay with her though... so I'm not sure how he really feels...

[ak666]

If he's like I was, he's staying with her since she's a surefire thing, while the chances of getting back together with my ex were probably close to 0%.

[ak666]

Just in general for relationships, erratic behavior is usually a sign of internal conflict. One side of him might want you out of his life forever so that he stops suffering, another side might miss you terribly. I could be reading this wrong, I'm projecting past myself in this situation, but that's how I was back then.

[Asker]

I think you may be on to something here. He may be scared to take a chance due to possible rejection. Plus, I feel like if he was over me then he wouldn't need to know what went wrong in our relationship after so much time. It wouldn't matter, right? That would be the case with me but guys are different...

[Asker]

Could be true too... but I don't know how he wants me out of his life forever if he keeps reaching out... I've ignored him at least 3 times but he pushes past it...

[ak666]

What do you think about him?

[Asker]

I love him... don't want anyone else... told him that but I guess he stayed with here because it was the right thing to do even though he still had feelings for me... now it seems to be catching uo with him... I guess...

[ak666]

Oh wait, did he break up with you or you him?

[Asker]

I broke up with him. I knew he was ready for marriage and I wasn't, and didn't think it was fair for me to stay with him... I'm not upset that he has a girlfriend. It just seems like he won't let me walk away completely...

[ak666]

If he was ready for marriage at the time of break up, probably those feelings for you are going to linger for quite some time. The traumatic break-up I had was with a fiance who actually agreed to marry me, but one night of total emotional immaturity on my part ruined what, at the time, I thought was the best thing that ever happened in my life.

I'd about any grand confessions here of love to him, avoid all the drama, but maybe you could meet up with him and talk a bit in a friendly and fun way, enjoy things like old times. It's possible he still has some feelings for you.

[ak666]

I'd about [/avoid] any grand confessions here [...]

[Asker]

Ok, thats what I have been doing, just keeping things light, and letting him come to me if he wants. That's why I haven't reached out, but remain receptive to his contact. If its meant to be it will be... thank you so much for your help... I greatly appreciate it!

[Asker]

Ok, I have one more question. Do you think it would be wise for me to call him and ask him why he keeps contacting me?

[ak666]

How about call him and arrange to meet up? Delicate subjects are often best discussed in person, ideally with some physical proximity between you two.

[Asker]

No, I don't think he's going to do that out of respect for his girlfriend. He's probably worried that he won't be able to control his emotions... just like he was the last time we met up... I just don't know what to make of it. When he asked me was he a bad boyfriend, his voice was so shaky, I thought he was about to cry... so I don't know...

[ak666]

Sounds very complicated -- but if he still has feelings for you, his current girlfriend might not be right for him. Maybe you can keep it to a phone call but try to use a very gentle tone.

[Asker]

Yes, thats what I'm thinking. If she was the right girl, he wouldn't be contacting me... and definitely not asking me was he a bad boyfriend... I'm just not sure what he wants... maybe he wants a second chance. I thought it was closure, but we had this discussion last year, so it can't be that... or maybe that didn't give him enough closure...

[DogEatsCat]

He wants a side chick and has to be careful when he texts or calls so she won't find out.

[Asker]

Thats could be true, but judging by his personality I don't think thats the case. If it was about sex, that topic would've come up already... it hasn't, not once... in fact, no sexual content whatsoever...

[DogEatsCat]

Maybe he is still wrestling with the idea himself and stops at hi because what he wants to say feels wrong to him but at the same time he wants to say more.

[Asker]

Hmmmm... you got an interesting point there. He may want to say more, but it may feel wrong because he's with someone, and he may want to do right by her but can't control how he feels. Just wonder what others think...

[DogEatsCat]

Sometimes I text someone wanting to say something but I am not sure if I should so I just say Hi.

[Asker]

Ok, that makes since. So let me ask you something, if you text an ex that you're over lets say, twice, and she ignores you both times, do you text a third time? Why or why not?

[DogEatsCat]

I probably will just hoping that eventually something willl change to the way I want it to

[Asker]

Ok, if thats the case, what type of change would you be looking for... validation? Just a response in general, and if so, why? Or is it more than that?

[DogEatsCat]

Well first I would hope she answered at all so the door is open to other discussions later down the road, then I would slowly sneak in some semi-sexual talk to see if you get offended or are responsive in kind, then if you were okay with sexting I would ask if you wanted to meet on the side maybe even telling you that I wanted you back and the other is on her way out so you wouldn't be like "no you're with her" because you would think it was ending leaving things open to rekindle with you.

[Asker]

Ok, so your overall conclusion would be what, rekindling things for a relationship, or just wanting sex? Because he hasn't mentioned sex at all, not one innuendo. Everytime we talk, he sounds kinda emotional... definitely not comfortable...

[DogEatsCat]

He has to ease into that topic or he might put you off.

[Asker]

After a year though? I'm just asking because I've dealt with guys who just wanted sex and they never took that long getting to that point... and why would he want to know where he went wrong in the relationship if it was just about sex? Seems like too much effort to have sex with an ex... ex sex is usually easy to get...

[DogEatsCat]

If he is getting some anywhere there is not so much pressure to get it somewhere else so you can take some time. And wanting to know what went wrong is a way to make sure he could fix it to help assure you would give it a try especially while he has another woman.

[Asker]

Ok, interesting view. So, is sex that much of a motivator for men that they would actually put that much effort into getting some from a woman they had already? Even after this woman has ignored you multiple times? If so, thats crazy... lol I'm a woman but the only way I'm pushing past someone ignoring me is if I still have feelings for them. Other than that there is no reason to... right? If no feelings are involved then you wouldn't care right?

[DogEatsCat]

Men have killed over sex is that a good example of how much of a motivator it can be?

[Asker]

It tend to think that if they killed over it, then it was deeper than sex... they may not want to admit it, but it had to be... oh, and I forgot to mention that he saw a few of my relatives in the store, and asked them about me, but has not once asked me about me... is it weird that he would ask them about me instead of asking me, and he's been in contact with me?

[DogEatsCat]

Sometimes it is easier to ask around than to ask directly due to fear of how the other person would take it.

[Asker]

That makes sense, but why ask around if you've reached out directly to that person on a few occaisions? Thats like if me, you, and another person were talking, and I ask the other person how you are, when you're standing right there... lol I think he doesn't wanna hear if I'm dating someone else... cause I don't see any other reason

[DogEatsCat]

But if you ask me directly and I think your up to something and I take offense I would probably shut down with you so you ask fred about me to advoid that.

[Asker]

Hmmm... ok, your view makes sense... But that would be if it was random right? I mean if you've reached out to the person and established that you're not mad at each other then why worry about whether I'd be offended? I mean, they weren't worried about it when they reached out to you...

[DogEatsCat]

Because if we just started talking again and I just went all out with you you might be offended but if we just started talking again and I ask others about you you might not even know to get offended.

[Asker]

Yeah, but it'll be easier to ease your way into asking me if you're establishing contact with me and I'm receptive... this thing with him is crazy lol

[DogEatsCat]

True.

[Asker]

Well thank you for your input. I got 2 guys with 2 different opinions... can't narrow it down lol

[DogEatsCat]

I am just telling you stuff I have done compared to how his actions seem.

[Asker]

Ok, but did you wait longer than a year to get to the point?

[DogEatsCat]

No went too far now I had to scale way back and try to sly it in again but always looking for the next chance or the next one to step in and take her place though so kind of still at it.

[Asker]

Ok, and you would do that solely for the purpose of sex?

[DogEatsCat]

Hell yes.

[Asker]

Lol that is crazy... he could be spending that time trying to get sex from somebody else

[DheElon]

Don't waste your time block him. Your picking an old wound. Save yourself the heartache

[Asker]

Thanks for your input. I don't think I'm wasting time, as I've been dating... time never stops, so I'm not waiting on him at all. Just wondering what his motive may be, and how others feel about it...

[melnc]

you've to give that person a little disappointment. there's no point of return.. except making some disturbing in your life.
regret is not only for wrong actions or decisions... regret may be doing good things to the wrong person... like giving a chance to someone knew your value while you're away. ( big mistake).

tell him you're okay and you'll be better without him and he need to stop trying.. cuz whatever he do.. stars don't fall... let him do what he want to do... you're up and he's in another place.

stand up for yourself and others and don’t let anyone or anything hold you back... you're really deserve better.

Good luck...

[Anonymous]

I would say he is looking for attention, and ego stroke, something like that. he made his choice so u make him live with it. keep ignoring him. you don't owe him any explanations

[Asker]

Yeah, you might have a point there... sometimes people will go to great lengths for an ego stroke. But I can't help but wonder though... when he asked me that he sounded so emotional, voice was very shaky...