Why do women sometimes lie about their true feelings?

[Anonymous]

This might sound mad, but I am certain that a woman I know has feelings for me but when I asked her about it she denied it completely. We had spent a few months flirting and getting pretty cuddly prior to this and then she told me she just saw me as a brother! Frankly, I don't believe this, but understand she probably has her reasons and we are still friends, which I can deal with - either something will change with her or I will move on in due course, I'm sure. Even her young daughter said she thought we looked like we were in love!

Anyway, for the purposes of this question I need you to assume that I am not mad and what I have written is true and so at least one woman has indeed lied about her true feelings. I feel sure that some of you will have similar experiences so please could anyone tell me why someone would do that rather than say - 'I do feel the same but we can't have a relationship because...'. Surely that is more honest and less likely to end a friendship?

[toulouse]

Well I do not offer how I feel & if I am asked I will tell but I reduce the intensity of it by a lot.

It has nothing to do with wanting to b.s. a guy.

It is partly because I usually doubt that they actually have feelings they do not have to be lying either...

.I can doubt someones ability to know themselves how they feel, so I don't trust it, & I really do not want to get used to an idea of something when I doesn't really exist.

I also practically speaking, have a lot of difficulty SAYING the word or talking about feelings - literally lol, it feels creepy.

I also do not like to admit to myself that I have feelings - I mean I tend to ignore my emotions because it just makes sense to...

I like to look at things rationally &i like things to make sense - & feelings by definition don't.

I also feel like I've succumbed to some alien force or gone against myself, if I fall in love , because I'm not in control of it, & it makes me feel emotionally subservient to someone else.

I don't really hold others to these standards & sometimes I wish I never developed this way of thinking, on the other hand, I look at people that are obsessed or can't move without looking for approval or a boyfriend or gf, & I understand how I came to look at things this way - protection against being rediculous.

:)

[Asker]

She did say to me once that she 'had no feelings', after the incident where her daughter passed comment on us that I mentioned above, actually. I thought it was a pretty strange statement really as she is human and we all have them. Could it be that she either doesn't trust her feelings or has just, due to some experience, shut them down as much as possible?

[toulouse]

Well it is entirely possible.

The tricky about feelings is that if we are not accustomed to checking them with reason(since they themseles are not rational)we do not necessarily have access to them.

She could be blocking them out now or she could just be used to blocking them in general.

The thing is, if she says whatever she says, you have to respect that, or she will be confused.

let her come around, sheneeds to figure it out herself.

You can tell her how you feel-you can't tell her hoe SHE feel

[Asker]

Don't worry, I do respect what she has said. I just wish that she had been more honest with me (assuming that I am right, that is).

[toulouse]

I understand, but she may not have been able to.

There is a difference between telling an untruth, & telling a lie.

[Asker]

I know. When I told her how I felt I was struck by the form of words she used. Her line was that she 'never tried to start anything' between us. She never said that she had no feelings for me.It could just be that she didn't want to hurt my feelings but it could also mean that she had the feelings but didn't want to act on it. Not even an untruth, just an abbreviation of the truth, if that was the case, I suppose.

[toulouse]

Wow I always hated that line.

I once kissed a guy who I had known for 3 years who everyone - in my honest moments, including myself-was positive was in love with me, & after ten seconds he said he did not think we should start something..

I was thinking, hmm interesting he should raise something he doesn't want, when no one else was talking about it, not to mention,since we were never friend stage when he courted me two years ago- things had started long ago. (2 me,Its a feeling not an act)

[Asker]

Do you think in your instance that he just got scared when the possibility of a relationship entered his mind? He could have had the feelings for you that you and everyone else perceived but for whatever reason not been able to galvanise those emotional inclinations into taking the step into a relationship?

[toulouse]

I hate to generalize& stereotype, but part of the problem is that people are taught to not talk about feelngs or talk about them in a way that any self respecting person wouold be ashamed to.

However let me forget abut that & just answer your question.

Intuitively I felt that he really had those feelings & felt more comfortable projecting them onto me- I mean I sawihm tery constantly.. At some point he recognized it wasn't working so he tried more actively to get me to feel what he was feeling,-

[toulouse]

As tho saying 'don't get attached ' was helpful to him.

Now I don't know how much he liked me before we got involved, or how much he denied it to himself.

Initially I thought he was lying to me, then I realized t was more insidious, he was lying to both of us, which means he could only have resentment or frustration & denial towards me.

I obviously couldnot tal to ihm about it, the thing is tho this is extremely hard tuf forme to talk about so him doing this was really tearing me apart, but-

[toulouse]

Not because of the attachment part, because of the prejudice,..

This situation was where prejudice precedes the person.

It was infuriating&yet I was in love with him..I always thought you can't be mad at someone for lying tou if they are lying to themselves cause hey di not nw, however I disagree..I think everyone has an obligation to try to be realistic, if he could not understand himself he at least could have extended that regard to me.

I think we always have an obligation to respect others.

[Asker]

Well, I can only endorse that last point.

His denial of his feelings seems deep set then, and not a response generated at the point where he had to jump one way or another.

I understand your feelings on the subject. I was very angry when she told me she didn't want a relationship. The knock back would have hurt, but I've had them before, but it was the fact that I had (and I mean this literally) never been more certain of anything in my life that she felt for me as I did for her.

[toulouse]

:) I understand.

btw in our case the obvious thing would be to continue being friends with her unless you find but too painful, because you can not be more than friends right now..

But try to go easy on yourself & her...

Slow & steady wins the race *

[Asker]

We didn't talk much for a while and our friendship nearly failed. In the end we have pulled back together because I think the connection is strong between us. In my mind I have forgiven her for not being honest with me because I have looked as rationally at all the evidence as I can and believe that I have identified her true feelings. It is a shame she cannot admit them, but I can live with it, as long as I believe that she loves me.

[Asker]

Thank you, by the way!

[toulouse]

Oh good. I'm glad you guys are still close..

give it time, if it is real she will come around

when people lie to themselves it is a protective mechanism, it does not work forever , in time she may prefer the truth :)

( I stayed friends with the guy, he ignored me for a year while he was away, & then he came back & I was gone,.... We moved in together, when I came back from greece)

:-)

[mftn420]

Well, I have covered the truth when I was asked by some mutual friends about me being in love with my FWB because I didn't want him to know because I didn't want to lose the friendship he and I had. I wanted us to be friends forever instead of possibly being in a relationship for a short time and then not liking each other at all if it didn't work out. Yes, I know being in a FWB relationship is not much different.

So, that may be your friends reasoning of not admitting she likes you beyond a friend if she does. She may fear completely losing you as her friend if you didn't work out as boyfriend/girlfriend.

Hope that helps.

Best Wishes!

[Anonymous]

Assuming she does not just see you as an older brother-friend. She may want to insure you will be there for her, that she can trust you: even before she can tell you the nature of her true feelings and why she is worried about being with you. It is very simple if you truly care stay friends, don't be pushy or expect anything and certainly things will fall into place. Remain as constant and friendly in her life as possible, she may need reassurance of your presence.

[Benson01]

Its just a game that women play she's just pulling on your strings she loves to bull sh*t with you messin with your emotions she's got a lot of experience probably and doesn't want to jump in a relationship so quick she wants to see if you will make the first move. She lies to you because she knows she can get away with anything she tells you, you're not really a challenge for her it looks like and she is stringing you and teasing you. Also it can be that she's shy and reserved and doesn't want to tell you she might want to test you to see how you are first before she gets with you.

[Asker]

I don't think she has a lot of experience in messing people around. It has occurred to me that she enjoys the attention and is using me (possibly without realising that is what she is doing).

I don't think she can get away with 'anything' she tells me and I would hope that I would never fall for anyone who would string me along for fun. Its more likely she doesn't trust her feelings, I think, and maybe thinks telling the truth will make the situation less, not more, manageable.

[dojomaster57]

i have a few female friends like that who are super cuddly but have no romantic feelings for me and it can be pretty annoying. but they are only 18 yo and this woman is apparently old enough to have a daughter. what does she even want? is she looking for a relationship?

[ellavou]

i believe that she likes you a bit, but her feeling is not that strong or maybe she liked you and then the the feeling disappear..

[Anonymous]

I feel you man, I got the same thing for me. She say's she's not into me but breaks the number one rule in my book for female friends. I.E Constant cuddling and sleeping in the same bed as me.

[Anonymous]

For the same reasons you do ..

[DanielSan]

she is a woman.