My wife told me she let a co worker feel her up while dancing at a club after a work anniversary ball. How to be her friend and not be furious?

[Pancing]

To open my wifr is in the military and i am not. We live in two separate countries. She told me a few nights ago that she had let a friend or co worker feel her up while dancing and she reciprocated by grinding him she later got asked to leave the club for whatever reason and he texted her asking her basically to have drinks at his place to finish the night off to which she said she turned him down. I asked her why she told me and she said she didn't want to hide it. I got very angry and at first she didn't understand why because she thought i was different and she thought i would just laigh it off because nothing happend. In my rage i told her not to tell me anything like that again and if she cheats on me to bury it. The next day she understood why i was angry and we talked it out and shr thought i could be a friend to her. She finally understood why i was angry as she talked to female co worker that was with her that night and said that she shouldn't have told me. My wife was terribly afraid i was going to leave her and i reassured her i was not and we are okay now. After everything she asked me if she was a terriblr person for wanting to be touched as it has been a few months since I've seen her which i understood and already knew that was why the events happend. My question is how if possible can i be a friend and a lover to my wife?

[Experiencded]

I suggest that you think of it from her perspective and your own, Instead of from the perspective of a inconvenient and frequently violated social norm.

Do you really want her happy, and do you want to be happy? You were both enjoying the company of others before you were married. There is no reason why that should stop now that your ARE married. This is particularly true when you are apart. you both still would enjoy the pleasure and comfort of someone to have sex with from time to time. So I would encourage her to enjoy herself. I would caution you both to try not to contract any STDs or create any unwanted children while you are philandering, and I think in the interest of your marital intimacy, sharing your experiences with one another when apart, or together, is best. You are in this relationship together and if you are clearly committed to one another, each of you enabling, sharing, and enabling your partners happiness, is in my opinion, the best way to maximize the value of your pair bond to one another. You do not have to join the swingers, to do this. Just give each other permission to say yes if you really want, to and agree to share that experience with your spouse. The sharing is I think quite important, you both need to benefit from re-living your accounts of each others experiences.

Be committed to your partners happiness.,

[Chiffon]

I totally disagree with "Experienced!" Of course I want my wife to be happy however, that happiness should NEVER involve intimacy out of the marriage! If that occurs then what safeguards are in place to prevent falling in love with other than the spouse! If one acquires an STD and passes it on to the spouse, you'll need one hell of an explanation! If ones happiness HAS to include sex even if it is not with your spouse and you and your spouse never discussed this possibility, then the spouse feels betrayed? Are you going to hide it so there won't be any reason for upset due to CHEATING? If my wife would have mentioned that she let another man feel he up because she "NEEDED" it then I would find it difficult to trust her! Personally, I would send her divorce papers and tell her she doesn't have to hide it any longer! She could screw to her hearts content! I didn't sign up for an open marriage nor a cuckold one! To use the statement, "Do you really want her happy, and do you want to be happy? You were both enjoying the company of others before you were married.

[Chiffon]

There is no reason why that should stop now that your ARE married." WHAT? Maybe that's how "Experienced" has their relationship but I would venture to say the vast majority of couples do not agree with this! Of course one may have been intimate with others before making a commitment to a particular individual. Why commit to anyone if you cannot endure the time apart to remain loyal to the one you love! This happened to me! Married for eight years to the woman I loved, worked hard to provide regular trips, dining regularly, sports car ya dee da! Then I noticed a shift in demeanor and late night texting! When she was in the shower I checked her phone. I couldn't find anything until I saw an app that said "Safety" I opened it to four months of lying and behind my back cheating. Once I had pictures, oral intimate messages and even a vide of kissing and touching one another, hand under her dress! I surprised her with the evidence and her reasoning was "It was just sex!, I love only you! it meant nothing!" For several months? I could live with not being able to trust her! I stopped speaking to her! Had our $4,000 bed removed and burned in our back yard because they had sex on it while I was working! I moved into the spare room and bought a single bed for the master bedroom! Her reason for the affair was, she needed the sex to make her feel good! She was happy with our three times plus a week and I have pretty competitive endowment. She need more and something different? "I only love you though, your my soul mate, my husband!" She was issued her divorce papers at her work! Once she was finished freaking out and having friends and her family trying get me to scrap the divorce! I'm glad I did it! She got nothing because of blatant infidelity!

[the-mad-german]

if she told you, i think there's no reason to freak out. :) that means she feels bad because of that wich means she won't cheat. So be cool and dont argue... beeing seperated is allways a big problem... girls have "needs" as well ;)

[Pancing]

I get that now and i do understand women have needs as well i just have to learn to not be angry when she tells me those things as they will likely happen.

[Chiffon]

Wow! I guess I was wrong about your feelings! Without being told that "My Fragile Male Ego" is at fault here! Well too fu@&Ing bad! I have a very independent liberal minded wife who has a professional career and fortunately isn't compelled to have needs met elsewhere! When were getting to know one another, I discussed being able to discuss having needs met and openly communicating out right without any fears! That conversation sealed our relationship and we have had very heated and exciting moments discussing experiencing meeting someone where feelings were experienced! I love and trust my wife more than anyone and specifically told her if she feels a need to experiencing intimacy with another, discuss it with me! It may be beneficial to us both! She was so moved she cried an thanked me by being her fantastic self!

[AskAlthea]

I think that's where it's great when couples are also each other's friends, but your SO is a different kind of friend than say your female friends. Over some drinks with female friends, it's okay to talk about your past sex lives, but that's not something to share with your current SO, your current SO generally does not want to hear detailed stories of your sexual past (like boyfriend #3, he was really great with his tongue, could make me orgasm in 3 minutes flat). Similarly, I can understand why you don't want to hear her giddy tales of how she let someone feel her up. From her perspective, I can also understand why she told you, she hasn't had physical touch (sexual physical touch) in such a long time that when she did get it, she felt really happy and wanted to share her happiness. We want to share our happy news with our SO, that was her "happy news". I don't think it's necessary for you to become the lover who can hear those things, would we ever expect our SOs to become the friends with whom we can share past sexual details with? Most would say that's not required.

[Pancing]

Thank you much as you added very much needed insight to my predicament

[Wonderer89]

Yeah... you lost me as soon as you said you'd just prefer her not to tell you if she cheats on you and to just hide it. Yet you get furious over a man groping her in a club.
Recipe for disaster right there

[Pancing]

I told her after the fact that it happend. I was angry about it so i told her to keep it to herself that way no one gets hurt. We all have needs.

[Wonderer89]

Why bother getting angry if you're fine with her cheating then? That seems completely counterproductive to be fine with it as long as you don't know about it, but if you happen to come across that information you fly into a rage and don't know how to treat her with love and respect?

[Pancing]

Im not fine with her cheating is the point but if she does id rather not know. The whole point of that statement is dont ever let me find out. Bury it and keep it buried if it does happen. But i think you're missing the point as me and her are fine now i just want to know how i can be this type of friend to her or if its even possible.

[Wonderer89]

Lol and as I said, you lost me as soon as I got to that.
If you're giving her permission to have sex with other people then you need to just get over your feelings and act like the good house husband.
If you're NOT ok with her cheating, then you tell her if she does it again she can not bother coming home. There are whole sex shops dedicated to taking care of women's needs that don't involve another mans penis in your wife. If you have a problem with that thought then man up and set that boundary instead of telling her to keep it a better secret.
Then you won't have this problem at all

[Pancing]

Ok. But she didn't cheat. As i said we resolved this but if it happens again yourr saying that i should leave her if she tells me something like this again?

[Wonderer89]

You set your own boundaries in your marriage. If cheating is unforgivable to you then what is yur consequence? No one can decide that but you; but your words are conflicting in saying you have a problem with another man touching her - so she better be sure not to tell you if she cheats.

[Pancing]

Thanks for your reply.

[KarinMcDonald]

My opinion: She's in the military and most likely under a lot of stress. I'd say give her a hall pass and tell her to have as much fun as she possibly can under the circumstances. I'm sure she still loves you, but she's missing what all of us women miss when we aren't getting any. Just be glad that she's honest with you. And if she does slip up and have sex, it's most likely going to just be an accident.

[Beardog]

The military and marriage DO NOT go hand in hand. Both parties get lonely, and that's when things start to happen. Saw it first hand when I was stationed at Ft. Benning.