Workaholic boyfriend terrified of intimacy, how do I deal?

[nerms123]

My boyfriend has a really demanding job and works a lot. I can understand this, but he uses work as an excuse to put distance between us.

Actually, he uses EVERYTHING as an excuse to avoid getting close. He has trouble sharing personal things and prefers to talk about impersonal topics. He doesn't call or text often, and when he does, it's short. And of course we don't spend a lot of time together. When we do, he starts to nitpick and tries to pick little fights.

He may sound awful, but he has a lot of good qualities, and we have a lot in common, so I really care about him and don't just want to dump him.

I have tried working on the relationship by expressing my feelings, and he does listen and try to change some things, but it's obvious that he doesn't really know how. Also, there are some things he feels are a part of his personality and is unwilling to change.

I just don't know if I should continue trying to talk things out with him. I don't think ultimatums are the right way to deal with the situation, and I just feel horrible about the idea of breaking up with him even though I have never been happy in the relationship.

Has anyone dealt with this type of situation before? What did you do? Has anyone been a workaholic or had a crippling fear of intimacy? Were you able to work on things and improve, or is it hopeless?

Updates

+1 y

Well we broke up a year ago but we are still friends so yeah.

[Anonymous]

Both my boyfriend and I work 16 hour days during our work week (with commute); but even exhausted we still try to make time to see each other a few times a during the week and make plans for the weekend. It sounds like you're both not really into each other. Doesn't matter how great both of you are, you're just not great together. If a guy wants to spend time with you he will. You need to move on and find someone who values you.

[Tron5678]

He works and you can't be sitting on his lap every day ( not in a sexual way but a reference on when a child sits on parent's lap) I work 80+ hours and I have a girlfriend but she isn't demanding we do talk but for maybe like 10-15 mins during dinner if I have nothing to do on weekends I take her out and that's it but that would be because our relationship is matured enough but I don't know about yours.

[martyfellow]

Pretty complicated debut question Welcome to Girls-Guys!

[martyfellow]

A lot of workaholics are avoiding intimate contact because of past trauma in their childhood.
It's though for you to gain access to deeply buried fears and emotional scars. All you can do is listen to him when you ask him WHY he is this way, and encourage him to get professional help. A third party not in a relationship with him stands a much better chance of getting him to open up about the past.

[martyfellow]

Good luck to you!

[ctchubbyguy]

I understand completely. Life goes by so fast, we need to concentrate on what is important. Try talking to him about how balancing work and home is important to you. Tell him that many great and mighty companies have disappeared, so relationships are really the only real things in life.

[ctchubbyguy]

Sorry I didn't see how old this post was. I hope your happier now.

[nerms123]

No worries thanks

[ctchubbyguy]

(((hugs)))

[upskirtfetish]

i think when it comes down to it, most people are afraid of being intimate, because it involves being vulnerable. try to see why he's afraid of being vulnerable, and you might find out why he strays from romance

[OnlineMatrix]

It's not really a healthy relationship if he spends more time at work then with you