I think I made a huge mistake moving in with my boyfriend, what should I do?

[Anonymous]

We've been together for 3 years. So we made a big step and moved in together 8 months ago. At first it was great... but then I started feeling suffocated. I lived by myself even since college and I guess I got used to it. I really loved it. I guess the reason why I loved spending a lot of inseparable days with my boyfriend is because I knew that I always have my own home that I can return to whenever I want. Now that we live together at his apartment, it still doesn't feel like MY home. I feel like my personal space is invaded and I have no room to just be alone and think. I can't think around him, my thoughts are always interrupted with him being in the same room. I just can't be 100% myself. He is very respectful of my personal space, he doesn't nag me or pay a lot of attention to me, he does his own thing and I really love him for it. I know it's not him, it's me. We work same hours and he usually comes home from work a little earlier then me, so he's pretty much there all the time. He goes to gym but that's like only an hour of alone time, and he's not the most sociable person, he doesn't go out much.
So I started doing something that I feel very guilty about. Since I still have my own apartment, I sometimes lie to him that I will work some extra hours and then go to my place after work. I know this is terrible! But I sometimes miss coming home from work to nothing and to no one. Especially if I'm tired and in the bad mood, I like just chilling by myself at my place. I do a little clean up, make coffee, read a book or something, play music, play a video game, basically all the things I love doing the most when no ones around. Then I go back to him happier. Last week I told him I'm going to a business trip for the weekend and I was actually at my place for the whole weekend, totally alone.
I know this is wrong and I have to find the solution. I don't want to break up with him but I don't think I like living with anyone. I don't know what to do... Help?

[ManFrom1982]

Oh. My. Goodness. You're making so so much bigger of a deal if this by lying about it than you need to! If you just tell that sometimes you need some extended alone time, but that doesn't mean you don't want to live with him, it will probably be okay, but the longer you go doing this by lying the harder the conversation is going to be and the more hurt he's going to be. Look at it this way, if you just need periods of alone time, that's something he can give you from his perspective, something you can negotiate with him and maybe he can have something in return. On the other hand, from his perspective, if there's something you feel you HAD to lie to him about, that's something you feel you can't TRUST him with. That's actually a much much bigger deal than just not wanting to spend every waking hour with him. Instinctually he's going to know that, that you couldn't be open and vulnerable with him about your emotional needs and desires and trust him enough to negotiate with him for them, even if he can't verbalize it like I just did.

You need to apologise to him for THAT part, the not being open and vulnerable, not for the needing alone time. That's an emotional need.

And by the way, if the two of you are planning to get a house at some point, things get a little easier because you can take this to the next level by having space that he just doesn't go into by agreement, a "girl cave" if you will. This isn't unsolvable, but it will be if you won't open up to him about it!

[NearlyNapping]

There are two things here. First the immediate problem. But what about long term implications? If you can't live with him now, what does that mean for the long term future?

I think you have no choice but to be honest with him. Or do you plan on continuing to sneak off to your apartment without telling him? And how suspicious will he be *when* he figures out that you aren't really on a business trip?

There is nothing wrong with needing alone time. If you were in a house instead of an apartment, would that make a difference? Apartments don't have much room for private space.

But no matter what, you have to talk about this. Maybe you are afraid of losing him if you are honest. But I think you have to take the chance because the way things are now just aren't working.

[Rei02]

Sometimes it is fine to have a time of your own, it is common nowadays. However, if you extend more and more that time, then you need to do a personal evaluation of what you really want, then talk with your partner.

Tell him how you feel. Communication is very important in a relationship. Have a nice and sincere talk with him before there is a misunderstanding.

Changes can be rather difficult and to adjust. I am sure that this is different when you moved from your parents', cause in that case, you started to have a place of your own where you don't feel less oblige to explain anything to someone.

[Anonymous]

You both need to find a new place to live. Somewhere that you both can share. Both chose your own spaces.

My mum's new partner has the same issue, when he moved into our place, but they are both reluctant to move away from a huge flat with a magnificent view over the beach and the sea.

[Opinion Owner]

Thank you for MHG!

[OlderAndWiser]

Very few couples can go backwards and still maintain a relationship.

[Levin]

First thing you need to establish is if if this isn't indicative of deeper issues in the relationship, or you'd feel you'd like to move on. I'm presuming not, so we can move on to the next part.

I feel like you might be panicking and losing all sense of proportion here, because you're too embroiled in it. Think of it this way, sometimes I resent my colleagues for the stupid things they might say and do: Have a few days annual leave and I really couldn't give the slightest of shits and would have considered myself quite silly had I have snapped.

Next, you're feeling guilty about needing space. You're perfectly entitled to space. I'm guessing you're just an extreme introvert. You're probably like me. You love company with people. But ultimately, you only recuperate that expended energy when you get some deep solitude time. I need to listen to music, I need to go for a walk, read, meditate. I just don't want to be around people for at least a day or two a week. Really, this inability to express something that is perfectly legitimate and understandable is making it into something perverse.

There are probably also issues around barriers too. If you don't have effective barriers, then effectively, you feel depleted, because you're giving so much of yourself to other people. You need to make sure you can say no, and you must always be true to yourself and do what you want to do in certain situations where you feel conflicted between what someone else wants and what you want. There are times to compromise, and there are times when you ought to do what you want. If you're feeling depleted, then you really need to orientate yourself towards the latter.

Are there things you can do, too, to minimise stress from work? This might cause you to feel exhausted when you get back home from work.

In practical terms. Definitely, communication with your boyfriend as a start. How you feel is legitimate and you shouldn't feel ashamed for it. Explain it's not him, it's just your personality. Then you need to decide how you can get time to yourself. Decide where the issues lie, Is it with the house? Is the area too urban, no walking routes, not enough space inside. You need to find out what in fact about the arrangement is making you feel so suffocated.

[Levin]

Also, maybe I'm too much of a romantic here. But I imagine with the right woman, I wouldn't feel so depleted. We'd get each other, and our need for space.

[englisc]

I think you just need to talk with him about this. I can understand it because as an introvert myself I need to have time alone. If I'm around people for too long my mind starts to race, I feel drained and I can't relax.

You should try to fix this without breaking up with him. Being like this to the point where you can't live with anyone is dysfunctional. You'll never be able to have a decent relationship that way.

It can be fixed. You could find a hobby that takes you out of the house, away from him and anybody else. Once he knows how much this bothers you, so could he.

You just need to explain it in a way that doesn't say to him that the problem is him. That it's not that you don't want to spend time with him, it's just that you need some alone time. Often people who are more extroverted or who aren't as introverted don't understand this, especially when 75% of people are extroverts and we live in a culture that sees this as the ideal/normal, but there are many books and things that you can read about introversion. I'd suggest reading those so that you can properly explain it.

[rock21]

So, i had faced the same problem-i met this guy and fell in love instantly. Within a month, we moved together, as he was having some issues at his folks place. He convinced me, and i was ready because i wanted to upgrade my lifestyle and stay in a better place which i can never afford if i am staying alone. First two months were smooth but after that i started to feel suffocated. i had always stayed alone since college and love my space! we were always at home watching tv and ordering food, not much going out. He is not a social person neither i am. I had WFM all the time, and i couldnt concentrate on work due to everyday chores, plus he was around and i got distracted, not that he disturbed me or intruded in my space. Its me who can't be myself when someone is sround. So i finally told him that i want to move out and have my own space. He felt bad for a bit but later he understood. i was not ready for a live in, as i didn't know him that well to be comfortable. Now i have rented a 1bhk and i stay close to his place. things look good so far- but i dont know how this decision will affect our relationship in the later run. I had to take this step for my own well-being. i feel guilty at times, as lot of money and effort got wasted for him as well as me. But this decision was a disaster i believe- as it was very impulsive. Hope it helped you.(your question made me feel i am not the only one, thanks by the way)

[madhatters4]

so the issue simply seems to be about a difficult transition into co-habitating and lack of personal time. i think it's natural and relatively normal. i think you can try and find a way to talk to him about this rather than lie about what you are doing because if he finds out it would be worse than simply being honest

i think it is important to create time for oneself and it can be necessary especially early on as you get used to not living alone. so just talk to him. maybe discuss how you can fill the need for personal time.

[dipta]

I think the biggest issue is obviously the omission and the lies. I don't understand why people lie, it makes everything more complicated.
At the same time I also find it a bit bizarre that you moved in together but you still keep your old apartment practically as was, almost as if you've never moved out... Maybe you've a very logical reason for this, or maybe you knew all along how you would feel...

The only thing I can say is that perhaps you need to find a new place to live - not his apartment, but a place where there's space for both of you and your stuff, a room where you may chill by yourself sometimes.

While I understand feeling nostalgic about your single life sometimes and needing your own space, I think that the good thing about sharing your house is having someone there with you. It may be a problem if you feel you cannot even think and be yourself all the time... having a kid would possibly make it worse.

[greyislife]

I understand 100000%. Once I moved in with my boyfriend things went downhill. It’s the little things you miss about living alone and having entitely your own space. And you don’t necessarily want to voice this because it can VERY easily be misinterpreted as you not wanting to be around them. If not for a bad living situation with a roommate I’m not sure how I would have gotten out of my situation, but all I can suggest is to be as open and honest as you can and be very specific in your word choices. If they really can’t handle you needing/wanting your own space then maybe you’re in completely different head spaces and may need to reconsider your decisions and you’re relationship.

[Zer0Ghost]

The first thing I would do is ask for help creating a space that feels more just for you, that you can feel more comfortable doing at least some of the things you like. Doesn't have to be big, could be as simple as a desk or a big bean bag to read in, something to feel more at home. Maybe if that works, you move into a bigger place with more designated space for yourself.

That's mostly to help get you to a realization that not a thing you listed cannot be enjoyed when living together, between just mostly two rooms and 2 tvs, we do all of those things. She may quit gaming early to go read in the bedroom. I may come home and do nothing for a little while to destress. We both have headphones for music and gaming.

Ultimately if that doesn't work you may have to hope someone feels the same and maybe you both have your own apartments/small homes/tiny houses until the end days. And maybe that happens, maybe it doesn't.

[MScifiwriter]

Be honest and communicate with him and be honest with yourself, if living together isn't working out, you should move back to your apartment. But what ever else you do, stop lying! I would highly recommend confessing the lies to him, because if the two of you expect to have any type of future together (which at your current pace sounds like a rocky situation) you need to be honest.

Just explain the situation to him! I would assume he would likely help you figure out a solution. But again, communication and honesty is key!

[ABoyNamedSue]

I know exactly how you feel. I need to find someone that has the same mindset. Often, after work I need to completely unwind. I don’t mean going for a drink with folk but I want to be completely alone. No phone calls, no texts etc. I couldn’t get a moment last year and it ruined my relationship. She was the best thing that happened to me (so far) but thought I was cold because I’d want time to myself. Some people are just like that. I don’t always need space but I like having the option. They say relationships are about honesty* and integrity but I think you should maintain your own space. It depends wheter he could accept the fact or not. I doubt most could. I hope it works out for you.

*It’s never acceptable to lie about being faithful. Honesty is not a one size fits all. if I were in your position, I would maintain the separate space but I wouldn’t be stupid enough to allow it to create a rift. If I had a separate space I would have probably still been with her.

[winterfox10]

So, I'm just gonna level with you: you moving out is going to look absolutely horrible. It is quite possibly the worst way you could handle the situation, short of breaking up with your boyfriend. Unless you are very very very very very careful about the way you explain yourself to your boyfriend, and he is super understanding; it'll just make things weird.

What might be a good idea is to talk with your boyfriend about the possibility of getting a larger place, where you can have a "you" room, or something. If finding a bigger place isn't an option, then find other ways to get your alone time, like going to the library or for a jog.

I get the need to be alone, and I think most people do, but moving out is not your solution.

[Nades]

She does not feel herself with this guy. Another reason to leave him. It’s all good if she loves him. But if something stops you from being your self then it’s slowly going to eat you up mentally.

[winterfox10]

@Nades She doesn't feel like herself at this point, but there was a time when she and him worked well. I don't think it's ridiculous to break up over something as trivial as her need to have a little more alone time. Some people need more alone time than others, knowing that is part of loving your partner.

[Nades]

Her fault for moving in. She should just tell the truth to him and if he’s ok with it she would be happy

[skateranon123]

I feel like you fear intimacy or something related to committed relationships. I feel people who love each other can be alone together and feel fine.

If I where you I'd ask myself" do I have commitment issues?" Or questions of the sort.

I also suggest talk it open with him and that includes the getting out to your apt just tell him what you tell us. Maybe you can get a "cave" where you can be alone when you need privacy.

This problem isn't as bad as it seems I'm sure you guys can come to a compromise. Good luck.

[newPython]

You are not ready for marriage, that's for sure. Do yourself a favor and dump your boyfriend. He deserves better.

[Miristheiss]

Well, this is what marriage is going to look like, this is what a family unit type of situation looks like. You miss having your "own" life, "own" single life. When you form a life long relationship... what is usually a marriage... you are kind of playing marriage now, this is what it will look like. If you don't like it than you may want to remain single or just keep dating.

[1truekhaleesi]

It really sounds like you need your own personal space and not so much that you aren't right for each other. But you have to talk to him about this because those lies will grow. Maybe separate bedrooms or have a space just for you. Also lots of couples are in serious relationships but live separately.

[nathanp97]

You've been together three year. Are you planning to always live apart from him? Wht not get your own woman cave, or try and get him out of the house more. You can always go to libraries or coffee shops. The problem is that being that you're three years into a relationship he may think you dont love him or that your relationship has no real future.

[boggboss]

It's weird as that is the natural progression of what comes next could it be the place is too small for you both or is it just a issue living with someone else as u will never get that type of fredoms whist living with a partner if that's what u expected

[v851234]

Maybe you should just be honest with him? I have to be honest though, the lengths your going to to protect him from being upset is amazing,.. I don't know how he could do anything but adore you more for going to such lengths for him

[passinby]

I played house a year and the same thing happened. I was never meant to stay with someone long term. I enjoy the relationship with a woman for awhile but then I need to move on. Some people aren't compatible with ltrs and living together long term.

[Vankor]

Honestly sounds like your not ready to be in a committed relationship and living with that person. Either work it out or go back to how it was until you can then "work" on yourself. I'd be pissed if I was him. For all he knows you could be cheating on him with another guy at your place.