I found my friend’s husband on Tinder. Should I tell her?

[Allie_Oops]

Tinder App

I haven’t spoken to her in years but we are Facebook friends. They definitely have not gotten a divorce and she’s always posting lovey dovey photos together. I double checked her profile and it definitely says they are married, and she’s fairly active on it. But I don’t know how she would react or they are separated or not. It doesn’t look like they are. Should I just keep it to myself?

Tell her. She has a right to know.

Mind your business and keep it to yourself.

Updates

+1 y

I forgot to mention that I accidentally swiped right and sent me a message. Legit 100% not interested but he responded in less than a minute i swiped.

Updates

+1 y

Decided not to tell. Not because she shouldn’t know but he will definitely know I told her. As a teacher, I can’t afford to have my name slandered on social media because I can be fired if I’m not little miss perfect outside of work.

Kinda sucks. She’s a really sweet person but I can’t risk being caught in the middle of something like that. I just unmatched from him and left it at that. I took screenshots though in case she ever needs it.

[lumos]

I know you said in your update that you decided against telling, but I'll give you my 2 cents anyway.

The likelihood of HIM getting YOUR name dragged in the mud is tiny. People rarely feel any sort of sympathy for cheaters, and often even celebrate those who out them as such. The likelihood of the whole thing going public is also very small, due to the fact that they've been this lovey-dovey couple all over social media. The both of them would likely do all they could to quietly and privately take care of it.

Second of all, you could send the screenshots to her anonymously. Since you unmatched him, he doesn't have the word-for-word conversation anymore, and if you cover up your own profile picture, there's no way he could prove that it was you. If he tried proving it was you, it would mean that he would have to admit to actually cheating, because it means he would have to know that you're on tinder somehow. And how would he know that, if he's not on tinder himself? I. e. he has no dirt on you.

Ask yourself, what if the roles were reversed, and it was your partner who was cheating on you behind your back. Wouldn't you want to know? Even if you had to hear it from a stranger, or a friend you haven't talked to in years. Yes, you kinda got involved in something you never wanted to get involved in, but at this point I think telling her is the only right thing to do. What if you don't tell her and a while later, she figures out that you matched with him? It would break her heart. And that type of scenario is way more dangerous/likely to damage your reputation than him trying to drag your name in the mud for outing him as a cheater.

[lumos]

Like, you don't want to be known as the girl who matched with someone else's husband on tinder and then kept her mouth shut about it. That's a much scarier narrative.

[Unit1]

Excellent response! Those aren't 2 cents, those are 2K bucks!

Really shame on her for not being a good friend 🙄
if there is anything, that i hate nearly as much as gold diggers - it's fake friends.

[Allie_Oops]

I don't expect someone to turn their life upside down to tell me someone was cheating on me if I haven't spoken to the person in 6-7 years. I'd find out on my own eventually.

You must not know a lot about cheating. If people get caught, the first thing they try to do is blame someone else. It would most likely be her and then me.

And it's really not such a tiny thing. I know several teachers who have been dragged through because someone didn't like what they did or said even though it wasn't huge things. I actually work with a teacher whose ex has been trying to get her fired and has been threatening her life for 2 years, even going so far as wanting to come to our actual school. Another friend just got a 10 day unpaid suspension because a mom on FB alleged he called her daughter a stripper (with no evidence or witnesses) just because she received an F in his class when she typically has A's.

Unless you are a teacher, you wouldn't understand the microscope we are constantly under.

[lumos]

I'm not questioning the microscope you are under, I'm sure it's very real and a constant thing you have to think about. I know that cheating can be very messy, however, with the little information you gave us about their relationship (the fact that they're very publicly lovey-dovey on social media), I just wanted to explain to you that there is a possibility they might want to handle it as quietly as possible. I have been the witness of a few cases of cheating where I've seen them unfold, so no need to make the assumption that I don't know anything.
And like I said, if you make the tip anonymously, he doesn't have any dirt on you and there's no way he can try to drag you into it even if he wanted to - not without proving that he actually was on tinder.
I didn't post this answer to be dismissive, just wanted to give you my 2 cents. That's why you asked this question, after all. I'm sorry if I said something that came across as hurtful, I didn't intend to do that and wasn't the tone...

[lumos]

I was going for.

[Женнй]

What I’ve learned from similar situations is sometimes people instead of being grateful for being told, they see you as the enemy.. and turn on you... it happens a lot!

If there’s a way to show her anonymously and never reveal who you are... simply let her know and walk away from it completely... she can deal with it herself however she wants.. don’t becime involved more than that...

Maybe making a fake profile on Facebook and sending her a screenshot of her husbands page or from a fake phone number.., I don't know. If you’re gonna do it, do it anonymously, that’s my only advice... cause if you don’t, instead of being helpful it backfires...

I surely would like to know but some people are weird, or better said MOST people are weird and in the end remain with he asshole person that’s cheating in them and see the person who told on them as the “bad” person who tried to end the relationship.. psychos seriously!

[Mornin23]

Honestly I would say tell her. I doubt they’ll go after you for that sort of thing (I mean, my god, it’s a dating app. Why would they?). At the same time, it’s understandeable if you’re worried about your job. Just use your judgement, and whatever happens happens. If you don’t tell her, ignorance is bliss, I suppose, but if you do, I suppose their is the slight chance there will be repercussions from your workplace.

Best of luck to you with that whole situation.

[Banyan]

The general logic is that it's not your place to make a decision in their relationship. But the thing is, you already are. Whatever you do IS going to effect that course. No matter how much you want to distance yourself from that responsibility, it's already in your hands. Lack of action is still action

[Goodwifie]

I'd definitely tell her but then don't make the mistake of telling her what she should do about it leave it in her hands.
Why let another person who you have been friends with go through life thinking that she has found the one when she clearly hasn't.

[Goodwifie]

Why not just pull him up on it?
Say I'll tell your wife if you keep this up.

[rozequarts]

Hey, I read your update. Its all up to you in the end but she definitely should know sooner than later.
You could always say to her
"Hey, I didn't realize you two split up, welcome to the single life, lets go out for drinks" (I know you said it looks like theyre married but play the stupid card)!!!
Then when she says they haven't, thats your chance to say "Oh my mistake." If she asks you to clarify (which she probably will), then you could say you found him on tinder. You can also play the fake stupid card once again and say "so you guys are having an open relationship - thats cool, very understanding of you both". She won't deny it out of embarrassment probably. But at least then she'll know.

[Alice2398]

It's a difficult one because no one wants to be the bearer of bad news and you don't want to feel partly responsible for someone's marriage breaking down but on the other hand he shouldn't have so stupid and it's really his fault for the break down in the marriage not yours.

She will find out sooner or later and rather than her feeling humiliated once everyone else figures out her husband can't keep his trousers on before she does.

I think it be better to give her some dignity and let her know. You don't have to do it in person maybe send her a anonymous letter explaining everything to her and screenshot his profile and put a picture of his profile in the letter and just tell her it's from a good friend and you fully support her.

[Cheetah23]

What the fuck.. so you're going to not tell your FRIEND what she deserves to know to save your own ass over something that COULD happen, even though you did nothing wrong so your ass probably wouldn't need saving?
You're being disgustingly selfish.
I'd hate to be your friend & be ashamed of you.

Do your morality a favour at least if you're not going to do it for her, and tell hee.
Anonymously if you had to, put a damn letter somewhere she'd look.

[Allie_Oops]

If being disgustingly selfish means I'm not willing to risk my entire career for someone I haven't spoken to in 6-7 years then disgustingly selfish be I.

[Cheetah23]

You aren't risking your entire career, but even if you were, like I & MANY have told you by now, do it anonymously.
If you don't like the truth, don't fucking ask.

[Allie_Oops]

Can’t. He would know it was me. I’m on her friends list. Besides, the screenshot has the time and date of the message so it would be easy for him to go back and.

Plus you and many others have forgotten that messages sent through FB messenger are put in another inbox folder that gives you no notification of having received it.

Also, you don’t have my career so you wouldn’t know, now would you?

[Allie_Oops]

Anonymous FB messages

[Cheetah23]

You know nothing about my careee, so best stop your assumptions.
All your "what if's" & reasons not to are farfetched and too hypothetical. Come out right and say you just dont give a fuck about her or your morality. Next time, good people will understand who you really are and won't try to befriend you and waste their time, & you won't have to pretend you give a fuck. Everyone wins.

[Cheetah23]

Career*

[Allie_Oops]

You’re 21. You don’t have a career.

[Kiran04]

No. You are not responsible for your friend's marriage. Don't act like you are. You don't WANT to be responsible for her marriage. Don't act like you do. You don't need other people's problems or drama. Meddling is not compassion, and anyone who tells you otherwise is propagating the greatest lie we will ever hear in our lifetime.

[Prof_Don]

So you wouldn’t tell a friend if u found out i
his/her spouse was cheating on your friend?

You’re a shitty friend.

[Kiran04]

@Prof_Don I'm a non-meddling friend. People are free to sort out their own issues. Knowing neither circumstance nor conditions I'd be do nothing more than going off half cocked. Maybe it's an old profile. Maybe they have an agreement. Maybe he just signed in to see what's what. Maybe he actually is cheating. But you can't make calls based on maybes or what ifs. If you do, then YOU'RE the shitty friend, because you think it's your job to manage someone else's relationship. It ain't. Don't try.

[John_Bouff]

The Degeneracy must be stopped and if that takes meddling so be it. This dude can be sucking off black cocks while his pretty wife is being neglected at home

[Kiran04]

@John_Bouff COULD BE, but you don't know that. Going off half cocked makes problems worse, not better. Ultimately, you know nothing unless you've witnessed said black cock sucking for yourself. But you haven't. You made that up in your own head. It's fiction, and you don't make real world decision based on fiction.

[John_Bouff]

True but I don't know man he starts cheating and if you tolerate that he'll end up smoking black sausage after a while

[Kiran04]

@John_Bouff Who cares? The problems of others are theirs to deal with. Meddling does not make anything better. Take care of your own house. Leave others to do the same. I wouldn't want anyone else meddling in my affairs.

[John_Bouff]

true that

[stf75013]

ask yourself : if you were in a relationship and your friend found your boyfriend/husband on this kind of site. what would you want she does?
Answer my question and you will understand what you sould do.

[whattothink]

If you haven't spoken in years I would not. However I did have a guy contact me via a dating site once that his pic was fuzzy. I asked him for a better one and when he sent it, it was a friend of mine's husband. My profile pic was my dog ( I wasn't wanting to put up my pic until I saw if there were a bunch of creeps on there). I responded that I was friends with his college age daughter and felt uncomfortable. Let him know that people knew and hoped he was concerned someone would tell her.

[JoyKJ7]

Mind your business. I have a tinder and my boyfriend does too! We literally go around seeing who is on tinder lol. I guess we’re just too bored. If you haven’t spoken to her in years then you really don’t owe her anything as if she were a part of your close group of friends. You don’t know their dynamic. I say mind your business

[MeganTheButterfly]

Maybe talk to a mutual friend of yours and let him/her handle it. Or makes an anonymous fb account and send her screenshots of his tinder. Heck, you could even pay someone to tell her. Either way it'd be so fucked up to not even try to somehow get her. If I was your friend and I found out about my husband cheating and the fact that you knew and didn't tell me, I'd never want to see your face again.
Not telling her is just wrong

[GingerGuy]

Being that you haven't been in touch for years, I'd stay out of it if it were me. This WILL come out eventually whether you say anything or not so I personally would mind my own business. But that's just me. I don't like getting into other peoples business regardless of circumstances.

[Nik1hil]

See! You need to Tak to your friend!.
But there are many possibilities maybe they both pick girls from tinder and sandwich her...
Maybe your friend is cuckqueen..

Don't jump to conclusions!..
Maybe her marriage is wrecked and she knows it..
But she doesn't want the world to know it so she posts those photos, I mean imagine the pain she is living through daily,..
She needs someone to talk to without getting judged

[front2back]

Uh no you need to tell. It may not lead to a divorce but may lead to marriage counseling and you might help rebuild the relationship rather than kill it. If he's active on Tinder it is only a matter of time before he cheats, she finds out, and then there's no chance of saving their relationship.

[ichighost]

I click tell her but I believe you should touch base with her first. Don't just hit her out the blue like look at this. Like you said you don't know if they're separated but still legally married. Maybe they have an open relationship now

[Unit1]

A real friend would tell. A fake friend would bang with her husband or not even hint her at his infidelity.

Send an anonymous letter or an anonymous message with the evidence and make sure the message can't be returned.

You can thank me later!

[zoeyvxtxxnx]

Just put it this way, IF she was the one who found your man on tinder, would you want her to tell you? Would you understand why she did not or did tell you

[Allie_Oops]

I don't expect someone to risk their life and everything they've worked for to tell me that. I'd find out eventually on my own, anyway. To me, that's selfish.

[zoeyvxtxxnx]

Then dont tell your friend what you know

[StarDust_xo]

This is tough...

I'll just say this: if the tables were turned, & it was your spouse on tinder and an old friend noticed, would you want them to tell you?

[tastetherainbow619]

Girl mind your business he’s cheating and she’ll find out on her own ! I made a big mistake telling my close friend

[vald9inches]

yea those thing never end well when you tell someone that lol

[SarahsSummer]

You haven't spoken to her in years. stay out if it.
And in case this has to be said, don’t date the husband.

[Allie_Oops]

Um... it literally doesn’t need to be said because I have zero intentions of dating a married man soooo...

[SarahsSummer]

I know I’d be totally weirded out seeing my friends husband on there.

[Allie_Oops]

It is weird. She’s not really a ‘friend’ though, she never was. I just added her on FB like 9 years ago because we worked at a fast food place together. I spoke to her like maybe three times. But she is nice. However, I know nothing of their relationship. If she was my best friend then hell to the yes I’d tell her but really I don’t know her from a hole in the wall.

[vishna]

mmm I think you should anon send her pictures saying "I'm not sure if you know about this, but I would like someone to do this for me in this situation"

[ginger569]

My husband cheated on me from day one... and people knew it. Would have been nice to know before I said I do.

[Allie_Oops]

How could you be with someone and not know they’ve been playing you since they met you?