It's like he's emotionally stingy. I am almost at the end of my rope?

[Anonymous]

I've been with my boyfriend for over 2 years now. I knew how he was before I got involved. We've been living together too. He has gotten more mean. It's like he's emotionally stingy... he withholds affection from me all the time. Never gives me sex hardly... he says he just doesn't "feel" like it and that it makes him tired... blah blah blah... but yet, when I'm at work he will jerk off. I always want sex, too! Anyway... he acts like I'm just here. He'll ignore me and do his own thing, which is fine with me, but sometimes I want to feel closeness or a hug. It's almost like he's emotionally abusive... I love this man. My heart doesn't want to give up but my mind does. Any advice on what I should or could do? I try to talk to him about how I feel and he doesn't listen. Just says I don't wanna talk about it or just shut up. I cry and he ignores me... He says he loves me and all that but I don't feel loved... please help? Thank you

[MissedConnection10]

Ok, so you say he is a good provider. You can just get another roommate to provide what he does because you're right, he is emotionally devoid.

He is not providing you with the love, care, and affection of a healthy relationship.

You also say you knew he was like this before so, at least you take responsibility for that.

Alot of us, mostly women, think we can change the other person.

Just because we can't, doesn't mean we're worthless. There are some things that are out of your control.

I don't see anything wrong with the idea that if you love someone enough and/or feel that you have something special to offer the other person, then that person will want to change for the better.

We see it all the time with people who have partners who were once drug addicts, philanderers, etc. .

Then, they meet person A and they undergo a complete 180 degree change.

Obviously, that would make anyone feel powerful.

So, for you, you have some hard facts to face. You have tried talking to him about it and he does not respond in a mature and healthy way. Well, forget a/b even suggesting couples' counseling.

He ignores you when you cry, do you really want to be with a man like that?

I know you love him and you probably always will on some level but that *doesn't* mean you have to put up with his behavior. If you do, at least admit that, at this point, it is your choice to stay.

You may break up with him, he may meet someone else, and that's when he changes.

Well, if you really love him, it won't be about your ego and you will be happy that he is happy and changed for the better.

In my opinion, I think we come into each others' lives to learn lessons and teach lessons.

And, sometimes breaking up is the catalyst for someone to learn that lesson.

Sometimes it's not, that's where you find a life partner who grows with you; but that depends on the self-awareness level of each individual.

As far as his sexual activity. It makes sense that he is only jerking off and not wanting to have sex with you, make love. He comes off as having some deep issues with love and sex.

I'm not saying it's untreatable but it sounds like he doesn't care to address this issue.

Like some of the answers, doing what he does, there's no "work" involved. There's also no love or deep emotion. It's literally scratching an itch. Guys/Girls can self-pleasure in a relationship, but there has to be balance.

Picture this scenario: A person goes through life engaging in casual and meaningless sex. They hardly know the other person they're having sex with and the most they feel is pure, unadulterated lust. When the sex act is done, the endorphins have subsided,the person feels completely empty.

In time, this person realizes what they want is the deep love and connection you feel when you make love to someone you care about.

Your boyfriend? He is the exact opposite. He seems to just want the empty, shallow pleasure of lust and getting off. That's his prerogative but where does *that* leave you?

[38rakia38]

You're still there because?

Seriously, I would pick up and move on to someone who can actually be affectionate and meet your needs.

Versus Little Mr. Prissy-emo-waaah-woe-is-me-I'll-please-myself-and-not-you.

I dunno, I wouldn't put up with it.

And it's not love your feeling, that's just heartburn,

[Asker]

well I actually do have heartburn... lol

I'm here cause I love him. He's a good man as far as providing... house, food... which I do help with. He is dependable in that sense... but you have a point. I'm here cause I don't like change. I am afraid of being alone. And I am afraid of the pain I will go through if I leave. And right now I'm so confused about everything that I don't know which pain is worse now. Leaving or being here... that's why I posted here... see what other real people think.

[38rakia38]

No one is worth being unhappy over. I don't care if it's God providing for you, the point of relationships is for their to be a mutual give and take. A yin and yang.

Without balance, there's resentment which is a cesspool of hurt feelings, broken hearts, bits of busted glass, past things that have no relevance in the relationship at it's current stage, and lots and lots of regret. Oh yeah, and a wood chipper.

But that's another story.

I say get out. Being alone sounds better than he does.

[Asker]

There's def more yin than yang here lately... it's been his way or no way. There is a lot of resentment... lot of hurt in some things he has said in the past, too... it's almost like I'm numb... I don't know whether to be mad, sad, happy... so I try to show nothing... maybe being alone isn't so bad.

[38rakia38]

Do or do not.

There is no try.

[acka72]

Ummm... Why do you love this guy? Girl go have sex with someone else. It seems that he has serious intimacy issues that can only be cured by a therapist. The fact that you have endured this emotional abuse for so long, makes it clear that you also need help.

[smokeadmiral]

First off, I have a pretty good idea what you're feeling. It can make you both hurt and angry. I know its so elementary but have you talked to him about how you feel? There are a couple of things that come to mind. With that said know that I'm NOT pointing fingers at anyone. Sometimes in my own experience there are women who need more "prep" to get into the mood. For some guys this whole process of prepping or getting ready is exhausting. The stages of romance and what needs to be said, how he needs to touch you, how you need to feel wanted etc. This process of you needing to feel needed could in some ways be causing him to have a lack of interest in sex with you. This could be clear if he's jerking off while you're not there. He has the urge to have sex but the process in having sex with you wears him down and if he doesn't meet your expectations or your process of getting you in the mood he'd just rather bypass it with you and jerk off. It's more simple and less emotional. It's one of the reasons guys view p*rn. It's a quick turn on and it cuts to the chase. Add some romance into your sex life. Try something that's dirty and spontaneous with no expections of "getting in the mood" just do it. Now with that said, if you try all this and he doesn't man up even after you talk to him then you have two choices. Stay and deal with things the way they are or...move on and send him packing. It's a hard choice however you have needs, we all do, and if they aren't being met you have to be true to you.

[Asker]

Well with sex, I don't require all that "prep". I'm ready whenever. It's him not in the mood... if I try to touch him he will push me away... or say no not now. It's like he has no emotions... he used to. But for the past month and half, he's been cold.

[smokeadmiral]

Then I'd have the heart to heart talk with him and tell him straight up that you want to know what's going on. As a man I can tell you that I'm about 98% ready for sex with my girl. That 2% might be because of deadlines, or some other issue that predetermines what I do with my time. He's either still attracted to you or not but he needs to be honest with you about it.

[islands7]

I think some adult apartments will hook up female roommates to you. Find one that's very comfortable with plenty of amenities so you don't have to do the bar scene as much. Dance lessons for you, many do not require a partner, then practice twice/week.

I'm not telling you how to work on your relationship because I think all this will soon fall into place - once you get another place. Word to the wise ... don't get back together too soon. At least stay away long enough until the fun becomes a bit stale.

Good luck on getting back in love with him ... or with someone that dances.

[nate18]

hes far to comfortable with having you. dump him and find a new guy.

[Asker]

I'm probably gonna sound stupid asking this, but what do you mean too comfortable?

Thanks :)

[nate18]

i think at a certain point, guys just feel like the girl will never leave no matter what. sometimes its the other way around. when I was in high school, my auto teacher always used to tell us that mechanics tool boxes have wheels for a reason. so you can leave a shop whenever you want. human have legs so we can walk out whenever we want too. people seem to forget that now and then I think. sometimes it takes leaving, for people to realize how much they can miss you or to realize they dont.

[Asker]

So it's basically, "she won't leave no matter what so just treat her any old way and don't even work at things" kind of attitude? I can see that somewhat in him... but I dunno...

[nate18]

ya.

[JustCurious4321]

He doesn't love you now matter what he says, it may be hard, but your worth so much more than what your being treated like now...

[Asker]

Sometimes I wonder how much I'm worth, to be honest... but everyday is different... I'm stronger some days and other not so, like today

[shorty4]

I'm in a similar situation if you want to talk email me at [e-mail]

[Anonymous]

Yea

[Anonymous]

Sounds like it.