My boyfriend held me down and raped me. Should I leave him?

[Anonymous]

I know this sounds like a stupid question, but it's not easy. We got into an argument and I admit I did get in his face and yell and then threatened to go be with someone else and dumped him. That's when he snapped - he said he lost control of himself and was so angry he couldn't think properly and he grabbed me and slapped me really hard repeatedly and then pushed me. I fell on the bed and saw him coming towards me so I started screaming calling him a piece of shit for hitting me and kicking him. That's when he grabbed my legs and pulled me towards the edge of the bed and pulled my pants down then he pushed my legs up to my shoulders and pinned them there but he put them in a way where my knees were smooshed up against my face and I couldn't move or barely breathe and he raped me. He just kept saying over and over that I wasn't leaving him and we're going to be a family and then he came in me. Afterwards he started kissing me and said I'm going to have his baby and we're going to be a family. I was so angry and hurt and the whole time I still couldn't even move or say anything because of the way he pinned my legs and I thought I was going to pass out. When he realized I had tears he let my legs down but still wouldn't move and had sex with me again. But I can't call the second time rape because that time I just laid there and didn't try to fight or say anything. I honestly was in shock. He came in me again and after he was done he left without saying anything and didn't come back until today. He's been crying about it all day and apologizing and saying he doesn't know what came over him or why he did it and is begging me to forgive him. I don't know what to do. We've been together for 4 years and I love him but I am so hurt by what he did I can't even look at him the same. He has never so much as even yelled at me before and it's like I don't know who he is anymore. I am blaming myself and scared of being a single mom if I'm pregnant. Please give me some advice

Updates

+1 y

I'm all over the place I'm sorry. I'm still in shock I guess. When I posted this I just wanted people to confirm what I already knew I guess which is leave. The thought of calling the cops never crossed my mind... Maybe because I automatically blamed myself. I'm not dumb but in this moment I feel very stupid to even be here. My feelings are all over place I just need to get my thoughts together. Thanks for the answers so far I won't be checking any more replies.

[D_Bone_Steak]

Well now... This is fucked up first of all. Yeah he may feel bad or whatever, but this guy allowed himself to be pushed to these actions by you...

Secondly though, what were you doing to push him that far? My hunch is threatening to leave him and be with someone else. I'm not condoning what he did, I'm just pointing out why he did it... and guess what it's the same reason many guys resort to physical abuse or emotional abuse... control and power.

Instead of accepting that maybe you do want to leave and be with someone else, he resorted to control tactics. You gotta ask yourself if you do want to leave and be with someone else, and if not, why would you be threatening that? Then ask yourself if you're happy with a guy that will rape you at that level of confrontation... a guy that is trying to trap you with a baby (another power move that even women use a lot of the time)?

What I know for sure is this dude is driven to keep you from leaving and being with someone else, to the point of criminal activity directed at you yourself. You happy with that shit? I doubt it... and I'd bet money there are plenty of reasons you were in his face saying you want to leave and be with someone else to begin with.

Your choices are clear, let him trap you, or let this be a justified addition to your reasons of wanting to leave him and be with someone else.

[Asker]

No I don't want that. If that's who he becomes every time he thinks about losing me then I'll pass. I don't want to be a prisoner in my relationship and that's what he made me feel like a nothing tortured prisoner in my own body. It's just going to get worse like someone said. I'm just scared because I don't believe in abortion and he knew that and now I'm going to be possibly raising a kid on my own with a crap dad like my mom did and that was my worst fear

[D_Bone_Steak]

If a kid happens... I'm not sure what is done if you live outside of the U. S., but here in the U. S. there are plenty of women trying to get pregnant just for the free ride it provides. Child support, funded by the state if Dad can't pay. But that is 'if a kid happens,' only then and when that becomes reality then plan to deal with it.

For now though you got a guy trying to trap you, in a very crude way, and I believe you're right... it's only going to get worse than that over time. I mean there's one off circumstances, like a slap or a push... but god damn he fucking raped you after the slaps (I would say both times was rape), that's just way over the top. You gotta get out of that situation before you worry about a 'maybe baby' that might not even happen. First thing is first if you know what I'm saying.

[Asker]

You are right thank you

[Clarke498]

I get that you've been together for 4 years and that you love him, but any man that can even think of doing something like that, is someone you should stay FAR away from. Don't get it wrong, the second time was rape too. You were raped twice.

[Clarke498]

Think about it this way. Say you stay with him, and you actually DO get pregnant... Do you want THAT guy around your kid? What he fucked up the kid too?

[Asker]

You are right. I decided to leave. I can't look at him the same anyway... I don't even know how to go back to normal after this. I wish this would have never happened... I hate myself right now and feel like nothing. I'm so dumb

[Clarke498]

Hate yourself? Because he raped you? If there's anyone you should hate it's him. You should call the cops too for that matter. Hope things will get better. Maybe try to find someone to talk about it with?

[Asker]

I don't know I am still hurt. I've never been hurt this bad before. He made me feel so useless with what he did. I couldn't even defend myself and I started the fight... If I would have just left instead of making a big deal of it or trying to hurt his feelings then it would have never happened. I know you can say it's not my fault but I started it so technically it is. That's what I hate myself for. And I feel guilty about calling the police about something that wouldn't have happened if it weren't for me. And then I just keep thinking that he's never done this before and how hurt he is about it too I don't know what to do only that I can't stay here anymore. Sadly the only other person I told keeps telling me to stay too. I don't know who else to talk to

[Clarke498]

Again, you're blaming yourself... DON'T! It don't matter if you started the fight or not, if he has it in himself to rape the one he should love and protect the most, then that's 100% on him. It has NOTHING to do with you starting the fight. If someone could do that (rape someone), a lot of things can start it. Stop blaming yourself. Sure, people can get angry, but that still no way to react (talking about him). Have you told anyone else?

[Asker]

I told my best friend

[Clarke498]

You didn't tell your parents?

[Asker]

My mom will just blame me and I really don't need to hear that right now. My dad has passed away.

[Clarke498]

Blame you? HOW? Why?

[Asker]

My mom isn't a nice person. When my brother died she told me it was my fault because I cursed her by being a disobedient daughter. She blames literally everything on me.

[Clarke498]

Oh... Good to have a good friend.

[liburnia]

Starting a fight with your boyfriend doesn't give him the reason to be violent to you. All that happend is not your fault. You must leave him, because nothing good can come out of ir. You will always resent him for what he did to you. But you should be careful with the situation because now, you can never knoe what his reaction is going to be after you tell him you're leaving him. Sorry you had to go through all of this

[Thieuphunglam]

That does not sound like a happy relationship, he forced himself on you and raped you. Sometimes you have to leave the people you love just to save yourself. If you forgive him and he rapes you again he is going to think "Oh i raped her before and she forgave me so i will do it again"

[R_Cakes91]

You need to report him immediately to the police. He raped you, and he can easily do it again. He came in you as well so you could become pregnant. Do you want to have a baby with a man who will rape you?

Girl, think straight. A lot of women make the mistake of staying with their rapist boyfriend because it’s easier. Please please do the right thing and get his ass reported. My ex raped me too and I will always regret doing nothing because he’s still out there free to do it to someone else.

Again, don’t stay with a man like him. Even if he’s sorry, to me that is unforgivable and I’m sorry to say that a relationship can’t move on in a healthy state after something like that.

[Asker]

You are right.. thank you

[Poiuy0000]

A similar thing happened to me with a 3-y r relationship. We were “growing apart”. I was starting to talk to a new guy I wanted to date. I think my boyfriend could sense that I was “slipping away” / becoming distant. One weekend I hinted that I didn’t think we were as compatible as we once thought we were. That night, in the middle of the night (I was staying at his place), he suddenly pinned me to the bed with all his weight (he’s way bigger than me), pulled off my underwear, and raped me. I was struggling and yelling at him to “get the fk off”. Long story short, I never saw him again (took off at first light the next morning) and we broke up. we have never spoken again. In hindsight, the signs were there (for me): he was Uber domineering, always trying to make all the decisions, he’d frequently grab me by the neck or hair, push me around, “spank” me, pull me into his lap, grope me in public - all done “playfully”, of course - and he was very aggressive in the bedroom. But there had never so clearly been a “crossing of the line” as this night. You should break it off (in my opinion) and then you might want to seriously review: was there really NO SIGNS AT ALL that he might be the type to feel justified in “punishing” and controlling you? That he saw you as a possession? This kind of behavior usually isn’t completely out of the blue.

[Anonymous]

Everyone is pretty much telling you the best course of action, what to do, etc, so I'm just gonna say my opinion

It's that it's a super toxic relationship, I'm surprised y'all have been together 4 years, it sounds like a story of a two month relationship where the guy was fed up of not getting laid so he forced it

But 4 years? What kind of relationship is that? Like is that the first time y'all had sex? I can see why he snapped if so, he spent 4 years of his life and you're just gonna leave him, like sex is relatable to self worth as a man. If not, then the whole situation is fucked up, period. I would get out of it ASAP.

[Asker]

No it's not the first time and that's why it was so difficult for me to just leave immediately after. He has never been violent with me. He never even yells at me when we argue... I'm the one who yells. And when we argue, it's rare and over silly things. Usually because one of us keeps doing something annoying like losing the tv remote. Overall our relationship has been really good which is why I was in shock and am still in shock. I just can't believe it happened and that he did what what he did.

[Opinion Owner]

I don't know well no one wants to hear they're being left for someone else, maybe he was extremely stressed, no idea what he was thinking. In my personal opinion if you're in a relationship that long it's hard to argue rape. It makes more sense that you didn't fight it's just more shocking.

Did you get a plan b? I would get a test I think it takes awhile to show up, maybe it's for the best if y'all separate for awhile or break up. Just with everything going on, if y'all get back together well can't stop you.

[Asker]

No I didn't. All of this is just so overwhelming. I'm not thinking right about anything so much basic stuff I didn't even think about like plan b or calling the police even now I'm lying here completely overwhelmed all I can think about is what he did and I can't stop crying. He won't stop calling or texting me and his reason for what he did changes with every text it's too much for me I don't know what to do. I know what I should do but what I feel is different and people are telling me different things then there's him and it's just too much

[Asker]

[9/16, 1:00 AM] I didn't mean to hurt you that way. I wasn't thinking that day
[9/16, 1:00 AM] I'm NEVER going to do that again
[9/16, 1:03 AM] Can youu please
[9/16, 1:04 AM] I understand every thing
[9/16, 1:04 AM] I know what i did was wrong.
[9/16, 1:05 AM] And every thing. I'm so sorry for what I did baby
[9/16, 1:05 AM] But i didn't mean it
[9/16, 1:05 AM] Really. I don't know what happened to me
[9/16, 1:05 AM] Just please pick up the phone
[9/16, 1:14 AM] You are always going to be my everything
[9/16, 1:14 AM] Remember that
[9/16, 1:15 AM] And I hope you can forget that night give me one more chance and be with me again
[9/16, 1:16 AM] Sorry once again really. I can only tell you how sorry I am 100 times
[9/16, 1:19 AM] I hope you can forgive me please don't leave me
[9/16, 2:01 AM] to be real i was not Thinking that day
[9/16, 2:02 AM] pick up. I'm not going to make excuses I just want you back
[9/16, 2:03 AM] If i ever lay a finger on you again you can do what ever you want to but please baby give me another chance. I have nothing without you I'm sorry

[Asker]

This isn't even half of it before I blocked him. I want to believe him that he's really sorry but at the same time I feel like he just saying whatever it takes to save himself. I can't get over it and I can't believe him because I feel like I don't know who he is anymore after that. I don't think a break is going to fix this.

[Opinion Owner]

yeah he's definitely trying to save it

[nerms123]

Gurl. Your man has anger issues and he obvi can’t control himself but you also gotta think he never would have done that if you were stronger than him so he either needs to see a psychologist or you need to leave for your own safety

[Bad_Man55]

This is wrong in so many ways. I hope you leave him and never have to see him again. Dont let him guilt you or manipulate you into taking him back. He has issues and you dont deserve that and he does not deserve you or your forgiveness. Be strong.

[luvstoned4him]

omg , leave immediately and report the matter.

I know you may feel hurt and embarrassed but doing those two things is for the best.

[Dchrls78104]

If a girl hit me or assaulted me in any way, no matter what the circumstances, I would leave her at once. There would be no going back for me into such a relationship.

[Shahax]

If this is an actual case of rape you need to report it, if you can't do that than at least break things off with him as it probably isn't safe for you anymore

[highjinx]

yeah it will only get worse black eyes busted ribs are on the way if you stay seen it a million times. good luck your gonna need it.

[genericname85]

yeah clearly if a guy hits your face and rapes you that's when you know he's the one... also you should probably see a therapist about your issues as well but cutting him off should be for damn sure.

[Asker]

I am already shattered over this and really don't need you to tear me down more. The sarcasm was unnecessary. I believed I knew he was the one before this and saying I have issues is just meanspirited and gross. This comment is disgusting.

[LordSnuggles]

@asker You can't post this in public and then dictate to others how they can and can't express their thoughts. You opened it up to all respond and they aren't breaking any rules.

[Asker]

I know that but that doesn't mean it's okay to be mean for no reason

[genericname85]

I know that you must feel horrible that's why I'm shocked that you're even still considering him. That's why I chose the words I chose. To show you how absurd it is to even think about staying with him. I think it is so absurd that I genuinely think you should see a therapist. I don't mean it as a joke or to offend you.

[EleanorRigby]

What you need to do is report him to the police.

[reptocarl]

You should be filing charges

[Asker]

I can't bring myself to ruin his life even though I feel like he's ruined mine

[reptocarl]

Well shame on you

[Asker]

Wow thanks for being kind

[reptocarl]

You’re enabling a criminal. This is not a onetime thing. It will happen again if not to you then someone else. Do you know why? Because you let him get away with it

[Gedaria]

I would report him , get the police involved …..

[TheFlak38]

how many times do you plan to post this question, liar?

[Asker]

I think it's interesting that the moment I end the relationship and mention this site a guy the same age as my boyfriend shows up making a false statement about this question being asked before and calling me a liar. Extremely interesting. Hi Shawn. You were just crying about how you made a mistake. Now you're here denying it happened. Glad I didn't fall for your bullshit. You are the worst person I regret meeting you and wasting 4 years if my life I don't even know who you are anymore. What happened to you? You are not the same person I used to know. You have ruined my life and I don't even think you care what you've done. You took everything from me in a fraction of a second you hurt me so badly my spirit is just completely broken. Do you have any idea or truly care at all? I don't feel guilty about going to the police they were right you deserve it

[TheFlak38]

this b*tch is seeing things hahaha
Im her boyfriend now. I didn't bother to post anonymously and Im already at guru level

[Annie12234]

Leave him!

[Anonymous]

Abortion
And call the cops

[Asker]

You really think I should make him spend his life in prison over one mistake? He's never been violent with me ever before and I don't think he'd ever do it again. I decided to leave him but I don't think I should have him sent to prison. It's not some random guy I barely knew or a stranger. We've been together for 4 years and were best friends before that for 7.

[Opinion Owner]

He raped you. He deserves jail

[Asker]

You're right. My life is so ruined now overnight it's just really hard to accept. Thank you for your advice

[steveRogers12]

Leave him