My girlfriend just found about my sexual past and is upset about it. Help?

Question

My girlfriend if one of those very traditional , head-strong ladies who has never engaged in casual sex or even just causal dating. She’s 23, and I was her first (which I feel honored about, because she’s very beautiful and I know a lot of guys have tried)

Now, she knows I dated someone who was formerly close to her, and she said while it bothered her, it wasn’t worth not giving me a chance.

Now, 6 months down the road, she finds out that I was just having casual sex with that girl, along with a couple of other girls (but not looking for anything seniors). And there was a time that I had told someone that I wasn’t really looking for anything with my current girlfriend either (at first).

She says she knows I’m crazy about her now (which I am) but that it changes the way she’s perceived our whole relationship. She’s not mad at me but she’s become super distant and I don’t know what to do!

Any advice? I don’t want to lose her.

PinkPenguin · Accepted Answer

Congratulations. You've come to the disillusionment stage of your relationship. After a passionate begining and starting to get serious, most if not every couple will reach this stage at some point after you are starting to get serious. So many people are at a loss at how to deal with their partner at this stage, who has suddenly transformed into another person (not really, but we see through rosy glasses at the begining of the relationship and don't really see our partner for who they are untill this stage), and they keep disappointing us on trivial matters and on things they cannot change (like their past). So often relationships end at this stage (in divorce for the people who got married under the influence of the passionate begining).
Some also settles for mediocre especially if there is children and marriage involved and just try hard to be together for the next 20 years, but they don't work out their problems.

Your girlfriend is getting distant, very normal for someone who has reached the disillusionment stage.

Now if you can get beyond this stage you will experience real love. The feeling of being accepted for who you are, you got each others back no matter what, you know each others weaknesses and strenghts (and use them to make each other better) , a love much deeper than you could ever imagine.
there's another stage after this where you realize that 2 can accomplish more than 1 and 1.

Anyway, how to move beyond the disillusionment stage. You need to communicate. Be honest. Really see and accept each other for who you are. Maybe you need to get to know each other again? We are constantly evolving but getting to know your partner again now could be like reading a book for a second time and noticing all the things you missed the first time. Don't assume. Communicate your feelings, she needs to know you are still the one she fell in love with, even if you shattered her idealistic image of you. If she can work through this with you, you will reap the rewards down the line.

Take her on a 1. Date. Do 20 questions. Show her you are invested. Talk to her. Listen. Communicate your feelings. Don't hold back on honesty.

You might have felt you've burned yourself telling her about your past, but she needed to know about your past to reach this stage of your relationship, and she will eventually need to accept it to be able to move forward.

My last advice is don't settle for mediocre. Constantly have conversations about your life, your relationship, your partner and yourself. We are constantly evolving. Her favorite colour 2 years ago might have changed, or her favorite dish, or the dynamic of your relationship. Don't be afraid of communication or honesty.

joeshi · Accepted Answer

Well the thing is, what you did was lie to her, and you only lied because it gave you a better chance in having a relationship with her and getting to where you are at. You lied to her and she’s prolly thinking who knows what else you have lied about. She thought she was having sex with a different person. Also if that person that you had casual sex is close to her that makes things worst and could’ve not even have given you a chance to be with her in the first place. You guys are barely together and you are already lying. How do you think she’s going to want to continue the relationship? With someone who lies to get what they want? Yes you seem like a great guy but you disobeyed her trust. You need to regain it and that takes time, it takes action it takes a big part of you to do. You need to show her that you aren’t like the guy who lies to get what he wants, you need to be romantic , talk to her and be real with her. You took advantage of her trust and that’s direction you have to take to get out of this

likelyOK · Accepted Answer

She might be deciding if she was to leave or not, it's tougher for her because she is the one who gave herself to you, which means she already made a huge investment in you.
I'm older than you and I have not always been perfect or anything but even now I try and steer clear of guys that get around for so many reasons, I have been a good girl for a very long time and I feel I deserve better. Also sex means something emotional so if a guy is out having regular casual sex, it may never mean anything special to him.

Intraluminal · Accepted Answer

I'm going to give you an older man's perspective. She is, inadvertently, saving you from a major mistake.

In the long run, everyone, men and women both, makes mistakes. Marriages flourish or fail based on the other partner's ability to forgive and move on. This is vital to a marriage because, guaranteed, one of you will make a mistake over the next 50 years.

Your girlfriend is in the process of demonstrating that she is unforgiving and unable to accept you AS YOU ARE, even though you made NO mistake per se. That inability to forgive is a relationship killer.

Give her some time to adjust and accept you, and to FULLY accept you for who you are and who you were. Do not accept reluctant acceptance.

If she cannot forgive you after a few weeks, then walk away and consider yourself lucky.

Levin · Accepted Answer

I'm ambivalent about this. I've had quite a lot of opportunity for casual sex, but I usually turn it down, because I find it grotty. Especially if the person has had a lot of partners. Probably a fault, but whatever.

How do you feel about it? Should you be apologetic for something, at the time, you presumably thought was okay. Presumably, even now, you don't think you did anything wrong. Should she really change your opinion of that? If you believe in what you did, then you shouldn't allow it to diminish your sense of self, or have to justify yourself to her.

Anonymous · Answer

This is why people need to be totally upfront and honest about their past during the early stages of dating. At least people can then make a decision
and judgment based on the truth.

All you can do is ask her not to judge you by your past history. Let her know all that matters is here & now and your future together. Your past shouldn't interfere with what you have now... in this moment and time.

She knows you are serious about her , so hopefully after she's reflected on the relationship and given time, she'll overlook your past and focus are what you both have now.

caligirl03 · Answer

Honestly, I was the same way with my ex boyfriend. I wasn't a virgin but didn't have a lot of experience either, and I felt like he had basically screwed anything with a pulse. What I had to learn to accept is that you can't hold things that happened when you weren't together over someone's head. There's no way you can go back in time and undo the past. I think she just needs to recover from the initial shock of hearing this new information. Reassure her as much as you can without pressuring her or getting upset. And in time, she should be ok. Good luck to you guys!

slipperydip1994 · Answer

Tbh, I don't think i could handle a woman like that, because I'm no longer the traditional guy I used to be. Especially when I ran into my own problems with the law and courts and so on. So.

Really man, if you like her, you'll patch things up no problem. But if this is a good turning point in the relationship to then re-evaluate, then take it for what it's worth.

After all, it's your relationship. But nobody forcing either one of you to stay especially if it only leads to more problems down the road.

But I'm no counsellor.

Hamsteroids · Answer

Well first of all, telling her your past was a mistake. That shit would probably bother me too. You say she’s not mad at you, but if I know women, that shit is definitely bothering her inside. To be completely honest, I don't know what you could do to make it better because personally, I’d keep pushing you away. But don’t give up either. Don’t throw your hands up and say “ugh whatever then”. Just be patient with her and understanding. Try to be active and close with her even if she pushes you away. Hmmm what else?
Oh but don’t overdo it either. If she picks up that you’re all of a sudden trying too hard, that might make her upset. Just try your best to carry on as usual and if she feels like she needs to sit down and get something off her chest with you, then so be it.

(Obviously I don’t know what your girlfriend is like SO, I’m basing my advice by what I would want or on how I would react if I were in her shoes) sorry if this doesn’t help much

vivmatt · Answer

Wow. She saves her virginity all these years. She gives it to you and then gets told you weren't serious at first? No wonder she's all messed up right now. I think she had you on this pedistal and now that's shattered. She'll come around tho. Just remind her you're in this for the long hawl!

David_Kek · Answer

You're not going to lose her. If that was a deal breaker for her she would have left you already.
She's just playing the silent treatment because she now feels insecure, not feeling as special as she thought she was.
You don't have to do anything, just carry on with her same as you always have. If she starts pulling away, don't chase, just give her that space until she comes back which she will. The more you react differently to this the more she will. Just carry on like everything is ok, and it will be. Relax.

Dihiya · Answer

"And there was a time that I had told someone that I wasn’t really looking for anything with my current girlfriend either (at first)." you messed up big time
This means you lied to her only to get in her pants knowing fully that she values sex, and this is unforgivable.
Honestly she should dump you, you deserve it

CubsterShura · Answer

Should have told her earlier. Even my ex did the same thing, hiding his sexual history from me because he know if I found out earlier I'd not even consider him as a potential partner. The difference here is that she had sex with you and I wouldn't, I'm saving it all till marriage.

Let her take her space and time if she wants it. Now it's all up to her if she wants to stay or not. If I was in her place I would have seriously ended things.

MrLogical · Answer

Take her on a nice date, tell her to be dressed and ready to leave at whatever time you schedule and plan things, and then take her out to dinner.

But, if given enough time and she still hasn't forgave you in a few weeks or so, you need to leave her. You can't be with someone who is unforgiving.

silvermoon84 · Answer

What you did before getting with her shouldn’t matter. Good for her for staying a virgin (I was a virgin as well when I was her age so that’s very commendable of her), but I think she’s being just a tad unrealistic if she’s expecting her guys to also be virgins. I know there are men out there who intentionally abstained but they are very rare. I think you did the right thing telling her though. Honesty is a necessity in relationships

Anonymous · Answer

You wouldn’t of been given the honors if you were for real committed about it in the beginning. You would of acted too nice, too serious and not yourself. Not saying you were an asshole, but your game was tight because look what you got. But if you were legitimately serious that would turned her off because it would have impacted your behavior. But it sounds like a part of you was exploring that possibility.

The good news is that you are still with her and more importantly in love with her right now. It’s not like you completely feigned interested, hit and run a rare honey grab and left her crushed. You are still there and your feelings have grown. This is the best possible outcome come to think about it.

She will come around.

ForteExe · Answer

You fucked up dude. Can't have your cake and eat it too, so to speak. Any legit relationship you try to have in the future will be tainted by the baggage from your hook-ups. It's not something you can undo or eliminate. It's there to stay. Your best bet is to find a girl who doesn't give a shit about it, but a girl like that likely has her own insane body count. Even if your girlfriend stays she'll always be plagued by her issues with your past, and unfortunately there is no solution.

Anonymous · Answer

Treat her well and keep moving forward in the relationship. I had some information dumped on me well into a marriage and like your girlfriend I'm more vanilla so it shocked me. I thought my ex husband was relatively conservative too because he picked me. It took some time to shake the images in my head.

monkeybear4837 · Answer

I had a problem with this as I had a very similar situation with my boyfriend. Basically identical. It was extremely difficult for me to deal with and I had so many issue because of it. 2.5 years later we are still in our relationship and it took a really long time for me to get over. still to this day I will think about it but it doesn't affect me as bad as it used to

Porcelaine · Answer

Well it's not like you see her as a casual thing. I understand how she would change the opinion of the past but not the present. It's not realistic to expect everyone to have the same beliefs as her, especially guys who are very sexual. If she lets this impact the relationship in a negative way she is insecure and too judgmental.

Teahappy · Answer

I don't personally understand why females get so bent out of shape about guys past relationships and the sex they had. Whether your girlfriend is traditional, I know for a fact she wasn't completely holy all her life. Don't make her guilt trip you. She should be more understanding and not hound you about it. You're with her and you clearly care about her enough not to leave her. She should appreciate you being honest with her.

MsElizabeth96 · Answer

There's really not much you can do yourself at this point, it's in her hands now.

The only thing you can be advised to do is what NOT to do. Don't talk about it, don't talk about those girls, don't let your friends or family bring it up.

You've made your bed, now you have to lay in it. She might leave you, and if she does, that's the consequence of your choices

nerms123 · Answer

You aren’t what she thought you were so she has to reassess how she feels about you. This will take time and who knows what she will decide.

Anonymous · Answer

Of course she is distant. By omission, you lied to her about a very important thing to her. Now she doesn't know if you were using her, and she doesn't know if she can trust you either. All you can do, is give her time, be emotionally gentle, and apologize as much as needed. Personally, if a girl did that to me, I would likely end the relationship, because trust and honest is important to me.

AngelAimée · Answer

She's probably worried that you see your relationship as something casual now with the type of past you have. Just reassurance her that you aren't like that anymore because you've found her and only want her.

My girlfriend just found about my sexual past and is upset about it. Help?

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