What should I do if my boyfriend STONEWALLED me for the first time?

Question

We've been dating for a little under 2 years. We had an argument and I was sticking to my side, because I care about him and I needed him to consider my advice (I know I was right) but he was not trying to listen to me. After a while, he began ignoring me, avoiding eye contact, and joking about me getting frustrated. The hurt my feelings and I'm thinking about not talking to him and giving him the silence he wanted. What should I do? I haven't encountered a situation like this before

LesterJester · Accepted Answer

"I needed him to consider my advice (I know I was right) but he was not trying to listen to me..."

That attitude right there is the problem. You know you're right and he is wrong, determined by you.

Since none of us know the context of the argument or what you think you're right about or not, advice will be limited. But whether you think you were right or if the roles were reversed and he was on here going on about being right, I would be saying the same thing...

It's his life and you're not his mother, just as it is your life and he isn't your dad. You can discuss a situation or concern and offer advice and express your worries, but in the end, it is his decision to choose what he does with his life and his body and mind. You can not force or pressure someone to change their way of life or their behaviour simply because you think you know best.

You either accept the choices he makes in his life and are OK with those choices being a part of your life as well, or you don't accept them, understand that he isn't going to budge and change simply because you think he should, and break up & move on.

There are simply times in one's life where they need to figure things out first hand, usually the hard way, and change themselves for the better... Or they don't change for the better and get worse.

The question you need to ask yourself is whether this issue is a deal breaker or if it's something you should just let slide because it's not really that important in the long run.

My first two serious relationships involved girls who didn't accept me for who I was, liked certain things about me, and figured they could change the other issues later down the road and eventually force me into being the guy they wanted. I should have dumped them both the first time they pulled this crap, but I figured we could still make it work. Nothing changed after a few years of being together with each, they kept trying to pressure me into being something I wasn't and doing things I didn't like, while me hoping that me not doing that to them would eventually make them stop... And then I would start thinking about improving myself for myself and in turn, maybe change some of the things they had issues with.

Hell, I even did change a few things here and there thinking there could be a middle ground and compromise. Yet both never changed their ways, they never improved the things that bugged me. Only I was expected to change, not them.

So eventually, I saw how things were, I stopped giving a shit about what they wanted or what they expected out of me and those relationships ended.

I married my wife because we both accepted each other for who we were, neither tried to change or force each other to do things we didn't want to and therefore, both of us were more willing to change ourselves to better the relationship without even having to ask or demand each other to.

If one of us was doing something that concerned the other, we would discuss and express our concerns, but neither would ever demand the other to do this or that, or pressure the other to do as we say because "I know I'm Right."

That's a sure fire way to start a conflict and you'll never get the outcome you were hoping for, unless you were hoping for a fight.

You can express your concerns and worries and then you leave it at that. Don't toss an ultimatum or demand they do something at the end. If they give a damn, they will eventually change themselves and know what they need to do without having to be treated like a child.

If not, then again, ask yourself if you want to put up with this for longer or find someone more compatible.

If this is about substance abuse, well that's for him to decide and deal with and for you to decide if you want to put up with it.

If he's cheating on you, well that's nothing worth a discussion or ultimatum over... That's a flat out dumping on the spot.

The_Sword · Accepted Answer

you haven't provided enough details about why and what's going on; and because of the details which you do provide, that you think offers enough about an issue that you can be advised on, it seems clear to me that your judgement might not be the most reliable or reasonable in matters that are complex. If you have a disagreement about something, learn how to communicate better, be better at persuasion, or stand up for your own views, and then finally agree to disagree... if you can't do this, then by your own opinion, either your boyfriend is an idiot, or your not good at giving advice, or not good at assessing complicated issues that he is dealing with. Generally people do not have relationships with people whose judgement they don't respect: but also, usually women don't have a well developed judgement, because there is always someone willing to assist them with consequences that they had overlooked or mismanaged, whereas men don't have a culture of sympathy to depend on, they will be scorned in most kinds of irresponsibility and left to suffer any consequences produced by their own lack of accountability: this is how men are trained in order to become 'good men' that woman can feel comfortable and secure in depending on (and absorbing woman's expectations and desires). Your inability to substantiate any reasonable grounds to support your argument that your boyfriend should be automatically expected to agree with your feelings of intellectual superiority and 'right'ness, is ironic, and seems to confirm the trope that I described. Why didn't you include more details, it's very suspicious: if you can't talk things out to a mutual completion, then there is no living trust in the relationship, if someone stonewalled me, I would instantly break up with them, but that is because I have the willingness to get to the bottom of any disagreement, and move my own opinion to accommodate and explore other factors I didn't believe were important before the communication. Maybe he Stonewalled you because he is a shallow person who can't communicate, or because your style of communication is too arrogant/rigid/conceited. Either way, one of you should of worked on changing the others style of discourse, unless both of you guys have similar impediments. :<

dipta · Accepted Answer

I agree with what @jxoesneon said.
Even though you know you're right, you can only give your opinion on the subject and still allow him to make a decision on his own.

He may resent that you feel he should do something X way, or maybe that you think he's not very bright. Well, he basically seems to want to do whatever it is his own way.
Unless the issue has something to do with him seeing a doctor for an health issue or something equally important, I would let him be.

DorkVader · Accepted Answer

Without knowing what the argument was about, if it is really a big problem, you need to try and sit down with him as rationally as you can. Some arguments are growing pains in a relationship and need to happen. If it is something minor, let it go. In the end, you can't make someone change, so you have to make the choice for yourself whether whatever is acceptable or a dealbreaker to you if he continues to be resistant.

spartan55 · Answer

I guess he is embarrassed about being Quickdraw with you. His excuse is total bullshit by the way. A woman not being verbal during sex wouldn't make him shoot sooner... it would be a turn off and he wouldn't be able to pop or get hard. So his excuse is backwards. And I hope you noticed that he blamed you for skeetin so fast. That would have pissed me off if I were you.
The guy sounds like a dick. Are there no other Canucks around that will fuck you without a committment?

jxoesneon · Answer

I had a similar situation, I gave advice and it was not heard, but I believe a good partner need to be supportive.

I suggest to sit with him, explain in a clear manner (preferably with hard points) on why you disagree but allow him to do as he wants.

Most people don't understand untill they have made a mistake.

Once he does, be there for him, but try not to rub it in, he will understand that your advice was because you cared for him

LoU_Hades · Answer

Yes, as a girl I trusted several years showed me clearly that I shouldn't trust her. I got distanced, stopped being intimate with her, finally she cheated. I wasn't disappointed, because she gave me the evidence that she isn't worth to be someone special.
I sounds like guy lost the trust in you, hence he is now dishonest

MusicMayhem · Answer

"I was sticking to my side, because I care about him"

No you weren't. You were sticking to your side because you needed him to be wrong to protect your ego, as evidenced by...

"(I know I was right)"

He stonewalled you because he knows you only care for yourself and you can't compromise and be reasoned with in an argument.

Somethingwittty · Answer

Well if there is no agreeing on the topic at hand come to a compromise. Have a talk with him he can't get out of and tell him you want to work things out because you believe things shouldn't be this way and its hurting both of you to behave like this.

ForteExe · Answer

Quit trying to defeat your boyfriend, first off. "Winning the argument" is a losing strategy in relationships. Sounds like he distanced himself because he saw he wasn't getting anywhere and didn't want to keep fighting with you, and then joked about it in an attempt to lighten the mood. Rather than continuing the fight, try to find some common ground and move past it.

Anonymous · Answer

I give the silent treatment sometimes, and it helps both of you cool off. But is not particularly productive. Dont let the need to be right create drama in your relationship.

David_Kek · Answer

Need more info. What do you mean "we had an argument"?

Anonymous · Answer

It's clear his opinion on the matter, as well as his feelings, don't mean a damn thing to you. Stop being so selfish and narcissistic.

bamesjond0069 · Answer

He doesn't have to consider your advice. Its his right

KungfuCyborg · Answer

Tell him to join the GOP, he'll fit right in.

What should I do if my boyfriend STONEWALLED me for the first time?

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