Is hyper empathy unhealthy in a relationship?

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Ignore last question as it got posted in the wrong topic.

I've made some research and found out it can be a serious issue.
Hyper empathy is also called the "care syndrome", and makes the person do their best in taking care of the hurt partner, physically and emotionally.
The problem comes when there's nothing that hurts the subject of affection or gives them something to "heal" them from - the hyper empath feels "useless" and this can lead them either to fall in depression, or actively looking for other means for their partner to be hurt, even to the point of sabotaging them.
It's not done out of sadism, but because it will make their partner vulnerable and helpless again, and so extra responsive to the hyper empath's care and comfort.
Thoughts?

[MaxDeez]

Can that also apply to parent/child scenario? I am 100% a bottomless pit of empathy but i dont feel like i would sabotage a situation, i genuinely want everything to play out in a genuine fashion at the end. But for example, my friend's mom makes her daughter trip up on purpose it seems yet i know she loves her and wouldn't want her to be hurt in any way. But its pretty serious now the girl is in a manic state either low or high, and the mother is still not listening to no one. Its a very long story but at the end of the day this is the outcome. I've been waiting for my friend to come out of her zoned out world each month during the last year and in some cases it took her 2 months to snap out of it with this one seeming to be the scariest of all at about 3-4 weeks so far and i wait fir her phone call every day. Her mother blocks her phone from anyone being able to call her. Administers some meds no one knows the names of any more and the girl has no say she is just making her into a vegetable and i feel like its just kicking the shit out of me mentally and emotionally. I have no idea what to do. But i know that sometimes my poor friend has enough and she tries to get out of that mental prison by any means possible to get to an actual hospital it seems and last time she took an enormous amount of advil that she almost died but it wasn't the first time she did strange things while seeming not in control yet very obvious outcries for outside help it hurts to be a part of. She would get to a hospital in a strange way and without her mom being around for a day or two the most she calls me and asks me to pick her up. I dont usually and let her family handle it but then she comes out and whatever her mother gives her maybe has her going right back into this state. I dont know what to think anymore maybe im driving myself insane but its all documented and the patterns are obvious. Should i do anything and if so what? I dont want to be the crazy asshole who is going against everyone but im afraid nobody else even tries looking at it from my nut job perspective. Everyone worries about the mother and what the girl put her through but the girl grew up with no father figure and no discipline at all as well as her mom being the one who took her daughter to some phony doctors who prescribed anything the girl wanted when she was either12 or 16 years old. She is 27 now and after a decade of drug abuse, psychotropic medication and alcohol she finally quit everything and it was great until all of a sudden about a year ago these episodes began and only gotten worse and worse. Now i only talk to her when she gets to a hospital and away from her mom for a day or two and every single time she is fine and herself again until she gets back home and goes blank again for longer and longer. I love her as a person and i just want her to be ok. I dont know what to do and if there is anything that can be done. Everyone else already said goodbye to her and im speechless

[SuperManiac]

I have something like that, although fortunately not the sabotaging tendencies. On the contrary, it's rather pointless to me if the person isn't genuinely improving. My motivation isn't necessarily praise (I'm rather numb to compliments) or even gratefulness. It's kind of like a "martyr syndrome".

It's like one time I gave thousands of dollars to a homeless man I saw with no shoes, and his feet were purple and yellow sitting there shivering without complaint. Meanwhile, I'm in the snow with warm clothes and shoes and I couldn't help but impulsively inclined to dash to the ATM and give him everything I had, only to find myself barely able to pay the rent that month. He barely even acknowledged me but it's like I needed to do that to feel okay about myself. I've had many incidents like this although I learned not to give away everything all at once (have to save a little bit for myself).

I've been like that somehow since I was a little boy. It's like a kid would trip and fall and drop things and kids would laugh, and then I'm rushing to help him. One time a middle-aged woman dropped her ice cream, the same thing, and I'm offering mine to hers. Another time the students didn't like a substitute teacher in our class so when the bell rang, while he was distracted, a couple of the kids grabbed his lunch and threw it in the trash... so I offered him my lunch.

It does motivate me to do a lot of good things even for complete strangers, but it's like I'm addicted to it. I can't even enjoy a fun party with friends if I see even one person, perhaps even a complete stranger, out of the corner of my eye who is upset. Suddenly it's not fun and games for me anymore, and I have to try and see what's wrong if only to selfishly be able to rejoin my friends and have fun again.

And I do have a mild "death wish", I think. I figure that's why I've been an adrenaline junkie and thrill seeker all my life. I want to immunize myself to fear and pain because it's like I'm supposed to die horribly. I'm not supposed to die peacefully in my bed. I'm supposed to do it saving someone else's life. And I thought I found that opportunity rescuing a couple from a gang beating, but I survived in the hospital, and maybe I was supposed to die... and I think I've been in limbo since those moments, kind of eager to find another dangerous situation where I can save lives because I've been training all my life to do it. It's a little bit different from self-harm or suicide since I would find it a pointless death to just dying for no reason. It's more like I just need to do it saving a life, and then my training will be complete.

[SuperManiac]

For relationships, I do derive some sort of guilty pleasure when my wife catches a cold or something in that I get to take care of her... although it's hardly something I would ever want to induce, as that would be highly immoral from my POV. Actually all I really want to do is die a decent person, I think. I might have been inspired by figures like Jesus Christ (my mother was very Christian even though I couldn't get myself to believe). The usual kind of heroic badass probably isn't for me, since I don't think I could kill or even maliciously hurt anyone without it weighing on my conscience, and I'm not built like some badass fighter... but maybe I could be a martyr like that.

But of course, my tendency to put myself in harm's way and eager to find a good way to die is still harmful to the relationship in its own way.

[SuperManiac]

One of the biggest sources of depression for me usually is when I do these sorts of things and am confronted by an idea that I might not be quite tough enough to shoulder the world's pain... there was a time when I rescued the couple from the gang beating and the gang turned to me where I wanted to give up and surrender as they fractured my hands just blocking their kicks and other parts of my body. And that has bothered me ever since because it didn't really change my actions or the outcome but my mind gave up and I wanted it to stop -- I wasn't tough enough to endure it without my mind submitting... so maybe it's like I fell sort of Christ on the cross in a way -- I lost myself to despair for a moment and I failed.

And the same sort of thing when I gave away everything to the homeless guy in the winter and found myself irritated that I had to eat bread and eggs for a few weeks and wanted to complain about it, and thinking myself so spoiled... things of this sort. It's like I try to do good things and realize I'm not strong enough to bear the consequences, and that's a deeply troubling thought to me... so I put myself in harm's way even more eagerly each time so that the next time it happens, hopefully, I can handle it better.

[SuperManiac]

Apologies for rambling a bit. I got my toe cut off this month and been thinking about this a lot. Actually it's also bothering me because it's starting to seem kind of selfish to put myself in harm's way when I got a wife. When I was a bachelor it was easier because I was never that close to family or anything like that so I could rationalize it as purely selfless if I died saving people. Now I'm all confused.

[Anonymous]

I am very empathic but I don't like having to take care of my partner so I guess it varies from person to person. I have my own problems and I don't want a kid for a partner.
My ex suffered from mental illness. I do tend to attract people with different forms of issues and they always ASK me to take care of them, as if they can feel that I am empathic or it shines through somehow. I couldn't help him well though and it made me feel bad. I suck at talking about emotions and such things and I never know what to do when someone is hurting but I can always feel what they're feeling, which drags me down and then we both end up feeling terrible. In that relationship both of us instead got very co-depedent. I have social anxiety and he had his mental illness so he was always trying to help me out while also requiring my help all the time. I could hardly stand being near him when he was at a very low point though because I could feel it, and it made me depressed. I didn't know how to process what I felt. It's always like that for me that when someone near to me is hurting I start hurting even if I was happy and I can't shut it out and separate what they feel from what I feel it just melts together. So yeah in that sense it can probably be unhealthy, at least if the person i'm with can't take care of themselves. With me and my ex it worked perfectly well until he cut off contact with his dr and stopped taking his meds and his wellbeing went downhill and affected me so much I needed therapy myself.

[Anonymous]

I think being empathic is viewed like introversion used to be viewed in a negative light. Now we know that introversion has it's pluses and minuses. Like introverts, empathetic people have to learn how to live with their empathic natures.

Being empathic can have some positive aspects to it. We tend to sense things sooner about people and situations before other people.

The problem is that we need guidance learning how to protect ourselves from too much of other people's energies. It takes learning to set clear boundaries and not to help everyone.

One thing that can happen to an empath is if they are in a relationship with someone who has issues then it can trigger the hyper empathic thinking like I need to fix this or over do for the other person to the detriment of their own self care.

I wish I know now back 40 years ago. It would have made life much easier. Now I just try to let go of people who are not conducive to my well being and to pick and choose who I should be empathic towards.

Post Note: I reread your post and you are talking more about finding a problem where there is non. That is slightly different than what I described.

[SpacedCharr]

Yes.

My ex was this, except he had no control over it or himself. I was the same.

We both self-destructed towards the end of the relationship, though arguably I turned myself around sooner than he did and he put on lead shoes straight to rock bottom.

A man who has a saviour complex is worse than a man who has little empathy.

And a woman with a saviour complex is likewise worse.

Empathy is important, of course, but so is independence. Hyper empathy breeds and thrives in codependence.

And codependence is fucking terrible for everyone involved and around it.

[Raunch]

AMEN

[coachTanthony]

I dated a woman who always asked... ok what's wrong? Like all the time.. I gave no indications at all that there was anything wrong but she still asked anyway.

This can be very annoying and will eventually effect the relationship in a negative way. That is my experience with it personally but I have had clients that have had more serious issues.

I would say hyper empathy isn't real empathy... it's an addiction to the feelings that "real empathy" gives you... therefor they create problems that really don't exist so that they can get that high that they felt from the limited amount of times they had with true empathy.

And yes even at their partners expense.

[razelove]

Yeah, sabotage or harm out of love, and out of the bed, are still sabotage and harm.

[Porcelaine]

Well that's extremely unhealthy trait to have single or in a relationship and it tells me that a person needs to confront where is that need coming from, that's almost like a disorder that you would hurt someone just so you would care them back to health. It's not out of sadism I get what you're saying but this definitely would need to be analyzed and given it a healthier way of affecting people around them, caring without putting them down first. This is not empathy either, people who have true empathy won't hurt someone else not even the tiniest bit as they would be hurting themselves at the same time. This has something to do with their need always "help" and care for them

[Moonchild714]

Has a Professional actually Diagnosed her with Borderline Personality Disoder? If you truly researched it you'd lnow that's what Hyper-Empathy is and it is NOT Healthy for the Person with BPD and those around them!!! Come on you really are questioning if causing someone pain is "Unhealthy"?

[mermaidrocketship]

Never heard the term, but it makes sense. It sounds similar to Munchausen by proxy. It’s definitely unhealthy. All relationships need some level of give and take. Even parents and children; parents support a child who loves them in return (in the healthy parent-child relationships). If your relationship is based on one partner giving to the other, you don’t have an equal romantic relationship. Even the healthiest person might start sabotaging their partner if it becomes the dynamic v

[nerms123]

That’s not real empathy because real empathy would also feel the happy feelings of the partner and feel happy for them as well.

[AshleyMadison00]

True.

[LuWe22]

Sounds like the munchausen syndrome. They are making they own loved ones sick to appear as loving care taker

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

It's similar but slightly different - Munchausens do it to get attention and praise.
Hyper empaths don't care about getting praise - they do it because they feel it's their "life mission".

[NYCstreetPhotog]

I'm not sure, but some of that sounds like myself, though I've never sabotaged my SO, not that I know of, god I hope I haven't...

[soleil2666]

That's the top question - can you find 'the one' - a person you understand and don't need to empathise with (because you feel them already by your own internal dynamics) - or do you go hyper-empathic (which, if it is care more then pleasure and fun, puts you in a parental/sibling role towards them, rather than one of being their lover, the fully formed opposite sex being they engage with sexually rather than socially)

[soleil2666]

I would think that the care needs to be there for 'when needed' - but not be the primary connection type - otherwise it's a relationship out of pity (which is super boring) - or you go into the evil that is hurting someone else so they would need care (and that's a serious issue/a major deviation from being healthy)

[soleil2666]

Relationships out of (mutual) pity, as friendly as they may be, are still essentially devoid of that 'love' spark - to feel in love, wholly, you do need to be at least mostly healthy. I believe care (or compassion) as a component needs to be there for the other person to feel safe or at least not-threatened by with you - but that a love relationship is simply needs to be based on attraction, physical and to your strengths, essentially, not to your weaknesses.
(Attraction to someone's weakness makes whoever provides the care expect to be cared for as well - that'd be codependence). The difference there would be that if you are not basing it on care alone - once the person cared for it healthy, you'd either treat them as a sexual human or you'd let them go if both-sided attraction wasn't there - no ifs, no buts.

[soleil2666]

A sentence with an error/unedited text there, - 'is simply' together with 'needs to be', and a typo at 'it healthy' instead of 'is healthy'. No edit function on the post - but you get the gist of it (I'll call it my Brussels-French side to not care that much)

[soleil2666]

I'll add this much more - my definition of an ideally healthy relationship is that attraction leads to having children. You don't HAVE to go that far because you don't HAVE to have a child with a person you are attracted to - but to consider that model as anything pathological is pathological itself (for the simple reason that 'healthy' is defined as the average over the duration of time - we are formed in such a way that sexuality and procreation are the basis of the continuance of life beyond our time-limited lives (the topic no one ever wants to consider in its practical meaning - it is always relegated to the domain of philosophical to remove the fear (of the pain or the consequences) of dying)
It is by no means the only way to procreate - the nature itself cares little for more than the biology - but the holly grail of wisdom applied is there - in the simple thing of how to bond with a partner in a way so healthy it ensures health in subsequent generations.
French history had a lot of care be required for the country to pull out of war losses - so the care aspects are highly developed and built into the psyche (only French people can read other's pain-based motivations and disregard them/not take them personally - all others personify someone else's pain and then try to FIGHT it (which causes more pain))
That being said, I am yet to meet anyone French who doesn't care TOO much - the simple 'I like her' seems to get overcomplicated into 'her deviations from (perfect) health' and 'your deviations from (perfect) health' - and considering those deviations can be so minor it doesn't count - a bit of happiness instead would also do.
Santé 🥂😃

[Edanurus]

Excess of anything is unhealthy. If someone is too empathetic then they hurt more about your problems than you do so when you're struggling with something then you have to help them deal with your problems rather than helping yourself so you keep it to yourself

[Lliam]

I agree.

https://exploringyourmind.com/hyper-empathy-syndrome-much-good-thing/

[Anonymous]

Well obviously it’s unhealthy if it’s to the point that they need to hurt someone. That’s not even a question.

[AshleyMadison00]

That's the kicker. I thought love was EFFECTIVE IN EVERY CATEGORY

[razzamatazzp01]

So this care syndrome actually takes over your mind and forces you to take care of a hurt partner? I'm sure it doesn't, but that's the way that you make it seem. Sounds a lot like codependency to me.

[broken_heart_at_48]

I would say if my partner is trying to sabotage me that's definitely a bad thing no matter why she's doing it. Bouncing

[hollyeood69]

I see this a lot in relationships.. i just left one like it.. im a lot happier now that it's over.. however I still miss the idea of "us" but sometimes you gotta stop toxic relationships...

[Anonymous]

Emotional Munchausen syndrome. Its very similar to how a covert narcissist operates, but with different "background processes". No less damaging to the victim.

[WhiteShoulder]

Yes. It can be unhealthy.

[Massageman]

Explained in this way, it sounds as though it could be a co-dependency issue.

[Jamie05rhs]

That's really weird. I would definitely run away from someone like that.