I'm 28 1/2 years old. Am I too ugly for a boyfriend or husband?

[Apotheosis]

Hello, and happy New Year. I'll be 29 in Summer 2020, and have never dated or had a boyfriend before. I live in the US and went to a huge public HS, public university, gad school, and now I work too. I have never been asked on a date before, and never heard of a guy liking me or thinking I'm attractive.

I'm 5'7" and weigh about 118 lbs. My family is from Pakistan, but I grew up here. My mom has been trying to arrange my marriage since 2014, but either we never heard back, or guys are just "not interested." Or I just never herd back from them.

I can afford a rhinoplasty and other cosmetic procedures. Since I work at a medical school, I get a 20% discount, so I am exploring some options.

It's painful to attend all of my friends weddings, and then fantasize about my own someday - if I have the privilege of finding someone who cares for me. I don't have any experience with men at all, and at my age, it's not normal. I. find myself thinking that no man will want me when he has other, better options. I would love to be a mom and have my own kids and family someday too.

Can you please look at some pictures and tell me what you think, honestly? These are not my best pictures and they have no filter or photoshop. Do I have a chance at finding someone who cares about me, chooses me over others? What kind of advice do you have for me?

https://imgur.com/Pdsgiok
https://imgur.com/vek979n
https://imgur.com/MYc65qX

Thank you for reading.

[Slackster]

Now. You might not like what im about to say.

Ready?

Are you sure you want to read a non bullshit comment not blatantly calling you beautiful?

Well alright then.

You are average in the looks apartment.

However, you are not ugly.

Try to think of a man you would consider average, he isn't a sexy man but he does shine abit better in different lights and have some decent qualities about him, which you will realise over time.

Now think of a disguisting fat pig that sits at home all day with no goals or general direction in life. Not even having the willpower to take care of himself physically or mentaly.
quite the ugly waste of space speciemen if you ask me.

are you the latter? obviously not.

Surgery for beautification in my opinion are like drugs. A quick short lived psychological boost which open the doors for more surgeries for no reason in most cases, unless you have a fucking third ear growing on your cheek for some reason.
Then please do that shit asap!

You do not have a gorgeous face that will attract people to have a second and third glance at you. but not a lot of people do.

This is starting to get really long... you are in for quite the read now..

Seeing as your family is from pakistan, it will create some problems when you want to find non-pakistani partners. Because most people that i know of at least, see it as abit of a cultural clash of differences and such, which makes the situation at least slightly bothersome for your potentisal male suitor who is thinking of having you as a partner for the rest of his life.

Having to deal with this culture he knows next to nothing about which has several different ways of living and views then he does.

Now if ur still reading this i have to give you props for not skiping this shit altogether.

I will tell you a sort of secret from my experience which some men might not say or even realise.

I do not look for amazing looking woman because i know that most of the time, the woman with average looks are the onse that actually wants to please their man because they know they arnt beauties. They often are the ones with the most love to give and are the ones that are most loyal.

I hope you can realise that there is a big gap between ugly and average.
and you are certainly not ugly, you just have some obstacles in search of a partner.

Alrighty.. Seeing as i've been rather harsh and direct of sorts, i will leave you with a nice comment.

You are slim which is a big pluss, your side profile is defined and nice, you are not too tall and the fact that you have no experience with men, in all honesty, in my book that is a pluss.

Why is that good thing? Because a first experience is always special.
A first walk through the woods together just chatting and relaxing, a first swim in the ocean just playing around.

If you combine that with a personality that is somewhat lonely, innocent and caring looking for someone to give all their love to.

Then.. honestly you couldnt ask for too much more from a partner.

[Apotheosis]

Hi and thanks for your response. My family is not very traditional. We're well-assimilated in American society and values.

[Levin]

You're definitely pretty and attractive.

You're also sexually attractive.

Don't think of butchering yourself with such procedures.

Is it a cultural issue? Can Pakistani women date/have sex? Are you seeking a Western guy, or someone from your own background?

As a Western guy, the Pakistani thing would probably put me off. I'd assume that there would be religious/family issues/ issues around sex.

I think you have to learn to love yourself. You have had a lot of, in my view, polluting thoughts about being undesirable and left on the shelf. You have to find your own value and own voice. If you think poorly of yourself, you will just settle for less than you're deserving of. Sometimes, things can turn out in a way, that may seem unfair or disheartening in the moment, but are actually quite protecting of you. If things haven't worked out, try and think from a wider angle why they haven't.

Dating is not easy in general. Negative thoughts plague us all, about being not good enough, about being a second choice. From my perspective, I would seek to try and liberate myself. Both from my own thoughts, and from the kind of negativity that comes from family, friends, societal expectations.
But you must walk a path that feels right for you.

[Apotheosis]

Hi and thank you for your detailed reply. I know I have to work on my self-esteem and confidence, but a lot of girls I know who are not confident in themselves have still been able to find boyfriends and get married. So what is the difference between me and them?

I have my own values, and have worked on myself a lot. A few years ago, I was an unpaid intern. Today, I'm a project manager with 20 direct reports.

Dating seems really easy for a lot of women. Thy go from one men to the next without any difficulty for me, dating has been nearly impossible. I said this to someone else, and I'll say it again - I feel like I'm slowly giving up and caring less and less. I'm so hurt by other people questions about my dating life, because thy expect me to have one when in reality I don't.

[Levin]

Don't compare yourself to others. You don't know what's happening in other peoples lives. They will find some things easy, but struggle with others. You should learn to appreciate what you have.

I understand how you feel to some degree because I have been single for a long time also. It's easy to become embittered or give up.

Do you go out much and meet men in real life? I have found online dating to be utter crap. It's far worse for men than it is for women, believe me.

I'm struggling to give you any kind of deeper advice because I have a lot of questions for you.

I think you should give less of a shit what people think of you. You don't have to justify yourself to other people. I know it's not so easy in reality, but it is true.

I'm also suggesting, or guessing, there may be difficulties in terms of how you relate yourself to men, that may be putting them off. How open and receptive are you in actuality? Might your insecurities be causing you to close down, be defensive, etc. We all pick up on subconscious cues. It might not be that we don't like you. But that you're not letting us in. Body language is another factor.

Rather than thinking of the impossibilities, like I say, I'd try and take a wider perspective, and ask yourself what may be the deeper cause of this. In my experience, life doesn't want to see you screwed over. It wants to see you dignified and empowered, but sometimes we can make choices that are contrary to that. That's when there are issues.

I'd also be interested to hear how sexuality, religion and family expectations can, err, peacefully co-exist. I don't know what your views are on it. But a lot of men will want to have sex. I don't think that's a superficial thing.

[Apotheosis]

I know I need to work on not comparing myself so much. I have always struggled with it, including body image, academics, and now romantic relationships etc.

I'm not suer about my body language. I'd have to ask a friend. I'll be seeing them soon after the new year, so I can ask them. One of them is an LPN, the other was Associate Director for child psychiatric services. They are both really cool people and will be honest with me.

I wish I didn't care about what other people think either, and I'm getting better at it. Maybe it's an age thing. Some of the comments people make are so hurtful though. Sometimes, I tell myself that if I do get married someday, I won't invite those mean "family friends" who brushed me aside as soon as thy got married

I'm not opposed to intimacy at all, I ant that very much. But someone would have to be patient with me since it would all be new. I have 0 experience. And why would a guy want a newbie like me when there are more experienced, faster girls out there?

[Levin]

The right guy won't mind being patient. He will be quite thrilled about being your first, since he can teach you something new and make you feel an immense amount of pleasure. Again, more negative self talk, seeing the worst in anything. You could frame your virginity as a positive thing.

And yes, people say very hurtful things. I see it all as a test though. How I react to them. What my reactions tell me about myself. In a certain way, you should be thankful for negative experiences. They teach you so much about yourself.

[Apotheosis]

Thanks a loft for talking me through this. I'm feeling much better after reading yours and other's replies. Hoping 2020 will be a wonderful year.

[Anonymous]

You are beautiful. Please do not change your looks to get a man. It won’t work because you’re approaching this all wrong.
Focus on the inside, not the outside. Build yourself to be confident and fulfilled on the inside. Put yourself out there. Love is patient and natural. It’s not forced. It comes to people at all ages.

I had never been liked or asked out until I was 21. Before that, I tried so hard to fix my looks and thought about surgery. Eventually I just gave up in my mind and focused on myself. I joined activities, clubs, church groups, and put myself out there. I was very shy but forced myself to befriend people including a few guys. They were not people I imagined wanting to date. They were very average or below average looking. But one of them asked me out and I gave him a chance. He ended up being amazing and I’m still with him.

Please to not equate beauty to approachability. I know women who are below average in looks who have have many relationships. Men find her extremely approachable because she is very outgoing. They were also impressed that she took initiative to ask some of them out first. She has faced many rejections too. I also know women who are gorgeous and have not had relationships or been asked out. They are quieter and don’t put themselves out there. Outer beauty does not always equal more dates.

Don’t be afraid to take initiative to befriend guys or ask out guys. Chances are they may be too scared to ask you out or may just be oblivious. Don’t fear rejection either because it happens.

[Apotheosis]

Thank you so much for sharing your story! I will work on being more approachable and getting more involved. Happy New Year :)

[Anonymous]

You are very attractive. No need for any cosmetic proceedures. Are you actually sitting, waiting for a guy to turn up, or are you going out actively looking?

If you are waiting for one to come along, you will wait forever. Go out and find your own guy. You ARE beautiful enough!

[scooogy]

"your own guy" as if we could be owned :P

[Apotheosis]

Hello and thank you for your reply. I go out with friends and stuff, and I'm on two dating sites and have met. few guys, but nothing of substance. I work and have been to college, but even then no guys ever liked me or talk to me. I'll keep trying though. Thank you.

[Opinion Owner]

No probs! Keep looking!

[Opinion Owner]

@scooogy lol! I mean find a guy for herself. Not let anyone else find one for her.

[scooogy]

@juicyjessie said the owner of all male hearts on here <3

[Apotheosis]

I have asked my friends to help me too though, and my mom is still tying the arranged marriage thing, but it's not going anywhere.

[Opinion Owner]

Never give up! You will find someone!

[Opinion Owner]

@scooogy 😊😊😊‼

[boredpuppy]

Wow, you are actually really attractive, it was a nice surprise, thinking after reading your description oh poor girl must be kind of ugly, but noup.

Now, i know your nose is giving you insecurities, and based on yiur description I tought it was going to be this kind of crooked big eagle type of nose, but to be completly honest thats a really nice nose, specially the lines that you se from profile.

Now, since we are being honest here, I can tell you that the looks aren't the problem (at all), so thats just leaves us with your personality (sorry), you are really attractive and if you haven't had dates ever, then you are doing something bad personality-wise. Which of course It's hard to be more specific since I don't know you.

But really never dated? What about casual hook ups or one night stands, you have never had some guy get all flirty on you? Or that has happened but nothing like SERIOUS dating?

[Apotheosis]

I've never had a hook-up (I'm a virgin) and never had a casual boyfriend either. I've been on. dinner date from the online dating thing I did though. I had my first dinner date in January of this year.

[Apotheosis]

And guys have never, ever flirted with me. I feel like they don't even look at me.

[boredpuppy]

Huh... Honestly I kind of find that difficult to believe...

Mmmh... I think that you FEEL that people don't look at you but I think it's just that you don't SEE them looking at you.

Nah I still think is a personality issue thing, either you are insecure or just plain weird (lol sorry)

It may also be some sort of cultural shock, for what you say about arranged marriages it souns like your family is a really traditional family.

Tell me something how is your selfsteem, be honest, you can dm if you like or keep it here.

[Apotheosis]

I'm not from a traditional or conservative family. My parents are divorced, and I dress like any other American girl.

I'm not weird either, lol. I have friends, and none of them have told me I'm weird. One of them has, however, told me I'm reserved. She's a LNP and super cool :) And I know for a fact I don't smell bad too.

As for my self-esteem, I've always struggled with it. here's the psychology - when I was in elementary school and mddiil school, girls were getting boyfrieds and attention from guys, and I did not. I assumed it was due to my looks or complexion. It made me feel ugly and unattractive. As I got older, in HS, and college/grad school, nothing changed even though I looked better. (better skincare, went from 130 lbs to 115 lbs.) but still, not boyfriends. Imagine what that does to your self-esteem. I'm 28 and a virgin - that is definitely not normal at all.

I've been seeing a therapist to help me work through my issues. My workplace offers 6 sessions for free as part of our benefits package.

[boredpuppy]

I didn't meant weird in a bad way, there are some people who can't be sexual enough to get attention in that way or just don't know how to flirt.

Hell maybe you have a resting bitch face and people don't feel confident to walk up to you, or maybe you are too smart and that usually keeps people away

Keep working on your therapy and that will definitely work for understanding what is going on

As for being virgin at 28 i mean, i have known people older than that that are virgins, there is nothing wrong with that, now as for them it was a choice, if it hasn't been a choice for you well then that kind of sucks but don't overthink that. We don't really care about it, i mean sure younger guys think is cool to bang a virgin, but for most is not a big deal,. And of course if you dont say it then nobody will know it.

[Anonymous]

What you look like is not the problem.

You live in a racist country full of Christians, the culture there is so oppressive that even none Christians must pretend to be Christians in order to function.

Arranged marriages are not at all normal anywhere in the western world.

You are presumably Muslim or at least your strict and controlling parents are, that is the source of your problem.

Maybe its about time you stopped listening to people and dogma which has clearly failed you and embrace the ideas of freedom which do exist to some degree in the country you have chosen to settle in, or indeed move to another country.

Seems like something worth considering before you start cutting your face up which by the way would be a deal breaker for me, I dont want anything to do with someone who would go under the knife for no good reason.

Your religion is a deal breaker for me too and I sure as shit dont want parents like yours in my life.

[Opinion Owner]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2iM9hkIs3IE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S6f2F3h6i9A

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pzefxnu6w9w

[imoulou]

While reading i thought you would be unattractive af but that's the complete contrary
You're really pretty and you seem kind
So I don't know maybe you should try to use dating apps

[Apotheosis]

Hi, I have tried two dating apps, and they are ok. I've met a guy guys from there, but nothing of substance. What qualities and traits do men like in women?

[imoulou]

It depends I don't know you should ask them maybe

[Somebodyelse2018]

You’re honestly gorgeous! I’d suggest you to use dating apps. If you’re Muslim, I suggest you trying Muzmatch. You’ll find your person.

[Apotheosis]

Hello and thank you for your reply. My concern with that site is bumping into family friends, community members, co-workers, etc. I know someone who was on there and said we have a lot of mutual friends who are on there too... So it might be awkward.

Also, why do you think girls can easily find a boyfriend and for others it's really hard? What separates them? And how can I come off as more approchable?

[Somebodyelse2018]

It doesn’t have to be awkward. If you bump into them, it means they’re using that dating app too. There’s no shame in it. If they ask why you’re on here, you tell them you want to meet new people. Don’t be scared to tell them that you’re looking for someone. These people might know someone they can link you to. Many people meet through common friends. It would actually be a good thing if people around you know that you want to meet someone.

You probably have high standards (PLEASE DON’T LOWER THEM). You’re a beautiful and educated woman, so you probably want to be with someone like you. Also, I don’t know where you live, but if you’re not in your natal country and if you want someone from your culture, then it’s more difficult. Only based on that, you have less options. And there’s also subjective criteria (you want to meet someone who has the same values as you and with whom you can get along). I don’t think the problem is you as long as you put yourself out there. I don’t know how you are with men, but if someone on a dating app talks to you, simply answer and be engaging in your answers. Eventually, if the man is interested, he’s going to ask you out. Say yes to going on dates with various men. Know what you want and don’t be afraid to tell them and to cut off those who don’t want the same thing.

[Apotheosis]

Hm, yes, you are right, there's no shame. And I should not care what other people think abut me anyways. I'll give them a try :)

I don't think I have exceptionally high standards, just normal ones. A decent partner for me doesn't have to have an advanced education like me. Money comes and goes, as do looks. I don't have a preference for Paksitani men, white men, Arab men, etc. Actually, I not attracted to Pakistani men much at all, lol.

I message guys on the websites I'm on, but sometimes I stop because I see no use/point. I feel like I am slowly giving up and caring less and less.

[Somebodyelse2018]

What does your dating profile look like? What did you write in your description?

[Apotheosis]

My dating profile is simple - I'm a simple girl. It has my age and height. I don't drink or smoke at all. No drugs. Currently working and own a car.

I wrote a bit about movies and music I like. I have. shy personality, but talk a lot to people I trust, like friends, family, co-workers, etc. Im career-oriented and have received 2 promotions in the past three years. I just became project manager of an NIH-funded research program too :)

I also wrote that my golden rule. of life is this: During good times and tough times, remember that this too shall pass. Someday, my difficulties will be over. Years of questions will turn into years of answers.

[Somebodyelse2018]

You should write something witty, short and simple while showing a bit of who you are what you’re looking for while still being mysterious and keep other things for yourself until someone asks about them. You should erase the part about your promotions. It’s something you should really be proud of, but you should keep it for yourself and only talk about it on a date. What I personally noticed is that men love it when a woman has a passion, so you should put a little sentence about your passion without going overboard with it. Anyways, don’t put anything too heavy. Dating should be light-hearted and fun.

[Apotheosis]

Ok, thank you. I'm not a witty person, but I'll try to write something that shows my personality.

[oldguyincanada]

Dear young woman, you are not ugly. Do what you like doing and present a happy and confident disposition to the world. The right man will find you.

[Apotheosis]

thank you, I hope you are right.

[pleasestopthis]

Don't get surgery, you look pretty as you are.
Are you looking for someone of your cultural-ethnic background to marry, or you don't care? I guess age is a big thing in your culture.

[Apotheosis]

thank you or your reply. Originally, I was only looking for my own cultural background, but I realize I just on't like Pakistani men at all, lol. So now I'm open to anyone. Yes, age is a big thing for Pakistani people.

[green1supremacy]

No way. The guy that wrote the paragraph covered the basics. You are a Queen only if you see yourself as one. The right man might not know how to approach you as well. You are doing fine and looking good. No surgery. Natural is the way to go.

[Apotheosis]

Thank you :)

[Avicenna]

You're a beautiful, successful woman and any guy would be lucky to have you.

[Apotheosis]

Aw, thank you. I think I'm a nice girl too, and I'm simple. I'm not asking for much out of a relatoship - just someone who loves me. Bt I have had 0 luck so far.

[Avicenna]

I'm flabbergasted to hear that. I wish you the best of luck and wish I could find a woman of your caliber myself!

[Apotheosis]

Aw, thank you. I wish you all the best too.

Why do some people find love so soon, and others so late?

[Anonymous]

You are definitely not ugly. Usually age is big issue for Pakistan community. Maybe that's why.

Have patience. And maybe initiate yourself.

[Apotheosis]

Now that I'll be 29 soon, I don't have that many options in terms of arranged marriage. As I get older, there are fewer available men. What can I do to help myself find someone?

[Opinion Owner]

Try matrimony websites. And try to see if there are any available guys at your field where you work. Normally guys "have to" get serious after they have been earning for 2 years. Their families put pressure on them. It's likely that you can get someone there.

Its very hard for me to provide good advice as me myself have never been in that situation. I can only talk based on what i have seen people do. And the best result was using matrimonial websites. There point is clear. You want marraige. So is the guy. You define your must haves and things that could be deal breaker. Guys do that as well. And people who approach you, are completely aware of those things. So time is not wasted.

In Pakistan community, it is not common to find girls who are independent even after marriage. Some guys like that specifically. So you might have some luck there, as you have edge there.

[Apotheosis]

Thank you for your help!!

[Anonymous]

We have spoken to each other before, I seriously do find you attractive, you are very cute and pretty, I would definitely go on a date with you in a heartbeat, too bad we live far apart from each other.

[Exorcist_Rampage]

You look pretty good to me. A shade too thin but not too bad. I'm not into makeup but at-least it's not so aggressive that it would be a problem.

[IlyaTheImpaler]

I feel bad reading this, okay what did you go to grad school for? do you have a thesis?

[Apotheosis]

Why do you feel bad? Yes, I wrote a thesis. I have a Master of Public Health.

[IlyaTheImpaler]

I feel bad because no one is ravaging that pussy at night 😂
Oh public health is not my domain so I have no idea

[Kelly6]

People here mostly tell girls from Pakistan ugly,
my best friend is from Pakistan too
and in college students also made jokes about her until she found me

[Texaskid1]

Do the links work? I can't see anything when I click on them.

[Apotheosis]

I removed the pictures late last night after I had gotten a decent amount of replies. But thanks though.

[Anonymous]

i'm going to guess, online dating or dating apps such as Tinder, Bumble, Coffee meets Bagel, Hinge, have not worked out for you either? no luck meeting guys interested in you?

[Apotheosis]

I haven't tried tinder because of things I've heard about it. Also, I've overheard a co-worker talking about it, and form what I know I'm sure I'll bump into people I know there. ... like family friends, family member, etc, lol. I want to avoid that. But I'm on OCkupid and plenty of fish. I've met guys who are interested in me and stuff, but nothing of substance.

[Opinion Owner]

when you say nothing of substance, are you implying that you aren't attracted to those guys?

[Apotheosis]

I'm not attracted and we don't have much in common, there's no conversation, or they just don't message me back. A combination of things sometimes.

[Opinion Owner]

i'm very sorry

[legalboxers]

you look perfectly fine to me

[Apotheosis]

Thank you for your response. why do you think guys don't like me or talk to me?

[hellacray]

I think you look good.

[outside_Toronto]

nope