Please help and read the description should I give him a chance?

[Anonymous]

We just started dating almost two weeks ago and we have been talking to each other for a month so not long we met through tinder i am 18 and he is 22 and this is my first real boyfriend. This is what happend i made a new tinder and put a photo that was intentionally very ugly and i thought i looked different just to check to see if he’s there and i matched with him he was active and his bio was updated he said that his daughter was 4 instead of 3 and he also said that he was looking for friends or a relationship he also changed some of his pictures and when we matched he answered right away saying hey you look like someone so he recognized me. I decided to not stay quiet about it and i told him like wow I didn’t expect you to know it was me because that picture was intentionally so ugly and if we are a couple why do you still have tinder? He replied saying that he had people of both genders and swiped right to everyone because he wants friends, and then i told him but it said that you want a relationship too? And then he said that he didn’t update his profile much even though it surely was different than last time and i told him that it seemed pretty updated I told him that if we’re a couple he shouldn’t have tinder He said that he would never cheat on me that he’s not that kind of person and he said that he never meant to hurt me and he said that he deleted it too he said “I deleted it. Done” What do you think should i trust him? Should i give him a chance? Right now i refuse to talk for today

Yes give him a chance

No

Updates

+1 y

Should i stop talking to him for today?

[SteveSmith1985]

Hmmm... ok. So. The first thing I notice... is that the two of you became "official" rather quickly. That's fine... there's nothing wrong with that... but still... it IS not what you usually see from two people who met on Tinder a month ago.

That being said, what matters is the COMMITMENT you two made to eachother. So if you two decided to beome "a couple" (in other words... exclusive)... then THAT'S what matters.

So assuming you two DID have that talk at some point... and are both on the same page in terms of "being boyfriend and girlfriend"... then...

No... I don't think you should "give him another chance".

If your situation is...(as it appears to be) that you have a BOYFRIEND who is active on Tinder... than that is clearly unacceptable in every way. He IS NOT on Tinder looking for friendships. That... it utter bullshit.

So... no clearly... you CAN'T trust him... IF he led you to believe that you two were exclusive... but he's still on Tinder.

By that same token... YOU shouldn't be on tinder either. "ugly profile" or not... you being on there is JUST as inappropriate. It's even worse... going on there 'to spy' (essentially). I mean... you DID 'catch him'... and to me... at the end of the day... gives you your answer for "can i trust him"...

But... you were acting pretty 'sleazy' yourself. I urge you not to do things like that in your future relationships. :)

[Asker]

Yes he did ask me to be his girlfriend and i was just on tinder to check to see if he was there i had no other purpose and as soon as he found out who i was I deactivated and texted him about it

[Asker]

So what do you think about him?

[Asker]

And should i stop talking to him for today or a few hours?

[SteveSmith1985]

If he asked you to be his girlfriend... then... in my opinion there is NO excuse for his still being on Tinder. I'm sorry.

But... I want to reiterate... that it's STILL not at all OK for you to go on tinder--to check to make sure HE's not on tinder. The unfortunate part is... in THIS CASE you were 'right'. The guy WAS on tinder... and you caught him.

It's unfortunate because it reinforces to you, that doing things like going on tinder to make sure he's not on tinder... makes sense and is a good thing to do. In other words... based on your experience here... it DOES make perfect sense for you to do the exact same thing with your next boyfriend (the 'covert spying' thing).

What I'm telling you is... DON'T. Because the guy who IS a good guy... who ISN'T still on tinder behind his girlfriends back... WILL end an otherwise good relationship... if he catches his girlfriend "spying" like that. I certainly would.

Sorry that I don't have "better news" for you overall. But it is better that you know now... rather than months from now that this guy is no good. :)

[Asker]

He mentioned tinder on our date yesterday so that amde me become curious

[Asker]

I told him tbh i dont know if i see you the same anymore and i felt hurt today was that bad?

[SteveSmith1985]

well... I'm STILL going to say... DON'T do the spying thing going forward.

As for what I think you should do?

The whole "not talking to him for a day (or a matter of hours) or whatever... is... honestly really dumb and juvenile. It doesn't work that way.

He's not a kid you're putting on 'time out'. So you should never (as a girlfriend) be thinking in terms of "I'm mad at him... so I'm going to choose not to talk to him for the day".

I mean... don't get me wrong... if you're pissed off with your boyfriend and don't FEEL like talking to him for a few hours or the day or whatever... that's different. That's fine. But it's this idea of "punishing him" by choosing a "set time" you're PLANNING to not talk to him... that shit is UNHEALTHY as hell (and super-juvinile).

So... what you should do is one of three things:

1. Take my advice and move on. Period. Permanently. In which case, text/call him to tell him so

2. Decide you believe/forgive him and give him another chance. In which case, text/call him.

3. Take some more time to decide between the above two options.

THOSE are the three choices you've got to choose from.

But if you forgive him... dont be stupid and petty... and choose to "punish" him by not talking to him.

[SteveSmith1985]

Hi, sorry... I didn't see your very last message before replying.

No I think what you told him is "good" not bad.

It's how you feel. (for the record... it's how I'd feel too).

All you're doing is "honestly telling someone how you really feel". THAT is never "bad".

[VIVANT]

I agree with this. Decide between giving it a chance or moving on full stop. And what you told him was good Bc it was true. And not talking Bc you are hider is five it isn’t a game. Not talking to punish is bad. 😊

[Asker]

I decided to give him a chance and I couldn’t ignore him because one of the bad things about me is that i can’t stay mad at people

[SteveSmith1985]

I think it's entirely up to you as to whether you give him another chance or not. If you've decided to give him a chance... then that's cool.

BUT... it IS concerning to hear you say "you can't stay mad at people".

It should really depend on the situation. In some (many) cases... it's RIGHT to "stay mad at people" . If someone has done something for which it MAKES SENSE to continue to 'be mad' at them... then it's not a good thing to 'make peace". (I'm not talking about you in this specific situation here; but in general).

Either way, I'm glad you're going to be moving forward. All the best :)

[VIVANT]

Again spot on 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

[Asker]

So technically , by the way does this mean that he cheated on me?

[SteveSmith1985]

To tell you the truth.. there is no clear answer to this. His being on tinder was certainly inappropriate and constituted a betrayal of the commitment he made to you. But unless he was 'talking to' or 'seeing' other women from tinder then...'technically no'... but at the same time... sorta.

But honestly... if you've decided to give him another chance... you shouldn't be worried about whether it was 'technically' cheating or not. THAT doesn't matter.

It "is what it is" (however you want to label it). So if you've decided to move forward... the question of whether it was 'technically cheating' or not... is irrelevant.

Whatever label you want to put on it... you're choosing to 'move forward'. So... don't dwell on things, like these sorts of 'technical' questions. They really don't matter. :)

[VIVANT]

lol sorry to keep Popping up But I agree 🤷‍♀️

[SteveSmith1985]

@VIVANT hahaha, well you've got nothing to be sorry about as far as I'm concerned! I freaking love having you "pop-up" to second something I've said. It's making my day.

But more importantly, and in all seriousness... it's nice because... I can only give the best advice I know how to give. I can be wrong about things as much as anyone. It's nice to have it confirmed that I'm not "steering someone wrong".

You're more than welcome to "pop up" and agree (or disagree) with anything I write on GAG to anyone anytime. :)

[VIVANT]

I love it hc I literally agree 💯 and now not only do I not need to post my own responder, but I don’t even have to Piggy back onto yours. That’s rare lol 😛

And I want to emphasize, something you said bc I’m not sure it’s resonating And its so important..

whatever doubts anyone can have becomes obsolete once you decide to give it a ho you have go really give it a go.

If you are stuck in what happened or might happen , you are dating a ghost. No one deserves that.

Especially not super kind sweet people. it means faith and no snooping lol

If you feel doubts “ speak before you peak”

Once you decide to give things a try, you have to commit to that for your own sanity. It takes practice I find I face to overshoot or a slide back.

Trust him until he gives you a reason not to. But if that happens dont let it slide.

I find people often don’t commit to trusting while in nor moving on when trust is broken. Get fully in and if you need to get fully out.

Limbo has a game kit a lifestyle 😁😁

Ugh lol I wasn’t planing on responding but I’m freezing - my APRT is Like 38 F... and it distracts me. Plus I think I was just so cold I forgot to stop 😅

Cheers 🍻

[SteveSmith1985]

@VIVANT I think it's good you responded. I think what you've reiterated here is very good advice for this girl going forward in her relationship. :)

[VIVANT]

👍🏻👍🏻☺️

[Asker]

@VIVANT thank you both :)

[ZackBan]

Alright look, if it bothers you it's important he feels it. you're right to get upset and ask him to delete tinder but then again he did.
I don't think life is all black and white and so breaking up with him over this seems kinda rushed, almost as rushed as dating him in the first place.
If you don't feel like talking today don't but don't make an entire trilogy out of this and just explain to him tomorrow that you were really bother by his tinder account and ask him to specify what the two of you are in his eyes. If you're a committed couple then it's not ok but if he feels otherwise then you need to rethink your relationship status

[Asker]

I told him tbh i dont know if i see you the same anymore and i felt hurt today was that bad?

[ZackBan]

There is no such thing as good or bad, only what you want. If you really felt hurt and said so then no it's not bad.
Having low self esteem is one thing but letting someone walk all over you is another and definitely a problem.
So you do what you feel will make you happy there's no one here who can give you an opinion on that. All I can say is take a deep breath and think your choices through if you do something while angry you might regret it later try to level your emotions first and then see what you want.

[Asker]

Yeah i cried today

[Anonymous]

create a pretend Tinder account using a very attractive girl that is NOT you. Swipe around untill you find your boyfriend again (swipe right again ) then ask him questions pretending to be this other chick. Arrange a hook-up and you can show up as yourself and see what he says

[bklynbadboy1]

I dont know if he cheated on you but tinder is a bad place to meet some one everybody on there just want to hook up