When is the right time to tell a boyfriend about your abusive past? Do you need to share that information?

[Anonymous]

I have a dark past of abusing younger kids and beating animals weaker than me as a child myself. I once told my child psychologist ''I like hurting little kids weaker than me, mainly little boys''. I've served my time (I got placed at a mental health institute) for my actions back then and got helped too.

Eventually I realized it was a reaction towards years of abuse and torment. I even got pregnant for a short time but a miscarriage happened after I tripped. I had barely turned 11 at the time but my body (in both height and weight) had already matured earlier.

I'm not in a relationship yet but when I have a boyfriend, is this something I need to share with him? If so, after how long in the relationship? Or should I keep it to myself? Would you want to know about it?

Updates

+1 y

This is going to sounds mean but at the time when I had the miscarriage, I really hated the baby and was happy he/she died. I kept asking if that thing was removed from me. I kept referring to the baby as ''that thing''.
Now as an adult, seldom times I think about him/her, about what they would've looked like if I never had that fall. He/she would've been 9 years old by now.

[kingofthellamas]

I'm sorry to hear your story but you present as someone who has taken full ownership and control of the past you. Well done for that.

I suspect if you get in the right relationship you will get to a time when you will find you will want to share your past story so that the person you love can fully know you.

be mindful that your story would be better to come from you then someone who has their own version of it.

Finally, I would forgive the 11 year old you for not loving the baby. You were a kid. even really sorted out 11 year olds think do, say and think things they wouldn't as they get older.

[Asker]

Thank you. I'll continue moving forwards with my life and eventually get back to participating at animal shelters once this pandemic is over.
Several years back, I found out the guy that got me pregnant had to be transferred to another prison, away from the general population. It's true what they say about inmates hating those guys so badly. They would've beaten him if he had stayed there.

[Anonymous]

I’m not saying this to be mean, but you need to have your tubes tied. If I were you, suffering from a mental disorder like that, it would be wrong to bring another human being into this world and pass down your DNA.

You should be honest and tell him. It’s not fair for him if you two end up getting serious and he never really found out who you really are or who you once were. And if you keep that from him, technically, you’re not ashamed enough and lack some kind of emotion, which kinda brands you a complete sociopath.

I had a guy tell me he was physically abused as a child and was scared it would pass down and that’s why he didn’t want children, and I’m happy he told me. If I loved him enough, I could sacrifice my plans of being a mother.

[Asker]

I'm actually horrified at what I was like as a kid. Initially diagnosed (I was still 10 at the time) with conduct disorder and described as an unemotional child with aggressive and callous traits; I was kept away from other children and animals. I was seen as a child with sociopathic traits, bipolar and PTSD.
I realized not every children that underwent abuse that horrible have those reactions. It affected me too much in my case that I became voided of emotions or compassion for others. It just disappear for awhile and it's like I started acting out in rage, at times for no reason but power and control or thrills. I did got rehabilitated by now and truly regret all that. I wish I could go back in time. If that was possible, I would stop myself from doing what I did.

[Opinion Owner]

I understand.. but what if this behavior comes back when you have kids someday? What if you really hurt your kids? Everyone’s bound to break but what if you’re really triggered about something.

[Opinion Owner]

you were abused?

[Opinion Owner]

addiction and trauma changes are DNA...

[Asker]

yes, I was abused for years: physically by my mother sometimes (one time she submerged my head in cold water, under the bathtub as punishment), emotionally and sexually by some of her dates... some were pedophiles
I would only visit my father (my parents divorced when I was 3) on the weekends so he had no idea what was going on. Since the abuse wasn't every day and no bruise was found on obvious area like the face or arm, he didn't know.

[Asker]

I felt different when I was with my father though. I don't recall acting out when I was spending the weekends with him. It's like I was a different child but it was short-lived. He feels guilty for not noticing signs. Then again, I didn't tell him any of that and would keep it to myself. He thought I was a normal child playing with dolls. He didn't know I was torturing pets.
My father said if he had known all this was happening, he would've fought for full custody right away.

[Anonymous]

Never go into a serious relationship with secrets. No need to mention it at all in the beginning, but if you feel it might actually get serious, and you can trust the guy 100%, then you should tell him.

My reasoning for NOT having secrets is that there is always a chance that he might find you from someone else. THAT could spell disaster! Always better to come from you.

I am so sorry for the bad start you have had. Things can only get better.

As the saying goes, night is darkest just before dawn.

[John_Galt]

hmm... if you are a healthy person mentally and emotionally, that has moved passed all those issues I’m not sure that is something that needs to be brought up at all.
“if it’s still an ongoing struggle for you, then perhaps you should discuss it before a relationship gets super super serious”. you know like, before moving in with someone “or vice versa” or before thinking of engagement... that kind of thing.

[AaronKrieger]

Why do you have to tell him though? I've done pretty similar shit in the past and have mostly gotten past it. I'm not the same person anymore and it's in the past, so there's no point to bring it up and talk about it unless asked.

If you're no longer that person, then there's no point. Although, if it's related to an issue you're dealing with now - sure tell him about it, so he understands. I'd only tell him in that situation if you're both serious about each other.

[Alyssa11]

First of all, I am sorry you had to go through that.

I just wanna highlight you do not need to disclose everything to your future partner, and when you do, it should only be when you guys have developed a very close committed and trusting relationship.

Personally I think there are just some things we should keep to ourselves.

[Asker]

yeah I'm not ready to disclose it to any guy yet
I was mean when I got pregnant. I really hated my own child. I was happy when I lost the baby after the fall and kept referring to him/her as a thing. Now as a 20 year-old, I think about him/her at times and how they may have lived if I haven't tripped.

[Asker]

He/she would've been 9 by now.

[Alyssa11]

If you're ready then definitely don't disclose it. You really don't owe anybody anything.
Hopefully one day you'll be pregnant again and ready :)