Is it right to start hating your boyfriend over this?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend & I have been together for 4 years and it’s long distance (3 hours away from each other). It’s been a mix of good & bad times, & I’ve been iffy about the relationship at the beginning & now even. Our anniversary is coming up, & I asked him to tell me what he wanted as a gift. He said he wanted a “surprise” so I got him 2 hats I knew he’d like based off prior experiences. One of them came earlier this week, & he didn’t like the color. I can’t return it. It lowkey pissed me off since he knows money is tight for me being a grad student while he has a full-time job so he basically wasted my money when it could’ve been avoided if he just told me what he wanted.

Anyway, I got him a new phone for his birthday last year since he kept complaining about the one I got him the year before. He started to complain about that as well recently. Again, it could’ve been avoided if he would’ve let me chose better options for him instead of him picking the worst ones. Last night & earlier this week, we were discussing to see each other and I told him I would wake up early this morning so we can finalize everything and I can head out to see him. 4 hours past, and now he’s texting me off an social media app saying how he lost his phone when he used it last night to text me.

I don’t feel happy in this relationship anymore because of his behaviors. I already spent ~$200 on the anniversary gifts & every time I ask him if he wants to know what I want, he says he already has a surprise planned. But last time he said that, he showed up with store bought flowers I don’t even like & that’s it. Not to be mean, but spending $10 on me having a full time job and me spending hundreds isn’t equivalent & he knows this.

I travel to my grad school (hybrid program) every other month & the last couple of times spent extra hundreds to land in his city rather than going home, & yet he wants me to drive 3 hours to him to see him when he can compromise & meet in the middle.

[quaranta]

It sounds like while everything else kinda works, you are just really bad at formalities. If he doesn't like your gifts, and you don't like his ones, then... Well, stop with this formality about gifts at all, and buy gifts only when you feel like gifting something to your partner and viceversa. You know when to gift something because when you go around and see something your partner may like for sure, you may feel like buying it. Almost for sure it wouldn't be a hat or a decorative object that sparks your initiative, but maybe a useful object.
Have a talk about this before the next occasion that implies gifts, after 4 years you really don't need to prove anything during anniversaries, St Valentine etc.
Also, it seems that you don't gift him things because you "want" anyway, because you check how he uses those gifts as if they are somehow still "yours" and he owes you something back, like "respect" or something but those are things that you definitely don't "buy" through gifts... So yeah I think forced gifts should be avoided now, they caused more problems than benefits so far, in your couple. You can go for something symbolic rather than concrete, during those occasions, or something that can be used instantly like a favourite food, flowers, a sex night and stuff that finish after some hours they are received.
On the other side though, the fact you don't know the colors he dislikes after 4 years and all you can buy is a hat, unless he collects vintage hats or something, that is a bit of a generic gift, like those flowers you got too, like if you don't know each other very much.
Perhaps there is something to improve regarding your connection in general, maybe something is preventing it. Maybe he just is really 0 into these rituals of giving gifts and puts small effort into that, which might not measure his commitment.
Regarding meeting, it sounds like you are telling us the problems but aren't communicating with him how this unbalancement gives you worries and discomfort, or are you? What does he say, why you can't manage to negotiate anything out of that? If you aren't telling him then you don't trust him to work on the relationship probably. But there might be room for improving the situation with better communication anyway, probably.

[Guy13]

Sounds like LDR has run its course.

[Asker]

What do you mean?

[Guy13]

It’s over. LDR never lead to marriage