Is it toxic for your boyfriend to want to control how you dress?

[Anonymous]

I went out of town with some friends and in the city we’re in the weather is nice so I brought all summer clothes. Shorts, tank tops etc but this is our first day here, settling in and I have been keeping in touch with my boyfriend since I left just to let him know I made it safe. This morning I texted him Good-morning and told him that it was nice outside and that I was gonna find something comfortable to wear just to start a conversation and also to let him know in fewer words what I was gonna wear. Not because I dress how he wants me to but because I know how he is. There have been times I went out with my friends back at home, when we aren’t out of town, and he has made remarks like “Oh so this is how you dress when I’m not around.” In a very sarcastic tone and he’ll literally get upset and not speak to me for hours. Today was no different when I told him I was gonna dress comfortable. His response was “Lol. Here you go again. It’s up to you if you want to walk around “like that”. Feel free.” It’s like he makes me feel bad for not wanting to dress like a grandma and be comfortable. I mean I am 23 years old.

[dangerDoge]

I think there needs to be a clear distinction between wanting to control how your partner dresses vs speaking your mind on what their dress is. Trying to control is toxic. Trying to speak your mind is just relationship communication.

The difference of toxicity ultimately comes in the approach. As your own person, you have the choice to wear what you’d like, aka “free will.” However, nothing says he has to like and be happy with any of the choices you make. He is going to have feelings on the matter regardless, and saying he has to think/feel a certain way would be controlling in another way and toxic in and of itself. If he dislikes your attire, it’s perfectly within reason in my opinion to say “I honestly am uncomfortable with your choice of clothing. I think it’s too revealing and I would prefer you’d wear something else.” It’s an opinion there.

As “I” statements, they’re personal views. You can’t really disagree with and say “No, you don’t feel that way!” All you can really do is A.) ignore them and wear whatever B.) appease them to however much you think is reasonable. The second is just called compromise— important in any relationship. In situations like this, if you always just bend to the person’s will, it makes you known as a doormat, but if you never accept their views, the relationship will be turbulent.

As a sidenote, I have a strategy that my friend taught me. It works for both relationships/friendships. If you have something you disagree on, each should rate on a scale of 1 to 10 how strongly they feel on the matter. A 10 is extremely passionate, like an absolutely must have, while a 1 is you don’t care, but lean one way you guess. If y’all trust each other to rate the conflicts accurately, it will give you a better basis for communicating through the issues. For instance, if you wanted to wear whatever casual clothing as a 3, and he preferred against it as a 9, that sets the stage for the issue. You still have a choice to ignore, but it would be more upsetting to him than you might realize.

Now, it would be toxic if he said “You need to wear something else” or “no, you can’t wear that.” Those are disagreeable statements he’d be asserting as stone cold facts. In a relationship, there shouldn’t be orders.

Ultimately, per the scenario, I think his feelings were legitimate/honest, but the way he approached describing them (via sarcasm) was quite ill advised. If I were you, I’d communicate with him saying upon it happening (in your own way) “Hey, I’m happy to hear out your feelings on clothing or otherwise, but I’d appreciate less/no sarcasm on it. I also feel ignored/upset when you don’t answer after several hours like that.” Then... discuss.

Another strategy for relationships is to have a weekly couple time (i. e. Tuesday night, as long as y’all need) where you discuss any of the heavy issues (i. e. lack of communication, upsetting stuff throughout the week). A lot of relationships fail because things like this build up over time without resolve. Weekly sit-down-and-talk meetings help stop the build up before it happens, and it will improve your relationship as a whole. You’ll learn better A.) how to communicate with each other, B.) your partner’s feelings they may have kept to their self, and C.) being emotional is sort of bonding in and of itself.

[Citizenkirk]

It not rational, or sane behavior for a guy to engage in, but perfectly appropriate attitude scenario for serial killers and genacidal lunatics.
I believe this social convention was in Vogue during the Spanish Inquisition in Spain and parts of Britain were people were getting burned at the stake by the Spanish lunatics, or heretics, or whatever THE F--- YOU WANT TO CALL THEM Spanish CATHOLIC REJECTS THAT RAISED THE BAR OF SYCOPHANT STATUS BEYOND WHAT EVEN ROME COULDN'T ABIDE BY.
I believe his job title was "Inquisitor," or SICK F---!!!, FAVORED BY THOSE UNFORTUNATE SOULS ON THE RECEIVING END OF HIS SERVICES.
YOUR BOYFRIEND MIGHT BE A THROWBACK TO ONE OF THOSE. OR, HE COULD JUST BE A FASHION NAZI VARIETY OF MORON. IT COULD GO EITHER WAY I SUPPOSE.
SHARING THE SAME TIME ZONE WITH HIM WOULD BE OBJECTIONABLE. BEING WITHIN THE SAME DWELLING, OR EVEN THE SAME ROOM, IT WOULD SEEM WOULD BE INTOLERABLE.
The one exception I can think of is if he's gay, which implies that he might have an excellent sense of fashion and decorum in which case he might be coming off a little strongly, thinking that he is suggesting things to you, when in fact he's commanding things of you, it's the one alternative that might be favorable to the whole serial killer heretic mad Men type of scenario I just described.

[Unbeatable]

Gay autistic above

[Citizenkirk]

O. K. I'm just pitching guesses, since I don't live with any fashion nazi extremists. My girlfriend prefers I remain in my birthday suit indoors, since she remains that way herself.

[dangerDoge]

Boyfriend sarcastically expresses his dislike with girlfriend’s clothing choices —> Suggestion of being a serial killer / genocidal lunatic

I... think this may be a bit of an extreme take on it, to say the least.

[Citizenkirk]

My apologies, I interpreted the question is as implying the guy as an unyielding control freak. I will make a note to tone down my criticisms from now on.

[janellie1917]

Absolutely it’s toxic.
Think about this. What is causing him to be upset? Other men looking at you. So YOU shouldn’t be who he’s upset at. There is nothing YOU can do about men looking at you because if they want to look they will. Guys have stalked, killed and raped women in sweatpants so what you wear does not matter. If he’s worried about other men looking, he should be upset at the MEN and working to change the narrative of how men view women.
And how would he know men aren’t looking at you because you’re gorgeous and would stare even if you threw on sweats?
Psychology literally states this is a HUGE indicator of an abusive person that has EXTREME mental issues. It is a mental disorder to want to control your partner.


YOU DO NOT OWN YOUR PARTNER. They are their own person. If you want to own something get a pet. Your partner should be able to do what they want and if you don’t like that you should find someone who matches you. But I’m telling you right now sweetheart, he’s going to be upset about this, then how much makeup you wear, then he’s going to limit what friends you see, what family you talk to and when he isolates you, he will beat you. This has happened to millions of women please do not add to the number. My aunt is now dead and one of the first things she told my mother is that her boyfriend “didn’t like that skirt she was wearing”
Then he pushed her down a flight of stairs and watched her bleed out, smiling when the cops came to arrest him. Then he lied to our family and said she fell and did not go to jail. And then killed a little girl.

[Screenwriter]

How old is he? 90? Even if he was your DAD, you're a grown woman. You can put up with goofy comments like that from your father because he's older and likely more conservative. But when it comes from a man who's dating you, yes, it's controlling and his comments are WAY out of line.

Unless your ASS is hanging out of your shorts and your nipples are showing out of your tops, WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?

It's spring, people wear shorts and sleeveless tops and show a lot of skin. It's what happens in the spring and summer.

Please, when you get back home, sit down with him and ask what's the reason for his insulting comments. You aren't vulgar. Nothing's hanging out. Does he want you in a burka and chador? (first covers entire top of your body with a screen over the face, second is the full-length shoulder to feet covering than would be worn under the burka.)

Does he WANT you to dress like a grandma? Does he have some seriously conservative religious views about how a woman should dress?

You need to find this out quickly and decide if this relationship is worth it. It doesn't sound like he's willing to respect your choices and if that's the case, you've got a decision to make.

[MzAsh]

I think you need check this guy’s attitude. The way he speaks to you is inexcusable. Honestly, so many guys think this demeanor is ok and it’s not whatsoever.

[zeitgeist057]

No, it's not toxic. However, your boyfriend's behavior is.

It all depends on the circumstances. I'm kind of a controlling partner, but I'm also very aware and focused on freedom; my own freedom and my partner's freedom. My goal is to control what she wants me to control.

The reason I say it's not toxic to control how your partner dresses, is that some people are into that. Others are not. So it's not inherently toxic, it can actually be quite sexy for some couples. I had a partner who absolutely loved that I knew her measurements and would shop for her and buy her things that I wanted her to wear. I had another lover who really loved my fashion advice, it was rare for us to go out without her asking me which boots, which dress, etc, etc. She did it because she was dressing up for me.

On the other hand, if I was ordering her to change from something she wanted to wear, and pushing her around making her wear what I wanted over what she wanted, that's not cool. It's disrespectful and crosses a boundary.

It sounds like your partner is like a lot of guys you will meet; he has a "Madonna-Whore" complex, which sometimes they try to play off as having good wholesome values. But in reality it is these guys who are going to be emotionally abusive, and possibly physically as well. They don't have a mature or informed idea about sexuality.

[TruthBringer]

Geez people here in the comments sure are quick to jump to conclusions... To answer your actual question, controlling your partner's way of dressing is indeed toxic in general. However, some people have a preference and standard about the way their partner dresses. It sounds like your boyfriend is more of the conservative/traditional type. That itself is absolutely fine and no where near being toxic. What's toxic is his passive aggressiveness. Some simply prefer people who dress modest and others don't mind what their partners wear.

If I were in his place, I would make sure that I date a girl who matches my preference in the way she dresses. I personally only date girls who dress modest. In case something is off about the way my girl dresses, I would tell her straight up instead of being passive aggressive about it.

[TruthBringer]

I also forgot to add that it sounds like you two are incompatible when it comes to this topic. Have you always dressed like this? If so, then it's his fault for getting with someone and then trying to "change" that person. This is why it's extremely important to get to know a person before being in a relationship.

But if you happen to dress revealing only when he is not around, then he has every right to feel upset. His reaction could be better though

[Syrian_survivor]

Damn right brother, exactly like my comment here

I hope she reads our comments and doesn't give in to the 100 others saying dumb shit like "lol dump his abusive ass"

[TruthBringer]

@Syrian_survivor Most dudes telling demonizing her boyfriend are simps being the nice guys. Because they somehow getting the illusion that they are scoring points with the girl. I have 0 respect for such men. Goes to show their desperation for female validation overshadows their need to stand with what's truly right and wrong

[omgwhocaresaboutmee]

absouletly honey. it's none of his business. you are his girlfriend, not property. he has no right to make you feel upset just because he thinks your clothes are revealing. if he cares that much then tell him to find someone who dresses the way he wants. (which is unacceptable in my opinion. no girl should feel the need to dress differently just because a boy wants.) if i were you i'd just dump him because believe me he will get more and more controlling. i hope you make the right decision and go to your own separate way rather than staying with this control freak <3

[ClemFandango]

Shorts and a tank top is fine... where I would get the hump is if you were wearing push up bras or black underwear and white tops (that could be clearly seen).

Im not a prude, nor am I controlling, however in the past I have had relationshios where my girlfriend at the time woukd want to get dressed up... thats fine. But tits AND ass out... thats just slutty. She craved the attention from onlookers and she wasn't the only one. I ised to work the doors as security and saw it time and time again... girls would dress so privocatively and then moan that "guys wouldn't stop looking at me".

Ultimately, in my opinion, always wear what you want and dress comfortably but maybe if you were to wear more revealing things, wear them when you're with him...

doesn't make me right. Just saying...

[ohshee]

It's more than toxic is controlling its manipulation it's bullshit you are your own person it's your body you dressed the way you want to dress to make yourself happy if he can't help it because he's jealous or insecure that's on him tell him to grow the fuck up you're with him so what's his problem yeah it's more than toxic like I said he's insecure he's controlling do you really want all this in your life it's your choice happiness are being put on restriction and grounded and Mage where Granny's cloth PS

[GnatSocks]

The way I see it is that he's being a passive aggressive bitch about it. It's a very womanly way of approaching it "[blah blah blah] feel free", or be sarcastic. He's whiny. Now, it would bother me if my girlfriend dressed like a slut. If it was bad enough, I would address it after we got back for the day or even before we left out, "Femanon, I would rather you not wear those shorts out. They're a little too revealing." She'll be mad, but it will pass. I wouldn't go overboard, and it would have to warrant me saying something, and it wouldn't be an ultimatum or order or anything, but I would be direct.

[rjroy3]

As a general rule day to day I say yes. But in other cases I really don't see an issue.

Like here and there saying, "wear those jean shorts, wanna look at your ass in that 😏" or something like a surprise date so he tells you to wear pants or wear a skirt.

I've said things like that and in most cases it's a turn on for the girl aswell. But if a guy is regularly telling his girl she's not "allowed" to wear this or that, or that she "must" wear this day to day. Then yea that's kinda toxic.

Some girls like that in a fetish way but that's actually controlling behavior and a bad sign for most

[cheapshotbob]

yes it is , and if you stay with the guy anything he says to you will be on you for staying
you are the only who can get out o the situation. the guy sounds like a guy who does not know how to hold on too things and looses a lot that includes women or people.

you need to drop the guy before he gets the silly jdea he has a right to tell you when to leave the house, sure he isn't now but it will be coming soon if you dont leave the guy sounds like a insecure kid, any ther girl will tell you that , you dont need that burden
on you.

[LogicalGal123]

Yes, if he tells u how to breathe. He is toxic. A guy will always love u the way u are not how to wear ur freakin clothes and blah blah blah. I've dated a guy who tells me he doesn't like my outfit (I'm at work 😐), the makeup I'm wearing, and how I style my hair. I said "it was nice knowing u." He got mad at me for saying that and I said "don't u ever tell me how to dress, u got the nerve to show up to my work and tell me all of this? U can go FUCK URSELF! Learn to accept a woman with her own style!"

Dress the way u want to dress, kick ur boyfriend to the curb, and there are plenty of guys out there who would appreciate u for who u are. Know ur worth and find someone who sees u U.

[reallyhonestguy]

It depends on how you dress and what are your intentions.
Anyone who denies this is lying to themselves. I discussed this with my girlfriend, friends that are girls and sister.
What you dress reflects your personality and the first impression someone has from you it's from your looks.
For example, if you dress showing a lot of cleavage, you will have people looking at it easily. And many women use that to have male attention either to feel more confident or get what they want.
So if you wear some think like that, and tiny shorts or transparent dresses yeah, I would be seriously concerned and if the person wouldn't change the way they dress I wouldn't want to continue in that relationship unless it wouldn't be serious.

That being sad, the way how your boyfriend tell you that shows that : or he is a jerk implying that you're a slut or he is sick of you dressing like that.

[Aakash_Hangargi]

That's too far fetched to calm this particular behaviour toxic.

From a man's point of view if you look at it girls are beautiful and when they show skin and curves it attracts more he might feel that you could find someone better or leave him men are territorial they don't want other men to hover over there girl and compliment her there is a risk.

See people will try to break you up saying rubbish things but it's only you can decide what charecteristics you can tolerate of theirs and how supportive or adjustable you can be.

Do you think there is any other charecteristics he exhibits that makes you feel toxic?

[DiegoO]

Hun, that's an abusive behavior. Be aware. Is actually a red flag, or as I say sometimes, a red light of alert 🚨.

If you really are into your partner, you're not get annoyed with how your partner looks physically (tall, short, etc), how your partner behaves on the regular (serious, humorous, etc), how your partner dress (classy, hippie, etc), what your partner do as profession or/and hobby (soldier, police, karate, MMA, etc), how your partner expresses her/his self (elocuent, passionally, etc), your partner goals, life projects, so on.

What he is doing is inflicting psychological violence over you. Why I say so? He is making you doubt about your personal interest in clothing, which is a form of possesiveness, or control

[Syrian_survivor]

Not exactly toxic, but it's an incompatibility that's very hard to compromise and a breakup is the best option if you both aren't on the same page there.

I can't bear the fact that dudes are gonna be staring at my girl's ass and tits when she's showing so much skin and her figure is obviously out there, I don't force her to wear more, I just show her that I'm not okay with such clothing and that's sadly something I can't change, so she can either wear more and stay, or she can wear less but we're just friends from now on. And I think it's a boundary that should be discussed before getting into a relationship.
Some women find it offensive that a man would try to change the way they dress, so they wouldn't be okay with such behaviour at all, so like I said, very hard to compromise that sometimes.

It's only toxic if he's forcing you or being passive aggressive about it, like he's doing in this situation, tell him to be straight up and honest with you, keep it a 100

[ChrisMaster69]

What a cock.

next time you are with him take a couple cocktail sticks and stab his balls,

seriously, it’s your body your clothing, you can wear what the hell you want,

controlling guys are just an utter pain.

I won’t say dump him, but if I was a girl, I would be looking for something else on the menu.

[jasmine_0603]

He sounds toxic and passive-aggressive. It's okay to tell your S. O. whether you like what they're wearing or to give them an advice, but no forcing and no mocking. Trying to change your partner's style, personality, friends etc is not okay. Assuming you're not walking around literally half naked, he shouldn't behave like this. Those sarcastic remarks show that he can't honestly talk about his feelings with you and this is a red flag.

[TruthBringer]

One of the best responses I've read here!

[jasmine_0603]

@TruthBringer Thank you! I agree with what you said in yours as well. Why date someone who doesn't match your preferences and then make them feel bad about it? The lack of confrontation combined with passive aggressiveness makes it even worse.

[Dchrls78104]

For a guy to want his girlfriend to dress modestly and tastefully is reasonable; after all, you're in a relationship, and you have to respect your partner's concerns because you would like him to respect yours. It becomes a serious issue, however, if he is super controlling or insecure about it (especially if his own actions don't vouch for what he says), or if he becomes disrespectful to you. I suspect that more communication on the subject is in order between the two of you.

[MeghanL]

Of course you can dress as you choose. Before calling it toxic I would need to know more about your relationship. A single thing doesn't make something toxic.

A question though. How do you dress when you're together? If you dress like Grandma when you're with him & like Girls Gone Wild when you're out with your friends there could be some issues.

[AllyVon]

I definitely believe that is controlling and toxic, u r allowed to wear what ever you like and feel comfortable in. U shouldn't be forced to change just to please him. If someone told me they didn't like me dressing 'sexy' than I would take it as that they do not trust me, simply because of how I choose to dress. I don't think anyone should have a say on what u can wear.

[SphynxUK]

He’s trying to make you feel bad for how you want to dress. As if it makes you out to be ‘some’ type of girl.
Ignore it. Do your thing. As long as you feel good and are comfortable in it, wear it.
He just doesn’t want other people seeing how good you look, and that s*it is controlling behaviour.