Why do so many couples fight? Is it that hard to wait until you find someone you get along with?

[TheSpaceGnome]

Updates

+1 y

So anyway having a disagreement isn't fighting, fighting is when you lose your sense of spock-ish level headedness and logic during a debate about something (instead of conceiding to valid points or making valid points).

This is stuff like admitting when you are wrong, not complaining when they are doing hobbies, etc.

Regarding opinion based arguments, ideally you should date someone who agrees with you on anything important, and not argue at all (let alone fight) over unimportant stuff.

Updates

+1 y

Other examples of fighting are resorting to insults instead of empathy, being petty, or otherwise just being an ass to your partner.

[krysten02]

I can answer this from my perspective as I have been the initiator in past relationships. I struggled with my communication skills and still do, but I’m not nearly as bad as I used to be. When I was a teen my mom passed away and then my dad remarried and they would tell me I could tell them things or tell them when they upset me or made me mad and we’d talk it out. Instead they’d rip what I said apart and make me cry. I’d feel like an idiot and it wasn’t fair so whenever I’d get upset I’d shut down completely and not talk to my partner and become an asshole and that would spark a fight. Fighting in a relationship isn’t healthy, but arguing is. It’s okay to disagree on things. I don’t believe you should always agree on everything with your partner because your relationship would be very boring. I believe that your communication skills are molded when you’re younger and if you don’t have a chance to build those skills, you won’t be able to communicate to other people later on and not being able to communicate can spark fights that way because usually your emotions will bottle you and you’ll eventually explode on your partner most likely.

[TheSpaceGnome]

So far you are the only commenter on here who understands the difference between and argument and a fight and that fighting is bad, that said, I don't agree that a relationship where both people agree on everything would be boring, in fact for me the opposite is true, I would be bored with anyone who didn't think the same as me.

[TheSpaceGnome]

an* not and

[kyleelyn199723]

My boyfriend is probably the only person I like talking to on a daily basis but we do bump heads. The reason being is because no one person is wired the same exact way. You will find stuff that you disagree with his /her opinion. I think fighting in relationships is kind of essential because it shows you aren’t afraid to disagree with your partner. Imagine dealing with a partner that automatically agreed with you all the time. I would find my partner fake as hell.

[Anonymous]

A certain amount of friction between the two is normal and healthy. They need to call out your bullshit, challenge your thinking, offer a different perspective, openly verbalise their wishes and needs and sometimes may down the law.
And you need to do the same for them.
As such, they are constantly defining the relationship, it's tolerances, and hopefully improving the both of them.

[TheSpaceGnome]

I don't have any bullshit, I don't get mad when I'm proven wrong either, I often challenge my own thinking to an obsessive degree for science reasons, verbalizing their wishes wouldn't result in arguments or fights with me (if what they wanted was that terrible we wouldn't be a couple in the first place to to incompatobility issues), and I won't lay down the law on a spouse or ket them do so for me, thats controlling behavior and results in breaking up, so I would date another laid back person.

I literrally do not need any of the things you mentioned, and the idea that you can change a person over time is ridiculous, a couple should love eachother for who they already are, trying to "improve" them is a mistake.

[TheSpaceGnome]

do to incompatibility issues*

[TheSpaceGnome]

or let them*

[Opinion Owner]

I defer to your deeper understanding of long term relationships and what it takes to sustain them over a period of time.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Odd, If I followed your way of thinking, it wouldn't last long enough to become long term.

[CaliDad]

All couples fight - arguments are a healthy part of relationships. The way a couple argues can be unhealthy. But living with another person for a long period of time is hard - needs clash, wants are not always realized, and expectations are a recipe for disappointment. Learn to fight productively and your relationship will continually renew.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Wants are not always realized sounds like an incompatibility issue. not a need an argument issue.

I'ts a red flag to break up if both people need something in a relationship that they aren't getting after saying they need it enough times to warrant an argument.

You can't change people, you can only date people just like you or change yourself.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Also I get stressed being alone, not from a single vs taken perspective of lonliness, but from a "it's too quiet, I'm bored, I hate relaxing" type of perspective, so having someone there to bug me for attention all the time and play video games with would be awesome, not hard.

[CaliDad]

Sounds like one problem is understanding the difference between a want and a need. It is absurd to think that there is a person out there that will satisfy all of your wants - I blame Disney. The other problem is not being comfortable with entertaining yourself & "needing" someone else to distract you. If you just want entertainment, hire a professional.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Thats the opposite of reality.

It is absurd to think anyone out there can meet your needs, and its best to simply find a best friend to date who meets your wants, your needs you need to meet on your own, and no one pays for a gaming buddy, or someone to co-op creative projects with. Thats not even a real job.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Think of it this way, when you have a best friend, you aren't dependant on them, instead you spend time with them becuse you have fun together and get along really well, now add that it's a female, and you find her attractive, and she finds you attractive, and thats kinda it, you don't try to be eachother's parents and meet every need the other has, you merely added exclusive sex/making out to the already existing friendship.

[whatdoyouwantt]

Arguing once and then is completely normal!! If you think you will meet someone who will agree with you on everything then keep dreaming. Again arguing to some limit, if there is involved even physical abuse or arguments are too frequent then you should immediately break it off and go separate ways.

[TheSpaceGnome]

I've already met people who agree with me on everything. but I said fight, not argument.

[whatdoyouwantt]

There is no such thing as someone have completely same beliefs as you. We are all so different and it’s ok. Maybe you haven’t ran in every topic yet. But don’t freak out if you do lol it’s normal as I said. And well to me fighting and arguing is kinda same but yeah if you meant fighting really then yeah I do agree with you. No fighting should be involved in a relationship, its not love and you should get away before it gets too bad.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Sorry but yes there is, most of my friends are open books, and I came across a handful lf people who agreed with me on everything (most were dudes though, and the women were either taken or not my age or I didn't find them attractive or they were outside the country)

Also I'm single atm, so there isn't anything to get away from, this question is actually about most of my friend's relationships, they thought like you and figured no 2 people could ever agree on everything, so they argue and fight about dumb shit all the time with their SO, and my question is basically why are people too impatient to wait for a compatible person, but if a decent amount of people think that doesn't exist, I guess thats why.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Also handful is really more like a few hundred, but compared to the thousands I've met its small, so I said handful.

[hela1110]

Fighting is part of our genetics cos we all get angry at some points...
We fight even with family it doesn't mean we don't love them or we don't get along...
We just have to pretend nothing happened after the fight so we wouldn't ruin the relationship

[FlutteringFeelings]

It’s normal to get into a disagreement but there comes a point in time when the two have to talk it out and put it to rest. Coming across someone you get along with doesn’t mean the two of you will agree on everything.

[exitseven]

Some people do not know how to compromise. You can have a disagreement with your SO and still come to some kind of resolution. There is a right way and a wrong way to have an argument. Once emotions get into the mix it can go sideways pretty fast.

[Soremain]

If you're stubborn enough you'll never get a long with anyone so perfectly that you'll never fight. The partner is rarely the problem.

[TheSpaceGnome]

I'm not stubborn on anything thats not personal preference/hobby/interests related.
Finding someone who shares the same ones as me solves that issue.

I'm also not a drama addict so I'm not stubborn enough to just start shit with people, and I don't get pissed when I'm proven wrong.

[Soremain]

I was generalizing. But good for you, you'll not have a hard time finding someone you'll never fight with then. But that's not usually the case. Most of the time when people fight it's not because of the other person, they'd eventually start a fight with anyone and changing partners wouldn't solve the issue.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Thats crazy. Yeah I don't do that shit.

[etexbearkat]

Every couple, even if they've been married for years has arguments. My parents still do, and they've been married for more than 35.5 years.

[spartan55]

You never get into a relationship thinking you will be fighting constantly.

[Dchrls78104]

I've never dated because I've been waiting for someone I can actually get along with; fighting with my girlfriend would frustrate me and drive me right out of her life.

[Inexpensivefurniture]

Everyone argues at some point. Full out fighting, no, but sometimes disagreements get heated

[Not_Average]

Passion and love can get messy at times. That’s a given.

[Anonymous]

Money and Politics most of the time. The lady is probably not happy with the relationship and she wants more now.

[Slimpickins]

People disagree and argue even with people that you love it’s a part of live.

[Iron_Man]

It’s a power move a position to be the shy caller

[TheSpaceGnome]

Whats a shy caller?

[Iron_Man]

That’s voice command error I’m talking about shot callers

[TheSpaceGnome]

Ah ok, thats crazy though, relationships should be equal.

[Anonymous]

Because they fucked before marriage thats why.