I have been seeing this guy for few time, and usually we went out for dinner during weekdays, never during weekend and we have been intimate once. He's working as software engineer. Lately, i got the feelings that he was being distance, and always say he is busy, with work and study. Throughout the day, he only texted me "Hi, good morning" , and just few messages a day, without asking how was my day going. He never explains why he went missing throughout the night (but i can see him online in social media). However when i talk about this whole situation, and how i got so confused with his actions versus his words, that he likes me, and have feeling for me ( he always call me baby, almost in every text), he replied he was very busy and literally down because of the crypto prices sliding down. I honestly feel that he's not into as I am to him. I really do care about him, might falling in love with him instead. Then when i lash out how i feel he's being unfair to me, hardly to messages me of his daily life or what's he been doing, or what his plan, where we stand, he said this is not working for us. And he goes radio silent after that. I was literally confused and want to meet and sort our issues together, he never reply anymore. I told him how i feel so insecured about my feelings toward him and how much i care and love him dearly, he just ignored me. I feel so hurt and so upset. Today is my 1st day of going no contact with him. I miss him a lot. But i dont want to annoy him so much.
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Thank you guys for all the motivating feedbacks and advises, I' m getting better emotionally now, slow phase, but getting back my grip moving on. You all are amazing and wonderful people, thank you for being here while I was at my low, wishing the very best for each of you!
Does No Contact rules work well to save a relationship?
The no contact rule is actually intended to give you time to work on yourself. It sounds very much that you may be co dependent, although I’m not a therapist. I only say this from my own personal experience. You should look up Helena Hunt videos on youtube. She’s great and will explain the things to you that I can’t possibly get through bus typing them out. I will tell you that men are natural predators and most need a little chase. Chase, mystery, curiosity, NOT GAMES. If you let him know he has you, then what does he need to work for? You are the goal, the end prize. If you give that to him willingly then he doesn’t have to put in work. You want him to ‘earn’ you so that he has a vested interest in you. Just like how If someone earns something they usually take better care of it than if it’s just handed to them. Please work on your self and anything you don’t feel good about and most importantly don’t let anyone else dictate your happiness. Please please watch those videos-they’ll help so much! Also, I recommend that every woman reads the book “Why Men Love Bitches." It is not how it sounds. It's just about learning to put yourself first. It teaches how to set boundaries and how to not be afraid to lose people who don't show you, with their actions, that they value you. Trust me, you are so much more valuable than you believe and he knows that. You just aren't presenting yourself as high value. Believe me, I get it. Stick to the no contact else for rule and find your own happiness. If he comes back then he does, but in the meantime you're going to learn how to make yourself happy. You are beautiful. You are worthy. You are enough. You ARE enough. ♥️
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Oh dear, thank youuu so muchh for this wonderful pieces , I really need to absorb and keep in my mind about all you said, thanks a lot! You make my day too!
NO. If anything it actually makes matters worse because you're not communicating your feelings or issues with said relationship, so you're not resolving the issues. You're just distancing yourself from them.
Though anon, it sounds like that guy checked out and lost interest in you a long time ago. He just doesn't have the courage to tell you he's done or wants to move on... why I don't know. So instead, he's just distancing himself more and more from you until you lose interest on your own, or you get the hint when he stops communication all together. He's just using the "I'm busy" excuse to justify his behavior.
I'm going to tell you, and anyone else who's reading this comment the same thing: if someone is genuinely interested in you, they will make time for you!!! No matter how busy, stressed out, tired, upset, etc... they are. If they like you enough, they will have the courtesy to at least send you a quick message, such as "Hey, I'm busy, but I miss you..." or, "I can't talk now because I'm busy with x, but I'll catch up with you later..." Basically they make an effort and reach out to you.
So by not contacting him, you're doing what he wants- further distancing yourself from him so you can end things, or he won't feel guilty about it. Honestly, if he really cared, you wouldn't have do to this in the first place... and I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm just telling you like it is.
In other words, I'd use this "no contact" time to distance get over this guy and move on with your life.
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Thank you for such encouraging supports for me, i really need these kind of positivity in my life. It's being toxic and dark recently. 🙏🙏
She absolutely nailed it. " People make time for what they feel is important in their lives" is something I've come to learn after a few experiences similar to yours, anon. Its gunna be tough, but use this time to work on realizing your self worth, taking a personal inventory, and becoming comfortable with YOU as you are. Eventually someone who genuinely wants to be with you (and thinks the world of you, AND is willing to put in the time and effort to show you they care consistently about you for the badass woman you surely are!) Will come along and make you forget all about this dipshit you're currently getting past! Wish you the best of luck!
You're welcome. I'm just glad you listened!!! I know some people think that "no contact" nonsense works and said person will come crawling back to you?
They never do. Or if they do, it's because they need/want you for something, or they want you for attention. Or they keep you strung along wondering if you still want them.
You can do better. Don't be with someone that treats you this way.
No contact will improve a relationship as well as focusing on pushing our agenda onto the other person. Any extreme will destroy a relationship. It's important to keep our eyes open so we can observe changes in others and not just focus on our own feelings. Did you believe lashing out at him would draw him closer? Would it have worked for you? Never choose something you wouldn't appreciate being on the receiving end of.
Neither of you have clearly focused on the other. You may feel he doesn't communicate, but maybe he doesn't feel safe to communicate. If you want a healthy relationship, learn effective communications skills together. Don't assume you already know how. After all, your patterns haven't taken you where you claim you wanted to go. Define terminology together. Find out how each of you defines relationships and all aspects related to relationships and whatever might be important to the other person. Learn about each other rather than focus primarily on your perspective.
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I believe i didn't lash out that way, more of making point of what I'm looking for in this relationship to go on long terms. Our daily communications never gets better, usually just a simple talk like "Hi , good morning" and then went missing for hours, and only text once, sometimes none, or next day. And he didn't even explain anything about it. It went for few week, where i dont really speak about the issue at first, but his pattern growing so obvious and i had to say something about it. For me, you dont need to text me every hour, but just enough if there's any intellectual conversations. I'm a human, not a PC. There's a lot of confusions and felt being left alone. I was better when i was long distance relationship and lasted 2 years, because we told each other what's going on in our lives, never really "absent" although we are far from each other. Distance doesn't matter if we can actually "connect and listen" to our partner. But with this new guy, he made me totally walking in the dark, i can't see light walking our path together.
I was using your word ("Then when i lash out how i feel he's being unfair to me").
Most people use dysfunctional communication. Schools don't teach effective communication, and our parents probably didn't have the skills to teach us. If we don't reach out to learn, we'll just repeat the dysfunctional patterns people see all around them.
I'm not saying this is all your fault or all his fault. Based on what you say, he doesn't show you a desire to improve communication, yet you expect him to change for you and be interested in what interests you. We can learn how to facilitate communication in others, but the more pressure we apply, the less we'll get. Never base a relationship on what you believe is the other person's potential. If you don't see what you want to see, keep looking elsewhere. People are as likely to change for us (in areas that are important to them) as we are to change for them (in areas that are important to us).
If you believe long-distance relationships work better for you, then you have the option to stick with them. Long-distance relationships are safe, because they are whatever we create in our head. They are all about fantasy, not reality. Many people find it challenging to deal with people as they actually are, preferring to hold onto their belief of what could or should be. Long-distance relationships are limited to communication, as nothing else can exist, and we can be totally in control of how we interpret whatever we read or hear. Real-life relationships have many more dimensions that we have no control over, which can result in greater fulfillment or greater frustration.
Thank you for being here and listen to my venting😔😔 i wish i could do better in order to save this relationship. NC today as 1st day, hope I will heal soon, mentally and physically. The wound is still fresh, it just happened yesterday. I appreciate all of the advice you gave, you really helped me a lot today🙏🙏
Sometimes an email is better than talking. It allows you to fully think out what you want the other person to hear, along with rereading and reediting till you're comfortable with how it will be received. Emails also allow people to read it at their convenience and answer after they've had time to absorb what is being said. In the email, address what you're seeing from him. Make no assumptions or accusations. Let him know you want to understand when his words and actions don't seem to mesh. Let him know you care enough about him to want him to be happy, even if he believes it needs to be with someone else. Keep reading and editing it, before sending, until you're sure you'd feel totally safe and comfortable if you were to receive it. It's not about judgments; it's about seeking clarification and showing you are considerate of his feelings. Just make sure you aren't attempting to hold onto something that wouldn't be healthy for both of you. Take it slow and steady, and find the happiness you deserve.
Not at all, a "no contact rule", means he will face legal problems if he contacts you. Any smart man will block your number, block your email and block anything about you.
What it sounds like is he got you boots up and found you lacking, he has no desire in you accept to dip his wick and blow a nut.
No contact rules means you don't have a relationship... What kind of relationship has no contact? And, people can be busy, sure... But if they're always too busy for you but make time for others, then that alone should indicate you or your relationship is not really a priority to him... And you should go no contact not as a way to get him back... More because it doesn't seem like he really wants the same things you do... If you asked him to get together and discuss and he didn't reply or agree, again that should tell you something right there... If someone really wants to be with you, they'll find a way to be.. If they don't, they'll find excuses..
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I dont know, he seems like he cares when we go out together, but usually very distant when we were not together. When we were still good, he told me he miss me, but he seldomly text to ask how am i doing. There's a lot of mixed feelings and uncertainty, i try to ignore how upset and sad i was when he went missing for hours without texting me back, usually no explaination of why. I had to do no contact rule because I want to get better myself, emotionally. It is extremely painful now thinking back, how bad i treated him. I mean all the messages i have texted him, about telling him to improve the communication between us. I hope we could meet and talk again as an adult.. i know i was being foolish when i made him more stress.
How did you treat him bad? By saying you want better communication? Look, if anytime you try to express the way you feel, the person had an issue with it, than that's a flag. Just remember, people will treat you the way you let them... So if you have no issue with contact only when convenient for him, then there's no issue, right🤷🏼♀️ If you're really not okay with it, but put up with it just to not lose him altogether, well that's not really going to make you happy in the long run... It sounds like he wants casual when convenient and you want more.. But only you and him can really work that out by both being honest, both in the way you really feel and what you really want But, good luck
You are right there. At this point, i feel really hurt of how it happened, i wish we both could sit down and talk about it if we could start over. He never reply. By doing that, i feel, i have treated him badly. i feel not enough by being myself.
If he doesn't reply, why keep contacting him? I mean if he really wanted to be with him wouldn't he reply? Wouldn't he also want to get together? Can't force someone to have feelings for you... They either do or don't.. and while words are nice to hear, actions speak way louder, show what a person's about way more than their words do...
You are absolutely right about that. Words have to be matched with actions and improve on communications. I would focus on healing from today and onwards, thank you for listening! I really appreciate it!!
@asker you know he’s not into you. Just accept it. Don’t be in denial or beg for a relationship. Reality is there are a ton of players out there who trick women into thinking may he loves her while they are secretly hiding a wife and kids. If you sense a guy is possibly not into you, don’t ignore it. It’ll only hurt you more at the end
Going No Contact involves having the mindset to get this person out of your life for good. By blocking their number, emails and social media. It's not only intended for you to have no contact but for your ex to not be able to contact you in any way. People who've suffered from narcissistic abuse are advised going 'No Contact' in order to escape and heal.
The whole point is because narcs always contact and keep tabs not because they avoid. I don't know who decided it was a way to get an ex back and yeah, I understand why, because getting cut off infuriates a toxic controlling person and makes them go crazy with need to contact the person, but it is not what it was intended for.
It's not a game or some trick. You can't manipulate people into missing you by no contact or the silent treatment. It wouldn't be real. I'm sorry hun but save yourself some heartache and just move on. Trust me it is very difficult to maintain no contact. It's not something that is usually done willingly but out of necessity. You're better of just trying to heal your heart.
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Thanks sweety for such a kind words and positivity.. you really make my day better today, things are tough for now, but I know I will be stronger tomorrow, thanks for all the supports!🙏🙏
This guy should treat you a lot better, and it doesn’t sound like he respects you. He’s immature and if he can’t even communicate with you properly, he needs to go. He got a lot of growing up to do and you deserve better than this clown. Don’t give him the time of day anymore, dont talk to him until he tries to win you back. He's the one that messed up and now he's going to have to fight for you. Find other guys to talk to, dont put all your eggs in one basket. There are plenty of guys out there who would treat you a lot better. I understand what you're going through, its painful but you need to distract yourself from him.
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I'll try to be as strong as I could be. Painful but I know I will be better soon. Anytime when I'm thinking to reach out to him, i will remember you and everyone else here! Thank you for being such a good listener and very motivating to me, i really need that😰
He’s probably married. Weekends tend to be the days that people are off. If he’s only seeing you during work days , it means he’s spending weekends with more valuable people in his life
sorry to say this. But if you keep going on the path that you’re taking , you’re just gonna get hurt BIG TIME.
You better pull out or else something bad will happen
He has a girlfriend./wife. Move on if you want a man to treat you like a girlfriend. You met him a few times. You only meet on weekdays. He goes missing at night. He takes out his frasturations on you. So on... Good to know now. Block his number. Heal yourself. Go meet a guy who will take you out on weekends Who will listen to you Who will be there for you Who will love you You will know and feel the difference.
Never put all your eggs in one basket till he makes you a princess.
He’s either not interested at all or there’s someone else he’s more interested in. I’d bet that he only goes on weekday dates with you because his weekends are for someone else.
No contact will not bring you closer. It will kill the little relationship that you have but that’s a good thing because it seems to be going nowhere fast.
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No idea. It's hard to know much about him. He's not that open talking about his life. For now, i just want to be strong and be a wholeful person as best as i can be,🙏🙏😢
I don't see or ever used no contact to save the relationship. I see it more as a necessary step that we need to take after a break up in order to detach from the other person.
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I'm using NC just to reconnect with myself. I'm not being me lately😢
Wtf is no contact rule? That's not a thing. If he can't communicate effectively then he needs to grow up or you need to get a new boyfriend. You already let him know what's up I imagine, so if he's unwilling to change you should consider your options. You don't deserve to be in a relationship if you can't communicate.
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Your contents make me feel abit better now, thanks a lot. I already drown emotionally these few days. It's too overwhelming recently
It sounds to me like he broke up with you. But he was very rude about it. He wouldn't even allow you to have a discussion with him to talk it out and get closure. I think he's either a narcissist or a coward, or both.
After I sad I do that was the last time she kissed hold hug anything wouldn't even sit next to me she used me just to become a united States citizen it was over in 5 months
Then again i think it's better to just call them 50 times and yell and scream at them. I've heard of the no contact rule, but I don't know of anyone that's actually been strong enough to use it.
Ermm for now i just want to focus on my mental being, feel so drown lately.. it's hard for me to care about a guy, when I found someone that has potential to be mine, it's hard to let go.
@red324 No it was 3 days no talking that was enough. She left me many voice mail messages she was now humble so I called her and we worked it all out nice and smooth
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