do you surrender and fall in love with them? or do you fight your feelings and convince yourself that you're not ready?
- for me: I couldn't resist when I met my ex :P
If you are not ready /not looking for a relationship but you met someone who matches your standards, do you surrender to love or not?
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Anonymous
(30-35)
+1 y
Which ever girl reads this you can disagree with me on this but I think girls who have absent/bad fathers, chase bad boys, get hit on at an early age (early teens) and in their 20s and 30s, get countless of DM's and dick pics, mixed with previous bad relationships in her young adult life find it hard to trust guys. The feeling of normalcy, love and care may not be something she's used to but something that she wants. But I tend to find when there are good guys or great guys in the picture, females can waste opportunities where the guy moves on to someone else. I think we are so stigmatized to look perfect and to have the perfect life that we may find it and not be happy or we keep rejecting others. I think there is a huge difference between a good looking guy and a guy a girl is ATTRACTED to.
I used to think I'm fucking ugly and I am not good enough for even a cute looking girl. But I think I am a decent looking guy who's in shape and I have to keep looking and keeping my options open. Maybe the girls who have rejected me was for the best anyways. To any girl reading this if you are chasing a 6 ft 6 man, who looks like Brad Pitt from the 90s, super strong, is a doctor where you are going to live this Disney fairy tale and everything will be perfect until you pass away on this earth... You are creating a perfect world in your mind. I don't sit here fantasizing about finding a girl that looks like Pamela Anderson from the 90s. There are plenty of things I can find sexy about a girl. I don't want to "rate" girls but if a girl is a 7/10, she has really good morals/ethics, positive personality and I can grow with her as a person as well then that girl is right for me. But for me, a girl who is a 7/10 in my eyes may be a 2/10 in another guy's mind because he has odd expectations of beauty through his eyes.
I met the right person at the wrong time 7 years ago. I self sabotaged it and drove her into breaking up with me.
I then had this irrational fantasy that I would get a second chance. Logically I knew it was imposible but a part of brain tortured me with that day dream. I also wish she wouldn’t of cut me off the way she did. Bizarrely seeing her briefly after we split up actually helped remind me of the things I didn’t like about her. Instead I got caught up cyberstalking her on social medía where everybody has their best (often false) persona.
But that shipped has sailed. I can’t waste my life putting throwing out messages in a bottle while I mentally maroon myself on a island. But honestly I’ve been doing quite a bit of that (despite getting into two other relationships since). Sometimes I could do Jim Carrey’s “sunshine of the spotless mind”.
Anyway my advice is to be 100% honest with this person. From the heart at this moment. Let them know exactly where you stand. I wasn’t able to do that and I regret it.
@slackbabbath i knew if I broke up with her directly it would crush her. I also couldn’t live with myself knowing that I rejected and destroyed a good thing.
I didn’t cheat. But I acted disconnected. I didn’t communicate or reciprocate the work she put into the relationship.
This whole thing actually went from bad to worse but that’s another story. Truth is I really wanted 20 mins face to face chat with her for closure. But I’m not going to get that.
Ah i see. I’m sorry. Did you love her / were in love with her when you were seeing each other? Relationships and love are so much more complicated than I once had thought. What you said in your last paragraph in your answer struck me. I’m currently in a tough situation, kinda similar and I regret not being open to him and telling him how I really felt because I thought it may be too much.
@slackbabbath she was deeply love with me and told me that constantly. It was a bit too much at times. I was suspicious that she was more in love with the “fantasy” of who I was at the time vs. the real men. But one time laying bed (without me asking) she said “Joey I love you for who you are and not because you are involved with so so. I just love Joey.”. I remember feeling a deep void in my mind suddenly being filled and sense of contentment that almost had me crying. That was the first time in my entire life I had a woman say something like that to me But I still had my guard up and considering what she did to me later I wasn’t wrong to have that suspicion.
@slackbabbath well as a man the number one thing we crave (even more than sex and intimacy) is RESPECT. Make sure you tell him that you are being honest out of respect. Also don’t ask him to be “friends” after the split if that’s what you are thinking. You can ask to be friendly but not friends. He isn’t going to want to see and hear about the other guys you are dating.
Just tell him he didn’t do anything wrong. Let him know you understand this hurts but again you respect him.
Last but not least do NOT secretly date or worse get involved with anyone else until after you drop the bomb. I’m about 95% my ex cheated with on me a week before we split with a guy she met at work. I was acting douchey at that time I admit. But still I never cheated on her (and I had several opportunities too). You are NOT justified to do that just because you already mentally/emotionally broken up with him. It needs be official before you can do that.
Ok, thank you so much. That is all helpful. The only thing is we’re not officially together and so I am not ending it. He’s just moving out of country for 8 months so we can’t continue until he returns but there’s so much I want to say before he leaves to let him know. Right now you kinda remind me of him. What you wrote and how you said you were in the relationship. Right now it’s just kinda a mess and I just want him to know how I feel
@slackbabbath well I’m wondering that the fact that he is a bit “sensitive” isn’t turning you off at a primal sexual level (be honest here please). However my ex couldn’t get enough with me. She usually initiated.
Just remember that attraction isn’t a choice but respect is. I read your other posts about him out of curiousity. However one main difference is he leaving the country so a break up is fair given the logistics (and you too aren’t serious).
But I’ve seen this play out time and time again. You want to keep as a “friend” right while you date other guys to meet your primal needs? Don’t do that. It will be salt in the wound. Make sure to respect his position.
Thanks for looking at them (: but no I actually have never felt such a sexual desire for anyone more than him. He isn’t sensitive or emotional. So you think the break up sounds fair? I keep hearing that if we truly were into each other we’d both try to make it work but I’ve never tried long distance. We both such at texting already. He has tried long distance and they’ve failed for him 4 times. So he doesn’t want to try again. I wish I could convince him but at the same time I am trying to respect his decision?
And I don’t want to see or touch any other man but him haha (: trust me, no primal instincts out of my control. I really only crave him. He, on the other hand, I’m not sure.
Realistically, if the right person comes along, I'd get to know them and build a connection until I felt ready.
Because if they really are the "right person," you'll accommodate them into your life and want to be with them, no matter what. That's why I never believe anyone when they say, "I'm not ready for a relationship right now..." as a form of rejection. No, that's just a nice way of saying, 'you' aren't whom they're looking for.
if it is everything you been looking for- think to yourself what are the odds of this ever happening again in this lifetime? take it slow as friends have a talk and say while i am absolutely into you i just wanna take it slow and let it happen on its own. i would take the chance
--------If you are not ready then you are not ready but this is most likely due to a recent break up or trauma in your past that you have not dealt with yet. So choosing to not get involved even though you feel a certain way is probably the best thing you can do for yourself. Married people have to choose to fight feelings for others all the time. Mother nature can put someone in front of us at anytime that is a match however mother nature doesn't care if you are married, ready, or capable of forming a healthy relationship with these people all she cares about is procreating. We all have choices in life. Choose wisely and honestly.
"Being single is smarter then being in a wrong relationship." `Coach T Anthony @thedatecoach IG
It depends how perfect they are and whether they can accommodate my current stage in life since I don’t have my own place yet and might have to move in with them if we get married one day.
For me it's not about standards it's about that connection and bond. If I had that connection with someone, I'd be open to exploring where it could lead if they were willing to go at a pace that works for both of us...
I don't have standards. Don't know what I want or need from someone else in a relationship. I won't take any chances because of that reason. I don't want to need anything from anyone. If I can't find it in myself then how do I expect anyone else to give it to me. If I took a chance then it wouldn't be fair for the other person. It would be over before it even began.
Often, the best relationships happen when you're not looking for them. Of course I would go along if I see a future with that person. At the same time, I must not have anything holding me back from leading a healthy relationship with that person. An example is that there are people who struggle with depression or heartache from a previous relationship that would cause damage to the new relationship. So even if the right person comes along (something that is not guaranteed to happen again), that doesn't mean that there aren't things that one needs to work on first, otherwise risk destroying the chances of a good relationship.
If all the parameters are aligned correctly, I see not why I shouldn't start a relationship with that person. If I'm struggling with something, then depending on that something, I will need to do some assessment to whether it is a good idea to start a relationship or not.
I resist because I’m stubborn when it comes to making my mind up and protecting my energy. HOWEVER, I’ve also given in, in the past... it didn’t end well lol. I only gave in because he was persistent.
I would befriend the person for sure.. If a relationship develops, I would make sure we are going at comfortable paces for both of us. TBH, you can never be truly ready for anything in this life, we are constantly learning and improving, so dont miss your chance just because you fear not being ready
I always think/believe that if it’s the right person, you’ll make it work. Even if you’re not “looking” for a relationship right now or soon or whatever. Whenever someone says they’re not looking for a relationship, it just means that the person they’re dealing with they don’t like ENOUGH to settle down. If they liked them enough, they would want a relationship.
Okay- I had ended a long term relationship and had dated a string of girls over the course of 6 or 8 months. None of these were going anywhere and finally I decided that I would give up girls for a while or maybe forever. I had gone to a concert with a girl and afterwards I said goodnite to her and decided I would never call her again. I went away for a long weekend the next day and that was the day I met my future wife.
I would say yes. Or, rather, I would get involved. There is very little reason to not be involved - you can see where it takes you - not all can be planned upfront - and we've been getting the relationships wrong since at least 1968 (the hippie 'let's just have sex and then fight with each other afterwards' revolution) Instead of talking their preferences and respecting them, people are still busy pretending the west is China and trying to commoditise sex (and limit emotional connections to being islands with sexual gratification being centre stage - as if the level of that gratification is not important - like having a piece of 3 day old bread for today is a victory, over, say, having a high quality diet for the rest of your life).
You have to ask yourself is it worth pursuing or waiting? If they are the closest to what you want in a partner and they're available to you, I figured why not go for it. There's nothing to lose when it comes to love, but you have to also let them know where you're at in life just so they can understand and have the clear opportunity to stay or leave. Sometimes, even if you feel unprepared, you still have to take your chances. Otherwise, you'll always wonder on why you didn't make the move.
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Anonymous
(18-24)
+1 y
No i feel like connection and standards are important you need to know what you want and have a bond. For example if i were to find myself falling in love and have a connection with someone that doesn’t match my standards it will automatically b a turn off. Do you get what it mean?
Usually the reason that I’m not ready or not looking is because I haven’t found someone that matched my life. If I did, I would certainly be open to it.
I am not ready for relationship etc is just an excuse, especially when one doesn't like someone.
It all changes once you meet the right compatible person
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Anonymous
(30-35)
+1 y
I need to get to know someone to fall it love, and when I am not ready I don't go and invest a lot of time for that, so not really possible for me. Unless I would become friends and fall in love with him, but men never went that way to get to know me, so I doubt it will be relevant.
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Anonymous(30-35)
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