How do I save my 6 year long relationship? Please help?

[Anonymous]

We've been friends since we were 10, starting dating at 15, and are currently 21. When we were 10, we met in school, after which I moved away. 15, we got together, and have been in an LDR ever since. In 2019, he set off for uni, in a country that is across the globe, we have a ten hour time difference. we have managed to stay together this whole time in an LDR. We want to marry each other. But in such a long relationship, there were hurdles, and now we're in a tough spot and I need advice.
I come from a very abusive household. I have had issues all my life, including mental health, and then getting abused on top of that. Ever since he began dating me, he became my sole source of comfort. I had no support system, no friends, could not afford therapy. I built a support system this year, in uni. I made good friends and finally began therapy. And this is the year I finally saw progress. I am getting better now.
But because he has spent nearly 5 years of his life, as a young teenager, acting as my therapist, he lost himself. He could not build his own identity because he was always so invested in my life. Currently, we have taken a break because even though I, and the relationship got better, he's being hit with an identity crisis and doesn't know what he wants out of life. The most unfortunate thing is, neither of us is to blame here, I genuinely had no one to help me through my anxiety attacks, and we were young and didn't understand how important boundaries would be. our relationship has become a trigger for his anxiety because he never got to live his life properly. He wants to spend some months apart, and then give us another chance to see how it feels, and im terrified he won't want me anymore. I feel like I'm going to lose him for good, and it's neither our faults. My only hope is he gives us a chance, with an open heart, after he has recovered. I have no doubt that he loves me, we were going to tell our parents about wanting to get married next year.

[Guanfei]

You can't. It's that simple. As things are now, if you don't give him his time, he will simply break up. And that's probably what he's going to do anyway.
But at this point, it's just beyond saving. He lived the relationship through you, for you, and now he realizes he has nothing else. He's stuck there being your therapist forever, without any future for himself.
This is not a relationship, it's a cage. You're not responsible for it, but he chained himself to you, for you, and forgot about his own good.
Let him take the time away. Either he'll realize he wants something else and it will be over, or he'll decide he can make you a part of his life without being all he has, and he'll come back.

But from what you said, I think it's over and you should be prepared for it.

[Asker]

That's the thing. I am not that person anymore who is caging him. I used to be years ago, and that past damage he took is coming to light now, and that's why he took time apart, because he had a "what the hell have I turned into?" moment. The reason he said he'll give us a chance again is because it is our past that has hurt him, not our present, and he explicitly said that I have gotten more independent, and that he sees our relationship will further improve, but he needs to heal first. Do you really feel he won't feel anything for me when he comes back to me again to give us a chance? If I'm a completely different person who does not depend on him anymore? I stopped depending on him around six months ago, and we both noticed that progress. I couldn't understand how he tolerated me at my worst and is leaving me when i'm becoming my best, right in time for us to finally get married and be physically together. I'm giving him his space, and waiting for him to recover for now. But how can so much love and care just evaporate like that? Won't he want to try again, this time, with all the lessons we've learnt and all our toxic habits put far back in the past?

[Guanfei]

You can't erase years of that in barely 6 months, and you said it, you made progress, but you're not there yet.
It's not like a glass that you can empty or fill whenever you want to avoid spilling, all he lived through while being with you is still there, even if you're getting better.
And if he asks time away from you, that means he knows that if he doesn't have it, he will end it immediately. In his own way, he's giving you a chance, because he could just break up now if he wanted to.
Give him his time away. A real time away, without contacting him unless he wants to. That's the only chance you have to maybe get him back.
I'm not gonna lie, there's probably no saving it now, but if there is a chance, it's this one. You can choose. An immediate break-up, or a slight chance to see him back. Maybe he will come back before, just because he asks for some months away doesn't mean he won't make up his mind before that.

[Asker]

I understand. Thank you for responding so elaborately. I always thought being an abused child I could take any form of hurt that would come my way, but this is proving to be the hardest thing I've ever faced.

[Guanfei]

Nothing can prevent you from being hurt, that's part of life. And as painful as it is, it's a good thing, that means you're not an emotionless machine. Tell him he can have his time away, and ask him how he wants to do it. Maybe he'll still want to contact you here and there. It depends on him.
On the other hand, don't accept everything either. If he wants to see someone else while he's away, it's a big no. He's taking time away to think about your relationship, not to have other girls.

[madgoat]

Being apart emotionally and physically, and free, is good for both of you. You both need time to explore and learn about yourselves. It may mean you find new partners. Or in 10 years time you decide you had it right the first time.
Scary to let go. But I think you both need this leap.

[Asker]

Thank you for responding. I guess you're right. I'm a believer, and I believe that it will only be if God wills and nothing can prevent it, and if God doesn't will then nothing can make it happen. I'm holding onto that for now.

[dumazzs]

I think you should take a break from each other and play around, you both are young. It makes sense to find someone at your uni. This may make you feel better

[Beop111]

Honestly, you're not gonna like this, but the best thing to do is give him space to figure out what he wants. You're both young and have your whole lives ahead of you. And clearly this is a big decision for him. If you truly love him, then give him the space and time he needs to make the best decision for him. I know it sucks, but unfortunately you can't convince him to stay. He needs to want that for himself and hopefully he does!!

[Asker]

I hope so too. I'm perfectly fine with giving him his space, it's this uncertainty that's shaking my ground. He already proposed and I said yes. I have a ring on my finger, and he hasn't taken off his either from what I know. I'm praying that he recovers and realises things will be different now that we're grown up and have unlearnt our bad habits. Thank you for responding.

[Beop111]

If you do decide to stay together, I'd also recommend seeking counseling. While I'm sure you both have come a long way to building better habits, it might not hurt to get some help with building better habits for the future. As someone who also came from an abusive home, I can honestly say it takes a lifetime to unpack and process these things. Just some advice.

[boggboss]

But how can anyone help hun its just a waiting game now to see if he will want the relationship to start or not

[Asker]

I don't know. I feel like my entire ground has been shaken. He had put an engagement ring on my finger too. Everything was going to be alright, we were fixing our flaws. I just- I just wanted someone to tell me that it's not possible to just unlove someone suddenly. That he'll give me a chance and it might work out if he genuinely sees that I am not the leech I was anymore.

[boggboss]

Nobody said he dont love u the issue is that love itself won't hold a relationship together

[Asker]

I'm doing my best. My absolute best. If anything, please pray for me. Nothing in my life has ever gone right and he was the only thing that I was sure about.

[Avicenna]

Have you told them all of this, in exactly those words?

[Asker]

Yes, we both have talked about this in a lot of detail and I only wrote everything we both agreed on. He repeatedly tells me this isn't personal, because he sees my growth and my improvement and knows that if he comes back, we will go in a healthy direction. But I'm still terrified right now.

[ItsMeItsMe1989]

You need to get out and meet new people. The FIRST boy you ever date, won't be your last